How Am I Needed or What Is My Purpose Anymore?

I think they probably feel safe going to dad for stuff right now because they know that you are always their for them. They both feel that they can get to know their dad (Maybe because he works outside the home) and when they are ready to be with you will they come back again. And just know the moment you get a full-time or part-time job they will be wondering why you are not home.
It's fine to get a job if that is what you want to do while the kids are in school, but if you can get one that will work around their schdule. I work outside the home and I find it so difficult to work, keep up with school events and home work and run a household.

Are you feeling let down because your children are growing up?

That's nothing unusual. Sometimes we mamas forget that part of our job description, in the long run, is to put ourselves out of a job. If we do what we need to do, our children become so confident and independent that they can take responsibility for their own lives (and for the lives of others), make wise decisions, and go out on their own. And then we mothers have "empty nest syndrome" if we haven't planned ahead.

However, your nest isn't empty. Your children aren't grown up in the least! They're just older than they were. They're starting to appreciate their daddy, and you're right in knowing that it's a good thing. Remember when, as babies, they clung to you like velcro (at least, many babies do this for a while) and Daddy didn't count for much at all? Now you're seeing his side of the picture - for a little while.

Your purpose is the same as it ever was: to "make your home," take care of your family, and keep raising the children. You don't want to make too long a stop for self-pity. (In fact, if this keeps up you might want to get a physical checkup.) I think you already know - but have forgotten for the moment - that your value as a human being does not come from being on center stage of your children's "theater" every minute. Let Dad be on center stage while he can. Pretty soon your children will get even older and their friends will be center stage. Then they'll be teenagers and you'll wonder where the stage went (or when you can get on it to head out of town - sorry, couldn't resist that one).

I hope you can get outside with your family today and take some pictures of your children playing and having fun with your husband. Remember, you and your husband are a team. Seems to me that, as a team, you're winners.

You haven't been truly beat up until you've been hated by teenage girls! That was MY life. (Thankfully that changes. My older daughter is back to loving me, but I'm still in the middle of younger daughter's disdain for me. It will end, so I will hang on.)

Your boys are just going through normal stages and you need to be a little tougher and know they'll be back to you down the road. Right now Dad is cool. But you're cool too. They know that. And I'm sure they love you dearly for being a great mom. While they might not remember you playing with them when they were little, it is in their head and helped form them into who they are today.

Don't feel bad! Give them time with their dad and be very thankful they have a great dad to love! And they have a great mom to love too!

It will get easier .... then harder.... then easier. Kids are a roller coaster ride for our emotions. You need to remember what you've done for them and know that when they are in their 20s and above, they will love you so much for it. Just for right now though, Dad is cool. But that's ok. Soon you'll be cool again I promise. Hang in there.

I agree, you sound like a great mom. And the point of really truly good parenting is to make ourselves obsolete. Which kind of stinks, but it's the truth. Really good parents have kids who don't _need_ them but rather _want_ them. And this starts early.

So I guess I would just say that you are more than entitled to your feelings, but know that they mean you've been doing a great job raising strong, independent, capable children. Children who will need you in a variety of different capacities for many many more years.

As for going back to work, I wouldn't do it to spite your children. BUT if you feel like at this point it would be a fulfilling change, know that you have raised children competent enough to handle it.

Good luck.

Be happy that your sons have such a wonderful relationship with their dad - it seems like half the posts on here are from mom's whose children don't have a dad involved in their lives, or whose fathers are just horrible people and SHOULDN'T be involved in their lives. Sounds like their dad is a great role model for them.

Do not take it personally. See if there is something that all of you can participate in so you don't feel left out. Maybe talk to your husband about his and how you are feeling. Take them out and do something fun with them just with you (movies, bowling, etc.) Volunteer at their school, or sign them up for Cub Scouts and be a den mother.

Some of what I am reading here is that your entire identity is wrapped up in being a mom to your kids - what did you do or what did you enjoy before you became a mom? Have you thought about what you would like to do once they are older (i.e. middle school/teenagers)?

Do not, for one second, think that they no longer need you or somehow your job is done. They are still really young, just not so dependent right now. They will need you, to some degree, all their lives. They may not remember things as toddlers as well as they will remember things now, but that does not mean it had no impact on them or served no purpose. They are the way they are because of how you have raised them up to this point. My DD is 3 and while she may not remember us taking her to the zoo or the beach or Disney World or reading bedtime stories to her at this age, that doesn't mean we don't do it anyway.

Like some others have said, once they do grow up and are totally on their own, that just means you've done your job.

