Holiday Dilema with Family

Could it be, since you aren't married yet, she has not accepted you as part of the family and him as part of yours. Maybe, as far as she is concerned, you are playing house and you are just a girlfriend. Although, who knows if that will change once you are married. If you truly believe this is the one, then the two of you need to stick to your guns and go forward with your plans. If you give in this time, and more importantly, if your BF gives in this time, you will be setting a precedent that she can manipulate a situation to her acceptance. Either you are a team or not..

Good luck! MIL's are tough customers. As a future MIL (one day, no time soon) I have vowed not to rock the boat b/c I want my kids to WANT to come home. My g-parents always had their holidays on other days than the actual holiday so everyone could be together. The actual date was not important to them, all of us being together was. That was a valuable lesson I learned from them and I intend to carry that on...

Yep, I'm with Laurie, red light and she is already a handful. You need to hold your ground and not let her take over. She will try regardless. She'll just have to share, like everyone else, whether she likes it or not. And no, you don't go separate ways on the holidays, you are a couple, and she's going to have to learn to live with it.

I can understand why it frustrates you so much. She's so uncompromising! Your aunt and uncle's separation isn't exactly something you planned - she needs to be more flexible for the sake of you and your family as well. She needs to understand that that's what happens when your kids get older. They can't be around for every single holiday and get-together. If I were you (even if your boyfriend can't compromise), I would go with your plans. You're not being greedy - his mother is!

Sounds like your b/f has a lot of growing up to do and his mom will be "one of THOSE mother in laws".
You arent married yet, and this is a bright red flag.

I would say that his choice of mommy's happiness over yours is going to set a pattern for the rest of your lives. If you can not stick to yor agreement that was initially made then what other agreements can be tweaked and abandoned at mommy's whim?
How a man treats and relates to his mother is a good indication of your life together.

Start a new tradition - Disney World or a Caribbean Cruise for the holidays (one of them can be a honeymoon).
If neither family will be happy no matter what you do, then don't try - just make yourselves happy. Once kids come along - stay at your own home and people can visit you.

No, you are not greede at all. You are absolutely 100% correct and it's good you're addressing this issue BEFORE wedding and kids. Stand your ground on this one. If you give in now, it will set a pattern for all holidays to come: MIL pouts, her son gives in, you end up doing what she wants. Trust me when I say this, it's from personal experience. Don't give in!

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. His mom is being completely unfair and unreasonable. You are correct your boyfriend and you are making a life together, she needs to see that. Some moms can be very selfish ( my mom hates that I get along so well with all my in-laws) Unfortunately I don't know if there is anything you can do to help the situation. His mom is going to be the way she is and only she can make up her mind to play nice. Your boyfriend needs to stay strong and stand up to his mom. He needs to show his mom that you are the first lady in his life now and show a united front with you. If he doesn't do it now it can only get worse after you are married ( what will she be like with grandkids) He needs to remind that they are invited x-mas eve, you both with be there x-mas day and that the two of you are making a life together. Keep talking to your boyfriend and gently remind him you both came up with a plan and how much it means to you that you get to spend holidays together. I find when having these discussion make sure you approach him on the side of your feelings ( appeal to his ego even) verses attacking his family. Some people have a harder time breaking with the birth family to form their own family unit. Restate how his family is welcomed to come even mention how special is that that you could have your first X-mas eve in your house. Good luck.

Your boyfriend and his mother needs to cut the apron strings....I have had a similiar problem so I understand! Even though you are not married, getting a place of your own implies a certain amount of committment and therefore you should share your holidays together (wherever you choose). Before we all grew up, we went w/ our parents and did what they had us do. Now that we are adults, our parents have to expect a certain adjustment. You can't possibly do what both of you have always done let alone add your own traditions. The merging of two families (whether official or not) requires compromise and adjustments.

Both my family and my inlaws always celebrated on Christmas Eve so that is a crazy hectic day for us. My inlaws used to have dinner at the grandparents (with the WHOLE family), then did Christmas morning at home, and then went back to the grandparents for the rest of the day. After grandmom passed away, the girls (my MIL and her sisters) took turns hosting dinner for everyone, then it moved to another days just before Christmas but my MIL still wanted us over for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning too....and the day after because it is my FIL's birthday. Doing so would mean nothing but non-stop running for us.

I already had a son when I started dating my now husband and I wanted to keep my son home on Christmas Day so if his dad didn't get him, he got to stay home all day and enjoy the holiday (something I never got to do as a child because I had to leave on Christmas Day for a whole week, every year and hated it!).

