Help with MIL During Delivery and Hospital Stay, Etc

This difficult problem can have a very easy fix, since you are trying to handle it in advance. When you are in labor, your health and needs should be Priority Number One! Shame on the hospital staff for failing to recognize your situation.
My suggestion would be to draft a "Birth Plan." This can contain any information about your requirements during delivery. For instance, do you want music playing? (For me, who cared, just get the child out!). Anyway, the idea is that the Birth Plan contains all of your wishes and directions.
In this Birth Plan, there should be explicit instructions about who should be present during labor. Once you have it ready, give a copy to your OB/GYN office. It will be considered part of your medical records. Also, discuss the situation with them so that they understand.
A copy of the Birth Plan should be taken with you to the Hospital. Again, you can consider this a confidential medical record and your MIL, etc. have no business reading it.
Good Luck! Remember, you are in charge! It's the Nursing Staff's job to make sure that you get what you need (and rid of what you don't!).

T.,

Having a child a a very private, intimate and emotional time. Remember, this is your body and it is you that is felling the pain, fears, joys only you will know. With that said, respect yourself and the fact that you are allowed to have boundaries, and set them...does not mean you are a bad person or selfish. Most important, sounded to me like the letter of request that you sent should go to your husband, it is he that needs to know what you really feel and what you want during the labor and delivery. I hope your hubby can appreciate your feelings and respect them or you both can compromise! Tell him how you really feel, it matters! Good luck to you and your family!

M.

I also had an in law issue during delivery. Since my health was poor, the nurse posted a sign on the door that I was to have NO visitors because if I got excited or stressed out, it would cause my blood pressure to go up, and they didnt want that to happen. Thats how I kept everyone out of my room except my mom and my husband. It's good to go a route like this, because if you cant count on your husband to get things the way you want them, you may have to say something to your mother in law, and that may cause more problems for you.

T.,

For my first pregnancy my husband's family who are a bunch of selfish jerks all wanted to be in the delivery room and i said that no one except my hubby was to be in there and if he fainted and i needed support i would have my best friend. They all got really pissed and we don't talk to most of them anymore - it caused some marital strife but their selfish motives became very apparent. I did use the L&D nurses for support they didn't let anyone in and even screened phone calls. Second time around I only had my hubby with me and my parents came with my daughter when i was in recovery so she could see her brother. We didn't even call his family til the baby was born. My husband and I got closer thru both experiences and it was nice that it was just the two of us. You may want to consider just having the two of u and let ur parents watch ur little one...good luck!

-L.

Definately use the hospital staff to your advantage. They will follow your plan as long as it doesn't interfere with your health.

And what jerks to pick on you while you are in labor! I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

You can always try talking to her. Tell her how much more helpful it is to have someone at home when you get out of the hospital to help instead of being there while you have hospital staff helping you. Let her know the things that will benefit her as if you're doing it for her own good. Like the fact that she'll get lots more one on one time with the baby. A comfortable home to sleep in. Time with the 3 year old. Etc.
If she doesn't listen and insists on coming for the birth, definitely let the hospital staff know that you don't want her in there and they'll keep her out and they won't let her know that the order came from you. You should be able to have a calm (ha) and safe birth if possible. You have only one job to do at that point and it isn't stressing about your mom and husband. And, just for the record, I think he needs a swift kick in the a** for turning his attention away from being a good husband to play like a child with his mommy. It may be fun and acceptable in certain situations, but when the wife needs support it is just plain rude.
I hope you find a way to get your point across before the birth. Good luck!

I would not call any family until you couldn't avoid it anymore. Then, tell your doctor and the nurses that you do not want anyone in the room (or whatever you want) before family gets there. Explain to your doc your situation and ask if the doc will give everyone the boot. And ask if the doc will ask the nurses to aid you in kicking people out. Then your family will blame the doc and nurses for booting them out, and not you.
Btw, I am pg with our third (all boys) and since the beginning I have let everyone know - no one is allowed except my hubby until after all the hoopla is over. And certainly no pics from the waist down! I want to maintain my pre-pregnancy image of myself :) Even if it's only in my head.
Best of luck! Jen
PS - I wouldn't worry about hurting anyone's feeling about who goes or stays. If they don't want to listen to the nurses and your hubby is being a child, just yell it out as it comes and be done with it. After L&D, they'll just blame it on hormones or whatever.

