Let me start by saying I have an amazing husband. He is a wonderful daddy to our two yr old, and he works so hard to provide for us. The problem? He (not intentionally) is so negative. Examples: if we are watching TV, he will criticize the news anchors hair or clothes. If we see someone at the store that doesn't look just right, he gets suspicious of them. Now he is a cop, and does only see the worst of society; I understand that. But what makes him see the glass as half empty instead of half full? We have a great home, great jobs, we have fun together, but he is so uptight. Any change in routine or schedule seems to annoy him. It seems to suck the life out of me. I have talked to him about it, and he says he will work on it. Then after a while it is back to the same old thing. How can I encourage him to relax, go with the flow, and chill out? We do try to make time for each other, and our daily lives are not busy, other than work. He has always been uptight, but instead of getting better over time he just gets worse. Please do not write ugly things about him, he is a wonderful man. I just need some encouragement.
Yes, you did marry him because you love him, and I agree that you should think of things daily that you love about him.
You may also come up with a code word or something that you can casually say to him in public to remind him of this behavior that he has promised to work on.
Blessings to you. He loves you too if he wants to protect you and the little one.
P. <><
One thing that helped me focus on more positive things was to keep a "gratitude journal", where I would write down all of the things I was thankful for that day.
For a while, I was focusing more negative than positive, and when my husband pointed it out, I was hurt but grateful. I wanted to change that, because I wanted my children to learn better, and they are very good at picking up on EVERYTHING. lol But it took a lot of prayer, scripture study, and self-study for me to finally turn things around. And keeping this journal was a part of that. I initially kept it for my husband, and my way of thanking him for what he contributed (helping with the kids, emotional support, prayers, financially, etc.), but it quickly became my way of focusing on all things positive that day. It was wonderful!
My hubby was a cop for 15 years. Now he's a professional pilot. He left law enforcement 3 years ago and STILL acts suspicious etc. I think it's permanently engrained in him. I love him dearly but it drives me crazy that he is so untrusting of others. I know that its from years of being exposed to bad people and it's second nature to him. I really just try to ignore it. I pay attention to him when he is leary of someone (esp. in regards to the kids) but I try not to let his critical nature bother me. My dh also doesn't like change in routine or schedule. What I try to do is give him as much notice and advance warning as possible. I also have a master calandar on the fridge. This has really helped. I think that it's really hard for cops to remember that not everyone is bad. I know that they have to think that way to stay safe at work and so it's just a habit. They love us so much and want to protect us from the bad stuff out there. I just think that sometimes their perspective gets a little skewed. As far as criticizing other people I'm not really sure how to change that aspect without really hurting his feelings. When my dh does stuff like that I usually point out things that are positive-kind of leading by example. I don't know if you work or not but I would encourage you to join a MOPS group. you can look at their website www.mops.org and find a group that's near you. MOPS saved me! It's an amazing group and a wonderful place to meet other moms in the same stage of life as you. PM if you have any questions or just want to chat cops wife to cops wife. M.
Hello G.
omg! I went thru that with my husband too (smile) and i believe your husband is truly a blessed man i learned through prayer and patience that this is something that is a part of him and the way he is it is going to take time for him to get it out of his system and as a cop you know they are trained a certain way and that is good he is always on his guard but pray and dont stop praying. Another thing i did was when my husband was negative i purposely was positive without lashing out or being rude or making a note of his negativity i for example if he said look at him just big and he needs a haircut i would say baby you know he really aint that big he was probably pushed for time and hadnt got a cut then i laugh and at other times i ignored his comments but still stayed positive and praise the Lord he is coming around strongly and now he catches himself when he says something I know you have a great husband and im extremely grateful for the job he does dont give up and dont give in just give patiently and lovingly a positive attitude that youve been giving and it will change God bless you and keep you all in perfect peace
Does he read, I would suggest "The Last Lecture". It was written by a college professor by the name of Randy Pausch dying with Cancer, he actually gave this lecture at Carnegie Mellon (I think it is also on video).
Not to get squishy or anything, but the things he had to say about life, how you look at it, how you treat people, etc. changed my life. He is basically leaving 3 wonderful children behind and talks about not getting uptight about the stupid little things.
I highly recommend. Good Luck!
E.
I have a husband that is similar in many ways.
Its hard to change a person, we usually have to start with ourselves. Fill your world around you with positive people. Find a mom group that is positive like MOPS(mothers of preschoolers)or something to that effect. The more positive you are it starts to wear off on others.
