ok a little background first for those of you who do not know. I have 3 kids and issues with the in-laws. I am the type of person who as my husband says cares too much what people think of me. My DS#2 has a bad food allergy. My DS#2 would have a reaction EVERY time we would go over to my MIL's House so we tried different thigs to stop the reactions untill we got to the choise of no more egg on the menu while he is here, and they would not do that so I said ok we cannot come over so if you want to see the kids you have to come to our house.
Ok mind you my In-Laws have told the whole family that I controll their son/brother and I am mean, I am keeping the kids from them, and I do nothing nice for them. Ok so I stopped doing all the nice things us wives do, ya know the cards, the phone calls, the gifts, the invitations, the reminders to our hubby's about who's what it is today. So for the past 2 years my inlaws do not call to come over to see the kids unless there is a holiday or birthday (when I was being nice I made sure they saw the kids and invited ourselves over to their house so they could, we never got invited over) and then complaine they do not see the kids enough. So the way his family invites people over to big parties is they tell the Mom's and the Mom's tell their kids and so forth and so on. Well My hubby's cousins are moving away (cross Country)and they threw a going away party last night and I found out about it on facebook today. No one invited us, and they are all were squacking about us and how we never show up to anything. Since my MIL is telling them I am keeping my household away from them, by not inviting us or passing on the invites. It shows she is right, even though no one told us so how can I keep them from something I knew nothing about. Every time I try to talk to them or the rest of the family to defend myself they think I am lying because my MIL cannot possable be lying, but she is. I am the warmest, caring person you could meet. I would do anything to help anyone I can out. I have tried to work with them, compramise but if it is not 150% their way you are mean, and you are purposly doing it to her.
Sorry I needed to vent.
ADDED: We have been together 10 years, and have been having excelerating issues for 8 of them and have had a "family Meeting" at least yearly. I just stopped w/ the "nice" things 6 months ago because they do not see it so I wanted them to see how much ws being done before and nothing shows that better then when you stop, besides I am tired of bending for them and they continue to bash my character. My husband does stand up/step up and tells his Mom, Dad and sister off everytime he catches wind, and we have tried the "we do not get invites call us" routine. we never invite through parents we always treat EVERYONE like adults and everyone gets an invite from us a call, or vormal mailed invite. His sister really hurt my husband with the comment of "why should we change our lifestyles for him?" That hurt my hubby and he has not spokjen to her for 2 years because of it. She tried to appologise to him stating "Iam sorry for what ever I did to make you so upset. I still do not understand why you were so upset." My husband wants more I keep telling him to expect reality not fantasy.
In June My daughter turned 1 and I invited the WHOLE family and some came. The menu was completly egg free obviously and they all loved it, to show how easy it can be to keep egg off the table for him and still be yummy. and her we still are.
We have gone to counsling and they refer to his family as "Toxic"
So I text the cousin whom is leaving on 11/27 for tennessee, We got together on Sunday. I enjoyed the visit. I am going to miss them. There of course was "Drama" with their Mom seeing she is my MIL's Sister, but we got past it and no allergy exposure thanks to my future cousin, whom I might add asked my husband to be his best man in their wedding. Wow right. It was a good day, and those are so limited with that family.
Thank you all!!
I believe every word you wrote.
In laws are the reason I would NEVER remarry should something happen.
"No one told us, or of COURSE we would have gotten a babysitter for DS2 and come over!"
When the inevitable "why not bring DS2" q comes up... "Well that's why we don't usually come over... because he's deathly allergic to some common foods that can't be kept out of circulation. You know food allergies. They're pervasive. That's why we usually try to get people over here. Gma knows. We tried working with her for months ... but there's just too much cross contamination... so it's just to dangerous for him to be over there."
Keep it matter of fact, lighthearted, "didn't you know?" and you may very well all of a sudden have "supporters" instead of detractors.
It sounds like your hubby needs to step up and deal with his mom. We have always had the agreement that if there were family issues - whoever is the person that is related would deal with them. It just works better.
It really stinks that you are going through this!
I'm so sorry you are going through this but two things hit me immediately upon reading your post.