I told my husband that I would run every other holiday but Christmas Day is mine to enjoy at home...that is what we do. We attend (sometimes host) the big family get together, we visit both sides of the family on Christmas Eve (sometimes we arrange for some of them to come to us) and then we stay home on Christmas Day. Anyone who didn't get enough of us the night before is more than welcome to come visit.

Since your boyfriends mom gets Christmas Day EVERY year she should be more than willing to budge on Christmas Eve. I personally think you should look ahead to when you have children and either start implementing what you would want then or at least reach an understanding that you will do "xyz" now but once you have kids you want to do "abc". Otherwise it will become.."well you have always done this why are you changing it now". I also think you boyfriends desire to separate for the holidays show a lack of commitment and you should probaly discuss that with him.

I think you have done what needs to be done. Tell her nicely what you are doing and invite her to come. Your BF should let her know that she does not have to agree with your decisions but she needs to respect them. Not doing so will cause more propblems than they are worth. My husband and I do what is best for US and our family. Everyone else does it. so why can't we???

No, you are not being greedy. You came up with a plan to host both families and MIL is having issues. It is obvious that you two are planning to be a unit or you would not have bought a house together. Stick to your plans. If MIL is upset so be it. She is going to have to learn to let go or she will be the one who will lose in the end.

I sometiems feel left out of the loop with my son and his plans. But he is a married man now. Last year I asked what he had planned for the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) and he had a list of things he was doing with the wife's family. I told point blank when he had time to pencil me in and I would see if I had time in my schedule. I know it may have sounded a bit harsh but I was just trying to plan what I would be doing with him or going to San Antonio to his sister's. We ended up going to San Antonio and had a great time. This year who knows. We may just stay home and enjoy the quiet time alone as two old fuddie duddies.

Life changes and people move on. His mom hasn't done that. Oh I haven't demanded that they be here or anything like that. If and when the economy changes and we aren't too old we may move near by but not next door. The only reason is that I miss not being with my grandson who is half grown.

The other S.

You and your boyfriend need to decide how you will do this and stick to it. Your going separate ways is crazy. It will make his mother happy and no one else. I think his mother is having a hard time dealing with her son's growing up. Holidays are important to her and she will be sad if her son is not there, but she has to learn to let go. My kids are 10, 14, 17, & 19. I am dreading having to face this issue. I hope I can do it with grace, but I will miss them terribly. I fear I won't handle it well. Best of luck!

You and your BF are building a life together. You have to decide what is best for your new family, and everyone else will just have to accept it. She is pushing now because she thinks by throwing a fit she can get her way, but if you hold firm hopefully she will realize what is fair and back off. Just be sure you and BF show a strong united front.

Oh my goodness, his mom is being way possessive and totally unreasonable! She is afraid of losing her boy to you... BUT isn't that what we are supposed to do as parents, let our children grow up and make their own lives? I say, go with your plan of splitting holidays, and stick together where you go. Let her be mad, but don't let it get to you. Arrive at her house on Thanksgiving and Christmas with a smile and a thank you so much for having us attitude! Make sure she knows the invitation is still open to come to your house on Xmas eve, and leave it at that. Enjoy your time with her, and enjoy your time TOGETHER - yes, you should spend the holidays together with your future husband! He should not allow his mother to manipulate him like this, if he does you might want to have a big sit down about what your future holds with a man whose alliance is to his mommy instead of his wife!

I think it's horrible when parents impose this guilt on their kids! And, I agree-big red light if your B/F isn't going to stand up to mommy. Seems like you two have accommodated her "attitude" a great deal alread and all you're really seeking is every other Christmas eve with your fam (plus every other Thanksgiving.
I may be speaking out of turn but I would NEVER buy a house with anyone who is not my spouse and before he was a spouse, we'd have worked through at least part of these kinds of issues!
The issues with a demanding MIL like that never end. It will never be enough, even if it's a fair split.
And it's tough when the rest of the family already has their own little "working" plans in place. All you can do is all you can do. If you can get to both places, then ignore the "hurt" feeling and do what you can. That's what we do. But you will get sick of spending your holidays in the car if the families are more that an hour or so apart.

I would tell soon to be hubby that Holidays are now shared. If MIL gets up set, oh well. Time for bf to tell mom that you will not be separated and that your family is very important on Holidays also. I would tell bf to tell mom that if she is going to be real upset that he will just not come over at all.
My husbands family was livid the first year he was with me. They thought he should be with family not a gf. So we made a deal that I would host Thanksgiving dinner for my family, on Christmas was with his. Works great. Because my now husband stood behind me.

