Stepmom Being Excluded from Important Event!

The 24 year old needs to grow up. If you've been married to her father for 21 years, you are certainly part of his family...and the children who will be in the wedding...I am assuming they are his childrent also, so there must be some sort of relationship there. She either really wants her parents to appear to be a couple at her wedding, or she is afraid her mother will make a scene, and if that's the case, she needs to sit down with her mother and inform her that after all these years she need to give it up, and you husband needs to be the one to insist on this, unless he is enjoying being chased by his ex.

He needs to have a heart to heart talk with his daughter and let her know that he has been married for 21 years to you and would like you to be there also. The fact that his ex and her mother will be there should not make a difference, you are both adults and I would hope know how to behave. Give a try. If she is getting married she is old enough to know how to think this out.

I'm a bit confused - did the daughter or her mother say you couldn't attend? The only one that matters is the daughter- it's her day, no matter who is paying for the wedding, and her wishes should be respected.

Is she going to ask anyone else to clear their date for the wedding with her? I agree with most of the other ladies that you deserve proper respect as her father's wife. It is a huge affront to you to be asked not to attend. Someone said "how would she feel if she were invited somewhere but asked not to bring her new husband"? No doubt she would probably not attend herself. I know that I nor my husband would either. We are united and wish to be seen that way always...by our children, family, friends and aquaintences. She should not be making her father choose... and He should not allow you to be excluded either. This will set a horrible example for your other children. While I know she probably wants the day to go smoothly and avoid scenes or gossip...Everyone there will wander silently why her stepmother is not attending. They will assume there are problems. No matter what explanation is given, everyone will still assume the absolute worst. While I certainly love my children and want to do the best I can for them and make them happy; I will not place them above my spouse, not matter how estranged we may get. My husband is the one I have pledged my life to and who will be there when the children are gone. I have a greater responsibility to him. While our children are still small I will always consider their needs with any decision I make. However, I will not allow them to come between our relationship. Considering she is just getting to know her father again...I am pretty shocked that she would ask something like that of him. He has to make the decision who is more important to him. If he feels uncomfortable about agreeing not to bring you, then he should explain that to his daughter. At that time he'll need to be ready to issue an ulitimatum...accept you as his wife and ask you to attend, or he stays home as well. This is not a small issue in the grand scheme. There are many time in our life where the seemingly small stuff affects the rest of our lives. If he agrees to go without you, this will set the stage for many more issues like this. There will always be a struggle unless she sees you and her father as united and one. Yes, this is the most important day in her life up to this point...however, she does not get to receive her happiness at the expense of someone else's. That should never be accepted. As for her mother, explain to your stepdaughter that you will stay as far away as possible and try not to interact with her mother at all. This also means that there are absolutely NO photos of the three of them together without you! Both my husband and I had been married before, but neither of us had children with our ex. When we got married and were having our wedding photos done after the wedding...his parents wanted one with his whole family, his sibling's spouses included, without me. We both know why they wanted the picture and regret to this day, 8 years later, that we allowed them to get their picture. I am quite a bit younger than my husband and it made me assume that while they seemed to like me well enough, they were not too sure the marriage would last. I do not have a strained relationship with his parents and his father has since passed away. But, I hate the impression that it gave to all of them and our guests. I was offended and hurt at the time, but didn't want to make an issue of it that day. My husband was a little confused when they asked for the picture without me, but wasn't really thinking too much about it. Later when we looked at our pictures he realized how significant it was to me, because he didn't like it either. My family was also a little confused about the request, but didn't really know what to say. Even with the age difference, the fact that I, their only child and would now be 1800 miles way, they all loved my husband. We let it go at the time...but I wish we hadn't. We had a lovely wedding, but I will always remember that feeling of being excluded from that family photo. My husband was in all the pictures with me and my family. My husband told me that if is parents put that picture up in their house, he would ask that it be taken down. Yes, his parents deserve respect, but no more than I do as his spouse. We should come first to each other. That is as it should be. I hope this input helps.

