How Do I Explain Not Being "Old Enough"?

My girls are less than two years apart. The younger one is taller than the older one, she's only one grade below instead of two, she's fully capable of doing everything her older sister can. But sometimes, the rules say she's not allowed. So too bad, them's the rules. Life isn't always fair and this is a good lesson to learn. It's also not really fair to the older one to have NO "older sibling" privileges and have to do EVEYTHING his little brother does. They're NOT the same age and should be treated as such.

Show him the printed info where it says that you have to be five. Explain that next summer, he'll be able to do the same things. Tell him that, even though they get to do lots of things together, there will always be some things that they do separately, either because of their age, or having different friends (like when one gets invited to a birthday party and the other doesn't).

And, if he does melt down, that's ok too. He'll get over it and he'll understand it eventually.

You say "Joe is 5, so he goes to xyz. when you are 5, you will go to xyz".

I know you are worried about your younger son, but you can't hold your older son back from doing things because he has a younger brother, as some have suggested. That will cause all kinds of resentment.

If you are worried about your younger son's reaction, he may react more. Tell him matter of fact and don't let him melt down. Just like when you tell him he can't have a cookie, or whatever he wants that he can't have.

You can't treat your children exactly the same. They aren't exactly the same child. So, if you treat them exactly the same you aren't being fair to them.

Sorry mama, you may have to deal with some tears. I would simply explain that he is not old enough to attend the camp. And I would plan something special for him to do while his older brother is away. It will serve as a distraction and make him feel important too. Simply taking him to the park or setting up a play date may take some of the sting out of it for him.

As tough as it may be, the time apart will be good for them. It will help make the transition of your son leaving for kindergarten easier too.

Not old enough is simply not old enough. The rules say you have to be a certain age. He can go next year.
Tears and disappointment are an unpleasant and unavoidable part of life. While it breaks our hearts to see our littluns cry over being told No, it never killed anyone. He will cry and he will get over it.

This is only the beginning. And it's best if you start the dialogue now.

My boys are 18 months apart. They are the best of friends 95% of the time.

You just have to explain that he is 4 and his brother is 5. There are some things that they both won't be able to do until they are older.

A couple of ways we helped this understanding (along with different grades in school, and the age requirements in activities): We started giving an allowance to help with fiscal responsibility and giving. 50 cents per year of age, per week. So a 4 year old would get $2 and a 5 year old would get $2.50 per week. Raises occur on birthdays. That's a helpful way to cement an understanding in the age difference. Also, my boys have different bedtimes. My older child gets to stay up 1/2 hour later because he is older.

I know that some parents try very hard to ensure that their kids are treated exactly the same way....but I simply don't think that is realistic. So it's best to make it known and get them comfortable with the idea as soon as possible.

Best of luck!
C. Lee

ETA: I also agree with the poster who said don't try to make up for your 4yo feeling like it's "not fair." It's perfectly fair and there's nothing to make up for. He'll be old enough soon. Don't try to do anything special and don't make a big deal of it. Empathize with him, but don't fall into any drama.

You just tell him. When it comes time for your son to go to Kindergarten, your younger son won't be able to attend.

My favorite brother is 5 years younger than me. (I'm not their mom, I get to play favorites;). We were attached at the hip. My mum heard waaaaaaaay more "But R. gets to!" & "But Connor gets to!" From the 2 of us than she did from even the two less than a year apart (who had a lot more just over/just under dates).

Its kid-logic.

Meaning... I like Joe. Therefore I like what joe likes. Therefore I'll get mad at Joe for having something I don't. Because I like Joe!

Yeah.

There's no reasoning with kid logic.

There's just flat-out/ no wishy washy/ emotionally chill "That's the way it is."

Until it becomes, just the way it is.

Because the bigger deal you make of it, the bigger deal it will become.

Nonchalance = Parenting Nuke.

"He's 5. When you're 5 you can, too. How old are you. Yep! So in 1 year. Would you like a biscuit or a Sammie for lunch?"

__________

Alert readers may notice I change my brother's "name" every post. For the very good reason that I'm making it up to protect the innocent until proven guilty. ;)

Tell him you have to be 5 to go. Bottom line. When he is 5, he can go :)

The same way they put it in print...must be 5 years old to attend.

It all balances out. Four years ago, you spent quality time with the now 5 year old, that you will now spend with the 3 and a half year old while the older son goes to camp.

He will be okay...he should probably hear the word no a time or two in his life.

Its the rules of the camp.
You do not make the rules... the camp... makes the rules.

Or, that they BOTH are different individuals and ages. Hence, there are different rules. They are not the same age.
They are over 1 year apart.

I know 2 boys like that at my kids' school.
They are only 1 year apart. They just know, that they are not the same age hence there are different things they can or cannot do.
But they are, very close.
The parents just explain to them.
There are simply some things they can do the same and together, and there is simply some things that they cannot do the same or together. Especially per school or activities.
There are age cut offs and always will be.
They just have to learn that and be told.

My kids are 21 months apart. I'm just matter of fact about it. For example, my older son went to summer camp at 7 (the minimum age) and the younger was 5. I just said, "You can go when you're 7. That is the rule." and when he was 7, he got to go.

Same with school. "Sorry, you can't go to 4k until you're 4. You'll get your turn."

Your son might be bummed, and that is okay. As long as you don't make a big emotional deal out of it he will take your cue. Don't try to make up for 'unfairness' that doesn't exist because that will create more drama.

you can go when you're five.

he'll be okay. if they haven't figured it out, it's something they will need to learn. they don't always get the same things. you can be as gentle as you want, but this is just like any other "no". the answer is still "no". don't beat yourself up, it's life.

to be honest it's good for them to get different things. if it eases your guilt, let little one get to do something fun during the time that big brother is away. tell him it's just for 4 year olds. but honestly, it's life. he'll be fine.

I show them where it says must be ______ age or older. Then we flip through it and find something for them that says age ____or over. I explain that everyone eventually gets a turn doing these things and its his brothers turn this time but it will be his turn. It works out eventually~

You make certain that you are doing very special things with the younger one. And you explain it that way. "Your brother is going to go to camp, but we are going to drop him off and then we are going to do XXX!!" You don't have to do something special every single day, but you need to the first few times until he settles in with the idea.

Just very matter of fact say you have to be 5 and leave it at that.

You be honest with them both. My boys are also less than two years apart and they both want to play basketball...well, you have to be in 1st grade to play. So my older son has played for two years and the younger one won't get to play until next year. It is what it is.

Find special things for the younger son to do. My 4 year old will be going to his own camps and activities just like last summer. We usually find things through the park district and the YMCA. We like to have scheduled things to do 3 or 4 days each week and try to go to the park once or twice a week.

I think if it were me I would wait a year and let them begin attending together, if they are truly that attached. However, it might be good preparation to let the older one go...he will be starting school in the fall, right, and the little guy won't!

To soften the blow, you can have some special events for you and the little one to do while brother is away, and you can begin to prepare him for what the routine will be like at home with you instead of with brother throughout the day.

Simply tell him he is not old enough. Let him know he can go next year. Also you can play up the fun things the two of you get to do together while his brother is at camp. He gets special mommy time.