How Do You Handle a Teenager Learning to Spread Her Wings with Friends, Parties?

Hey I am 22 so i was 14 not too long ago. I had my share of "BAD" times.. cant forbid her to go or you know she will.. Just give her rules. know where she is and who.. My father use to ask us and drive by to see if we were there. He doesnt know i know that((but i did) You dont want to be) and sometimes i got in trouble because i lied but usually when he wasnt bothering me about it i told him all even if there was drugs and drinks there i didnt do them. I would come home at curfew and all so i wish you luck* i know i was a pain!

i have a girl,,15,,if she goes to a party i always have to meet or know the parents,,i talk to them on the phone or make a trip to the house,,there has to be parents there during the party,,but most of the time the party is here,at my house,that way I know what is what...i have always tried to get to know her friends and thier parents,,that way I feel more comfortable when she goes,,the other parents may some of the parents to the other kids and u can get feedback about the ones u dont know,but most of all ,,you have to be mom and keep them safe,,but let them spread thier wings a little at a time hope this helps ,,it has worked very well for me and Lizzie

With kids these days being a parent is not always popular unfortunatly. But she'll thank you one day for all the concern now. Talk to the parents throwing the party before hand and make sure they understand and will respect your rules. If it doesn't feel right don't let her go. I tell my kids i'm their parent first and their friend second. If she's earned the trust then give it to her but keep on top of things no matter what. I was 15 when I got pregnant with my 1st and I can honestly say if my mom had been more involved and had given me more rules I might not have started my family so young(not that I regret my kids because they're my world)but you know what I'm saying though. Good luck

Im with everyone else on this. At age 14 my mom had allowed me to let a boyfriend live with me. (bad parenting idea) I myself wouldnt allow that till my daughter was a whole lot older and had better be a good reason why there living with me. Ok back to you. You remember being a teen, we thought we ran the world and parents just dont know nothing. If you show you do care and you just want her to be safe with your rules, she will come around and be more respectful to you. Sit down and without loosing your head explain the very worst things that could go wrong at a party. Not to scare her but to give her an idea party with your friends and have a good time, but be careful. She will one day come around and be thankful mom did know what it was like beeing a teen and glad you had her back.

It's funny I just had this discussion with my girlfri end yesterday about her 12 yr old going to a halloween party without proper adult supervision. She didnt let her daughter go because she was not feeling well (the mother) and she didnt know any of the adults that was going to be there. she wanted to know if she did the right thing, and I said to her you remember what it was like to be 14 with no supervision, and sometimes you make the wrong judgements. It's great that you allow her to go to birthday parties and she's able to go over to her friends house, there's no reason to go up to fast. My mother still to this day wants to know where I'm going and calls me to see if I got in alright, and Iam 29 leaving in another state. Your daughter will understand when she's in your position. Be patient

Hi E.,
I am a mother of 3 (26,16,14) trust me you are doing the right thing. I know she feels you are being unreasonable, but let me tell you what I have also done. I have checked in on my girls
the 26 & 16 before. I have told all my kids they have to earn my trust. This is a very hard time period for her. I have already been thru it. Now I only have to wait on my boy 14 to get there. I'm not looking forward to that.
Anyway, back to you. I ask where are you going, i get the phone number and directions to the house, I have even taken my girls to a party and then picked them up.
But if I hear or have ever heard anything bad in the past about the person haveing the party, my answer is NO right off the bat and I tell her why. If the person is soso then I have let her go and then go and sometimes just ride by or even check in. If she rides with someone or drives I give her a time to be at home and I wait on her to walk in the door. But the one thing you are going to have to do is make a believer out of her to do the right thing.
My girls thought i was the meanest, worst and most untrusting mother in the whole state in SC. I think they even went thru a period when I thought neither one of them loved me. But when it comes to this kind of stuff you have to make the Mother stand and NOT the Friend stand. She will come around and see and even understand your point of view.
just don't expect it tomorrow. It took my girls about 2 years or so to go thru this horrible period. Because they think they know how to make the right decision. And they see older kids doing what they want to do and younger kids doing what mom & dad tell them to do. She is in the middle. Not really a kid but not yet an adult.
Also, I got my daughter a cell phone and she knows that if i ring it, it better be answered. Because if it ain't answered, I'll show up. There has been 1 time if she had answered the phone it would have saved her a little embarrasement. I didn't go overboard. Just enough to let her see that I mean business.
She has lost my trust before and she seen it is hard as heck
to earn it back.
She has basically earned back my trust now, (she will be 17 in April). But she still has a time to be at home, depending on where she is going and who she is with it might be 10:00 or 11:00. But I never let her stay out until 12:00. I did let her go to a party back in August, but she had to take my son (14). It was people that lived in the neighborhood, hispanic, but having a party for her daughter turning 18. Most hispanics really go all out when their daughter turns 15, but their daughter chose to wait until 18.
Also, their daughter is in my daughters english class at school. And i have never heard anything bad about the family.
My husband is hispanic and if anything was going the whole neighborhood will know it. Hispanics love to talk.
This is a time period where you want to stay right ON the fine line of not being to strict and not being to lenient. It is hard. But what ever you decide to do, be sure you make the stand of being the parent. Keep your rules. If she chooses to break the rules, then she looses your trust and she has to build it back up. She will soon learn.
My daughters really got sick of hearing me talk about TRUST, NOT drinking, doing drugs, having sex. You name and we talked about it. I have even given my now 26 yr old a drug test before. Tell your daughter if you ever expect she has done any drinking or drugs you will have her tested. And you can because she is still a minor, or you can buy one at the drug store. I had a friend that owned her own temp. agency. She gave me one. That really worked. She has been the hard headed one, I had to show her I meant business. So far I haven't had to do it to my 16 yr. old. But I have not yet suspected anything.
It's is not easy at all but it will get easier.
Good Luck, Stay Strong. and remember be her MOTHER NOT HER FRIEND. And always make sure she has .50 to make a phone call from a pay phone if necessary.
C.