Bottom line--he's not invited if his wife is not invited. Period. You can work it around and express it however you want, but that's what it boils down to. Maybe you can explain to her that she will understand once she is "the wife". She cannot see it from your perspective now, but it is the job of her father/your husband to set the standard and the tone right now, in the beginning (especially with such a significant event), or you will always be relegated to the extremities. It's not about a guestlist; you are NOT his "plus one". Whenever he is expected, you should be expected to be at his side. She might not appreciate it now, but she should later when you are there caring for her. She's an adult, but right now she is their "baby girl", and she's acting like it because that's where she left off with him. Unfortunately, time did not stand still, and you don't have to coddle her like it did. If he attends (and participates in) this wedding without you, you are settign a terrible precedent that will be very difficult to overcome. Sparing feelings now will not make it better for later. As "the child" in this situation, she does not get that.

I've read all these responses and they are all so thoughtful. It's interesting how everyone sees this from different perspectives.
I am "the second wife," and I am fortunate to be forming a cordial relationship with my husband's adult daughter after a number of years of reluctance on her part and real hostility from her mother. So, I'm trying to see this from the daughter's perspective, her mom's and from yours (and, of course, your husband, who must be feeling pulled to pieces in all of this).
I suppose what I keep coming down to is basic etiquette. Sometimes it seems like good manners are the best thing to fall back on in a situation where there is no good, pure, answer.
Regardless of the hows or whys of how you became a couple or the particularities of your relationship with the bride, it
seems to me that it's simply bad manners for the bride to exclude you under the circumstances you describe, whatever her concerns about potential tension at the wedding. She has invited her previously estranged father to give her away and, if I'm reading your post together, has also invited her step-siblings - your children with her father? So, clearly, she isn't feeling it necessary to try to gloss over the fact that there has been a longstanding divorce and remarriage, as if that were truly possible, no matter how much we all want our fantasies to come true on our wedding day.
Being the bride doesn't give her a pass when it comes to thoughtfulness and consideration. In fact, difficult as it may be for her, it's probably the best time to start acknowledging that no occasion in life can wipe the past clean. Maybe it's time to make a statement by including her entire blended family - and to have a talk with her mother about the fact that she, the bride, is ready to make that statement and would very much like her support. Up to her, I know, but, as someone else pointed out, she's grown woman now and, bride or not, it seems like this is the time to own that.
As for your husband, what signal does he send his daughter about his respect for the role of a wife, if he participates in your exclusion? And if he does, what future events might he be invited to attend on the condition that you not join him? A christening? A graduation?
I think that last point is really worth talking about with your husband.
I truly wish you the best in all of this. It's never easy.

Father of the bride could tell his daughter that he
would be honored to walk her down the isle, and if it is
"HER" wish to not include you, that he
will respect her wishes that you not attend. But also,
he will only be in pictures with the bride/groom and his own family, and he could not stay for the reception. And
that he wants to include you in celebrating her union, on another day, in another way. Also, he will sit where
he wants to at the wedding, at the other end of the
"parents row" maybe. If the daughter thinks it is
disrespectful that he make these demands, it is even more
disrespectful that she not accept YOU as his wife/ and
date and she's really left him no other option. If stated calmly, without emotion, this can be done very diplomatically. We will all be watching for your
update. Wishing all goes well with you.
P.S. If, all the sudden, he is no longer invited to be
part of her day, it is a choice that she has made. Your
husband should be able to live with that.

It must be very painful, my sister went thru the same thing, I advised her to send her a card and to wish her the best, her step daughter called and apologized for not inviting her, people there at the wedding asked for my sister and asked why she hadn't been invited so I'm pretty sure she had alot of explaining to do. Good luck!!!!!!

Hi R. - Let it go, remember it is her day and if you graciously step back it will decrease the drama etc. The fact is that you are not her Mother and were not even in her life at all while she was being raised so there is no reason for you to be there. If you make a big deal about it, it will only cause stress for your husband and his daughter. If you are afraid that your husband will reunite with his ex-wife then the problem is larger than just the wedding!

Good luck!

I think most people in this kind of situation have troubles like this. Get your "daughter" a very nice gift - just from you and tell her you are very sad that you cannot be there, but you will respect her wishes! As soon as you can try to get her to show you a video of the wedding and so on. If the mother is that shallow and jealous you might ruin the wedding by being there and you don't want that to start your relationship off either. So - be the grown up here, be gracious about it...and you'll win the daughter's heart in time. I am so sorry you're having this struggle. BUT, you are the only one with the power to turn it into a possitive thing.

