How Many Divorces Are Because....

After walking in to my bedroom and seeing my husband and my best friend naked in my bed together... no amount of counseling would have saved us.

Granted there was maybe a chance counseling would have helped before that happened but after that I wasn't willing to work on it. I may have been blind and although I knew we had problems, I didn't think it was that bad of problems we were having. Im glad we did though, after we divorced I found out about many other women he slept with. Now I have an amazing husband who we are truly happy with each other. I guess everything has a reason.

Well... we had both marriage counseling, and he was in anger management... and he STILL decided that I was a good target for his rage. Granted, I'm tall, so I guess I make a pretty hard target to miss... but you just don't treat people you love that way. Period.

My divorce was one of the best things to happen to me. My ex & I married young & I think that we didn't know each other or ourselves well enough to be married to anyone. At the end, after he decided he didn't want counseling, I went, I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship. It was great for me. I learned some things. I think if we would have gone together, it could have prolonged a relationship that wasn't meant to be. I learned things from it. I don't regret it. I found the greatest guy (my husband) after & we have the kind of family I always wanted. I am glad that you & your husband want to work on your marriage, & I hope that counseling helps to strengthen your relationship. Divorce is not a big black mark on you. Its a learning experience. I wish you the best.

I think marriages are like fingerprints:

No two are the same, and no marriage is identifiable to us unless it's our own.

Also, like physical pain, unless you're in another person's body, there is no way to understand that person's pain, you know?

I think it's AWESOME you and your husband are working through it, but you can't really use your OWN marriage to gage what's 'normal' for another couple's, right?

:)

It is easy to take offence when you are speculating out the wazoo like you are here.

Rather than be drawn in I will just tell you those that don't seek counseling just before the divorce have tried everything before filing. At that point it is over. No one just hits a point where they say oh, today I am not happy, goodbye. It is a process that occurs over years and years of trying and then someone giving up.

In my first marriage, husband didn't want counseling. He just wanted to sleep with whomever he wanted. So ... divorce. Good riddance! I'm very happily married now!

I think it's because a lot of people either get married thinking they can change their partner and/or they/their partner don't reveal their true selves until after the wedding.
Unless the other person really wants to change no amount of counseling is going to help.

Some situations have evolved into such a situation that even outside help won't even help. When you see that you are just looked at as a "Cash Cow" there is no amount of couple's counciling that will help that.

Sometimes counseling just isnt enough to turn a bad situation into a safe, healthy place to raise children. Sometimes the healthiest place to raise children is away from a very unhealthy parent, they can always reconnect with their kids IF they work enough to get healthy.

Im sure, well at least I think everyone would try to work it out. I would, if we had major issues we would give it our all before we called it quits.
Some situations, are just too unhealthy to stay in though and cannot wait for help. Im sorry but my kids would only see my husband beat me once. Thats a situation you need to be out of. Thats very unhealthy for everyone.

I believe there are instant deal breakers, and I believe there are other situations that are completely worth fighting for. But, you're right, none of us know the whole story, so who are we to judge, or say they are doing right or not enough, or blah blah blah.

I wish I'd gone to counseling with my first husband . . . we didn't try hard enough imho. I've been re-married for a long time, and have been very happy, but it still pains me to be divorced (and watch my kids deal with the ramifications).

I'm happy for you guys and wish you lots of luck.

my first marriage didn't last because my ex felt he was entitled to having more than one partner and didn't believe in safe sex....we tried counseling. It worked until the counselor told him that he needed to keep his junk in his trunk...I can say I'm happily married now...and I believe he (my ex) is too...yay!!

Any ways - many marriages fail because people fail to TRY. They throw their hands up in the air and say "I'm done"..."I'm not happy" or something else....but it's become like technology - throw away - sad but true.

For a lot of women? they have bought into the "fairy tale" we grew up listening to - happily ever after - and when they find it's tough - they give up and go looking elsewhere for that knight in shining armor...and they also depend upon someone else to make them happy when happiness comes from within.

What many don't realize is that if they don't clear up the problems from the last relationship - marriage or just a long term relationship - it will carry over and be even heavier baggage...

Your experience is different than mine. I don't know anyone who is divorced who did not go through counseling before either as a couple of individually with the purpose of trying to work things out. The problem in all the case I know of, both parties didn't ultimately want it to work out. Personally, I was divorced before. My ex-husband and I went to counseling until he said we should stop because I didn't like the counselor. I never said that and it wasnt true but after an hour of argueing realized he wanted to quit but wanted to blame quitting on me. One thing led to another which made it very clear he did not want to continue the marriage but technically didn't want to be the one to file for divorce even though he was having an affair and took all of our joint money and put it in accounts with his name only.

I'm glad that personally you are in a situation where you both have the same goal and want to work it out. Not that it will be easy but I think you have a much greater chance at success.

Also thought of something I've heard lately.....People can't afford to divorce so are staying together for financial reasons.....Not sure what the percentage is of that lot but thought I'd throw it out there for thought.

So many things said H. are so true. I am not divorced but I have ups and downs in my marriage like any other, and I have a couple of friends who are divorced. I don't know about every situation, but what I noticed is that it is very important the differences in background, level of education, past experiences, and the same interests and values for a marriage to work out. It is a reality because marriage is about 2 people totally different who don't know each other until they wake up together, go to bed together, meet their families (you marry the whole gang sister!) raise children and go through difficult times....all of the above have enormous effect on a couple and the maturity with which they deal with all this...all this besides, love, respect, communication, kindness and the beautiful words we all like and need.
People over time change, men and women; there are different phases and states of mind, the challenge is always keep all the differences together and enjoy the similarities.

I was married for over 20 years and we did counseling, I tried everything for the last part of our marriage and it worked for us for a while (a year). Then things went back to what they were before. So, I was very ill and seeing nothing change in his attitude or help I went to counseling, tried to get him to go again but he had no interest. I finally realized I had to get well physically and to mentally feel better needed to leave him. I did and things got worse between us. But, it was the best decision for me that I ever made. The kids are happier, I am happier and I know I tried everything I could to keep us together but at some point you have to say, enough is enough.

On Saturday we will be married for 44 years. (Yes, Christmas Eve -- don't ask--LOL). Our church just had a Sunday School class on DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley. Unless your church did it you probablycouldn't afford the DVD's but there is a book. It is excellent. In my opinion every engaged couple should see these DVD's. Anyway, one main point is "The only persopn you can change is yourself." In other words it isn't always the other persons fault but your response to whatever happens. or whatever has been said.

I learned that many of my responses are from things in my childhood. You would think after 44 years of marriage everything would be great but not so much.

They also say that every argument can have a win-win ending. Doesn't seem possible does it? The best part is that it is all based in Scripture. May I suggest that you at least buy the book. You can probably find it on amazon.