His mother needs to grow up. You guys are bending over backwards to accommodate everyone. You guys are adults.It is totally unreasonable for her to expect you to de apart from each other for any holiday. Do what you want and if she doesn't get over it well then too bad. I know you are just trying to make everyone happy but it is usually impossible. I think your offer to host Christmas Eve is very sensible. Have a wonderful holiday season.

his mom is being unreasonable. Sure, I wish we could spend every christmas eve at my grandma's, but that's not fair to my MIL, so we switch off the same way, if we spend thanksgiving with my family, his family gets christmas eve.

1. Your MIL is being controlling.
2. Your bf is being weak & undermining your relationship.

Your bf NEEDS to talk to HIS mother about problems, like you talk to yours. I don't know any women that send their husbands to tell their mom they can't do something. Yet men expect their wives to talk to their MIL! This creates a bad relationship with the MIL. If you look at this from the MIL's perspective,,,gf arrives at house & tells MIL that she & son will not be spending holiday with them. Son stands in corner & doesn't say a word. Mom assumes gf is forcing son into this & he doesn't really want to do it. In her mind if he really wanted to do this, he would have had a private conversation with her & told her himself. Now mom thinks gf is controlling & doesn't like her. She offers her son a way out be demanding he spend holidays with her.
Your bf is the only one who can fix this. He needs to have a private, one on one conversation with his mother about the importance of his relationship with you. He NEEDS to tell her he will marry you. He needs to explain that you will be around forever & she needs to accept that. He needs to let her know that her current demanding behavour is unfair to him & if she forces him to make a choice, he will choose you. He needs to tell her he wants a relationship with his mom & his wife. And that he would like for his mom to get along with his wife as well. (As matriarch of the family it is her job to welcome you & make you feel comfortable, like you would for any guest to your home. It is not your job to fit in.)
If your bf is unable or unwilling to do any of this, then you need to reconsider marrying him. This issue will manifest itself in a million ways in your marriage. If it is not dealt with now.

Looks like you have plenty of answers, but i will give my two cents too....you are not being greedy. You have come up with a very fair plan and it is wrong of them to do this. I know because my family is from Pennsylvania and my husband's is from texas. We decided every other year we would switch for Christmas and not once has anybody in our family said anything about it other than they miss not having us. They are disappointed when we are at the other family's, but do not ever try to make us feel guilty. Not even my parents who are not all that fond of my husband. My advice is to not waver. Stay strong and tell them this is how it is. I would suggest though that your boyfriend tell them. It might help out to show that you are united and you are not forcing their baby boy away. (not that you are doing that, just that they may think that). good luck and ignore any comments from them and don't let it affect your holiday.

Your relationship with your boyfriend is what you need to focus on. You are already committed to one another so you need to continue on that path. I never want to upset my mother either but I don't live with her, I live with my husband and sometimes I cannot accommodate what she wants. She is typically disappointed but we work it out. DO NOT let his mother railroad you now or she will do it for the rest of your lives together.

Now here is the tough part - your boyfriend. He has got to take his relationship with you seriously! Does he want to marry his mom or you? I can empathize that he does not want to upset her, but she did her job in raising him and now HE needs to take those skills and apply them to his new found family in you. The sad thing is, "mama's boys" do not go against mommy easily. Like my husband says the mommy hasn't cut the cord and probably never will and the boys have this loyalty to them that they do not know how to break. You need to put your foot down on this one, do not let the rest of your life be run by another woman, tell your boy to grow some and tell his mom that you will be together for holidays - period!

I am sure you can find a more delicate way to talk to your bo but the most important thing is to stand your ground. You need to pull together as a couple and holidays are a very important time.

Good luck!

I think you have a reasonable plan where you get to see each side of the family. If she won't be happy with anything but her own way...then she won't be happy (her problem). Presumably if you have a house together you have a long term commitment and this problem won't go away. You need to figure out what works for you as a couple. It will only be more complicated later if you have kids.

I have a large extended family on my mom's side and holiday arrangements have changed over the years. My mom is the oldest and when I was a child we all went to my grandmother's for Thanksgiving and Christmas. After a while my mom's 4 siblings all eventually got married and had families and not everyone came to the holiday gatherings every year. After that we came up with having "fake Thanksgiving" and "fake Christmas" on the Saturday following the holiday. Grandma hosted until she was in her late 70's and it got to be too much, then another aunt took over hosting. That has worked well for the last 20 years or so. Since my in-laws out of state and we see them in the summer, it is not a big conflict for my husband and I. Adding an extra gathering not on the actual holiday allows everyone to get their own time to celebrate together. I hope your MIL manages to adjust eventually.

