How Do You MAKE Him Do It?

He's just shy.
I was the same way, I didn't like people I still don't.
Don't push him. Don't scold him for being who he is. Be glad he is this way, you don't have to worry about him just leaving with anyone he sees. My daughter is exactly opposite of me , She'd talk to ANYONE and I was constantly worried about stranger danger.
Back off and he will come out on his own. The more you push the worse it will get. Don't make him feel bad about being an introvert.

Don't be mad at him. He is shy. Shyness is a personality trait that is no one's fault.
I don't think it is embarrassing. It is common for lots of little kids to not answer adults. Mine only do sometimes, and usually it is only family member adults, or super-non-threatening-looking people.

My older daughter would always talk to anyone and everyone (sometimes a little too much). I was surprised when my younger daughter was the exact opposite. When she was 3-4 and people would ask her how old she was, or her name, she would hide her face. She has always been shy with strangers - but think about it, this is an evolutionary safeguard that has been built into children since the dawn of time. They really SHOULDN'T be comfortable talking to strangers. It is just in the last few decades that we have come up with the idea of having very young children be "polite" by talking to complete strangers. (Meanwhile, we tell them not to talk to strangers... right? No wonder they're confused!) A generation ago, we were taught to be seen and not heard, remember?

Anyhow, when someone asks what his name is and he won't answer, you can say to the person, "This is Bobby. He's feeling a little shy right now." People don't think this is rude because about 90% of 4 year olds are this way.

He will grow out of it. My younger daughter is 5 now and has started answering people (very, very quietly). Just keep encouraging him. It's pretty rare to see someone going off to college who won't answer people when asked his name, right? Your son is totally normal!

It could just be stranger anxiety. Instead of punishing him, why don't you just say "he's been a little shy lately, I'm sure he'll grow out of it". Lots of kids go through this, lots of people have or have had kids, and I'm sure they understand what it's like and aren't thinking poorly of you. It's better to reward him when he behaves the way you want rather than add more pressure and anxiety to him doing something he might be uncomfortable with. When he does say hi to someone, especially someone new- say "That's so nice, _______. I really like it when you greet people like that. It makes mommy so proud of you."

I bet the positive reinforcement will work wonders.

He is only 4 years old. Why do you expect him to greet people the way you want or answer people all the time. Like you said he does fine with people he knows, he's probably just not comfortable with people he dont know. That is ok. Im sure he will out grow it. You say he is not a stressed or pressured child yet you are pressuring him to greet people he doesnt really know and getting upset when he doesnt. That is enough to stress him out. Just let him be. Not all kids are comfortable doing that. My son is 3 and somtimes he will, sometimes he wont. It is not a big deal either way right now. If he was like 10 and ignoring people it might be different. It shouldn't be embarrasing to you though. He will get there. Your setting a good example it just may take another year or so. Praise him when he does and when he doesnt just say thats okay, maybe try again next time. Maybe if he feels less pressure from you he will start to respond more on his own. This is not a big deal.

What cost are you willing to pay to "make" him do this so that you will no longer be embarrased? Who is this really about?

What if he is afraid to say something to strangers? It sounds like a simple form of anxiety, and if this is his only issue, let it go. He is not trying to be impolite, and the vast majority of adults understand that shy children are too frearful to speak sometimes. I sheilded my shy child from this repeated exposure to extreemly anxious moments when a complete stranger was trying to get her to speak and when I could not avoid putting her into an anxious situation, I told the indidvidual that she was just shy, and prefered not to speak on a first meeting. All but the most horrible clods understood perfectly. You are probably wrong about your child's stress...

M.

I haven't read the other responses, so you may have already gotten this one. You say you've told him what he should do, but have you tried role playing with him? Have him be a neighbor or co-worker and you (or a stuffed animal) be him and go through what you want him to say. Then reverse and you be the neighbor and he be himself. It may help him "get it" a little better. It may help him get ideas for what to say to people he doesn't know that well.

Both of my girls are very cautious of new people, and sometimes even people they have met many times. They will walk away, or ignore people they dont know, or get a funny feeling from.

That being said, I LOVE this about them. The cautious~ judging child is never the one you hear about getting abducted, or molested. Id rather have a socially stubborn child, than a missing one.

We all have our guards against certain people, even seemingly nice ones, some of us have prejudice based on ignorance, or incidence, but children are pure and those lines are not as blurry as ours. Your son may be seeing the wolfs in sheeps clothing for what they truly are, or he may be just waiting until he can make that assurance. Or he may just simply be shy, i really dont think you should change this about him., or attempt to.

He just sounds very shy! I was like this, as was my 1st daughter. She is almost 10 and still hasn't completely outgrown it. I was so frustrated with her so many times, I can't even tell you! My 2nd daughter on the other hand, will yell to get a stragers's attention at the store, etc. She's WAY not shy!

