Help with Sensitive Issue

For me personally I wouldn't use that name. ( yea I know, even if I loved the name ) There's so many names to choose from. If she's a good friend I wouldn't do it......even if she said she didn't mind- I still wouldn't do it.

Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

I think there is a difference between loosing a full term baby versus a living child. I say this from experience with a friend who lost 7 full term babies before going on to have 4 healthy children. That's a lot of names to avoid using for friends who run in their circle.

You have been given some great advice on how to be sensitive to her. Just be honest and ask her with kindness and respect for her feelings.

I would NOT do that to a good friend! Sorry, unless you approach it as you're naming her after their daughter (and it still may be strange for them) I just wouldn't do it. If I were in those shoes, I imagine I would feel really weird about a friend who did that.

if you're really a friend, then you should realize that all of your friend's memories of her daughter....are tied in with that name. Every thought, every prayer are directed to her....invoking that name.

I KNOW, because I feel the same about our daughter....who died 17 years ago. She will be the ONLY Gracie for me.

Soooo, ask yourself honestly....if the child had lived....would you still want to use the same name? !! Peace!

Oh, I so would NOT use that name! But that is just me...

If you really must use it, I think it is a MUST to prepare them first, this is not something you want to just spring on them...

I am sorry to say this but your hubby is way wrong on this one...it will be an issue...whether or not your friend has the courage to tell you how she really feels is one thing but I would bet my life that it will cause her pain of some sort...sorry!

Umm, personally I have lost a child and my sister as well and we would both be really (insert not nice word here) upset if someone did so w/out At Least talking to us first. For crying out loud I have her initials tatooed above my heart so she is always with me. I think that would be something that even if she agreed would subconciously(sp) bring distance between you two and at some point soon probably by her first birthday you would basically be aquaintences, maybe ONE of the names would be appropriate to use as her middle name with an important family name as the first.
Wow, I did not know that would make me so emotional just thinking of someone close to me using her name knowingly.

I would find another name. My friend lost an infant son last year and I love the name she selected for him, but out of love and respect for her - his name is off limits. If you're close, I would really advise against this - having watched a friend go through this... Losing a child is not something you get over. I think it would seem insensitive unless you are asking her if you can name your baby after her daughter.

... I would not use the name.

But yes, you MUST talk with her about it. Not just do it.
And... then yes, you need to be aware of the fact, that maybe she will not or cannot really tell you how she feels about it... maybe she will be open or maybe she will hold back from telling you her real feelings on it.
And THEN... how will her HUSBAND feel about it??? It is her and her Husband... that this child belonged to... you have to talk to them both.

No matter what, it seems like a touchy subject.

There needs to be respect about it... this is your good friend.
Your Husband, is being insensitive... if you do use the name, without her consent/awareness... each time you talk to her or she sees you... she will CONSTANTLY be reminded, of the child she lost.

ALSO remember.... this was her ONLY daughter... she has 3 boys now. And this was her Firstborn....

My Mom once... lost a baby full term... at birth. She was born stillborn.
I would have NEVER ever, thought, of naming my own daughter that same name. I believe, that name, should remain special, for my Mom's lost child.

all the best,
Susan

If you value your friendship pls don't do it, she will always be reminded of her lost baby. There must be other names for you to consider, you are right this is indeed a sensitive issue and since you say she is a good friend, pls be a good friend to her and name your daughter a different name. How would you feel if you were in her shoes?

I lost a daughter and a son four years ago. It may have been hard had someone used there names right after their deaths, but at this time I would be honored to have another child share my child's name. I think I would like it if a good friend like my child's name enough to use it. Ask your friend. I am sure she will tell you.

Please ask her first.......I would literally die if my close dear friend used the same name as my deceased child & I had to say or hear the name all the time...................and if she shows ANY hint of hurt, hesitation or gets upset PLEASE PLEASE back off & let her know you meant no disrespect or insensitivity.

I do have a friend who lost a baby shortly after birth while they were still in the hospital. It was extremely difficult for her. This is something that stays with people forever. There is no way that I would even consider using her baby's name. In your situation, I most certainly would NOT use that name. In fact, I would NOT even bring it up to the friend. Why would you want to cause her any additional pain? That name belongs to the memory of her child - her only daughter. There are tens of thousands of other names to choose from, so I suggest removing this one from your list.

I think it's a really, REALLY bad idea...sorry. Compassion for her tells you that every time she utters the name, writes the name on a birthday card....it will be incredibly painful.
I think your hubby is clueless. Thank God you are the voice of reason! The length of time since she lost the baby and the number/gender of the children since then is irrelevant to the question.