I am so sorry! Your husband's loyalty should be with you. He should reassure his daughter that nothing will "go wrong" if you are there (at least not from you) and that he made a mistake by not including you in his visits. He should decline the invitation to the wedding if you are not included. It's been a long time to keep the dream of reconcilitation alive. It's time to get real and she needs to realize that this is an affront to your father and you, and she will lose both if she persists in it. Your children are invited and you are not! Unbelievable!

Just read your outcome and I'm so sad that your husband's daughter was so hateful. I pity her groom starting married life with a woman who could act this way towards her own father. He may think he's rescuing her, but unless something dramatic happens in her spirit, he now will probably learn the lesson your husband learned with her mother. Poor soul.
You on the other hand, married well. God bless him for staying by your side when the situation was awkward, and still offering to do the right thing. Maybe one day she'll wake up and start being honest with herself, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Sorry, I think if you don't get invited, he may need to stay home as well. I mean you are his wife,package deal. Now if you were OK with it and just told him to go, etc that would be one thing...maybe. But, if you have any hesitancy in your heart I say he needs to leave well enough alone. I really can't believe she would think it is OK to exclude you from the wedding. You two are one and there should not be any reason to ask you to stay away. When my husband and I got married we invited his dad and his new wife even though my husband doesn't know her, she is very young, and he was simply informed in a phone call that his father was married. I know it was a little awkward for his stepmother who had been married to his father for many years and then dumped by him harshly. But everyone played nice at our wedding and really we would have never considered not inviting his dad's wife. Last year I sent them a Christmas card and forgot her name in the address and we called and apologized profusely. It was just an oversight because really we don't know her but she is the man's wife. I hope it all works out and I am really sorry that you have been put in such a bad position. I really hope she has a change of heart and gives you the place you deserve.

My question is WHO said you can't go....your daughter or the ex-wife? If it was the daughter, sadly, I would honor her request, but if it was the ex-wife, I'd ask the daughter about it....it's HER wedding after all. And if you do go, just stay calm and avoid the ex as much as possible so she can't "bait" you into an argument.

Sorry to hear it. Nevertheless, don't be discouraged. Just show her what a good sport you are and let him go to the wedding without you. I wouldn't worry about the mother. Your husband rekindling a relationship with his daughter is what's important now. If the ex tries anything again, just be sure your husband knows the drill. I trust you intend to make the trip since your children are going to be in the wedding. It wouldn't hurt to be standing by--better safe than sorry. Best of luck to you all. J.

I am a step-mother as well. I am fortunate not to have this situation...yet. So I understand your pain in being excluded. I am also a daughter of a failed marriage. I understand your step-daughter's postion very well. Unfortunately, my mother can cause scenes as well. I think she is excluding you, not to hurt you or worry about your behavior. I think she is excluding you because she fears what her own mother might do. Believe me, I have a crazy mother at times. My father almost didn't want to go to my wedding because he didn't want to be in the same room with my mother. She causes that much trouble. However, he finally realized that he needed to be there for me, and he just stayed as far away as he could from her while he was there. I think, like I said, that it has more to do with her mother's behavior. I don't know your family personally, but this is my perspective, from my experience. Please don't take this personally. I'll pray for you.

It sounds to me like the ex-wife and daughter are trying to come between you and your husband. If he and the children participate in the wedding knowing that you are being intentionally excluded, they are just as guilty.

I suspect your husband feels caught between you and her, but his loyalty needs to be to you, his wife. If he chooses ex-wife over you for this, she runs the show from now on. As your husband, he should be feeling protective of you in this, as in all things.

You stated that your husband can't tell her who to invite to her wedding, but he can say that he won't participate in his wife being insulted. Your children should absolutely not go if you are not invited. To include them but say that something will go wrong if you are there is encouraging them to disrespect you.

I realize you have no control over his behavior. All you can do is be honest about your feelings about this, protect your own kids (regardless of their ages) then behave with dignity.

