My question is a little complex and quite long. I have a gorgeous and sensitive 10 year old girl - almost 11. She had a ‘ best’ friend for a number of years in junior school but last year it all came off the rails . For all of her 6th year in school this friend dented her confidence significantly - she pulled away from her early in the year so my daughter branched out and made new friends - however as soon as a new friendship was established her old friend would swoop back in and try and break up the friendships. She also wrote letters to her trying to become her friend again and reminding her of the good times they used to have. As soon as my daughter would let her back into her life she would be hurt by her again. School became aware of the situation but it was towards the end of the year when we eventually brought it to their attention. For us to came to a head when our daughter became physically unwell and the consultant related it directly to bullying. We also had months of her crying at home at the drop of a hat , being really sensitive to the smallest to things etc...This was just three weeks before school ended for the summer. Summer was great - the girls didn’t meet up at all - she met her other friends and had a lovely relaxing time with family etc.. she was happy and carefree and we had little or no tears for the whole holiday. We are now one month back into the school and she is now stressed again and every second or third day there is an issue at school. My amateur analysis of the situation is I think she may be very insecure in the class room situation and very sensitive to how people are treating her. In her mind she is unpopular and has ‘Noone to play with’ in the yard because everyone has a best friend and she no longer does. I think she is very effected by the girl she adored and called her best friend is not only not her friend but is also continuing to hurt her. Separately the teachers have continually told us that she is popular in school and part of her challenge is she puts pressure on herself to do the right thing , not offend anyone, tries to keep everyone happy and is exhausting herself in the process. She has been friendly with another little girl - who is very kind but quite intense - seeks out a lot of my daughters undivided attention - but is lovely has never been unkind etc...
etc.. There have been a string of small incidents in the school over the last couple of weeks with clashes with girls , my daughter talks about them but seems to have been handling them a little better - however her current friend told her today , after another incident featuring her ‘ex best friend’ that her ex ‘best friend’ and another little girl spoke about her in the last few days - one allegedly called her fat and her ‘best friend’ said that she wished my daughter never lived. Needless to say my daughter is now absolutely distraught and is so hurt. I am at a loss as to what to do with this information. I will get to talk to her teacher this coming week so really want to understand what the new teacher is seeing as I know she has been involved in some of the incidents in the last number of weeks. But how do I deal with th latest ‘hear say’ information. I also am wondering , apart from tackling as needed the issues in the class room, how I help my daughter to be more resilient . I know that she is hyper sensitive now and if anything is said to her at all in school she cries very easily. I would love her to feel less ( but in the other hand her sensitivity makes her the lovely and kind and thoughtful girl I know her to be. I’m fully aware I’m her Mum so I’m biased but feedback from teachers etc... is consistent with that view. But I would love for her own sake if she developed a thicker skin and let some of the incidents that happen roll off her. There is so much I am not able to cover off in this note in terms of the detail of some of the incidents / but I hope this has given enough information. My question I suppose is two fold - how to I deal with the current situation with the hear say comments and what can I do to help my daughter build some resilience to help her cope with these challenges.
Yeah therapy is a wonderful idea.
So much of the trouble is in coming to the realization that this friendship is in the past, she's an ex friend and since the friendship is over - there's no need to try to continue to be nice especially when she's being manipulative and a fairly rotten person at the moment.
I think you are absolutely right to see that teaching her resilience is the key here. And you're absolutely right that it's good to encourage her to be her sensitive and caring self. At least until she's getting flattened on a regular basis by the steamroller of the tween years.
She's getting to an age where the drama will increase in some of her classmates, and in the next few years, she's going to be presented with even more challenges. Wanting to be liked can lead to an unwillingness to say "no" to unhealthy offers - drugs, sex, booze. And your daughter, right now, is unable to say "no" to an unhealthy offer of fake friendship. She thinks that walking away from this girl is a poor reflection on her own self.
You ask how you can help her. I think, after a year of this, it's time to say, "You know what? I cannot help her myself." There's no shame in that. You send her to a public school because you cannot teach her the subjects they do. You send her to the doctor because you cannot diagnose strep throat or check for scoliosis or (one of these days) do a pelvic exam. You don't clean her teeth or give her dental x-rays. That's not a put-down of you, right? Nor of her. It means that those are not areas of expertise for you or for her. Find a therapist, either through your insurance company or your pediatrician or through referrals from others, and then talk to that professional beforehand to learn ways to present this to your daughter.
From your end, as mom, you can remind your daughter that, when classmate Adam says that Nigeria is in South America, she's knows it's not true. If Adam can learn the truth, great. But if he can't, it's not a reflection on her. She can ignore it and move on. If Sally says that 4 plus 6 equals 17, and can't be talked out of it, your daughter can move on. If Sally and Adam share their views with 10 other kids and say that your daughter is an idiot for not seeing it that way, she can (and must) move on. So if other kids are talking behind her back (and we don't know how much they are, because you say "allegedly"), your daughter needs the skills to walk away from that and not feel that someone's desire to hurt her is necessarily indicative of how others feel, and not a reflection of the truth anyway. A good therapist, who will also help you find additional ways to be supportive, can help your daughter walk away from the "4 + 6 = 17" crowd without feeling she's missing much. And, while it's good that she does have a friend, it's going to be important for her to find friends who meet her needs and not just those who seek out her undivided attention.
Two mantras for your daughter:
1) You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to.
2) As flight attendants say, you put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attending to the needs of others. Otherwise, nobody's getting enough air.
I think seeing a child therapist is a great idea. Seeing an individual therapist is a good idea, but also see if the therapist does adolescent group therapy. Peer therapy supervised by a professional cam sometimes be more effective then one on one because the kids validate the feelings/situations in each other better then an adult (how could an adult possibly understand what it’s like to be me, :-0)
Books for you: Queen Bees and the Wannabees and Reviving Ophelia.
