How Do You Respond to Ignorant People?

You could tell her that Tameka Johnson is only 5'3" and plays in the WNBA (LA Sparks). "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." -- Mark Twain

I understand 2 of my kids were always big for their age. I hated the "Wow they are big" and now my 3rd is tiny.

I would ask her if she likes it when someone points something out bad about her kids or herself, you might have to talk to her like a child. Seems very rude.

Hello, it is funny that you say this as I find myself in the same boat; my son is 20 months and he is small for his age, but otherwise really healthy. People comment frequently about his size (and it isn't like he is that small), with one woman responding over and over again how tiny he was! I am working on formulating a response as I think it is rude for people to make those type of comments and I think it may go something like this, "Yes, he may be that way, but I don't think I want him to hear those type of judging comments about his size so it doesn't make him feel bad." He doesn't have a clue but hopefully it will quiet those rude people who feel like they have to make others feel badly!!! Sorry, it is a sore spot for me with those very obnoxious comments!!
T. :)

Remember, what you say to other people and how you say it will leave an impression on your child if present. You want to child to feel positive about herself and her self image! I would kindly remind a rude person that my daughter is beautiful and that aren't we luck that we all are different, that is what makes us special. I would start talking to my daughter about what she would like to be when she grows up and when people make comments, I would include her career idea in the answer. You will be giving an answer that may inspire your daughter to follow her dreams. My son told me at the age of 2 1/2 that he wanted to be a dentist....he is now 19 entering college going into pre-med. Sometimes even those dreams of a toddler can be an insight to their future!

If it really bothers you, I guess I would say something as nicely as possible. But I think you should consider that maybe comments on your daughter's size are not meant as criticism, but just a way of being friendly and starting a conversation. I would give people the benefit of the doubt I guess.

Well, you certainly have alot of comments but I have to add one. People making negative comments say far more about themselves than it does about their "target". Whether they are just thoughtless, intentionally behaving in an inappropriate manner, have low self esteem, or a lack of breeding and refinement does not matter. There is no excuse for that kind of bad behavior. With the first incident I would just say, "Thank you! I think she is great, too." You do this this with an upbeat tone/smile. This throws them off because it is not what they expect and ignores their lack of manners. Then you change the subject or just move away from that person. They are not someone you should waste your time with. With the second incident I would just ignore it, walk away or turn to another person and change the subject. In some cases they may be doing it just to get a reaction, like a common, garden variety, 7th grade bully. Don't feed into that or enable this immature behavior. Again, whatever their reason is not your concern. Afterwards, if your child is old enough, use this as an example about how NOT to act.

I would smile real big and tell her how happy you are that your daughter is naturally petite.....especially with the recent epedemic of childhood obesity. I may also throw in something like how lucky she will be when she's chosen for the top of cheerleader pyramid!

I get these comments too because my daughter is tall but pretty thin for her age as well. I normally wouldn't recommend stooping to her level but sometimes it just plain feels good to give it back when it's given to you.

Hmmm. Are you sure she is being negative when she says these things? I am in a playgroup and there is one girl my daughter's age that is on the smaller side. I've commented, but only because I think she is just an adorable petite little girl. And also because my daughter is on the other end of the spectrum...I am so used to carrying around a BIG baby that I just can't get over how light the other girl seems in comparison.
I would never say anything to another mom that I meant as a criticism based on body type. I think that is VERY dangerous, especially with little girls...we have enough trouble with body image as it is...
If this other mom is being snotty I would definitely call her on it. If she is not being snotty, but it still bothers you I would nicely tell her just that.

I've found this a very interesting string to read. My older two kids are small for their age, usually wearing about one size smaller than the age-appropriate size for them. I hear comments about their size all the time, but it just never occurred to me to be insulted by this. I think you have to be really careful that your daughter does not feel that you think it's insulting to be called small or tiny. Your original response of "she's perfect" sounds good to me. I'd be much more concerned how my daughter sees me respond to something I see as an insult and how she sees me handle it than what that woman says or does. I would definitely take care not to throw an insult back at her or her child. I would want to respond in the way that I would hope my daughter would respond - with strength of character and confidence - like you did originally.