Also, since you know have a third person in your marriage, it might be time to have some professional help in figuring out how you are going to deal with this as a couple.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

R.,
I think Jenna H. had a very good point and your husband needs to make a stand about how disrespectful this is to you and there will be other family functions. Will she get away with discluding you from everything? I hope your husband won't tolerate that.

Dear R.,

I agree that this would be painful and anxiety-producing for anyone in your position. But maybe I am missing something - were you raising this girl for a time? I wonder because you call her your stepdaughter and at another point you call her "our daughter." If you have parented this girl for a time, this is painful indeed. But if she is more or less a stranger to you, that seems like something you could make less painful by thinking of her in different terms, as your husband's daughter rather than as your daughter. In any case, it is clear (more or less) why this is happening -- as someone else said, if the mother isn't happy, no one is happy. I actually get the daughter's position, in wanting to have her father there and to keep her mother from making her wedding memorably awful, and if she doesn't know you, that seems like an understandable position for her to take. If she had a relationship with you at one time as a stepmother or mother, on the other hand, that is a much more bitter pill for you to swallow. So, if you did have a hand in raising this girl, you might want to talk to your husband about what the two of you want to do about this, because her exclusion of you really is a personal rejection. On the other hand, if you only had her come visit a few times as a little girl and were never in a parental, caregiving relationship with her at any stage, maybe redefining your relationship to her, thinking of her as your husband's daughter rather than as your daughter or step daughter, would be very helpful and would reflect how she seems to see the situation. Obviously her predatory mother is an issue, but assuming your husband doesn't find his ex-wife's nasty, manipulative hardball tactics romantically irresistible, they are not THE issue where his daughter's wedding is concerned. THE issue is a young woman and her betrothed being able to pledge their love and commitment to each other before a community of their choosing, free from anxiety that the most unbalanced of their close relatives will make their day memorable for anything but the union that is being celebrated. It is true that you are not being honored as a mother or stepmother (or even a second cousin) in the wedding as this young woman has envisioned it. If you have been a mother or step mother to her and your relationship with her was painfully interrupted when your husband's was, I think you need to have a good talk with your husband. But if anything has happened between you and his daughter to cause an estrangement on her side, or if you have never been close to her, it seems fair and reality-based to accept that this is her decision and the way that she sees you -- as someone with whom she is not close enough to to fight for when her wedding and possibly her peaceable relationship with a volatile mother are at stake.

You can always invite her and her new husband to come spend a long week-end with you and your husband soon after the wedding, or do other things to show that you are eager to welcome her back into your life and to get to know her husband. Anything you can do to arrange time with her on your turf or on neutral ground is likely to be a step in the right direction. For now, you are not, for whatever reason, her step mother, but you clearly would like to be. After the wedding is the best time to focus on making that relationship a reality.

Best wishes!
M.

Hi R.-

My suggestion is to be the bigger person. Understand that it is not that she thinks you will do anything to upset her wedding, it is that she KNOWS her mother will! Tell her you understand and help your husband to understand as well. The two of you can take your time rebuilding a relationship with the daughter and you (and she) will be better off for it in the end.

My parents divorced when I was in college and my father remarried after a few years while my mother remained single. It took me along time to accept the new woman in my father's life, but we took it slow and now we get along very well and I look forward to their visits. She is a 3rd grandmother to my kids and I feel very lucky to have her in our lives.

Just remember that this is one event and there is a lifetime of special moments to come.

Good luck with everything,
K.

