How Do You React to People Who Get Upset When You Decline Requests?

Jill K. and others hit the nail on its' head. She wanted a babysitter and she's attempting to bait you with guilt through manipulation.

You responded the correct way.

Now, if I were you, I'd take a good look at this relationship/friendship that you have and decide if it's something you'd like to continue. She may have manipulated you before without you having noticed.

Wow! What an awful situation to put you in and the she has the nerve to get angry!? She is not being a good friend. You invited both of them but she wanted free babysitting. You did nothing wrong. It's time to start saying "no" more often.

I would have done the same thing you did. That was rude of her to treat you that way after you declined. If it were me, I'd let it hang there. Go enjoy the 4th outing. Maybe in time she'll realize she acted like a dolt. If not, I'd be tempted to cut this one off.

That wasn't a request, it was an attempt at forcing you to babysit. When you didn't do what she wanted, she tried to make you seem like a terrible person.

She wanted the emotional manipulation to work so you'd call her back and apologize if not give in entirely. You handled your end of the conversation just fine, and you have done nothing wrong. Do not let on that you're bothered.

Added: It doesn't matter what your reason was for saying No. You're not ever obligated to say Yes. Even if there were no Girl Scouts involved and you simply wanted to go to the fireworks with just your own family, that is a-ok.

She does not sound like a friend to me. She sounds like a user and a taker.

Wow.
Sorry, but at no point (NO point) does someone inviting herself (or her kid) along to my event obligate me to agree to host. That's rude. I don't care if it was just you by yourself. Or you and your daughter. Or you and your daughter and 3 other of her friends and no scouts. It's rude to invite yourself to things. Even more rude to get snippy when you say no, that doesn't work for me.
There's just no way past that point for me.

Now, between friends, it might be acceptable to sort of hint or suggest that it would be fun to join. And maybe, just maybe, to ask "for a favor"... fully understanding that it was exactly that... a favor, and you are not obligated.... But that is not what was going on. Was it. If it were, when you said no, she would have said, "oh, well, no harm in asking... ha ha... maybe next time we can plan something like that together." Or whatever. But no.

I'd be careful with her. I wonder if she shares this story with anyone else, and how she presents it to them if/when she does?
SMH
--
ETA:
To be clear, the time line is that she asked you what your plans were. You told her. (more unrelated conversation in between.) She asked if you could take her son with you. You said that you could not. You stated the obvious (since it's a public event), that she could bring her son and meet you there (after your planned group event) to watch the fireworks together. She got mad and went off about tit for tat of your *friendship*... does that accurately sum it up? So, nope, you did not invite them to come. SHE asked YOU about your plans. SHE asked YOU if you could also bring her son. You said no, but offered an alternate suggestion if she wanted her son to see the fireworks. She got mad. The end.

Your 'friend' is not a friend.That's just bad behavior on her part. If she wants him to see fireworks, she can take him herself, right?

What to do? Nothing. Let her flap in the wind and sit with her own comments.... either she will have the sense to say "oh, I am sorry, I don't know what I was thinking" and apologize or she won't. People who do those sorts of unpredictable, out-of-left-field things... I just do my best to avoid them.

@Wild Woman: my son is in Cub Scouts; if they were to have an event and my friend's daughter wanted to come along, I'd have to politely decline. The Scouts are there to socialize with the other Scouts, and for many of the kids, they don't see/socialize with the other scouts at school or outside of meetings/events. I would never expect the reverse to be allowed for my own kid. The mom asking for what basically amounts to free child care was out of line. AND it seems like the mom hasn't learned about handling disappointment, maybe she got bent out of shape because she doesn't like to disappoint her own kid-- as long as it doesn't put her out, apparently.

She wanted you to entertain/babysit her kid so she didn't have to do it.
If SHE wants him to see fireworks, then SHE can get off her behind and take him to see them.
When she tried to guilt you into it, I would've lost a whole lot of respect for her.
Just try to ignore it.
Next time she inquires about your plans, if you're doing something that she (her kid) can't join in on, just say you are busy and aren't available at that time.
Don't provide details or elaborate even if she pumps you for info.
Boundaries are healthy.
Make sure you maintain some.

