How Do I Start a Conversation with My Mom?

If she came to you to try and work things out, would you assume she was saying that you were right and she was wrong? I wouldn't, and I don't think she would either.

You don't have to approach her with an idea of who's right or wrong. You could just say, "Mom, I love you, and I'm sorry we fought," or "I'm sorry I hurt you." Or not say sorry at all, just I love you. Maybe you two have things you need to work out. Maybe you just need a cooling off period.

You want her to come to your wedding but not her husband? Ouch! I'm not sure there's any way that that won't end badly. He might not be your father, but he is her husband. They're kind of a package deal. I think I would think long and hard about that one. Is there anyway that you can just tolerate him being there? As the bride, there will be so many, many, many people wanting your attention and things going on. Maybe you could have one of your friends or relatives run interference for you.

If you give it some thought, I'd be willing to bet you'll come up with a way to allow him to be there without you even noticing.

N.,

Welcome to mamapedia.

Well the issue is whether you would rather be doggedly "right" or have your mom at your wedding.

You don't say what the argument was about nor what her husband did that was so horrible. To be honest, you kinda sound like Bridezilla.

My mom is dead. What I wouldn't give to have her back. And here you are, not talking with her over words that were said. You can't take the words back. You can say you were sorry and move on.

Unless the guy molested you? I don't see what's so horrible that he can't be there for your mom. Are YOU perfect? This is a marriage. Marriage is the COMBINING of families. Stop and assess just what it is you are doing. This isn't a "one time thing". Do you really want to be going through your wedding album in 10 years with your kids and they notice Grandma isn't there? Oh yeah. I was mad at grandma, so she couldn't come to my wedding. How freaking scary for a kid to hear their mom doesn't know about unconditional love.

Think about the long term affects over this. You would rather remain "right" and not apologize?? What's wrong with saying I AM SORRY for the words I said?

You start by saying I'm sorry.

Get your priorities straight. Does being right mean that much to you that you would rather exclude your mom from your life?

What does it matter if she was right and you were wrong? APOLOGIZE!!

If you truly want to make peace with your mom then its not a matter of being right. Go into the conversation being humble with an open heart. Let her know that you are bothered by the huge fight and the things both of you said to each other. Let her know that you don't want to continue to have a tense relationship with her now that you are starting a new chapter in your life.

If you can't just go in humble with an open heart then you shouldn't have this conversation. And as far as inviting her but not her husband? Not cool. If he's a part of her life then she should be able to have him escort her to the event.

If you were wrong admit it to her. Do not mention what she said that was wrong. Just admit your own faults and move on. You might not get out of her husband attending unless you have that conversation with her too. Tough situation to be in. Hope it goes well for you. If you are afraid of saying more things you will regret then write her a letter and hand deliver it to her. Have her write her response so she has to think about what she is writing.

Why do you care if she thinks you are saying she is right? Or that you are wrong? Or that she is wrong and you are right? Loving, healthy relationships are about communication, not about "winning." This isn't a game, or a race - this is your mother, and there should never be a winning or losing component to your relationship.

I think meeting with a therapist yourself, first, to determine why you feel like you do, and then I would invite your mother to attend with you and use that as an opportunity for you both to be in a place that is somewhat moderated in a healthy way, by a trained professional.

Also, I don't know what your step-dad did or didn't do, but tread very, very lightly here. If your opening gambit in re-establishing your relationship with your mom is to toss her husband to the side in favor of a daughter to has a very strained relationship with her, you may end up in a place you don't like. You need to play the long game here - your wedding is one day, but your relationship with your mom is meant to be forever.

One more thing - I don't agree with the "letter writing." I used to, but this was before the age of the internet/texting/twitter/instagram/etc. Folks have become so accustomed to writing and seeing spew on the internet, that letter is no longer really an introspective tool - especially for the millennials. Instead, it is a way to hide behind pen and paper and spill out potential venomous views with no holds barred.

Sometimes writing a letter is the way to go. Often counselors will suggest this - it's a way to get out your feelings, without being interrupted or having to justify yourself - and it's a way to set your boundaries.

Personally - this is what I would do.

Write down how you're feeling (this may take several attempts), say "sorry" at some point, because you are at the very least sorry for the things that you said that were uncalled for, and say you hope to have a better relationship going forward, and this is what you NEED to have that happen. Plain and simple. Keep it short, a page - page and a half tops.

As for the stepfather being at the wedding. That's one of those situations where then it's up to your mother to decide if she wants to come or not. Everyone is allowed to bring a guest to a wedding, regardless. For example, when you invite just people to a wedding and include a 'guest' you can't specify who.

If he has done something personally to you - then I think it's absolutely reasonable to tell your mother why you do not want him there. You can do so in the letter. Hopefully it's not something awful. The thing is, be prepared then for her not to come. She may feel she has to take sides.

If it's that involved, then may I suggest you and she go to some therapy - where a neutral third party can help sort things out. I don't think therapy solves everything, but without any details to go on - hard to say what needs to be done here.

Letter hopefully will start the process. Good luck :)

ETA: MilitaryMom makes a good point. If it's simply to rant or vent, or be accusatory - then no. That's not the intent. Then go see a therapist and get all that out, or write a letter but don't send it. Whatever works for you.

The letter should be an olive branch kind of thing.

Do you want to be right or have her at your wedding?

We don't know what he did. Is it really leave him out of your wedding horrible? Or is it something you don't like so you are using attendance at your wedding as a bargaining chip to hurt your Mom? Again, we don't know. How about......

"Mom, I love you and really want you to be a part of my big day. Can we agree to disagree and have a great time? I know how much it means to you to have your husband at my wedding. If you decide he will come, could you please put on your mamma bear hat and keep him In line and protect me from any step dad drama so I can have one less thing on my mind that day?

Start the convo off by saying that its important she is in your life and that you don't want to fight anymore. It doesn't matter who is wrong or right but that you want to come to some common ground. I am in a similar situation .

Tell your mom, I want to us to have a better relationship. I love you. Then just listen and don't get defensive. This is a start. By the way, don't play the game of not wanting to make the first move bc she will think she is right. Just don't think that way. It's hard. I also have a hard time having conversations with my mom who always wants to be right on everything. It's hard not to be annoyed all the time. Also - if you invite her to your wedding you really need to invite her husband too even if you don't like him. Now if he abused you or something like that it is different. Then she must know the background and you can tell her that you want her to come but not her husband due to him abusing you in the past. If he has not abused you or her then I think you should suck it up.

Being the bigger person is not an admission of being wrong.
You are getting married, she is your mother. Is there a much bigger history going on here? It must have been one hell of a fight if you have to say you want to invite her to your wedding.
You can simply start the conversation by saying, you want her at your wedding. Let's be adults and try to talk this out, or agree or to disagree.
Saying you don't want her husband at your wedding is a whole other issue.

you start by saying you're sorry. it's really simple "Mom, I'm sorry for the words I said when we argued 2 weeks ago. I've calmed down now and would like to work through it"

Why is being "right" so important to you? What if you ARE WRONG?? Can you admit it? Can you be the bigger person and admit your faults?

Do you really want your mom to miss out on your wedding? I just can't imagine my boys NOT inviting me to their weddings. Wow.

You sound like you really shouldn't be getting married right now. It's a commitment. And you if are going to let angry words keep you from talking to your mom? Just imagine how bad it will be when you fight with your husband.

Don't get married until you can be mature enough to apologize and work through issues instead of not talking. You really need to learn to communicate.