Just some thoughts...
Obviously you and your husband can't control other people, you can only find peace in controlling how the two of you handle this ~ together. Unfortunately you also cannot control your husband, BUT, given the situation you don't want to rock the boat with the daughter. SO, what if your husband simply makes it clear to his daughter that he will be there for her wedding, but that he feels badly about the fact that his wife of 21 years is excluded. He should also plant a seed in his daughter's head that she is now an adult, and perhaps she needs to take a class in Boundaries to help her get distance and set ground rules with her very controlling mother. Have him let her know it is so that she can have a healthy, adult relationship with the two of you on HER terms instead of her mother's.
This sucks for you because you are being pushed aside for the ex. I have to be honest here, my husband left me for another woman, and even though I don't wish to control that, I will NEVER be around that woman. She knew he was married and was raising a child, and she also knew that I had no idea my husband was unhappy. When, or if, our daughter gets married, I will ask my husband (we're not divorced yet) to leave her out of the event. So, I do understand THAT kind of thing. However, I'm guessing that that's not what went down in your situation and that you're just dealing with "little miss control freak"! Those are the worst! So in order to look your best for the daughter, you might want to invite her out for a lunch, just the two of you, or a dinner, maybe her and the fiance and you and your husband, and make it clear that this is your guesture of congratulations to them. Don't bring up the wedding, she already must feel uncomfortable with this. Just make it about her and you starting off with good feelings.
Best of luck to you, God bless,
D.
P.S. I've just read the other responses...I DO agree that if the daughter is doing this out of disrespect for you, or if she's trying to reunite her parents, then all bets are off and you need to take the advice of these other ladies on here! I was twisting this around thinking that the daughter felt she had no choice because the mother was controlling and might ruin her day if she (the mom) didn't get her way!

Hi R.,

I'm so sorry to hear that this is going on. I can somewhat relate because my husband and I have been married a little over a year and were nervous about inviting my husbands father and step mother. It wasn't because we thought they would start anything but because we were afraid his mother would start something with them. We ended up inviting them and holding our breath. Everything ended up fine but I wouldn't take this as a personal hit maybe her mother has said something about if she sees you she's ready to fight. The only thing yall could possibly do is have your husband talk with his daughter letting her know that you would really like to come because you see her as a daughter as well and would love to see her get married and if she's afraid of any issues tell her that you would not do that to her. If she mentions that her mother may do something then you could always mention that you will do your best to stay out of her way. Either way you can't predict what her mother will do. I would hate for you to miss it but she's going to want to make her mother happy and her mother may be more verbal about what she wants. There are always ppl who put their 2 cents in on how you should do your wedding. If you listen and follow is up to you/her. I really hope you get to go but I wouldn't take it as though she doesn't want you there but that the mother is telling her not to invite you. Maybe if your husband talks with her she will go ahead and invite you as well. Most likely she really wants you there. Good Luck and hang in there.

Hi R.
So sorry you are having to experience his heart ache- but remember- "this too will pass" and your hurt will also heal. This is a one day affair and I know you would really want to be a prt of it for her and your hubby-
I experienced a similar situation with my daughters father (who she never saw until she was an adult) and my husband who raised her- she asked her father to give her away and he and her step mother- (who she did not really know) took over the wedding- my husband was looking forward to giving her away but that did not happen- and I was looking forward to sharing this experience with my daughter- that did not happen- this was 28 years ago- the hurt is stillthere but forgiveness has overcome- let her have her day- and be ready to "baby sit" willingly in the future.
good luck and blessings

Wow, This is very hurtful to you. The daughter sounds like she is still very influenced by her mom. I am assuming it is because of the mom.

I bet "if Mama ain't happy, nobody will be happy". This daughter has grown up in a war zone. Her mother is running the show. The daughter is dodging bullets and bombs.

This is a very important event in all of your lives, but just keep the focus on the daughter. If this is a way to take away stress away from her... let it be. I promise eventually she is going to understand her decisions and make amends with you. It may take years, but once she has time to review all of this, she will grow up and she will not be pleased with her mom.

Her mother is the one stirring this pot. Just let her drown herself in it. Try to always take the high road and you will be rewarded. I see this all of the time as a special events coordinator. The weddings I love the most are the ones where all of the exes are all friendly. When I mention it, most people admit it has take many, many years, sometimes decades to get to this point.. My own father will be getting married for his 3rd time and my mother, her husband, my stepmother and her boyfriend have all been invited. This has been after 30 years of animosity and hard feelings on all sides. We have come a long way and it is wonderful.

I am sending you peace, patience and a healing hug...

wow!!! My stepdaughter is 13 and I always think of what will happen when she gets married. Have your husband talked to his daughter about it? What about the husband to be? So, you have pretty much been part of her life for 21 years and she's excluding you from this important event? I would say that if there's no solution - plan a trip with a friend or relative to Italy, Greece, or somewhere magical where you don't have to think about it. I am a bit surprise that your husband is not giving you your place though. I know that you cannont/should not force him not to go but he should have some kind of iniciative to address the problem with his daughter. If the daughter doesn't want you there then, he should only go to the ceremony, give her away, and come back to you right after and make a point. You are an important part of his life and he should give you your place.