On another note, I admit that I often comment on the size of kids because I find it interesting how amazingly different children can be at this stage of their lives in their size, especially since my kids fall so far under the curve of the norm! I never considered being smaller or larger than the norm to be a bad thing at these young ages. I had no idea that I could be insulting the children or parents by commenting on sizes. I appreciate hearing all these comments as it has taught me that I could have been unknowingly offending people for some time. Thanks for this advice, all.

Anyone else surprised that another mother would even say something like that? I mean, I know when people call my 5 month old baby *fat* (yes, let's go ahead and give him a complex this early...real smart huh? oh, and he's 50th percentile btw - nice and average!), it really bothers me and because of that I would NEVER make a disparaging comment to another mother about their baby's appearance. Hey, at least he'll grow out of his 'fat rolls' plays like a tape recorder in my mind at that point....

You could try asking her "How does it make you feel when people make rude comments about your child?". Maybe she'll get the picture.

I would try not to take it to heart. My son was born at 3 lbs 1 oz and is still tiny. He is 2 and is almost 20 lbs. People have always looked at me strange when I tell them his age, and then of course they say, oh he is very small. Yes, he is small, but I don't take offense to it. It is part of who he is and I feel that if I make a big deal out of it so he will he and that he will feel less of a person. Everyone is different. I have spoken with many moms of older preemies, and all they say is you should she my child now. Everyone grows differently and one day I am sure all of our children will be where they are supposed to be.

For this particular mom, how about "but she may be one dynamite gymnast some day". (My kids were always exceptionally tall for their age, and you get some pretty ignorant responses to that, too, I might add)

K.

I understand how you feel. My 9 year old son is autistic, and you wouldn't believe some of the rude comments we get. I just tell the person that has offended me that he's autistic, and if they know of a better way to deal with him, I'm all ears!!! You're right to not let this mom's comments get to you. Your daughter is beautiful in her own way because God has blessed her with what He feels she needs!! God bless your family and have a great day!

Hi, it is so sad that there are ignorant individuals out there that we sometimes have to deal with. As for her comment about your daughter not becoming a "basketball player" ya so what, she could be a lawyer, neonatalogist, brain surgeon. Like you said her height does not matter. My brother Darren was a small child and he is a very very smart adult he has already received his bachelors & masters. Now now working on hid doctorit (sorry spelling. So when she makes another comment to you about it or anyone else for that matter. Remember she could and will be better than a basketball player.

J.
www.noahbyjodi.com

Hello:)....I think we've all dealt with these rude, mouthy people at one time but they always have something to say....maybe she's envious of your daughter....If that were me...I would just smile and say "yeah,but I'm proud of my daughter"....it may work...good luck and have a good day:)

Turn that frown upside down :)
Maybe you can try and highlight the benefits of her size.
The best things come in small packages!

I have the same problem.I am not so nice however and prefer to respond with a pointed "atleast I know she'll never be big and fat" or "it's a good thing guys like small girls" or "yeah, but she'll be awesome at miniature golf." or "are you jealous?" I am actually a small person who is thin and have had to live my entire lives with people giving me comments about my height and WEIGHT. It's not okay to comment to an overweight person, but it's okay to say to a thin one "you should eat more?" "are you sick you're too thin?" I think not. Don't feel like you have to be defensive about her as much as defend her. She is what she is.

All 3 of my daughters are small for there age. They are just small, petite little girls.

I would tell the mom, that there is more to life then being tall, and playing basketball.

EDITED: Just one more thing to add. Do these mom's get that when they say these things about our kids, that they are setting a bad example for there own kids. Then there kids turn around and say nasty things to other kids.

I always tell my 9yr old daughter to just ignore the person or walk away when they say nasty things. Most of the time they just want to see if they can get a reaction out of you.