If you feel like you need to go back to work because you think it might be more fulfilling, discuss that with hubby. But don't go back because you think you are not needed at home. Or think about doing volunteer work that, again, your kids can be a part of with you.

Find a way to enjoy the time that you have to yourself, knowing the kids are happy and having fun with Dad. So many of us don't get enough of that.

My Mom says "The job of a parent is to slowly put yourself out of a job.".
You start with helpless infants and if you do your job right, you end up with independent adults who are capable of raising their own kids. There are so many steps in between. Yours are not grown up yet by a long shot and they need you but it's different now that they are older.
When my son was born I was excited but I had no idea the amount of work it really took to look after a newborn. It was almost scary to be needed that much. Gradually I got use to it and then he got old enough where separation anxiety started up and I couldn't believe it when he cried like his heart was breaking even if I left the room for a few minutes to use the bathroom. He stayed fairly clingy up through 3 1/2 and then he started appreciating some of Dad's differences. He liked looking at firetrucks with Dad and helping him with carrying tools. Dad felt like chopped liver for quite a long while and now he was finally getting some attention.
As your children get older, they'll switch back and forth between you and Dad as to who is their favorite, but they'll always love you both. It's very normal, and it means you are doing a really great job! There's no point in being angry over all your good work!
Now is the time to start up a small hobby and start having a little 'me time' for the first time since you became a Mom. Remember who you were before you became 'Mommy'? Well she's still inside you somewhere and you should dust her off and air her out a bit. You'll feel a lot better!

I applaud DVMMOM's response. I feel where you are at! My older boy is will be 6 next week - he lives and breathes anything to do with his Dad right now. I do remember a time when his Dad was most upset and hurt that J didn't go to him for things, and I was beside myself because even though Dad was right next to him, he would come to me in another room, to do something for him that his Dad could have done! I couldn't wait for the day when he'd want to spend time with his Dad who travels every week. The other day I went out alone in the early evening - to be truthful, I felt like something was missing (namely my favourite constant accessory up until now), and I felt "lonely" without my "crutch, and constant companion" (silly I know, when so often you crave serenity as a Mum!) Now we both spend time with the boys - just doing different activities and talking about different things. They talk about subjects I don't know as much about, and vice versa. Your feelings are natural, but try to push them aside and enjoy your boys. Spend time with each alone by doing something special together once in a while - and relish your "dates" with your sons. I'm sure in reality you know the truth - they can't do without you, and love you a bunch - all three of them!!

OK, breath. First of all, we don't give to receive, right? You didn't do all that in their toddler years because you would be rewarded later (which you will) but because it's the right thing to do when you bring children into the world and they need it. We all did it.
This is only a phase with dad, they'll be bobbing back and forth between you guys forever. You both have your roles, and these days, you are very lucky to have sons with a good bond with dad.
Unless they are being mean and disrespectful to you, you really do have to be gracious and not try to pull a pity party (not saying you are), but if you have the attitude, "No one likes me , so what's my purpose, I'll just leave" you'll start to seem like a martyr mom, and the they'll get to know you that way. You have a really long list of super negative feelings you are feeling, and maybe it's already showing if they are THAT much ignoring you and only liking dad.
I know it's hard to act differently than you feel, but you gotta fake it to make it. Just act as if everything is as you want it, you love yourself and everybody loves you. Just be happy and awesome and maybe you should get back to work if it will make you feel better! Hang in there.

Congratulations! Good job! If your sons are confident enough in themselves to be able to go forward in their world, you've done the best job ever! I'm so sorry if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.

A couple of suggestions:
- Look at this as time to catch your breath, because they'll be back and soon every sentence will begin with "Mom, could you..." And you may find yourself looking wistfully back on this time. Kids grow in fits and starts -- and this is just one of those times.

- Talk with your husband. It's terrific that your sons so idolize they're dad. And it's a great example that you've set for your boys that you love your husband so much. Remember, though, that kids learn how to treat their mom by watching their dad. If Dad says, "Hey, let's see what Mom thinks about ....." it matters. If Dad includes you, shows his love and admiration of you and is excited about doing things as a family, the boys will not only include you but also be better partners for *their* wives some day. It's important for each parent to have a special, individual relationship with each child and it's also important for children to see parents as a loving team that includes them

- Is now a time for you to maybe find something for yourself? Maybe a little project of your own or bit of time away from the house & kids might help you define the next step in your life. I agree with the poster who said the best thing a mom can do is put herself out of a job -- but that doesn't mean you're done being valuable and contributing to our world! We all live for our families to some degree -- but it's important to live for ourselves and others as well.

I'm sorry you're feeling a little lost -- and, I don't know about you but for me this time of year so totally contributes to sad feelings. Hug to you.