I would talk to her. Why not? She does have more children and she might actually love that idea. I know that was what happened with my child. I named him after a friend of our family who passed away at the age of fourteen or so and they loved him and I think they were happy we eulogized him. Whatever the name is, they thought it was beautiful and they may appreciate it that you are continuing her memory. So many people avoid talking about these things. Why not just tell them how much you love the name and you love them. I truly believe this or wouldn't say it, I'll bet they would really appreciate the talk and perhaps the fact that you did not forget.

I would definately sit them down and discuss it with them. It would appear insensitive if you didn't.

Since time has passed it may not be as touchy a subject as you think-but still better to be safe then risk hurting their feelings. Maybe there is a way to honor their daughter with the name too..not sure what exactly, but something.

I would also suggest they ponder your request-they may leave the convo feeling one way and feel differently the next. Everytime they see your little girl and hear her name they will be reminded of the daughter they lost. That might bring great joy or be very bittersweet.

Ask, but understand how she must feel if she says she would rather you didn't. Also consider that if you do, you risk losing the friendship.

Ultimately you may have to decide if her friendship means more than the name.

Blessings on your family!

I think you should talk to your friend about it. It's the only way you will truly know how she feels about it. She may be pleased that you would like to choose that name.
I lost a baby in my third trimester and I had a name picked out. I thought it was odd years later when my sister named my nephew that name. It was the name I would have been named had I been a boy instead of a girl. I wasn't so upset about her choosing the name, it's just that she never even asked me how it might make me feel. She's not a friend, she's my sister and it really felt like she didn't even consider my feelings. She's kind of one to do whatever she wants regardless so I wasn't exactly shocked. I just wish she had asked me about it.
My nephew is 19 now and it doesn't bug me a bit. The name actually suits him and to be honest, he and/or his name are not constant reminders of a baby I lost. Not at all.
But that's just me.
It's a fairly typical name so I wouldn't have been spared hearing it one way or the other.

I just think you should talk to your friend about it. I'm sure she will be touched that you are considering her feelings.

Best wishes!

One line in the answers below sums up my gut reaction the best:

"Everytime they see your little girl and hear her name they will be reminded of the daughter they lost"

Unlike naming a child after a beloved grandparent - which is generally done to honor the wonderful full life that person lived - I can only see this as something that will cause more pain than good. Continue your search for an alternate name & focus on someone whose life you've admired. Authors, past celebrities, heros, etc. You'll have a great name linked to great memories and a great story to tell the child about how they were named.

i think that the fact that you felt like you needed to ask on here if it was a bad idea is your sign that it's a bad idea. If it were my child, i would feel like you were taking something from me. because there was a little girl out there running around and my baby girl was not.

I really think it depends on your friends and how they feel towards it. I think that they could be honored that you would want to name your daughter with the same name. However, it could also open a wound that they may not be ready for. I would sit down and talk with them about it before you surprise them with the name. I had a miscarriage back in August and it seems like ever since when I see someone who is pregnant and due around the same time I would have been due it just opens a wound that seems so fresh. 7 years difference could be enough for them to have made amends and be at peace with the situation, but I would definately talk with them out of respect of your friendship. Good luck!

My opinion...absolutely I would not use the name. Choose another.

I have the answer......tell her you are naming your baby ______ in honor of her and her loss. Then she will take it as a compliment and be flattered rather than upset at your insensitivity.

So why not ask her to be your daughter's godmother and at the same time ask her if she would mind if you named your daughter after the one she lost? Just a thought.........unless you already have plans for another person to be godparents but I have seen people pick out two seperate people not necessarily a "couple".

I would say no. sorry :( But there are so many names to choose from. If she is a close friend who sees your family on a regular basis I would find another name. I

She's your good friend.
You and she talk about things together,
including important, private, intimate things.

So . . . sometime soon, when the two of you are chatting
in your usual way, tell her you and your husband
have always loved the name _______,
and that you're planning to name your daughter that name.
But that you wanted to discuss it with her first.
That you wanted her to know in advance.

Don't present it as giving her a choice.
Present it as informing her because you care about her
and don't want her to be surprised.

Also, you could mention that this could be a memorial/tribute
to her daughter, if you think that's a good idea.

About your husband . . . .
well, of course.
Yet another example of men having no insight
into the kinds of sensitivities that women have
without even thinking about it consciously.

I would go ahead and tell them that you love that name and want to use it. They may surprise you and be honored that you would use their daughter's name.
Congratulations on your growing family!

I would say NO don't do it.
How would you feel if the shoes were switched?

Some people would love to have that name used so they can hear it again and rejoice in the memory of the little girl. Some would be depressed every time they heard it. If you are attached and good friends with these people, all you can really do is ask. It also depends on the name... is it a very common name or something unique to them. It really just depends... best of luck! If she says it would be too difficult, then perhaps you can use it as a middle name, or use a different version of it.

whoa-that is a tough one. I personally would not use the name. Think how you would feel if the situation were reversed. What if one of your children-pick one-were deceased. How would you feel if SHE named her child the same name.