I read your update and I don't really need to read all the other posts to know the kind of advice you got. I am very often a rebel here and don't really like all this granola/pop psychology gobbledy goop that goes on here.

There is nothing wrong with having expectations that a 4 year old learn manners and respond to other people in a socially appropriate way!

When someone greets your son and he doesn't respond, simply prompt him as to what he should say... "Michael, Mrs. Jones said hello to you, can you please say hello back to her?" "Michael, Mr. Smith said that he really thinks you look nice today, can you please say thank you?".

If your son can't bring himself to respond, then say to the adult, "I'm sorry, Michael is very shy; we are working on it." and continue with your adult conversation. But he may start to respond some and with repeated prodding he will learn to make the appropriate responses.

You are on the right track with what you want from your son and don't let anyone tell you that you are damaging his self esteem by having expectations. He doesn't have to be outgoing, but it is a good idea to learn to be polite. He won't just "develop" manners spontaneously one day, he has to be taught and you are right to start doing it now.

It takes kids time to adjust to new people, and he might be shy around people he doesn't know well, and doesn't feel comfortable talking to them. Don't pressure him, don't scold him for it. When people he is not too familiar with talk to him and he doesn't answer, perhaps ask him once, and if he still doesn't just explain that he is a little shy. When he is a bit older, he will understand better and will be polite. There is no reason to rush it. I think the more you try to MAKE your child do something, the less he will be inclined to do it.
Good luck!

My son is 4 and has/does the same thing. Some times he still does it to people we know!! Other than that he is a outgoing child and is friendly and well mannered. I normally don't coach my children to say please and thank you by telling them what to say but I've found that's what I have to do with him in this situation. ( I ask them what are they supposed to say, not give them the words) I whisper in his hear say fine thank you. And he'll say it but it's very soft and I can hardly hear him! Or he might squeak out a good on his own but that's it. Even to ask the lady at the bakery dept in the store for a cookie I think only a mouse would hear! I tell him to use his big boy voice too but it doesn't seem to help.

I think it just might by a way of them being shy. And then I think I should be glad he doesn't just talk to anyone as I've always talked about stranger danger to both my kids. So what do you do!?!?! lol

Good luck!
S.

I suggest role playing. My daughter and I do that a lot with her Barbie dolls. That way he can try it out but pretend that he's buzz lightyear or superman.

my son does this also! he is a very shy little individual,like another mother posted if he puts his head down and gets a little shy and does not care to answer then I just do it for him. pick your battles especially if it's one that could make this turn into a negative instead of a positive.

He certainly sounds like he's shy with people he doesn't know. I used to be like that. You mentioned that he's okay with people he knows, but not with people you know, and that's sounding like the key here - Do you see him backing up a little or looking away when they greet him?

My son is exactly like that to this day and do NOT force him. He is extremely shy/fearful around other people and simply may not get the vibe with the person who is talking to him. He prefers one on one conversations and particularly with people he has had time to develop a relationship with. That is why he socializes with only those he knows well. It used to embarass me too, but after some encouragement, I realize that is just how he is and it is OK. I simply answer for him and then move on. Most parents/people will understand that he is a child. Don't stress it. You will only make it worse. After having my 2nd son who is more sociable to strangers, I am able to appreciate that my first son is just going to be shy, because now even people off the street I don't know or is not comfortable with are offering to hold him and take him from me. I don't like that.

My son is 3 almost 4... and he does that too.
Its no biggie to me.
If it is a 'stranger' or someone he does not know nor well... then this is how he reacts.
Actually, I don't force it... for him to say anything. He is 'shy' with certain people.... and I have taught my kids, that they do not 'have to' talk to 'strangers' or if someone makes them feel uncomfortable. My kids, know themselves and the 'vibes' of other people... I trust their instincts about people.
My daughter, who is 7... does not like a certain man that works at a store we got to... for some reason, she said "he's not nice... he just pretends like he is...." and she gets an uncomfortable 'vibe' about him... I do not force her to talk to or greet this man. I also, get a weird vibe from this man... for some reason. Something about him I don't trust. My daughter is not copying me... but she on her own, does not want to, get 'friendly' with this man. And she told me this.

Some kids are gregarious, some are not. Some kids, have an extra sense about themselves and what is 'friendly' or not, or they are shyer with some people.
It does not bother me. I don't scold my kids about it. I rather them have a self-awareness about it... and cue into their sense of 'friendliness' or not... given the situation and person.

My kids are not rude... they have manners and are confident kids. But with certain people, they are shyer or not at ease with certain people. I rather my kids develop a sense of people and 'reading' people... than to have them force being "friendly" with whomever, blindly. I teach my kids about "people" and trusting their instincts... not just it being about how friendly you are.

all the best,
Susan