My daughter is small for her age too. Shes 3 1/2 and weighs 30 pounds and still can wear some 2T clothes. When that happens to me I usually snap back with something witty if they are dumb enough to open their big fat mouth I usually give it right back too them.

For example... My son is fair skinned like his father and I have olive skin. We were shopping and the sales lady said "Your son I assume?" I said "No I picked him up off the street corner." After she extracted her foot from her mouth she proceeded to show me some dresses.

Thats how I deal with it.

Hi Mommy A,
I read through all of these responses and I think they are all great. Although, I don't not believe for one minute that you should bite your tongue? There are so many high roads to take to get your point across to her. I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old and both of them were/are big babies. I got the comments "how old is she....WOW she's BIG for her age" ALL THE TIME. I get it with my 9m old now as well and as for my 3 year old, she's now considered petite! It's called active children. We are always active when it's nice outside, we find things to do to get out of the house in the winter. I joke that my 3yr old doesn't know how to walk, she justs runs everywhere, even in our family room.

I would say the things that the other mamas said in here. I firmly believe that you need to say something b/c we all need to show others, as well as our children that that type of behavior is unnecessary and be taught how to politely stand up for ourselves. Too many bullys out there! You recieved a lot of options and they are all great. I would start out nice and then finally ask her point blank...why are you so concerned about my child?

Good luck and stand strong!
K. :~)

I am sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, just bite your tongue and move on. It's really frustrating when moms/people find the need to make comments of that nature. I know it royally makes me mad. And I have gotten pretty good at biting my tongue...good luck. Try and enjoy the class as best as you can. Can you maybe find out about switching to a different one?

Try not to take it personally. I have a "big boy" and everyone comments about his size. I usually just smile and say "yes, he's just perfect".
You could always comment back to this mom about how her child is just average, but that lowers you to her level. She probably isn't trying to be mean. Maybe she's in awe of your little one every time she goes to pick up her average sized child! I know when I see littler babies...I remember how my back used to not hurt as much as it does now!
The best advice I can give you is just to turn the other cheek. When she makes her comments, just gush about how precious and smart she is. I was a "bruiser" as a child and a mother used to tell my mom about how I would always have a weight problem. I was one of the 3 smallest kids in my class all the way through highschool and her "petite" daughter turned out to be one of the heaviest. So maybe your daughter has basketball potential after all!!

Perhaps that mom is worried that her child is too big? I think once i said "she's a big girl!" and then got a comment on my son being puenny (sp?)... didn't realize that came out wrong. I felt horrible. Her little girl was sooo cute. My thought is that kids are all sizes and shapes and all do certain things faster than others and slower than others. I think comments like that are really more to say about the comment makers thoughts of her child than anything else. Each child is their own. So i guess if it were me... it would bother me after a few times (i usually hear how tall he is... when he's in the 50% range, don't know what that is about).. I would say "yes. you said that last week".
that should do the trick.
if it doesn't. i would say "yes, you said that the past 2 weeks".
either that or: You seem to be very interested and focused on my daughters size, why is that?
good luck

Bite your tongue??? I'm sorry but I don't agree. I'm not saying to be rude and obnoxious as this mom but you say you get her ignorant comments EVERY time. That's TOO MUCH. I understand once maybe twice but by the third it's time to sit up and bite back w/smart remarks that will really shut her up. Again, I'm not saying get loud or become a monster.

If you can't think of any burning comebacks, a simple "why do you find it necessary to comment on her size EVERY SINGLE TIME you see her?" or "Well she hasn't grown much since the last time you commented and I'm sure it won't be much of a growth spurt before your next comment" will work I think. How can she comment again after being called on it? And don't forget to say it with a smile.

Mommy A,

Our son is small for his age. He's skinny and wears a size 9-12 month in shorts at over 2 years old. A friend of mine once made the comment "Wow, he is puny." I try not to fall into the whole kid-competition thing as it irks me to NO end, but "puny"? It almost made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, lol. I just said, "Well, that's not a word I would choose to use."