I don't think a sit down is necessary. That might give the situation more emotional weight than it needs. Just mention casually that you were considering naming your daughter " _____", and you know that name was special to her. She might be honored. It would be a way to keep the name alive.

I think it's a really BAD idea. I also agree with some of the other moms that your husband is being insensitive. Either that or he is completely clueless. You say that she is a good friend. That alone would be enough for me to steer clear of using her daughter's name. Just because she has three healthy kids now doesn't take away from her loss. And maybe you think that if you were in her shoes you would be okay with it but truly there is no way to really know that unless you yourself have lost a baby at full term. What you think you might feel is purely speculation. And thank God for that. Because what women would ever want to have walked in your friends shoes? There are millions of great names out there. Try a littler harder and I'm sure you can find one. Otherwise, regardless of how your friend reacts during your conversation, your daughter (by the mere nature that you are all friends and socialize together) will be a constant reminder of her loss.

There are lots and lots of pretty names out there, I personally would chose something else, but whether or not you tell them first i think depends on how close you are, how often you see them and if you think they will continue to be in your lives for a long time.

i would ask her. i didnt tell my grandma i was naming my son after my uncle (her son) who died 15 years prior, and after i told her, the suprise of it really upset her. it doesnt bother her now, but at the time it really upset her. now shes very proud to have a great grandson named after her late son. I would sit her and her husband down and ask them if it would bother them, it may stir up some emotions, but i think they would be ok with it.

I would invite her over for coffee or lunch and explain to her that you love her daughter's name and wanted to name your own daughter that, and ask her if that would be okay. That's how I would approach it.

I think you are free to use the name. Ask you friend how she feels about it, she may feel it is a non-issue. If she does, you are good. If she does seem sensitive about it and you are set on the name, you should definately make sure she knows how much you don't want to upset her but love the name/plan to use it before your child is born.

I would ask her how she feels. That's what I did when I decided to name my son after my (deceased) grandfather. I asked my mom how she felt about it and that I wanted to pay homage to him (her dad). I wanted to be sure she was okay with it first. Turns out it was a wonderful idea!

Ask. She's never going to be 'over' it, but since 7 years have gone by she may be open to the idea. (If you asked shortly after her loss or for your first girl, it might be a different story.)

I'd ask your friend if it was okay to name your baby after her daughter. =) If it bothers her, I'd find another name. This is such a sensitive issue and if she's a good friend, you don't want to hurt her. Good luck!!

I would just talk to her about it. Face to face, so you can actually "see" her answer, not just hear her answer...because so many times, people show you the truth of how they feel while saying the opposite. I understand the sensitivity. We had liked a boy's name even before we found out we were having a boy, but the name we liked was the name of a good friend's brother-in-law who was just killed in a motorcycle accident. (He was very close to their family) After a few months went by, I spoke with her and asked her how she'd feel about it if we had a boy and that name was on our list. She seemed genuinely happy and had no issues with us using the name. Ultimately, we decided on a different name anyway, but I think it shows respect and friendship to talk about it first. You don't want to share the "good news" of your new baby, only to have her feel punched in the gut when she hears the name. If you are going to ask her, though, be ready for her to say that it would hurt too much to hear you speak of your DD, and be willing to choose something else or risk losing the friendship.
Good luck!

I would ask her first, then do what she says. I've had several friends who either use the first name as a middle name. My impression is they always ask first.

Then again I know people who use the same name as their friend's kid even if they are still alive and kicking as well without asking.

Have you considered telling your friend that you are choosing to name your baby girl partly in HONOR of their lost child?

I would have her over for coffee, and ask her how she feels. If she seems upset at all, i would not do it.

I think that if you are honest with your friend and tell her how much you and hubby love the name you can gage her reaction first. If she is upset, uncomfortable, etc, then you know that you are risking friendship if you go ahead and do it. She's obviously moved on with three boys so it might not be a big deal but the fact that you brought it up, anyway, shows her that you are sensitive to her loss. Consider using as a middle name if you sense that it might cause an issue. Good luck.

yes i see the down side of this. its very sad that they lost their child 7 years ago as im sure they think of her every day. however its a name. its not like your naming your child the same name to rub it in their face that your daughter has that name and theirs never got to know it.
i agree that maybe you should mention it to them so they can share your excitement over a sweet name. i think that it would be ok after you explain your love for the name.
i love my husbands cousins name (janira) soooo much that our next daughter will have that name too. they will not share middle names. my next daughter will be janira rose. i just love the name soo much so that when we have our next daughter i will tell my husbands cousin that we want to use her name :)