I know exactly what you're going through. I, myself, have a 17 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. I believe you can never be too strict, nowadays. I, like you, have only allowed mt kids to attend chaperoned school functions, a few birthday parties, and school dances.

Of course your daughter will grumble and complain... that's what teenagers do. I suggest you use the standard answer I use with my kids. "I care very much about what happens to you. I need to know that you are safe when you are away from me. You can be mad at me if you want, but that's just the way it is."

Always remind yourself and your daughter in these instances that...

if other parents cared as much about their kids as you do her... then they wouldn't be letting them run to and fro like they do.

One day she will be in your shoes and she will remember and see your side of things.

One last thing... I know it's hard to loosen the apron strings as they get older. We so much want to keep them our babies. But you have to bite your tongue sometimes, say a little prayer, follow your instincts... and let them stretch those wings. Just always make sure you have a phone number where they can be reached and know who they are with.

Keep the faith... you are handling things right. Don't worry.

It's very important for you to be aware of her friends AND their parents. I have a Christian mom with a teenage daughter that was invited to a birthday party. The mom knew the friend just from her visits to their house but upon speaking to the girls Mom found out there were going to be boys there too. No big deal you think? As my friend continued to ask questions of the mom it finally came out the girls sleep over would ALSO be including the boys sleeping over...HEEELLLOOOOO!!! The mom tried to convince my friend that everyone would behave since she would also be sleeping in the same room with all of the kids. Because my friend has a daughter that makes great decisions and is mature for her age she was allowed to go to the party but not stay for the sleep over.

I lead a group of 35 girls and can safely say you would be surprised at what other parents find acceptable behavior with their teenagers. Please do not assume (which I think you're not)just because someone is a parent they are going to have morals and values the same as yours. How many stories have we heard of parents letting kids drink in their home, adults having older teens party in their home only to have inappropriate behavior with them, etc.?

If you do not know the parent and/or your daughters friends make sure to get intimate with them before trusting them with your precious daughter. It only takes one really bad decision to ruin a child’s life or cause horrible consequences.

If you have never been to the parent’s house, I wouldn't just request phone numbers and talk over the phone. Any new situation with a parent you do not know deserves a face to face visit to make sure the environment is safe. What would be wrong with you taking your daughter to the party and staying a few minutes to talk to the mom? You are not a parent to win a contest of popularity and coolness you are a parent who should only care about your daughters well being not her embarrassment.

I also have a 14 yr old daughter who is just beginning to do things outside the house with friends. Its tough.. I know how youa re feeling because I am trying to allow her to be independent but not free to do whatever she wants. I think you HAVE to get the parents number or meet them just to know what your kids are doing out there. Its a safetly precaution. The world is crazy know and a involved parent is less likely to not know what their teen is doing than a parent who doesnt care. She doesnt have to like it if you want to talk to the parents or not. Just be glad that you do it and can safely relax while she is away.
My daughter doesnt like it, but shes gotten used to it. Its simple. if she wants to go, you must speak with the parent. If you dont she cant go. She can make the choice. Im sure she will decide you should speak to them first. One day she will understand why you were like this.