Help your daughter journal her feelings daily. Tell her to do this privately, not to talk to her friends about journaling or what she writes (but she can share with trusted adult). Have her review what she wrote once a week or twice monthly. Do not give input, just listen if she wants to talk about it. Reviewing the journal entries will help her 1) recognize her feelings, 2) recognize behavior patterns, and 3) get some objectivity to her reactions.
As she learns to recognize her feelings, she will start to feel them in her gut (boundaries)and can better recognize how to manage the situation to protect herself. Visualization is helpful (pretend the mean words are birds flying right past you) and role playing (what ‘thick skin’ looks like, etc.) are effective.
Help her learn to save her sensitive side for only those that will value and appreciate it because it is truly a gift.
As far as the hearsay, help her depersonalize it by discussing ‘what would make a person say such mean things about another?’ Sometimes refocusing on ‘unhappy people do mean things because they are really unhappy with themselves’ may see it’s about them, not her. Helping her understand this concept will help her recognize toxic situations to avoid in the future and feel confident to walk away from them.
Speak with the school counselor to see what help he/she can offer. Professional therapy is needed here. Your daughter needs to develop tools and skills to deal with all the issues that come up. She needs to find her self-worth so that she is not continually stressing about what everyone thinks of her.
I would seek help from a professional so she can learn how to deal with basic girl drama.
I don't see this as bullying... I feel the term bullying is way overused.
My daughter is almost 23 and not too long ago when we were brunching with a couple of her friends.... one topic of conversation was how girls to women never stop the drama.
There's always going to be someone stirring the pot. I think it's human nature...
Get her help now so she can learn how to deal with it the rest of her life.
This reminds me of a friend I have, who has a daughter in high school. The daughter experiences near-constant anxiety due to her friends. Sometimes it's not that the friends have been mean, sometimes it's simply that the friends are experiencing some kind of problem. This girl (my friend's daughter, I'll call her Katie) is very sensitive, very empathetic, very concerned about her friends to the point where it makes her feel nauseated if one of her friends is upset about something (not a huge issue, it can be as simple as one of her friends feeling upset about failing a quiz). But if a friend says something to Katie that can be construed as unkind ("that's not a good color for you" when referring to a new sweater), it sends Katie into an angst-ridden panic.
My friend has gotten counseling for her daughter, and the advice was for my friend to help strengthen Katie from within. In other words, help Katie develop characteristics that would make her a good friend, help Katie learn a hobby or skill (Tae Kwon Do, pottery, dance, etc) that requires personal discipline. Help Katie get some good mentoring from some really accountable and reliable people like music teachers, coaches, etc. And my friend was told to help Katie verbalize that she can't resolve everyone's problems, while appreciating that that Katie has a compassionate heart. It's hard, when someone is so concerned for others and sensitive, to learn balance. But my friend was also told to acknowledge how much people like her daughter are needed in this world. We need the compassionate, the just, the kind, the sensitive, the helpful people. But just as a person who doesn't care at all about fellow human beings needs to learn kindness and respect, the sensitive caring ones need to learn balance and objectivity sometimes.
I also agree that this doesn't seem to rise to the level of bullying. Aggravating? Yes. Annoying? Yes. Bothersome? Yes. Irritating? Yes. But I think that sometimes when we parents go to the bullying label, we often skip over the things we can help within our own children. Bullying means the other kid is at fault. But if we take a closer look at it, it's more that our own child isn't able to distinguish between true cruelty and manipulation by an annoying and needy person.
I'm sorry your daughter has been manipulated by this ex-best-friend. But maybe now is a good time to talk with your daughter about what makes a good friend, to teach her how to develop good friendship qualities within herself, to help your daughter learn to become wise when it comes to evaluating other people. Just because someone begs to come into your life again doesn't mean you have to allow them.
Read what Diane B. wrote and then read it again.
This is just the beginning of the tween and then teen years with having a girl.
It sounds like your daughter may need more help than you can give.
One thing that has helped my daughter is martial arts and theater. They both give her strength to stand up for herself it is both physical and mental strength to defend herself physically and also to get up on stage and "speak up" for herself in front of a group. Together they have both helped her at school and in life.
Good luck!!
Therapy with an adolescent psychologist.
First of all, your a wonderful Mother! And your daughter is perfect the way she is! So sad that a caring and sensitive girl has to go through this! Crazy world and I do blame parents who do not teach their children right from wrong. And it just gets worse! So many parents are still out there trying to recapture their youth and wind up self absorbed and not parenting their children and unfortunately our kids wind up paying for that one way or another. But you obviously have been their for your daughter with guidance and support! I really feel for you because here she had such a wonderful summer and nothing makes you happier then to see your children happy and content and then boom...school starts up again and it's back to square one. Not easy. My advice is just keep being there for her and talk talk talk always. She should not have to change who she is tho I know you think it would be easier for her if she could just shrug it off. I agree but it probably won't happen. As the grades get higher girls tend to get a little better. More distractions like sports/clubs/boyfriends. My daughter had a very similar situation with one particular girl right from kindergarten and finally I had to request privately of course that this girl was not to be put into any classes/class with my
daughter! Of course there were still run ins but it was limited and I told my daughter to just ignore her. As the kids got older they realized this particular girl was a little story teller and not a very nice friend. Her mother pulled her out of school in the 10th grade and she went to a private school. Everyone had her number at that point. Sad but true. Hang in there! Keep close communications with your daughter and I promise this too shall pass!!! All the best!
Does her school have a psychologist or at least a guidance counselor on staff? These people are very helpful with social and emotional issues.