i would strongly recommend talking with your friend - even if you're pretty sure that you have decided not to use the name. it could be a good opportunity for you to reconnect with her, and might also be a healing opportunity for her to tell her story again. i imagine that she would be touched that you are considering the name and that you care about her and her feelings. i imagine that she might still feel a sense of loss especially because she has no living girl children. another possibility you might consider (of course again taking her feelings into account) would be to use the name as your daughter's middle name. i think that quite often when babies come to this world they actually tell their parents (through intuition, dreams, baby name books, a seemingly chance encounter etc) what they want their name to be, and it is quite possible that this name has come to you so strongly because it is the name your daughter wants. you could pray for guidance, ask for a dream (this is what my daughter did), or tune into your baby's spirit and ask her. i think names have a lot of power and meaning, and can help a child to grow into their life purpose, the reason they are here on the planet. it could even be that your daughter has some connection with the baby who died. if you do use the name, though, i would be sure that you and your friend have done or will soon do any remaining healing work about the baby's death, so that your daughter doesn't need to carry that sorrow. it might even feel right to do some kind of small ceremony releasing the name from the baby who died and bestowing it upon your daughter. i think this whole thing could be done beautifully in a way that honors everyone and gives your daughter the name that she wants. (i'm curious of course as to what the name is and what it means...?) i know many people including my daughter who did not settle on a name for their children until they were several months old, waiting until it had become clear to them who their children were and what names they wanted - and the names that finally emerged were names with significant meanings (such as light in the darkness, clarity, shining sun etc) that acknowledge their life purpose. some of these ideas may be outside your usual way of thinking, but i hope you will consider them as you continue in the process of arriving at the perfect name for your daughter.
PS about husbands - i think it's normal for men to not see all the nuances in this sort of thing, which is fine. and i think it would be important to include your friend's husband and your husband in some of the discussion as well.

They will be honored. Do talk to them and tell them you want to name your child is memory of theirs and with the beautiful name they chose.

I would sit them down and tell them what you are thinking. Honesty is always best in my book.

After my sister lost her daughter I decided to give my daughter her daughter's middle name, it was hard for my sister but because we talked about it early on she was okay with it by the time the baby came.

Good luck.

K.,

I know you already received a million responses, but your post is very interesting and I wanted to respond. I see both sides. I understand the people that said not to use your friend's name for your baby, but I also feel that your friend doesn't own the rights to the name, and if you can't come up with any other name that you and your husband like better, then I think you should use it. It's not like your friend is childless - she does have 3 kids, afterall. I understand that she will hurt and it will bring back sad memories for her, but I'm sure she is just as sad thinking about what happened regardless if you use her name. It's a very sad story, but at least she has 3 kids and again, she doesn't own the name. If you use the name, I think you should have a talk with her. Out of curiosity, what is the name? Maybe I can help think of other names that are similar to it?

This answer may be strange...but I would say it depends on how common the name is. I have a friend with a really unique name, her parents made it up and someone later used it and it ticked her off bc to her it was her own original name. So if the name was really unique then I think no. But if it is a common name...I say it's ok. You might want to talk to them about it, like out of respect. Tell her how much you love the name and you would like to name your baby girl that and see how she reacts. My sis died almost two years ago, her name was Karen, I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to not use her name and neither would my mom. I know losing a baby is very tender but I think she will be ok with it if you talk to her about how beautiful you think the name is and that you would have wanted that name no matter what. I mean my sons have names that some other peoples living children we know have and that doesn't weigh in at all for me as to what I name them. I name by meaning and what I feel that child is to be called so I would personally name my child whatever I wanted, but I would talk to my friend about it and I wouldn't use a name that was something they had actually created as an original name. Just my two cents...good luck!

My cousin was pregnant at the same time I was, but lost her baby at 6 months. I didn't find out until after she lost it, that we had picked the same name... and I had picked it for a boy or girl (Casey). I decided immediately not to do that to my cousin and picked a different name. However, a year or two later when my cousin found out what I had done, she didn't have the reaction I had expected her to have. She explained that she would have felt more honored than upset, had I kept the name.
I would talk to your friend and ask what her opinion is. If this is someone that is going to be in the childs life regularly, then in my opinion, you should ask if it would bother her too much. You might find that she would like it, but also be willing to not use it. Not saying she would never speak to you again, but it may change your friendship if you did use it and she couldn't handle it... do you want to lose a friend over a name?

She's a good friend. Just tell her your thoughts and if you feel it's gonna bug her than a good friend would pick a different name. If she's the sensitive type and the name just serves to remind her of her lost fetus it would be insensitive. Most likely she will tell you that she's glad you are going to use the name, if she's a good friend.

Wow! I wouldn't do that to my friend. It's a constant reminder of what happened to her. Please be sensitive to her feelings and know that this one decision you make could alter things between you and her. There are so many beautiful names out here. Just know when a woman feels betrayed by her friend, whether intentional or not, it's nothing nice! Ask your hubby to understand the realness of this issue. Try this site: http://www.babynames.com/

Good Luck