You said, "Ok so I stopped doing all the nice things us wives do, ya know the cards, the phone calls, the gifts, the invitations, the reminders to our hubby's about who's what it is today." How does that fall in line with what you say is your loving character. Just seems to me like you should have continued sending the cards, calls and the like to everyone and then your character would have spoken louder for itself.
And the second was about defending yourself. Stop trying to defend yourself and let the honest and integrity of your nature come out. I know it hurts when people say untrue things about you but you can't let that deter you from being you. Anyone with sense and compassion would and should understand about the dangerousness of food allergies with children but sense they don't there is no need for your to feel guilty.
If I were you I would show them through my consistent actions that I'm loving and caring while trying not to wear my heart on my sleeve. Having a tough skin is important for an adult and successful adult living. It doesn't mean you don't care, it just means you handle how you care better. I hope this helps and wasn't harsh or stinging.
I would call the cousins and very sincerely apologize for missing the party because you were NOT invited and had NO idea it was going on. Since this was the most recent event you missed, focus on it and not past ones.
Your husband needs to step up here and confront his mom about this because it's HIS family that's having the issues. If his mom wants to see her grandkids, she needs to ask to. It's not your job to run around after her and ask if they can visit her.
If people accuse you of lying, ask them to invite you themselves so you know about the event rather than passing on a secondhand invitation.
Who ever hosted the party reach out to that person/family and ask them why is it that they did not call you and tell you the plans, explain to them that you did not have knowledge of what was being planned and ask them can they give you a call or fb you directly to keep you and your family in the loop. Do the same for the others in the family allow them to understand that they can not rely on the MIL or others to notify you or the hubby because there is a communication break down right now but if you know of the events you and the family would be happy to attend.
K.,
I truly feel your pain b/c I also have a plethura of family/in-law problems. In-laws can get so cooky and wacky and crazy, it is ridiculous. You are 100% right. I cannot believe your inlaws refused to keep egg out of their house when your allergic child is over. So rude!!!! Your inlaws created this mess and that is so sad that the rest of the family is choosing to believe/side with them. Did you tell the rest of the family that the reason you can't go over there is b/c they refused to get rid of egg? If the family knows this, how can they side with your inlaws? Obvously, your inlaws are not telling the family the whole story. I have said this before many times when I answer posts about family problems, and I will say it again - if at all possible, MOVE!!!!! It is not worth it to live close to family who is toxic. I would rather never see my toxic family and inlaws again as opposed to seeing them and being made fun of by them like I always was. Forget your toxic family and make your friends your family. If you can move far away, then do it. Then you won't ever have to be pulled into this family drama/nonsense. I believe that moving far away is the only solution. These people are nuts. Best of luck.
Don't you just love passive aggressive people!?!
If you like these cousins and are sorry that you missed the party, let them know that you just saw on facebook that they had a party last night. Let them know that you didn't know about it, but would love to be able to get together to say goodbye - what works for them? I would go around the in-laws and contact those that you care about directly, so that they know that invites don't get passed down to you, and you can avoid, or at least try to usurp the in-law interference. Families all do this, and there isn't much you can do. If they are going to believe this of you without trying to find out what is going on, there isn't much you can do, and it may be better to not have this negativity in your life.
I would do a conference with everyone involved on the phone or in person and get it out in the open, so that if MIL is saying one thing to one person and another thing to another, they have to face it and deal with it. That way everyone is on the same page as to how you feel and why you don't attend, etc.
I like Riley's approach!
I would tell them simply that you are sorry you missed the cousins but you did not know about it. If you feel the need to explain...I would also tell them that since your son has such a severe allergy that your MIL refuses to eliminate from the menu when you visit and it is harmful to your son, you are not able to go over there but have invited her to your home. You are not keeping her family from her but she is making the decision to not facilitate a visit at her home and is choosing not to come to yours. Your husband is a grown man and can visit his mom whenever her pleases.
You could also make a big show of inviting EVERYONE (but make sure there is no doubt that they receive the invitation...like maybe email everyone at the same time or through facebook as an event) over for Thanksgiving or another dinner. Just make sure if you say "bring a covered dish" that you also include a notice that says "severe egg allergy...please do not bring anything containing eggs". See who comes....