Additional:
I see a big difference between both mom and son meeting you there and you bringing along a boy whom you have to look after.
If she's with her son, they can come and go, say "hi", go look at something else - more or less do their own thing all independent of what you and the troup are doing.
You're paralleling each other - tagging along still means she's responsible for her son - buying him food, taking him to the port-a-potty, keeping an eye on him.
If you're looking after her son - he's right there with the girls the whole time.
She wants someone (my bet is she'd settle for anyone - not just you) to take her son so SHE doesn't have to deal with the crowds and parking and traffic afterward and everything that comes with it.
What really got me was her attempted guilt trip.
That just turned me off to her right there.
I'm not ok with anyone trying to manipulate me like that.
I suppose I'd be more alert to future attempts at this sort of thing from that person.
If it happens a lot, I'd be tempted to block her number and take her off my contacts list.

She's selfish and narcissistic. She's not a real friend if she's keeping track like that and gets mad because she can't mooch onto your ALREADY MADE plans. Bringing someone to a pre-arranged group event is rude. You were right, she was wrong. Hopefully she'll get over it.

So how is it your job to see that her son gets to see fireworks? And for her to be so insistent? Wow - how unreal. It's obvious that she wanted to dump her child and have a free babysitter evening. You did nothing wrong and this woman's behavior was not only inappropriate but entirely rude.

Updated

So how is it your job to see that her son gets to see fireworks? And for her to be so insistent? Wow - how unreal. It's obvious that she wanted to dump her child and have a free babysitter evening. You did nothing wrong and this woman's behavior was not only inappropriate but entirely rude.

Since you were going to a Girl Scout outing, I don't think that your response was inappropriate at all. It was unreasonable for her to expect you to bring her son along on a Girl Scout outing. This wasn't your event...you were participating as a member of a troop outing. I have children in both Girl Scouts and Cub Scouts. Cub Scouts tend to be way more inclusive to their activities than Girl Scouts. It would be rude to bring along other children to a Girl Scout event.

It sounds like she was looking for someone to dump her son on for the night and you didn't bite. She tried to bully you into doing what she wanted...that is horrible. You should have replied that you thought that she had better manners than that. I don't think you do anything at this point. She can be pissed if she wants. I don't know if the whole "scared dog" thing is the issue, but it isn't your problem even if it is. She didn't state her case and state why she was asking you for the favor, she just assumed that she could bully you into doing it. Her request didn't work for your plans, she didn't like that. Her problem, not yours.

Wow, she has a lot of nerve. I would do nothing if I were you. She owes you an apology.

Please don't let this have moment more of worry or upset in your mind. She behaved poorly. You did not. You needn't do a thing. She owes you an apology, but don't be surprised if you never hear from her again.

Girl scout event are for scouts and their families, not to babysit every kid on the block. Shame on her for trying to use you and then twisting it to make you sound like a villain for declining.

Wow she sounds like a real piece of work. I'm a very social and outgoing person but this is someone I would for sure distance myself from going forward :-(

I don't understand your question. I stand there with my jaw on the ground, they usually get the idea. I don't think there is much you can do. She probably did her best to try to guilt you into it and it didn't work and she moved on.

I really don't understand your reaction to the answers. No one was really hard on you, one kind of came close but even that wasn't bad.

She was not only out of line but so far out of line as to be on a separate plane.
Don't sweat it. SHE wanted HER kid to see fireworks but SHE didn't want to make the effort to take him. She tried to make YOUR plans all about HER.

That's really rotten of her to treat you that way. You did nothing wrong. I would not take along a little boy with my daughter and I to a girl scout event and I also would have invited her and her son to join me for the public fireworks afterwards. You were being reasonable. She was not. I cannot guess why...but if she is often like this perhaps she isn't someone you really want as a friend anyway. Does she feel like you do not reciprocate? Does she feel like she takes your daughter often and you do not take her son? I can't tell from your post. Or is she simply a self centered person who tends to get angry when she does not get her way? Anyway, I'm sorry she treated you that way.

Wow. What an entitlement problem this woman has. She gets mad because you turn her down and cites all the things she has done for you and this "better friends" business.

You don't have to babysit another child when it's not convenient for you. You don't need to feel guilty. She's not much of a friend to treat you like this. She's trying to punish you and she doesn't have a right to do that.

Years ago a mom told me that she wanted me to take her son to softball practice with us. I said okay, but then came the kicker. She said that Mother's Day was a day for her and she didn't care to use it to take her son to a ball practice. Wow! She didn't mind that I was using MY Mother's Day to transport her son and be responsible for him all afternoon. And her husband refused to drive my son home from ANY practices. I never did it again. Their attitudes just were awful.