Well I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in this day and age! I have a 15yr old and she has been to maybe 3 parties and thankfully cuz she doesn't care too much for them. But my thing is I make sure I know her friends and I talk with the parents. Also she has a cellphone and I stay in contact with her when she's away. We have a good relationship in that she does communicate with me and tells me about her friends. Also I try to have a fun enviornment at home where as she invites her friends over to the house a lot which I love becuase I know where she is. Please continue to stay in her business. You would not believe what some of these children are involved with. My children tell me about all the stuff going on in school all the time. She may get mad but you are trying to protect her because you love her and when she is older she will let you know just how much she appreciated your love!

E.,

This is not to much to ask of your daughter. Your ground rules are good! You should always know where your kids are going to be. And I as a teen was not allowed to go to a lot of different homes because the parents that were there were not exactly a good influence. (Hence, the popularity of their home for the party! LOL)

Truth be told, probably a lot of her friends' parents feel the same way you do though. Make sure you tell her that. She won't feel so alone or embarrassed. I would also try to meet on some common ground with her. Like one of your comments said, park a little down the street so she doesn't have to feel uncomfortable leaving a party. Let her "save face" so to speak! Sometimes, going with a friend to these parties and have a friend leave with her too will ease the social stigma a bit. Maybe you could let her have a friend spend the night on the nights of these parties.

When the twins were born, the best advice my grandmother has given me to this day was if you really want to know what is going on in their lives, you almost have to snoop. What she meant by that was stay pro-active in her life. Know where she is at all times. Let her feel she can talk to you openly, even though you may want to scream when she is telling you something that makes you scared for her, don't. Hide your face in a pillow and scream or cry in the shower later, but don't let her know it bothers you. This will help you to keep the lines of communication open. (Tell her when she is in college how crazy it made you at the time! My mom did! LOL)

In today's world, you cannot afford not to keep tabs on her. She is only 14 of course. Such a tender age, ready to be grown up, but not ready for everything that older teenagers do. Good luck! The world needs more parents interested in the well-being of their teens, just like you!

Take care,
Lee

Hi E.
My daughter is 15 and I don't let her go to parties unless I know the person who is having it and if i don't know them very well, that I talk to the parent. That's normal, not unreasonable. Your daughter may think it's unreasonable because perhaps her friends don't have parents who are that concerned with what they do and where they go. I know that's the case with many of my kid's friends. Many of them get to do what they want when they want, but my kids know that's not the case with them. They don't resent it anymore because they know that's the way it is and I'm not going to budge. Another thing is we belong to a church we've been a part of for years that is very big and like our family so my kids friends are mostly church kids and I know them and many of their parents. That helps alot. It's hard when our kids don't like the things we do, but if we're doing it out of love and concern, and not over-controlling them, they'll learn to appreciate the boundaries.

I have a 14 yr old girl and 16 yr old boy. My advice...use your best judgement based on the circumstances. Keep an open dialog with your daughter and her friends...talk about sex, alcohol, boys, drugs...the dangers of it all and the fun of it all...remember you were a teen once. Share some of your experiences with her and she will be more open to sharing with you. Don't just tell her the good, smart stuff you did, tell her about some of your more stupid mistakes and decisions...and always let her and her friends know that they can call you if they need to NO MATTER WHAT and you will come running...no questions asked!

ps..any of you mom's in NW Raleigh (LRHS area?)...I'm new the the area and could use a social life myself!

E. - you have gotten some great advice from the other moms, and I just want to echo that - you are the mom! Do not let your child dictate to you how you parent. If you want her to stay safe, make sure you check in and do what ever makes you feel comfortable. I have two kids (19 and 17) and my daughter (19) always knew that she had to check in with me, and that I would check up on her at a party (if she went) she always knew when there would be alcohol there (kids always know!). There was one time when a friend called and asked her to go to a party where she knew alcohol would be and while on the phone asked me out loud if she could go to the party - holding the phone away from her head and shaking her head no the whole time - so I said no. Later she explained to me that was the issue and I was proud of her for being honest - she didn't want to put herself in that situation. So I looked like the bad guy. My son is another story and I have to check up on him constantly and he doesn't like it - he tries to bend the rules anyway he can. So I've experienced both extremes - but in both cases - being the parent is what has to happen - as much as the kids like or dislike it!
So, just remember above all else - you are the parent - God has given you your daughter to raise, and protect, and you should do what ever you need to do to make that happen. She will thank you some day - but in the mean time may tell you that you are the worst parent and that 'all the other kids parents let them go'! How many times have we heard that? Don't take any of that to heart, and stick to your decisions - remember you have plenty of moms here that have gone through, or are going through the same stuff - we will help to hold you up when you are feeling like you can't take it any longer!
Keep up the great work! Blessings!