PS. Please, let us know what happens.

The daughter may be more aware than you realize and she wants an otherwise stressful day to to as smoothly as possible - after all, it is "her day".
You should go along with her wishes, but perhaps you should write her a very nice note wishing her happiness, etc. Maybe even send a nice gift with the note. I'm sure knows what strings her Mother pulls.
Be the bigger person and let her know she is always welcome in your home and invite her and her new husband for a visit - at your home - so that you can get to know her a little better and vice versa.
Good luck with this - it's a difficult situation.

Every one needs to sit down and discuss this. After reading your post again, I am still a little confused. Did this daughter ask your children to be IN the wedding? Who told you that you could not come to the wedding. Also, when your husband was there visiting, why didn't he leave when the ex-wife started her campaign to get your husband back. There appears to be no boundaries regarding your marriage for either of these ladies. The only person who can do that is your husband. Its time he made a stand.

With 21 years of marriage, I am sure that yall have built strong lines of communication. I am very honest with my husband about my feelings and or insecurities. Your husband will have to realize that his interaction with his daughter can take place, but that it will always have some interaction with his ex. This current situation is tough. I would allow my husband to go and communicate to my husband my love and support for him and his commitment to his children. If I felt that loosing our marriage to the situation was plausible, then I would ask him not to go.

perhaps when she says " noting going wrong" she is talking about her mother and her reaction to you. she knows her mom better than you and i would not count on sane reactions from her. she sounds a little off. just my take on it. weddings suck because some one always gets there feelings hurt. please remember this day is about the daughter and her soon to be husband not about the rif between her parents.

It sounds like his daughter wants her mom & father to be together & that's not why you're included. Yes rifts CAN occur between ex-spouse & the new spouse but mature people can be civil to one another, it sounds like the ex isn't very mature in this respect. You should be invited out of all fairness. You are her step mother and her fathers new wife, she has to accept that & to not include you is, to me, disrespectful. Further, if I were your husband, I'd decline going to the wedding unless you are invited. It supports you as his wife but also reiterates the fact that you are now in their lives & she has to accept that. I'd also think about the fact that your children are invited but not you?? Just explain that while you're appreciative of her asking your children to be in the wedding, it's disrespectful not to even invite you. I'd refrain from allowing your children to participate if it were me but of course it's your decision either way. Of course you could just show up. If your husband objects then I'd just explain, again, that it's disrespectful if you're not invited although he & the children are. He should support you! I was done the same way w/a family photograph organized by my, now, step-mother in law. I was invited to be in the photo but at the very last moment, I was told I wasn't invited after all because me & my hubby were not married, only dating & therefore "not a part of the family", I had to babysit her grandkids instead. I felt very insulted. I'm sure you feel the same way. Although I'm sure you're not the same way as my hubby's step mother, it sounds like you're a very loving and lovely person, my hubby's step mother has always been cold towards my hubby and I and although we didn't really feel comfortable with her at our wedding, we did respect the fact that his father has remarried & everyone was civil & we had a great time. Good luck!!

R.,
What I am most concerned about after reading your note is that you have been married for 21 years and haven't worked thru these family issues with your husband. The real problem has nothing to do with not being invited to your step-daughter's wedding, it has to do with ignoring the reality of a broken marriage. Clearly, there's no communication in your home or you wouldn't be in this dilemna. Your husband not seeing his child for 24 years is so sad and then visiting his child without you is also another disconcerting indication.

You don't speak at all to what your relationship is with your step-daughter. So, if you haven't built a trusting, loving relationship with this child, why would she invite you to her wedding?

So, please stop blaming his daughter and his ex-wife about the dilemna you find yourself in. You are not a victim, you are just acting like one.

Ok, so without knowing the REAL details of what happened 21 years ago, you need to sit down with your husband and decide what relationship YOU are going to have with step-daughter and you BOTH need to put a plan together to help evolve it and then pray that it happens with grace and forgiveness. Unfortunately you are 'behind the eightball' because a major family event is going to happen before you can do this and that is truly the tragedy here.