Don't let someone like this try to guilt you into putting up with this kind of behavior. And don't let anyone here make you feel guilty for not saying yes in the first place. I don't get why someone is implying that you were wrong for not watching him. And I don't get why you're getting the third degree. For heaven's sakes, I wouldn't want to be responsible for another person's child for all afternoon and all evening during the activities you describe either. And during fireworks? Good heavens, NO!

I would be curious to know if she is the type of person to hold grudges...and if she has taken advantage of you in the past....this sounds like she has a history of this sort of poor behavior. I think you went beyond kind inviting both of them to join you later for fireworks.

I don't see any room for misunderstanding from how you described the conversation.

I'm sorry she has treated you this way and I hope you will Continue to resist if she approach so you again in regards to do I get favors like this for her...but I hope your kids can play when it suits you and your family.

So was it a troop only outing?

Here picnics are for families and siblings are invited to join in games and it's just a big family thing. Especially with something like fireworks afterwards.

Maybe she was confused because you said it was ok to join them for the fireworks.

I'm just thinking of possible misunderstandings.

Either way - if you say No you'd rather not - end of story. She shouldn't challenge you.

I should add - if a friend gave me grief for saying no, I wouldn't consider them a friend. What did you say back?

ETA:
Read your SWH. Thanks.

I didn't get was how a friend goes from being enjoyable and normal - to reacting like this. Usually if people are rude and take advantage, they are like that from the get-go.

I'd just say "I'm not able to" and leave it at that. If they went off on me, I would let them have their minute then I'd say "It's unfortunate you feel that way." Say no more. Like Julie said, if you don't really respond - they get the message.

This woman's problem was not yours to deal with. As Marda says, you're not responsible. So when people say let it go - I agree, you just leave it to her to approach you in the future.

As the song says, "Let it go".

Don't make a mountain. Don't feel guilty. Don't get angry.
You said no -- and you should have.
End of subject.

Just like you, I'm new to this board.

Since the 4th is usually fun for kids? I try to include as many as I can in our plans. We have a parking lot near by that we go over to and set off fireworks. Since we are in PA? We can get the ones that shoot in the air.

I understand it is a "Girl Scout" event. My daughter's troop welcomed all. However, her asking for you to take care of her son was rude. Is her son in Boy Scouts? Has she ever included your daughter in Boy Scouts outings? Is that why she's keeping score?

I would have told her that I don't want to responsible for someone else's son in a large public setting such as this. I might have mentioned that the troop was planning this for the troop only and then everyone meet up at the fireworks.

If she brings it up again? Just tell her "I won't be responsible for someone else's child in a large public setting like that at night." If she doesn't like that answer? Too bad. Not your problem. Not your monkey. Not your circus.

She overreacted hardcore, geez!
If I'd been asked that in the same scenario I would've said "oh! Well you guys can meet us out there! I've got some glow bracelets they both can wear! Does that sound good?"
And regardless of her response I would've left it at that. She's being dumb and dramatic and I wouldn't even entertain all that business, nuh uh

She sounds rude and entitled. I would also be caught off guard if someone invited their kid to join in an activity I had not invited them to go on, the fact that it was a girl scout event and he is not a girl scout makes it even weirder. She was in the wrong both to invite her kids along, and especially for throwing a fit when you said no. You did nothing wrong.

There is a big difference between taking just the child and being 100% responsible for him and letting her know that she is welcome to bring him, it was nice of you to let her know that she was welcome to bring him even though you could not. IF she had a date or needed the night to herself then she should have hired a babysitter. If anything she is the one who owes you an apology so I would just let it go and move on.

You did nothing wrong. Her reaction was over the top. She apparently had an idea in her head and when you didn't go along she got upset. As others stated, shes not a friend.

Personally, I would move along without her.

I'm not sure what you are looking for here. Vindication? Both of you have your knickers twisted over this. What do you do about it? Nothing. You said no. Leave it at that.

Welcome to mamapedia. Hope you got what you were looking for.

She was rude. I would just chalk it up to a bad day on her part and let it go.

I would say, I'm sorry you're upset. I know you're disappointed. When she kept expressing her anger, I'd say I have something else to do so I'm hanging up. Then hang up even tho she's still talking.
This is likely to make her more angry. I'm not responsible for making her happy.

After this happened, I'd be less friendly. I don't need to have toxic friends. I'd be just friendly enough that my daughter can still play with him.