You sound like a fantastic, loving mom, your boys are so lucky. and how wonderful they have a great relationship with Dad! Dont worry, they may be going thru a Daddy phase right now but when they are sick or hurt or have a nightmare - who knows? Boys identify with their fathers but deep down they LOVE their mothers! Sounds like now would be a great time for you to do something for you or even better to find some volunteer work in the community. The world needs caring, smart people like you!

Different children remember different things. I lost my mother at
11 years of age, (almost 50 years ago) and there is very little I remember about her. I think it is very sad. I think you are going through some growing pains and they will be back and forth from parent to parent. It is beautiful that they have two parents to access instead of one. Try to celebrate their
great relationship with their father. The same-sex parent has more
influence than anyone, says Dr. Phil. Also, keeping a journal and a
scrapbook is very helpful to help remind them of things YOU wish for
them to remember.
As an adult, I compiled this list of things I wish I could remember. Very
few of these do I have answers for, and likely never will. Hoping this might
help with suggestions for journalling. It should be a little satisfying that
your precious moments will not go unremembered.
THINGS I WISH I COULD REMEMBER ABOUT MY MOTHER

Nicknames she had for me
Nicknames I had for her
Gifts I gave her
Gifts she gave me
I made her happy when I ...
She always volunteered to../for...
Things I want to keep that remind me of her (clothing, jewelrey, photos, her bible, her favorite book)
I can honor my mother's memory by ...
Things she told me she wanted for my future
Her favorite chair
Her favorite spot in the house
Books, magazines she read
Morning person or a night person
Could she play a musical instrument
Did she like to dance
Favorite songs she'd sing to me
Political figure she liked
A favorite moment in our lives together
She made me laugh when ...
Things I wish I would have asked her that someone else
may be able to tell me.
She always cheered me on when I ...
Things she might say to me right now
Things she would want me to remember
My favorite thing she would cook for me
Some neat or funny things she use to do
The really special things about my mom:
Causes she felt stronly about
Ways in which we were alike
I hope to be more like her by...
Our family vacations we took
Things she seemed to enjoy as in :
Feeding or watching the birds/ducks
Bicycling
Fishing
Waterskiing
Sewing/knitting
Picnics
Making out cloud formations
Planting Flowers
Taking walks
Talking on the phone
My mother's favorite:
color
recipe
flower
perfume
aroma
restaurant
sport
food
snack
people
movie
movie star
TV shows
music
band/artist
jewelry
expressions she'd always say
joke
vacation spot
things she liked to collect
political party
church/minister
book
picture of me
picture of her

I started working when my youngest went to 1st grade because I enjoy working, we needed the money, and it was a way for me to get appreciation as well as social interaction. I was able to find a part time contract in my field, but would have been happy to just volunteer at the library or work at CVS just to get some money and do something. Your kids are still a bit young since there is not much time in school for a 5 year old. Perhaps volunteer in your town for something, town hall should have info. They are becoming little men and it is no wonder they look to a male to feed their image of what they want to become. But they are still little boys and if you went away they would miss you terribly. Perhaps go away for a few days to your mom's or a yoga retreat or a spa and see how they act when you get back! These are phases, I have a 10 and 13 year old and there are days when they no longer want hugs or kisses and other days where they initiate a hug themselves. Don't get so down on yourself, but find something to do with your time, there are so many needs out there I am sure there will be multiple groups who would love your time and effort. And your boys will love you better when you love yourself and are happy. Good luck.

Honestly, as I am reading your post, it sounds like you may be struggling with depression. Have you seen your doctor? I don't mean to sound judgemental or harsh... you just sound very sad and it might be something you want to talk to someone about.

To answer your question... what is your purpose... your #1 job is to help your boys be the absolute BEST that they can be. I think you probably know this already, but your job as a mother is NOT to be in the limelight all the time. As a mother of boys, you simply are not going to be able to do the same types of things that their dad will do. That's nothing unusual. If you have to take the back seat on some things so that they can become confident, independent, and responsible young men, then so be it. As you can see from so many of the posts to this site, there are many mothers and children out there that don't have a Dad around. Be grateful your boys have their Dad.

I think it is easy for us mom's to lose our "old" identity in motherhood. We get so wrapped up in raising our kids, that we forget who we are. I think it is something we all struggle with to some extent. What did you do before your kids were born? What did you enjoy? Take some time and do something for yourself; something that makes you feel good. And then go do something as a family... something you can all enjoy together.

sounds like you have a depression and I would advise starting work again even if its just part time. like lunches at a resturant. wouldnt interfere withyour kids scheduale.mine prefers his brother right now over me and daddy. its not that you are leftovers just they have had a temporary preferance switch and it will switch back just cant say when. trust me the bond with you is already in place now they are bonding with dad and you will become important again under 5 they dont remeber much anyway. you never know what is going to be in thier memory and what isnt. things I though my 21 yr old would remeber he doesnt and sometimes that is good he doesnt remeber what an a** his daddy was.

