How Do I Cope & What Do I Say to the Family After Their Loss?

having lost a few babies of my own & having a friend that just lost her baby girl July 7 then I can say that no, its not bad to share photos you've taken, no its never bad to talk of the baby, he is & was a live human with so many others humans that love him in life & continue to love him in death. talking of him keeps the memories alive in the hearts of all that love him.

this is a poem that my friend found and I think its appropriate here also...

What everyone should know

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please
understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm 'over it' or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no 'normal' way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be 'over and done with' in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be 'over' this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ''normal' you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we
have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say 'next time things will be okay'. The truth is how do you know?
What will you say if it happens to me again?

Absolutlely tragic! Please give them the pictures, anything from this precious life will be appreciated. My friends 2 year old was hit by a car and a year later I found some old photos I took of him, I was afraid to give them to her but I was so glad she did! She poured over the pictures and videos she had and a fresh remembrance was worth more than gold to her. It's ok to talk about it and grieve. Be sensitive to their other children-kids want to talk about things and pretending nothing happened makes it harder for them to cope. Prayers work wonders. Good luck and I am so sorry for your loss.

i have buried 2 children and unless you have done so, do NOT say you know how you feel! YES by all means, give them current pics and put them in an envelope. let them know what they are so when they are ready, they can look at them. it is ok to cry for him and tell the parents you loved him too. there isn't anything you can say or do that will ease the pain. just let them know you are there for them to cry on. you may not understant their pain but they can call you anytime. God be with you and the parents!

Thank God I've never personally had to deal with the loss of a child. I think it's one of the most painful experiences possible. If it were me, I'd be thrilled to receive more photos.

As far as knowing what to say, there aren't any magic words to make the pain go away. Tell them how sorry you are for their loss, then talk about your best memories of the child. It will comfort them to know how much he was loved and appreciated and enjoyed by others.

M.,

The parents will treasure thos pitures, though they may not be ready to face them right now. Seal them in an envelope before you give them to them so that when they are ready they can open them. Maybe you would want to make a copy of them for yourself to help you grieve. That beautiful baby will be in your heart forever, you too may want a picture to remember him by.

I think the best thing you can do is just to be there for the family and the other two children. With the parents permission, you could go over to help with the children even when the parents are home just to keep them entertained...keep in mind they may have tough questions that you might want to discuss with the parents how they want them anwsered.

you could find a great resource at your school - do they have a grief counselor? That may helpyou and help you with the family too.

My prayers are with you and the family.

A.