How Do You Limit Your Houseguests (In-laws) Stay?

Are they helping you guys pay for the extra food costs? Do they help around the house? Be honest with them. Say we love having you guys here and seeing you but we have other plans and its best if you only stay this many days.

If you have, say, 2 weeks off in June, maybe June 1 - 14, why not say, "I'm off June 1 -14, but we've made plans for the 2nd week, the only dates we are free to visit with you are June 1 - 7." Do the same thing at Christmas. You don't need to make every day you are free available to them.

You really need to just say it matter-of-factly. You are free to see them during these dates, if that works for them. Just let them know that you have other plans, and those are the only dates you are available. You don't need to say why. You don't need to explain. You don't need to apologize. These are the dates you are available.

You do need time as a family, and it is unrealistic for you to spend all of your free time with your in-laws. Don't apologize, just nicely inform.

Zero days. :-) When we were looking at houses, we wanted one big enough for our family of 4, but not big enough to provide a comfortable or private place for guests. We intentionally don't have a guest room and we don't give up our room or the kids room for others.

I don't mind having people over during waking hours, but I can't sleep when there are 'others' in my house and I don't want to see anyone first thing in the morning. Out of town visitors, parents included, stay at a hotel. We arrange the time for them to come over or to meet somewhere for lunch first, etc. I like some structure and planning.

Likewise, when we go visit people in other cities, we always stay in a hotel regardless of the person's setup. "But we have a guest room!" Don't care, I need my own (rented) space away from you for part of the trip. We began as we meant to continue.

The problem you're facing is that you have a precedent set of allowing long visits. Change is absolutely going to be uncomfortable and you won't be able to avoid it. No more hinting, you need to say what you mean and be specific. Such as:

"That doesn't work for us."
"We're free to visit with you from <3 day range>."
"We've made other plans for June this year and won't be avaliable."
"We want some quiet time over this break so we're not up to having visitors."
"We can't host you if you come next month, but here is a list of hotels in the area."

Possibly they won't like it and will get upset. You have to not care. Or possibly they will be surprised but very accommodating, because you've finally spoken how you feel.

Well, you've figured out that hinting isn't working. So cross off the veiled comments from your
list.

Your in-laws are capable of driving 1000 miles so they are not elderly or infirm. Your daughter is a young teen or tween. Your husband is capable. So you should not be the only one cleaning up after people.

They are also capable of taking your daughter out on their own - it's important for her to have time with her grandparents since she barely sees them. Collect some discount coupons from AAA or some museum passes from the library, plug the addresses into their GPS, and let them take off for some quality time without you! Your husband can certainly handle this and say that you and he aren't going because you need to get caught up on the cleaning, cooking and laundry.

You can also see if you can scale back your expectations/standards. Do you feel they will criticize you if things aren't immaculate all the time? Is that reasonable or are you adding pressure that they are not putting on you?

Your husband has to handle his own parents, after a good meeting of the minds between the 2 of you. Maybe he needs to take more time off from his job when you and your daughter have your breaks - why does this work fall to you? What is said could be anything from "Mom and Dad, you need to help pick up after yourselves because GG can't do it all" or "I think you'll be more comfortable in a hotel" (which are totally direct) to "We will be around for 4 days but then will be traveling to X on Susie's break. We only have 2 weeks a year and your visit comes at the beginning of our vacation. We'll cram lots of fun into those 4 days!"

People can't take advantage of you over and over without your permission and cooperation.

I firmly believe that hotels for visiting family go a long way to prevent insanity.

Everybody has their space and can get some down time for peace and quiet.
Everyone has enough bathroom space and a comfortable bed.
If the hotel has a weight room and/or a pool it's nice to use them sometimes.
Everyone can watch their own tv programs and access the internet.
Visiting family will tend not to over stay their welcome if they are paying for it.
Many hotels have free breakfast buffets - it's nice for you to not be responsible for all the meals every day.

First - get over the bit about hurt feelings and delicacy - they are not picking up on how their visits are affecting you and your household.
Their telepathy isn't working.

Second - you need some up front communication - first with your husband and then with your visitors.

Third - you and husband decide how you want these visits to go down and then he tells his parents how things will work going forward - you and he have a united front on this.
If you can afford it, then you can pay for it but if not then make it plain that they will be paying for it themselves.
It might be necessary for you to turn the spare room space(s) into something that no longer provides spare space for visitors.
If you don't want to be a hotel then stop providing sleeping space for people.

No hinting, no passive aggressive comments, no self sacrificing or saying something doesn't bother you when it really does.
You can be kind and also be honest - but honesty is an absolute must.
Tell them the hotel stay is a favor you are doing for THEM and their comfort.
It makes it harder for them to turn it down.
And really - if they don't like staying at a hotel - then they won't visit as much or for so long.

Also - take some vacation time for yourself and family and GO somewhere!

My limit with guests is 3 nights or less. I make that known well ahead of any trip planning time.

You have to speak up and say what days you are available. So you're off 2 weeks, pick a time in that 2 weeks for their visit and let them plan around that time. No explanations are necessary. It's your family.... you make your schedule and fit other things into YOUR timeline.

When I visit family or friends, I prefer a hotel.