I think you could definitely benefit by having something of your own. You can still be a SAHM and have things you do on your own, like a pt job or go back to school.

I just got my certification as a birth doula, and am studying to be a midwife. As a birth doula I am still at home with my girls every day but have my own special projects too.

We ARE making a difference in our children's lives. Never doubt that. But sometimes mom needs something of her own to feel like she has purpose.

What makes you think they won't remember any of the hard work you've put in? It sounds to me like your pity party is over not feeling acknowledged or appreciated. Go volunteer to hold babies in a hospital or spend time with toddlers in a mothers day out program. Kids shouldn't be responsible for filling your emotional void, that's too much of a burden to them or any adult for that matter. The happier you are, the more your boys will notice and want to be around you (AND dad). Good luck.

S

I feel so bad for you! I know this is just a part of life though. I've been reading a book called Raising Happy Boys (by Steve Biddulph). Here's the first paragraph of the "From 6-13 yrs" chapter. ...."At around 6, a big change takes place in boys. There seems to be a sudden switching on of boys' masculinity at this age. Even boys who have not watched much TV suddenly want to play with swords, wear capes, fight and wrestle, and makes lots of noise. Something else happens that is really impt: it's been observed in all societies around the world. At around 6 yrs of age, little boys seem to "lock on" to their dad, or whichever male is around, and want to be with him, learn from him and copy him. They want to study how to be a male." It's a great book! You should read it. This is probably what is happening to you here, and it's crumby for the mom. I truly believe no one can love their child like a mother does. As much love as a father has for his child, I really just don't believe it's the same as what a mother feels. So, it hurts because you have given them your everything for years and sacrificed so much. Just know that this is exactly what your boys need during this stage of development. However, make sure you demand some mother and son time. Don't demand it verbally with them, just make it happen. They will still need their mom to talk to. Some day, they are going to need your perspective when it comes to girls, for example. Or cooking, or whatever it is about you that they admire. Try to continue to spend time doing things with them you would like to instill. For my 6 year old, it's teaching him how to cook. We bake a lot together. I'm also the one who provides most of the major affection around here but other than that, it's all dad for the fun stuff. I do think that finding a job or volunteering is a great idea. You might consider finding something (aside from your children) that makes you feel fulfilled in your life. I forget what I was watching but this topic came up recently. The suggestion was to prepare yourself very early for the day that you are an empty-nester. Dr. Oz, maybe? Don't wait until your children have left for college or it could cause you some major heartache. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I am already dreading the day mine no longer need me! :(

As a SAHM, it sounds like you need to read the book, "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms." As they grow up, trust me, they will honor you for the sacrifice of staying home with them, even if they don't remember the actual activities. You can share those with them like, "Oh, I remember how you used to love it when I ..." They will love hearing those stories.

Right now you need to tell your husband how proud you are of him and what a good dad he is. Ask your boys to tell you about what they did that day with Daddy. They still need you to be there to cheer them on and listen to what makes them happy. And take pride in providing the things for them that keep them warm and healthy (clean clothing and home, food, etc.). And keep hugging them if if they start to pull away. They will always love those hugs, even if they are "stolen."

Well it is time to find a hobby for you. Don't fell rejected and useless. Take this time to improve yourself. As other posters have written why doesn't baby like daddy? Now it is his time and you know how dad felt.

It will be all right. Just change your priorities a little bit. If need be go back to school.

The best to you.

The other S.

PS We all go throught this at some point in rearing children.

What kinds of things are they doing with their dad and how can you become involved in these things so you don't feel so left out? I did not have boys, so I don't know from personal experience how moms of boys keep strong relationships going with their sons but what I have observed with two friends that have all boys is that my friends have developed great interests in sports (they are the moms with the ice chest of snacks at the soccer games, the moms helping the boys make signs and paint faces to go to games) and boy-type events like fishing trips, camping. Whew, good thing I didn't have boys, I hate camping but I could probably get interested in campsite cooking. Plan things with hubby that involve all of you and step into their world. Also, try not to take it personal if they rush to dad when he comes from work - I think its natural to miss the parent that was gone all day. There will be lots of other things that they turn to mom for in the years to come, they will have hurts and troubles that need nuture and compassion, they will certainly need advice on girls at some point, your job is far from done! Hang in there!