Holding a Grudge??

So, what you've described is pretty typical of abusive relationships, from both your sister's end and her partner's end.

I can *completely* understand why you would want to limit your contact with him and, honestly, I think it would be pretty unhealthy for you to grin and bear it. He's being abusive towards you as well, and there is no reason why you should have to tolerate that.

Yes, your sister is agreeing to stay in this and that can really, really hurt and feel frustrating/infuriating (it has been for me at least). It's also a given in these types of situations. When a person has been 'pounded' down (emotionally and/or physically) for this long, it usually, usually, usually takes a toll on their ability TO leave. This is the neurological result of trauma, really biologically real. So while your sister is making her own choices, and you are powerless to change her, it is likely that she isn't making choices from an empowered or sane mental space.

I bring this up because one of the most effective means of manipulation that an abusive person wields, is that of isolation. A person who is alone, who doesn't have support, or is otherwise vulnerable, is more easy to control. Thus, it is in an abuser's best interest to isolate their victim from all supportive and sane relationships.

Now, you have a lot of different ways you could go about this and I hope you will follow your deepest and truest heart. I can relate to the confusion and difficulty of family dynamics and seeing someone who you love deeply, become more and more entrenched in unhealthy behaviors.

*I* have found it helpful to:
- Communicate (clearly and with love) my observations and perspectives to someone who I am concerned about. Not in a way where I try to force them to co opt my position, but because it is irresponsible to not let someone know when they are in danger of being hit by a proverbial bus.

- Try to understand WHY they are doing what they are doing. Whether we're talking about addiction, an abusive relationship, or any other self harm situation, there is usually a reason why a person stays. In other words, being in the relationship (with substance or person) provides a function. If we can listen to and honor those reasons (not the same as agreeing with the methods used as a solution/justification/reason), it can help us to be more of an ally to our loved one.

- Letting my loved one know that my love is unconditional and that, no matter what, I love them. No matter what, I'm with them. Now, this doesn't mean I have to agree to subject myself to their toxicity or their partner's toxicity. For example, my sister is in active addiction. I love her unconditionally and I have communicated that. I've also communicated that while she is in this place, I will limit my contact with her. Another example is with one of my best girlfriends who is in a similar situation as your sister. I listen to her, call her over and over when she's in an isolation phase (to her answering machine, e-mail box, etc: Hi Sweetie, I'm just calling to let you know that I love you. No pressure, I know things are tough. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. Wish you were here watching trashy tv and eating ice cream with me. Love you."), and I try to provide a safe and trustworthy place for her to receive support.

- Self care. My sister used to be my best friend. Loosing her was like ripping open a cavity in my chest. She's not dead. She's not the same anymore either. There's hope, and I prey she recovers, and I am realistic about the statistical improbability of such a recovery. Anyway, I'm pretty darned sensitive and the way that her drug addiction hit me might be more severe than it has been for others in a similar situation. It really took me down and hard. Really, really.

I'm also a mother of a toddler, and my sister's baby has become a part of my family. She is my kiddo now too. There was a lot of rough transition. I had to learn how to set better boundaries, take time off to pamper myself, ask for help, ask for support, and research the dynamics involved in DV and addiction. I had to be really gentle and loving towards myself or I'd find myself empty and unable to properly function.

- Check out non violent communication and assertive vs. aggressive boundary setting. I think you will feel good about yourself if you act with integrity and it sounds like you are doing so. Also, there is no reason in hell why you should have to play nice guy with boyfriend. Not playing nice guy doesn't mean you become a jerk or reactive. Just means you don't have to pretend to like or trust him.

Best of luck to you and your sister. Really, from the bottom of my heart. Hugs.

This guy's a jerk, but your sister is the big idiot here... I'm guessing you are disappointed in HER more than anyone or anything. The whole situation is sad. I'd avoid them both... for it is your sister choosing to make the bold move of going back with him while simultaneously separating herself from the ones that truly love her. If she reaches out to you, BE THERE. otherwise... put it on hold for a while... you've done all you can at this point.

It sounds like a very painful situation, but it sounds like you are doing the right thing, being the bigger person. If it were me, I'd ignore him, make no contact at all towards him, but if he approached me, I'd answer him with short, curt answers that did not reciprocate.

HIM - how are you?
YOU - fine. thanks

HIM - what'cha up to?
YOU - not much

HIM - did you see blah, blah, blah
YOU - no (even if you did)

You are not going to win with this man, ever. He will never like you, probably because you have a spine. And you are right, your sister will choose him every time because she is allowing him to control her. You can not change that either.

I know you said there is a LOT you left out, so not sure if this suggestion is even possible, but can you invite your sister out and have fun with her and pretend he doesn't exist? Don't ask about him, don't talk about him. Go out with her as if he's not in the picture? Or won't he let her? It's important for your sister to know you are support for her, incase she ever gains the presence of mind and courage to dump him for good.

My mom is currently in a situation with a man our family does not approve of and I've maintained my relationship with her by pretending he does not exist, in most cases. When he is at my house or anyone's house he is ignored, as if he is invisible. Mean, yes, but him and his situation is not acceptable. Ignoring is more powerful then confronting, esp people who like the drama, like your sister's guy.