My daughter did not go to mixed parties at 14. Anyone who mixes the sexes at a nightime party is asking for trouble.
A night out with the girls should be all they do at 14. Good luck.

you know being a parent of a teen is very (hard, you want to trust them but than you think back when you were a teen yourself. E. dont think for one time your daughter hasnt tried to find a way to get out of being at the party. it is ok for you to call the parents who is giveing the party or even go over there and talk to them. my teen son went to a party at a friends house and told me that the boys parents was going to be there. come to find out they werent, and the boys had girls over and they were drinking at it also. my son's friend was driving home that night from the party and 2 days later we were at his grave site, cause he had a wreak and killed himself. not saying all teens are going to be like this, but i would find out more about the party if i could.

i remember being that young. maybe she doesn't necessarily think your request for names and phone numbers is unreasonable, but more or less doesn't want to be "the one" who has "that parent". Maybe a compromise you could use is to ask her to call you immediately when she gets there (or call your cell right after you drop her off and you're still in the driveway @ the house) and ask to speak to her parents; that way you've spoken to them and likely have the number on caller i.d. AND if there are any problems (i.e. "uhh, her parents are busy right now and cant come to the phone") you'll be there and can go to the door and take her home if anything seems fishy :)

I was just like your daughter. I was 14 years old, got popular with friends and here's how my mother handled it. She would take me to the parties. But she would sit down and say that she trusted me, and that if I felt uncomfortable or felt uneasy or pressured at any point, to just call and she'd meet me down the street so no one sees that "my mommy" is picking me up. If I happen to drink, call my mom, she would pick me up.
I know it really depends on your daughter and your relationship to her. I always could count on my mom. Everyone said she was a cool mom. But she'd always drop me off down the street and pick me up later on.

Hope that helps!

I've got 3 daughters, ages 19, 17, and 13. And the only advice I can give you, which I hope sincerely helps, is to stick to your rules with a vengenance. I made the mistake of making rules and bending them because I wanted my girls to be able to have fun and do the things they wanted, and I'm paying for it double now. I have found out that teenagers are in the 'give them an inch and they'll take a mile' sort of mindframe. And I don't think they mean to be, I know my girls sincerely meant to do the right thing, and not get into trouble. But because of my upbringing, which was extremely strick, I gave in too often. And I can look back now, and see where I made my mistakes. Like they say hindsight is 20/20. I don't want to see any more parents go through what I've had to with my two oldest girls, and I hope that I've learned enough from my mistakes to be able to do different with the 13 year old.

Tell her the deal is she can go ONLY if you know the parents information. I would then call and verify the party plans and if it will be supervised. Meeting your daughters friends parents may help you to decide the level of trust you can have with her when she is with them. It will also give the friends parents some reasuuance about you and your daughter when they are at your house.
R....

Our girl is 13 and we have had the same problem,I can tellyou what we have tried.Have a party at your house have her invite the kids who are her closest friends so you can see how they interact.It can help you to be more comfortable when you know the face of the kids she talks about.We also drop her off at the get togethers so we can speak to the parents in person the first time.They don't like this but if they really want to go they will live through it.We also have one prepaid cell phone.It has a limited amount of minutes on it.We give it to her when she goes off like this so we can check up on her.(also makes them look cool to the friends)there is lots out there you can get even on a limited budget. It is a little embarassing to call the house they are at to check on them.She has gotten more reliable as we have required more of her.If you can reach her it makes it easier to let her go more places.

Ok, I am not a parent of a teen, but I do know one thing. She doesn't have to like that you are calling the other parents, but it's your job. Hopefully, when my son reaches that age, I can follow my own advice. Good Luck!

Well I have two kids a boy at the age of 22 and a daughter at the age of 19. With both of my kids they where not allow to go anywhere unless I knew eactly where and who they would be with at the age of 14. As my son got a little older i notice that he was steaking and going places he was not suppose to go and doing things he was not allow to do. So i sit him now and we had a talk He was 16 at the time. I told him that I would meet him in the middle as long as he obey my rules that I would allow him more freedom but as soon as he messed up one time than i would take away his freedom. Now to me comeing to the fact that my child was growing up i drug testing my son at any given time, he past with flying colors every time. And he obey the rules and we had peace at last. Now he was driving at time. so his rules was a little more advance than you might think. Seeing this my daughter never gave me a ounce of trouble, I feel that if you let them get what ever it is out of there system during there teenage years than at the age of my children now it is over and done with. My son just grad. from college and my daughter is in her second year. They do not party or want to run the roads anymore they take care of them self. Believe me this was hard for me because i was a single mother for nine of these years and it was the hardest thing i have ever done, but it was trust in my kids that i had to have. i am glad i did what i did. Good Luck to you.