So, you need to give her 'grace' beyond what you think is 'fair' and put her first, because it doesn't sound like you both have often done that for 24 years. It doesn't sound like she even knows you, so you should write her a thoughtful, heartfelt and GENUINE letter congratulating her on her special day and how much you hope it lasts lifetime. Do not send her a separate gift but rather make sure you and your husband send one gift from the 'family'. Take the higher road and behave as a 41-yr old, mature and responsible mother would, not as a teenager that has gotten their feelings hurt. It's her day, not yours. You had yours 21 years ago when you married her father. A father does not 'lose' contact with his child, he chooses to not communicate for 24 years and rationalizes his behavior.

Treat her as you would like to be treated or at least treat her as you would your own child that has been deeply hurt.

I wish you good luck on being a positive role model and parent.

Who is saying that you are not invited? The daughter or the mom? If its the mom, I would go anyways. If it is her choice to cause a scene b/c you are there with YOUR husband to support YOUR step-daughter, then so be it. You cannot control her actions. If it is the daughter saying you are not invited, then you need to talk to your husband about it more seriously and maybe he should not go either. The daughter needs to know that you are his wife, her step-mother and that he stands by YOU 100%. I know he wants to be there for his daughter, but you are his wife and if she cannot deal with that, then neither of you should attend the wedding. OR just go anyways either way and be supportive of your husband and enjoy yourself as much as possible. Best of luck to you!

P.S. I am adding this after my response, because I just read a rude response from someone & R., don't take it to heart!! I think Teresa E. was totally out of line!

R., you have gotten great advise from these other wise ladies! I can only backup most of what I've read & will just say a few things. First I agree your hubby should sit down & talk to his daughter about excluding you. She is absolutely old enough to understand & to stand against turmoil. Sounds to me like she should be sitting her mom down & explaining you are her dad's wife & now that she & her dad are reunited, her mom needs to accept the fact that you too will be a part of her life, not to replace her mom, but share this relationship you & your husband have waited so long on. You are the mother of her half siblings & it would not be a comfortable situation to your children if she were to reject you & not them. Her mom should be adult enough to accept this & if she isn;t she is the one with the problem...NOT YOU! Her dad needs to tell her that this is her special day & he would like her special day to include you, because you are his wife & mother of his other children, he loves you & does not feel comfortable with the intended plans of excluding you. He needs to tell her that it is selfish of whomever is pushing the issue of you not being allowed to come to the wedding. Since she is getting married, surely she must know how it would feel if she were invited to an event someone she was close too was having & told that her husband could not attend. IF he lets them do this, then you will always be pushed to the side by her. ALWAYS! Is it possible for you & your husband to meet her & take her lunch so that the two of you could reunite also before the wedding? That may help her in her stand against her mom, to be able to spend time with you & get to know you again. 24 yrs is a long time & any feelings she might have had for you would have possibly dissolved in that time because i'm sure her mom has downed you all these years to her. Her mom has no respect for you as "the wife" if she did she would not have tried to come between you & him by having intentions of "getting him back"
Another thing, his daughter loves her mom but is old enough that i'm sure she knows her mom was the reason she had no relationship with her dad. She is starting her own life & its time she stands up to mom (with respect) and puts her in her place concerning her relationship with her dad & you & her siblings. She cannot expect a relationship to continue with dad & siblings & you be excluded. that is soooo wrong!
Try not to get bitter, but i know your feelings are hurt, mine would be too. But if she insists on you not attending then I think your hubby needs to step up to the plate & explain to her, he wants to give her away, he has dreamed of this day, but so have you & he doesn't want to hurt you, by him & your children having to leave you behind. I definitely would not allow my children to attend if you can't. I think the heart to heart would help more than anything & you being allowed to go meet her with your husband & reunite ASAP!! before that wedding! Maybe a little guilt will seep in on her if SHE has to face you & her be the one to tell you that you are not invited! She should be the one to tell you that anyway, she shouldn't put your husband in that position, and maybe hubby should tell her that :) That might just be what it takes :) Put that her on to tell you.(to your face)
Please let us ALL know what the outcome of your situation is, i'm sure the other mom's are just as anxious as I am to hear back from you.
Best Wishes R. to you & your family!