I don't think you are being greedy one bit! I think his mother needs to understand that their side of the family is not the only people that matter -- you have a family too and it isn't fair to them for you and your boyfriend to spend all of the holidays with his family and then not spend much time with your family.
The thing that really concerns me is that she is activing this way already. It's just going to be WORSE once you and he get married/have kid(s). EVERYONE wants to spend holidays with the newlyweds & kiddos.
My husband and I just had our first son November of last year and we learned this first-hand, LOL.
It seriously felt like people came out of the woodwork that wanted us to spend the holdays with them so they could see the baby...
I think you and your boyfriend should just sit down and talk about the situation. I agree with the previous post about maybe asking your BF's dad to help out with the situation since he seems to be the understanding one.
If it comes down to it, you may just have to put your foot down and stand your ground to his mother. You can't let HER rule you & your boyfriend's lives together... What matters most is that you and your boyfriend come to a decision that you BOTH agree on and are happy with.
I'm kinda curious -- is your boyfriend an only child? That's kinda what this situation reminds me of... either that or is he the youngest child?

Good luck with everything! Make sure to let us know what happens :)

You and your husband figured out what would work best. Where you went wrong was asking and then awaiting approval. You are grown adults and you just need toTELLl his parents what is going to work out best this year. Don't sweat it, she will get over it! You MUST do this when you have children, so get ready! :) Good luck!

I read most of the posts and do agree with the point that you need to come up with a fair system that works for both you and your boyfriend. Then communicate your plans to the family but don't seek approval. Please listen to concerns and issues raised, and make amendments if necessary. You need to enjoy the holidays as well as seeing both sides of the family.

But there are a couple of things that immediately come to mind: 1) everyone will not be around forever, so take into account the ages of the relatives you want to see; and 2) try to think how you will feel when your sons and daughters are in this predicament. It's easy to get into the mindset that this problem will be around forever. It won't. Trust me, parents and other relatives die and we are left with the memories of how we interacted with them and the way we treated them. We also tend to think about what we want right now, but some day your kids will be going to the "in-laws" and we will want to be treated with consideration and kindness.

So fight the battle that needs to be fought, give in where it will mean the most, and remember that holidays are about family and love.

Hi, A.:

I would suggest that if it were me, I would contact Good Shepher's mediation program in Philly and see if there are any mediators in your area who would be will to do a family conference to come up with ways to solve this dilemma.

Might as well learn now how to solve problems, this looks like the beginning.

Include both family folks who wish to participate.
Good luck.
D.

You have a good, reasonable, and fair to all plan figured out. You are not being greedy. And as you bought a house and are living together, you are way beyond the early dating stage where you can go separate ways for the holidays.

Your boyfriend needs to stand up to his mother. But also, if his father is the more reasonable, you may want to have your bf talk to dad (or you talk to him) to have him work on the mom. Don't give in, you've already agreed to every xmas day. This will set a pattern for your future. If he can't talk to her about this, he won't be able to handle all the other control issues that life will bring.

Hi. We have been married for 20 years and we still have Christmas issues! When we all lived in the same state we spent Christmas eve with his family (his mom & dad would leave for PA and their families for Christmas day) and we spent Christmas day with my family. I always cook for Thanksgiving since his parents would go to PA and my parents prefered to go out. About 10 yrs ago we moved to PA (just a few miles from 2 of his Aunt's) and since our girls were young (and the weather/roads always iffy) we decided to stay home for Christmas You would have thought we started a civil WAR!! Like OMG both of my sister's in laws went nuts because we refussed to go home....even though his parents come out here every year!! So here is what we do....we stay home for all the holidays issueing invatations to all (LOL none of them come!) and we spend the with our family and friends. You are NEVER gonna make everyone happy. So all you can do is start your own traditions that you are happy with. And your boyfriend has to deal with his parents....YOU cannot be the "bad guy". The two of you need to make a decision and he needs to relay it. Keeping in mind that its not a perfact world and someone is gonna be unhappy. But kids need to grow and go....and Momma needs to learn how to let go. Best Wishes and good luck!

oh honey learn now to do what you want to do cause you are never going to please everybody and there is always one family that doesn't understand you can't be at everything when you have your own family. I have learned from being married for almost 9 years and two kids later that you want to have your own traditions and people don't what to change things if its been that way for years. So you do what makes you guys happy and enjoy the holidays!!

Time for your boyfriend to stand up to his Mama or you are going to continue to be confronted with these difficult choices again and again. It is hard for mom's to let go but if you and your boyfriend have agreed on a plan he needs to stand up and make it happen!
Good luck and enjoy the holidays!
- J. :)