Ask him everyday to tell you something good about his day. And encourage your son as he learns to communicate with you to do the same as you are sitting at the dinner table.
As for his routines HA thats a hard one... There is really no way around that one. Maybe find something that he loves to do when he is off.
Good luck. Keep your chin up. Look for the joy in everything you do.
G.,
I have been a police officer for 6 yrs and my husband has been a police officer for about 9 yrs. It is hard to allow your guard to come down after you have been an officer for awhile. Just remind him you and your family are on his team. Just remind him of that when things get bad. That is what I have to do to my husband!
Take Care,
Eliyah
I really like the advise of telling each other 1 great thing that happened a day. My husband is a very neg person. He is teaching our children to be the same way. The first time he heard our son say something about an overweight person was a real eye opener. Now he tries to find a positive thing to say no matter what. If he starts to be negitive we change it into a game with the kids. How can we change the mean thing we just said into something really nice. ex. HES FAT turns into He has a great shirt, Or he speaks so that we can understand him. Remind him of how much you love him everyday!!!
G. - Don't get discouraged. To be honest with you, I think it's a cop thing...I'm married to one also. My husband tends to do the same thing pretty often and I've come to the conclusion that it's because of the type of people he deals with at least 8 hours of the day 5 days a week. They deal with awful situations that sometimes we can't even imagine. I'm not saying that it's ok for them to be that way but we just have to love them, accept them, and try to help them be more positive. Hang in there!!
Just remember all of the reasons why you love your husband every day. We marry them and we have to accept their faults as well as the positive thigns that they bring to the marriage. You can't want to change someone who isn't committed to changing himself. If it isn't important to him, it will never change. Just remember that none of us are perfect and he is a great husband!
I am sure you understand you can not change somebody but you can suggest things that can help improve a situation. I would just counter act it. For instance if he is critizing someone i would say something nice about them. Even if it sounds like I am reaching like I bet they are very nice. The only point is to call attention to his negativity without calling him on it directly. It sounds like he has become desensatized to life so it is important to remember how are you going to feel when someone is critizing your son or daughter, husband or wife.
I personally use a daily check if I am saying something negative I ask myself if I would want to be judged. It usaually helps me change directions and show some patients and compassion to other people. good luck
First I would never say anything bad about your husband because I don't know him.
My dad was in law enforcement for 28 years. He never got better until after he retired and still he's very opinionated and closed minded.
They have a VERY horrendous job.Just living around my dad and knowing the person he is I have so little respect for the job, that doesn't mean your husband isn't respectable. They get paid very little for what they have to put up with and endure. You have to realize they are surrounded by the lowest forms of society...it wears on you. I know you love your husband and I love my dad but I made myself a promise in my teen years to never marry a cop. Not only is it hard being a cop...it's hard being a cops wife! Cops also (for some reason) are exposed to a lot of temptation. Just stay proactive and cummunacative and hopefully you can find your common ground.
My exhusband was also very uptight and schedules were everything to him. After the boys were born I kind of made a game out of our scheds. If we had a trip planned it was we will leave at this time, stop for our first bathroom break at this time, etc. Well I would completly mess it up. At first it would drive him nuts then it became a stupid game with the two of us to see who could outwit the other. We still do this today even though we are divorced. It taught him flexiabilty and me to be more prompt.
My dad, father in law, and brother in law are all police officers but they are very well rounded and leave their badges at the door when they come home. I never knew the stress of my dads job growing up. It was not until I got older that I truly understood his job. As you know everyone is wired different but if you agree to hang your stress on the bushes by the back door before you walk in the house you will realize when you go to pick them up the next morning before you leave you will sometimes forget what you were so stressed about the night before. Sounds kind of strange but if you make it a daily practice it really does work.
Life is so short and if you allow your job to control you will miss out on the important things in life. Find what it is that makes him relax wether it is hunting, fishing, golf, etc. and encourage him to take an unwind day. Men are strange creatures and it seems that after a day of their favorite hobby they are much more relaxed and rejunivated. If your husband is like my ex he worries about things that he does not want you to now about such as finances, kids, being a good dad, and many other things. He never wanted me to know about these worries because he thought it made him weak. I feel it made him normal.
Anyway good luck, do not lose who you are and just keep trying to find ways to lighten him up. Just uncontrollable laughter is sometimes the best medicine.