It's really not about him, it's her.
You cant live your sisters life so stop trying.
He's not the bad guy, she's the one that puts up with it. That's why he stays with her, normal women don't stay with repeated cheaters.
It's her, not him. Dont be mad at him, but do pray for her to get some self esteem.

Some people just don't care if their spouse cheats. They don't care if the other one wants to have an open relationship.

I can't say how sorry I am for you that your sister is treating you like this and allowing this man to change her so much. I would treat them like long ago high-school acquaintances. When you see them say Hi, visit a moment, then walk off. That way you will feel better about how you acted and they can't find any fault with how you acted.

One way to work through your feeling over this is to write a letter, write it to yourself, to her, to him, whomever you want. It does not matter. Just write and let it all out. Page after page after page. Then burn it, rip it up, wad it up and throw it, aggressively get rid of it.

You will feel so much lighter after getting it all out. So many things will just be gone, they won't make you mad anymore.

I think Loving M is right. Be polite, but don't go out of your way. If you want to say hello to your sister, do your best to find an opportunity when she is not with him or he is talking to someone else. You'll probably have to talk to him, but you don't have to get into a deep conversation with him. Just be polite.

Remember, most people really do see past what he is saying and really do see the truth. They know you better, so try not to worry about people believing what he's saying.

Just be true to yourself and keep living your life.

Have you considered moving far far away?
Not just a few towns over - complete multiple states away - a whole different time zone.
Meet new people, see new places - leave the old drama and family behind and let them live (and crash and burn) as they see fit.
It's much MUCH easier on you when you don't have to witness chronic recurring stupidity in personal relationships.
Send your sister a Christmas card once a year saying 'Season's Greetings' and have no more contact than that (if that much).
Your sister is precisely where she wants to be and she'll continue to be there until she decides to break the cycle (and she may never).
It's maddening, but you have to let it go.
There's nothing you can fix here.

This isn't holding a grudge. You are reacting to an ongoing, unchanging situation. All you can do is be polite if you are forced to interact. Minimize contact as much as possible. You supported your sister and she keeps making this choice. You can be there for her if she truely breaks away from him, but otherwise you really can't do anything but take the high road and avoid the situations.

I have a friend in an abusive relationship (physical, mental, emotional). He knows I hate him, but like your sister, my friend is volunteering for this by staying. However, when I see them out and about I do not speak to him at all. I will not even be in the same 10' radius as him. IMO, there is nothing wrong w/ keeping evil at a good distance away.

I would treat both of them just as you would any stranger on the street: polite, civil, respectful. Then they can never have a bad word to say about you, right?
Hopefully your sister will O. day realize she deserves better.
But until then....

I totally get where you're coming from! My sister has been with an idiot for over 30 years - only reason she stayed is they DO have children together and they ARE married! The guy knows I hate his guts but to keep peace with my sister, any time we're together I'll say "hi" and that's it! He knows I see right thru him and knows not to talk to me or anything.

Like you, I could write a book on what a jerk the guy is and at the beginning I had a lot of talks with my sister and tried to get her away from him but once the children started coming, there was nothing I could do. She was obviously blinded by love - altho to this day, I can't figure out for the life of me what she EVER saw in the guy! The only thing I ever did figure is she's the type that is scared to be alone - always had a boyfriend - and was afraid she couldn't find someone else. Believe me, she could have found someone - someone much better!!!

And now that her kids are all grown she stays with him but has opened her eyes - she lives her own life now and does what she wants when she wants and doesn't kiss his butt like she used to!! She is a lot happer these last couple years.

So like I said, for my sister's sake, I kept peace for the most part. I would be devastated if I lost the relationship I have with my sister - she is my best friend!!!

If I were you, as long as they're together I would be civil in saying hi! and that's about it. Hopefully some day you'll be able to rekindle the relationship you had with your sister. In the meantime, just be there for her when/if she needs you.

Good luck!!

I have to agree that the problem here is NOT the guy, but your sister. She's allowing this creep to define her relationship with you and her relationship with her family and likely with her friends. You said that the last time they broke up, she didn't go back to her old self. Getting rid of this guy doesn't change things because it's not him and that was proof.

This guy validates something for her. Who the heck knows what it is? YOU don't have to validate it. YOU don't have to tolerate it. When he abuses you, don't allow it. You don't have to be nasty, but you can put him in his place. And when people question what he's said about you, gently correct them and say, "Oh, is he going on about that again? ::sigh:: What he MEANT to say was _____. But I'd rather talk about _____."

And when your sister doesn't defend you, she's choosing where she stands. She's going to have to come to the realization on her own that she's standing on the wrong side. Nothing you say will fix things because you haven't done anything wrong to begin with. Just be the sister you've always been. Supportive of her. When you do spend time with her, don't discuss the creep. If she brings him up, change the subject. If she complains about him, change the subject. The less you know about their relationship the better. When he's at a family function, if he greets you then be polite but get away from him as quickly and politely as possible.

The best thing for you to do is forget about them. Too much drama in your life. Your sister is co-dependent and she won't change unless she has a life altering experience or counseling. This is what she knows. This is why it is better to have some family members NOT in your life. I know it hurts to think of turning your back on them, but think of how nice your life will be without the stress that it puts on you, and the worry. Your sister will come around. When she sees that you are not getting into her business anymore, which you probably aren't anyway, she will come around.