Good lord. What a story.

It's your deal, you half naked, passing the equivalant of a basketball through one of the smallest openings on your body, while trying to avoid medication to ensure the safety and health of your baby. Explain it quite bluntly. If you hurt her feelings as a result, you'll gain her respect in exchange. They shouldn't disrespect you regardless but when a woman is in stir-ups, a man should be supportive or feel her wrath. As a woman that has had children of her own, she should be one of the first people on board with your decisions whether she likes them or not. It's bad enough to have to bare yourself to every Tom, Dick and Harry that strolls through being a doctor or nurse to check stuff out but to have to deal with a brood of people that want to play romper room is rediculous. Stand up for yourself! Good luck.

First I know exactly what you are saying. My husband caves when his mommy is around. The only difference is that when she is around it is all about what she wants and what will make her happy, to hell with everyone else. I stood my ground from the beginning and said that I only wanted my mom. At first he was upset then I explained to him, this time in the delivery room is about having our baby. We have no idea, and you know first hand, what will happen and I don't mean to sound selfish but it's about what makes me comfortable. Tell him that you are more than happy to have her help afterwards, that's when you need her the most. You need to start now and that way when the time comes to deliver the fights have been over and you have a plan. Good luck. Maybe even talk to her yourself, woman to woman.

N. J

I'm so sorry T., for you having to deal with this.
When I had my son, I didn't want anyone but my husband, and had hospital paperwork stating this.

You are a patient at the hospital and you have a right to privacy, speak with your OB GYN about getting some signed consent forms regarding who will and who will not be present at your labor.

You are the one crapping out a baby not your husband, so he should be more understanding to your needs and demands. He really has no say in who is allowed present at your delivery.

What if you wanted to bring your folks to his colonoscopy? You are cracking jokes at him while he is having pain and discomfort, maybe then would he be more understanding.

Don't leave it to him to be the one to ask his mother not to be present. You will have to be the one to specify. If she has a problem with that, he problem not yours. Trust me, I've had enough issues with the MIL to make up for just about everyone.

Anyhow, even if you ask him, he will never do it, so don't get your hopes up. Men are retarded when it comes to their mother.

If she starts to ask questions explain that delivery is not an easy experience to amuse grandparents and guests. It is a private, emotional and spiritual expereince and if she doesn't see it that way that you feel very sorry for her.

Or just tell her it's your parents turn, she got to be at the last two.

That you need your husband present for you. "Husband cleave to your wives" meaning, part from your parents and be a part of the family you create. Not turn into a little boy who does what mommy needs him to do.

Whatever, I am so annoyed for you!

Lots of love,

J.

When I delivered my 2nd child, I asked my MIL to stay at my home and watch my daughter until I delivered and then they could bring her to the hospital to visit me and her new brother. This seemed to work as I made it seem like I preferred her to stay with my daughter rather than my parents. This made her feel needed and also kept her away from the delivery room so my mom could be there. Just present it in a way that makes her feel like you really need and want her help with your 3 year old. Good luck.

Personally, I would set it up with your Doctor and Hospital of choice that the only people who you want with you in the delivery room are YOUR Mom, Dad and husband, along with the required staff. Everyone else has to wait in the waiting room if they come. It used to be that no one (including husbands and parents) were allowed to be anywhere but the waiting room, so I'm sure if you make that requirement in writing no one will be able to circumvent it. I also wouldn't let DH know that you specified that on the paperwork, just in case he might be the type to try to get that changed later on (not that most would, but then again, when his Mom being there is on the line, you never know).

Good luck!
A.

Don't feel bad about not wanting anyone there. With my first I had been in labor along time and then had an emergency csection by the time I came out from recovery everyone was gone. I was so mad that everyone in his familiy had seen my baby before me and then no one waited to see me. Good God he got all the congratulations (like he did all the work) and I go nothing. With my second it was a sched c section and close to the same thing happened but not as bad. So when it was time to have my third I just (very nicely) told everyone that I wanted it to be just me and my husband and no one was allowed to be at the hospital until I said it was ok. I also had a note made (for both my second and third) to post on the puside of my door saying no visitors. This was time for just me hubby and siblings and of course new baby. Surprisingly nobody had any problems with it. Of course with my third (not sure if this was because it was my third) not as many visitors came up to see us. But that was really ok with me most waited until we got home. Don't be afriad to speak your mind this is your time and your family (DH and child) and you cn make any rules you want in the delivery room. Just tell them it was too much for you last time and this time you want to have it different and you will have some one call them when the time is right for them to come visit. Good Luck