Bottom line, people are ignorant. And unfortunately, some people feel the need to point out what THEY may consider "faults" in other people to make themselves (or their kids) look better. It's stupid. People will comment on how skinny Jacob is and my response is usually something like, "He's just lucky to have a great metabolism...too bad we can't bottle it and sell it."

The fact that this woman chooses to say something EVERY time is strange. What's the point? I guess you could confront it and say something like, "You know, you mention that every week. Why does the size of my child interest you so much?" I would be tempted to say something to stop the comment, not because it matters what this woman thinks, but because - well, it's annoying that she's THAT interested in your daughter.

If you do say something, I'd be curious as to how it goes, so please update and let us know.

Good luck

T.

My son is now 24 years old. He wears a size seven and a half shoe. When he was in third grade we were registering for school. A woman said to him "A new kindergartner!" My son looked at her and said "I am not a kindergartner!" He estalished his ability to over come his height.

I would just bluntly tell her that she is a toxic human being and if she can not over come her height prejudice you would prefer that she not talk to you. She may not be aware that she is very prejudice toward small people. As for others consider the ignorance factor. I feel differences make the world go round. My first son was short my second son's problem is invisible. I tell both of them that they were born special as we all are. Your daughter is prefect in God's eyes and yours. It is to bad that other people cannot see the wonder in each other no matter what we look like. Example as I write you you cannot see me and I cannot see you so there is no visual to prejudice us. We are just two concerned parents talking about life with children.

Love and enjoy your daughter. Ingore the people who are cruel. Big surprizes come in small packages. May your daughter surprize the world.

Mom's are naturally in tune with all comments people make about their children. Of course, it's nice to get the "good" comments (the positive things we want to hear about our children...whatever that may be for you: "language skills are so developed", "lovely hair", "tall for her age")-- we don't want to hear the "bad" comments (the things we hope people won't comment on: "she seems little for her age", "she's not talking very well yet", "I suppose that's how all three year olds act"). I'm that way, too. When we're out in public, I'm hoping for positive comments, but part of me thinks it's to make me feel better and really has nothing to do with my child at all. I can never think of a good "zinger" when someone says something "off" or "negative" to me-- but hopefully they see the confused look on my face and get the picture.
If you think your daughter is "just right"-- she'll know that from the way you interact with her. If other people comment on her physical appearance or cognitive development, try to be positive in your response, "Thanks! I think she's wonderful, too! I wouldn't change a thing about her!" If anything that will confuse them and keep them thinking for a while.
Is this person intentionally being rude? If you sense yes, then I would talk to her about it. If not, then shrug it off and try not to be too sensitive to the natural observations people will make about the growth and development of your child.

Hi, I have the same problem. My twin boys are very small for there age and we are always running into people's comments. My husband is only 5'6" and I'm sure my boys will follow in his foot steps in the height department. You are right by letting your daughter know that height is not important and help her learn to deal with the comments when she incounters them, especially in school. Children are confused that my boys might be older then them but smaller in size. I need to remind the boys that size and age don't exactly match up and people come in all different sizes and heights. My husband grew up dealing with comments and he has helped the boys deal with what other children say. Think of some answers back to the comments and teach your daughter that there is nothing wrong with being "small". Unfortunetally there will always be people who give rude comments and just try to tell yourself that they are the one with the problem, not you or your daughter. Good luck!

I am at the other end. My two youngest sons were big for their age. My youngest was easily 6 inched taller and 20 lbs heavier than my frinds son who is 7 mos. younger. They were in the same preschool class last year and we traded off picking the kids up. Needless to say when I would walk out the door with them together I would get comments every day! How HUGE my son was and how TINY her son was. I quickly learned that most people did not mean anything by it. Normally I would not say anything but in your case since this is a weekly thing, I would find a way to stop the comments. There was a pro basketball player in 2005 that was 5'5"!! You never know what a person's strengths will be.