If she sincerely apologized I'd likely continue invitations and continue to be aware that she can do something like this again.

If she were a good friend separate from our children with whom I wish to remain friends, I'd ask to talk about it.

ETA. Of course it's easy to know this after the fact. Consider this an opportunity to think through how you want to respond next time. You will have someone else refuse to accept no. This includes your girls during their teens. I learned this response over the years.

I too would like to know more about both sides. Does she have a dog that is a mess during fireworks and didn't explain that to you? She didn't feel like going out and she wanted her son to enjoy the 4th. That's understandable. To get upset over it? Not understandable.

it's not rude of her to ask if he can join you. It is rude of her to get upset when you said no.

You asked what to do? You don't do anything. You don't owe her an apology. You just continue with your plans. If she brings it up again? No means no.

It does sound, the way you have it worded, is that you invited her and her son to go to the park.

I would have to wonder why she was so upset. Has she taken your daughter on outings in the past? Does she feel you don't reciprocate? Otherwise, she should have no reason to be angry. If it is a case of you not reciprocating and her getting frustrated with that I would be sure to plan something and invite her son to make up for it.

I would call her and ask if everything is ok or if something is wrong

Seems like blowing up at you might mean that she has a lot going on - perhaps it's a simple as she likes you and your kids and was hoping to hang out to get away from her troubles. Then broke down a bit. Then invite her over.

My hubby works on all holidays - the injustice for owning his own business - so I sometimes get lonely and feel bad on holidays while I watch everyone else do family activities. So perhaps she was lonely and when shot down, reacted poorly. I don't know, the older I get, the absolute less I want hurt anyone's feeling or exclude anyone! But I would tell her that GS events are for scouts only.

Something is going with her about going to the fireworks. I love to go to the park and watch the fireworks but I have had dogs for 5 years now. My dogs are terrified of fireworks so I choose to stay home with them. But if I had small children I might ask someone to take my kids so they don't miss it. I think maybe you don't have all the info.
Whenever I am asked to do something for a child I always think in the best interest of the child .. not me or the parent. I tell the child my rules for the outing: 1)stay where I can see you, 2) ask to be taken to the restrooms, etc. But if it's a fun outdoor activity it's not really an inconvenience to take the child.
BTW: I live about 3 blocks from the park where all the festivities take place. Friends and friends of friends have asked to park in my driveway, my son's ex and her parents parked here one year. Not my favorite people but to me it's not a bit deal.
One of the few good memories of my dad are going to the fireworks. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and never there for my brother or I when we were kids. But for some reason fireworks on the 4th were important to him and he always took us to see them.

In the life of a child always choose kindness. It's the easy choice.

For some unknow reason, this site has become a place where instead of helping one another, people think they have the right to bullying you with their answers. The site owners should pay more attention to what is going on.

In response to your question next time you are in a similar situation just say yes and take the child. It is my experience that you are doing a good deed for the child and not for her mother. People are strange and you just want to avoid any situation for the future.

Good luck, and enjoy your children!

Hello,
Let me start my response with this.... I was a Daisy and Brownie girl scout leader, and whenever we had outings or gatherings for our troop, we did not expect our scouts parents to bring along other children. Siblings, yes, but not always even them.
I do not feel that you did anything wrong in this case. If the other parent is keeping "score" of invites vs invitations, well, I would avoid that person anyway. I have 4 kids, 2 older and 2 younger. When my older daughters were young, my home was the "go to" place for friends and we always had a couple of extra kids hanging around. I was home, and enjoyed the chaos and honestly, was happy to get to spend time with my girls and their friends. I was the driver before any of the kids could drive, and never once expected any of the other parents to reciprocate if it was not something that they WANTED to or could do. Now with my younger 2, things are different. I would love to invite their friends to go places, as long as my work schedule allows for it, but at the same time they are not getting a bunch of invites either. Their friends parents are busy, working, divorced and the kids spend wekends and vacations at the other parents home, etc. Things have changed quite a bit. My younger 2 seem to get most of their socialization and time with friends at school, after school programs, and summer camp. It's a bit frustrating at times, because we don't get to know the kids as well, but it just seems to be the way it goes. I really think you shouldn't beat yourself up about this, and honestly, if the other parent expects every invite to be reciprocated, and at their convenience and not yours, I would avoid them and decline any future invites. Sorry that you had to go through this!