I guess I think about how I would like to receive this information. Most of my kids are grown and moved away to different parts of the country, but because I work full time and still have kids at home, my visits are pretty limited to a couple of days. However, I may want to/get to spend more time in a few years. I desperately hope that my kids would be gentle but honest with me about overstaying my welcome. That said, I think I would take it better from my own child than their spouse, so maybe start with having your husband talk to them - just be honest, that you all love that they can come, especially because you guys apparently cannot, but since that is also the break time for getting other vacation/breaks in, can a limit of days stayed be agreed upon between all parties?

Unless your in-laws are unreasonable folks (which, some are), they are totally going to understand. I know I would.

Good luck!

If I am reading your past questions correctly, your daughter is 13? Probably about to start high school?

You definitely need to work with your husband to make a plan to handle his parents' schedule. Because do you know what teenagers like to do during school vacation? Not always sit at home!! Pretty soon you will just be entertaining them during their visits.

I would have your husband talk to them. And ask them to leave a few days before you go back to work so you can make preperations to go back to work.

Our best visits are ones in which we stay at a hotel or other accommodation and have clear expectations regarding when we are to see family. I.e. Dinner after we settle in, lunch on Tuesday, at the solarium on Thursday and brunch before we leave on Saturday.

Clear communication takes the pressure off. Also every appreciates having some down time not to have to be on our best behavior.

Good luck implementing the change.

F. B.

I do agree with having your husband do the talking. Other than that I think you have two options. One, tell them straight up you have other activities/engagements happening during the break and that the only time you have will be Xdate-Xdate. Two, tell them they are welcome to stay as long as they like but that your daughter will have plans with friends and you will have other commitments with friends, household duties, etc and that you may not be able to spend every day with them. Also you can utilize this time to have a date night with your husband and have them stay home with your daughter.

You have all year to be with your family. I agree, to a point, with them. If they come and stay a month, that's too long. If they stay 2 weeks, that would feel too long too.

I would say that they are traveling a lot to be with you. While I wouldn't like having to entertain people all day I would make plans and just go do stuff. If they want to go fine, if not? Well, that's okay too.

They'll be dead and gone in a few years and your kids are going to miss them and wish they had more time with them. Let them come.

Hinting never works! I had similar problems with my in laws but it was different as they came over every weekend when my son was born but never spent the night because they live 20 minutes from us. Anyways they came every weekend. it bothered me because thats the only time I would've enjoyed with my husband and son alone. So, I told my husband either you talk to them or I will. So he did, it's a delicate subject because they are people you care about and don't want to hurt their feeling but your family time is more important. So have your husband sit with them and give them a schedule of options of when and how much they can stay.

Updated

Hinting never works! I had similar problems with my in laws but it was different as they came over every weekend when my son was born but never spent the night because they live 20 minutes from us. Anyways they came every weekend. it bothered me because thats the only time I would've enjoyed with my husband and son alone. So, I told my husband either you talk to them or I will. So he did, it's a delicate subject because they are people you care about and don't want to hurt their feeling but your family time is more important. So have your husband sit with them and give them a schedule of options of when and how much they can stay.

When plans are made, there is always an opportunity to say what works best for you. It's easier if you (husband) takes the lead. So next time say "Hey this year, we're available June 15-20th to have you - does that work for you?" and if they say "Oh, well - we usually come for longer.. " he would say "We're going to take a week for our family vacation this year" and then it's not an issue going forward (just repeat same thing).

If they say that doesn't work for them, and they are coming all that way - then husband just needs to say that he gets it, but that you only get so much time off a year, and it's important to you as a family that you get time to vacation together on your own. If you have to go somewhere - go. Or just plan things to do - so he can say, "We're going to (this/that/other day trips)".

What I find has always worked the best is to be honest. You can be kind but honest. Make it about your family's plans - not about not wanting them. It's the same when we turn down invites. It's far easier if you say "That sounds great, but we've made plans of our own". Know what I mean? And it should be your husband telling his parents what you've decided.

As far as cleaning up and entertaining them - I stopped doing that early on. It made my husband realize what a pain it was, and he wasn't as interested to have it continue. It wasn't a matter of me being against having them here, so much as he realized it wasn't as easy as all that. We were on the same page. Otherwise, if you complain to your hubby (maybe you don't, but I know I did) then it's less about you and more about what a pain his parents are.

Family is great - in moderation :) I hear you.

Unless it is one of my children, the visit is usually three days. When we went to visit our daughter about three years back for the holidays it was for three days. Hubby wanted to stay longer and made the comment, "In the old days, people stayed for as long as..." I informed him that that is not how things go now days. He of course slammed around a bit. But I let him know that that was not working so get it together.

Your house, your rules. Be matter of fact what days will work for you. Your husband has to let his parents know that time frame. Yes it is nice sometimes to have family but not always. We might stay with our son but it is only for about three days and then we are done. My lovely DIL is not one that wants to spend a lot of time with us and that is sad. But that is life and I respect that.

Have a good week. I hope you two get on the same page as this will not resolve itself unless you two stand as a united front.

the other S.

My FIL(he is unmarried) also come twice a year every year, for Yuletide and in the summer. We don't get along and these trips drive me nuts, add to that the fact that my husband can never get time off work and all the entertaining falls on me. But, our children will only be young for a short amount of time and they deserve to know their grandfather and have a real relationship with him, so as the adult I bite my tongue and do what is best for my kids. But, if he was staying longer then two weeks I would say something, luckily it is usually right around 10 days.

And remember, these are your husbands parents and he loves them just as much as you love your own parents!