I don't really know all the details here. If you have been married to this girls father for 21 years, did you ever meet this child? Have you ever had any type of relationship with her? Does she blame you for her parents divorce? What has her mother told her. There seems to be some behind the scenes manipulation going on here, for her mother to just show up, then you are very pointedly not invited to the wedding.
It is rude for her to exclude you from the wedding, but you don't know that it is not you she may be worrying about, it may be her mother's behavior she is worried about ruining her wedding. Your husband should man up and say "If my wife is not invited, then the rest of my family and I are not invited. I am sorry we won't be attending." It doesn't sound like this is going to happen, and he shouldn't HAVE to make that ultimatum, but if he and your children do go to the wedding I would also go on the trip with them and try to make the best of it. He should attend, walk her down the isle, take a few select pictures, then take the children and leave and let her know that he would be glad to stay for the entire event if all of his family were here to also enjoy the festivities, but his wife and the childrens mother is waiting for them back at the hotel, so they must leave.
But there should be no question about it in the future, your husband should make it perfectly clear that he will not tolerate you being excluded from events.
You are his family, period. Take her and her fiance/or new husband out for dinner or invite them for the weekend and get to know her and let her get to know you, but this is the time to set the precidence for future family events, or you may find you are excluded from now on. I know you are hurt and she is maybe living in a pollyanna world that maybe her parents could be back together, but your husband needs to be firm and consistant in his loyalty to you and your family to this daughter he has just re-united with.

It is probably not you! I got married 3 years ago and invited everyone. If I had known how much trouble this was going to cause with my mother I wouldn't have! I have no issues with my father's wife and my parents had been divorced ~25 years so I didn't think it would be a problem. Well boy was I wrong and it took the birth of my daughter to really get things back to normal with my mother almost 2 years later. Just wanted to provide some additional input that if his daughter feels she has to " pick" between you and her mother - she us going to pick her mother. I would try to find out if this is the issue. And if it is I would hope you would have the patience to let her have her day. Much luck!!

Wow! I can only imagine how you must feel. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Is it possible for your husband to calmly ask her what she thinks would happen at her wedding if you came. Maybe it's not you who she is unhappy with. Maybe she knows how her mom is and she doesn't trust her mom not to start something embarrassing. Even if she knows this about her mom, I'm sure she still loves her mom and won't exclude her own mother. However, as a grown up she should be able to talk with her parents and tell them what she expects as appropriate conduct at her wedding and if they can't abide by her wishes than they shouldn't come. However, that's just my opinion and I'm not her and I don't know all of the dynamics so I guess I'm just rambling. Anyway, I hope your situation changes and you eventually get an invite and acceptance into her life.

I had that just happen. I've been married for 21 years. Stepsons are 28 and 30. My husband and my sons are 16 and 18. I'm the younger second wife and ex wife is enraged with hate and jealousy. My stepson called me and told me him and his future wife don't want me at wedding, they want peace. Fast forward my stepsons were disinvited to my husbands nieces wedding. My husband and I went to wedding ceremony however he didn't attend reception. My kids have written himoff. It's a mess. I wasn't invited to bridal shower also. Ex wife wanted only biological parents at wedding but my kids were invited. My stepson will be 29 years old and don't want to be mean however at this point I have no feelings for him and his wife. My kids feel the same even though I told them you do what you want. We have Xmas Eve, Easter and Fathers Day at our house. I can't even stand to look at them. I don't want to be spiteful but everything they have done with no remorse and they don't care that our relationship ship have suffered. Can't forgive someone who doesn't want forgiveness. Moving forward this will all happen again when my other stepson gets married and christening, 1st Bday etc. it will never end

I have no idea. I simply was not invited to my stepdaughters wedding. my husband gave them away, but didn't stay to the wedding but 30 mins at the most. He felt bad. I felt he should have stood up for me, he felt that I was better off staying home. go figure. since the weddings the daughters still remain to be rude to me, by ignoring me and sending their kids over so my husband can babysit. this jus driving a wedge between the two of us. frankly speaking i have been thinking of leaving. i am sick of them and fed up with him for not speaking up for me. so there. it gets worse. stop it now before it becomes worse.