Stand your ground! Its what you have to do, come hell or high water. And you can tell the nurses to have people leave and they will make the unwelcome people go. If it is what you want then it is what you want, and it should be because it is your child. I had everyone leave except my daughters father when it was time for delivery, and I told them to not come in until I was moved to the maternity floor, and that did not happen, there was still blood on the floor and they were comning in! But if I ever have another one I will not be taken advantage of, I want that little bit of time for intimate first moments with baby and parents. Stand your ground, do not be afraid to speak up. Do it nicely at first, and f they do not understand, explain calmly, and if they still don't, give them time. Keep the lines of communication open as long as it is calm. If things start to get loud or crazy, excuse yourself nicely and tell them you are willing to talk about it other time when they are willing as well.

I had a similar situation w/ my 4 yo was born. My MIL wanted to be there, but my doctor said "only 2 people" I wanted my hubby and my mom. I found her other things to be responsible for and it kept her out of the room until AFTER he was born. Maybe you could have her keep your son at home. Just a thought.

Girl, I know what you're going through! Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws... but I felt pretty uncomfortable with my first child & learning to breastfeed with my FIL in the room. Weird! My husband was in Afghanistan for that baby, so I think they felt like I NEEDED them to be there because my husband couldn't. So our second child was the first birth he'd ever seen. For that one I just said that I didn't want ANY visitors until the day after I gave birth. I explained that I wanted Gabe to be able to enjoy it, and I also wanted our older child to be able to come in and meet his baby sister without cameras flashing in his face. So you could just say that you don't want any visitors until the next day... but tell your mom & dad that they can come in. Basically, it's YOUR hospital room... feel free to be bossy. ;-) And if you don't think they're going to honor your wishes... just don't call them when your water breaks! Just call your mom and tell her not to call the whole world before coming to the hospital. Congrats and good luck!

This will be YOUR DAY...you are entitled to have it as you want it. If your husband or your in-laws can't accept that ...it's their problem. If your hubby is understanding just explain to him that having his WHOLE family there stresses you out and makes the delivery more difficult. You should also try talking to her as an adult, be honest with her about how she made you feel at the last delivery. as a woman and a mother she should understand, I will Pray you have a calmer , more happy experience this go round, let me know if my advice helps

Oh I do know what you're talking about. I don't know what hospital you're delivering in, but the nursing staff at mine was awesome. When I first got there (now I had scheduled C sections) they said to let them be the bad guy. IF you don't want visitors, tell the nursing staff to not let anyone but your husband in. Usually they are good about honoring your wishes and saying you need rest and stuff so you don't have to be the one telling people to leave.

T.,
I read you story and was horrified. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell your husband if he doesn't talk to his MIL, you will. I know I would. You don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but give me a break, excuse me, give you a break, doesn't she remember how it was to have children?
Feeling for you,
Sandi D

The easiest way to handle this without anyone getting upset with you (that's the last thing you need when you are pregnant and going through labor/delivery). Whoever mentioned putting it in your birthplan is exactly right. Let the nurses/staff in the hospital know that you do not want anyone but your husband in the room with you. You can have them let anyone who wants to be in there (MIL or any family) that because of the difficulties you have had before, no one is allowed in there. Most of the hospitals will even take the "blame" themselves, and not let the guests know that it is your request. (I know the two hospitals in the area that I have delivered at will do this for you).

Hope this helps!

Hi T.,

I ditto Denise. Make it a positive. Your three year old needs Grandma while you're gone to the hospital. Let her know you trust HER to tend to his needs. My husband's family is a handful also, sometimes good, sometimes bad..but never sensitive to those special times.

You ask her to watch her precious Grandson and don't leave it to your husband. If she's not tickled, at least she'll be puffed up enough not to care, lol!

God Bless!

M.

Make sure your husband knows that your serious. Let him know when your trying to rest your MIL needs to respect that.

My MIL was really bad. When I had my second (both sced. Csection)she stayed with my son and took care of him overnight so my husband could be with me to help. My daughter was in NICU for a couple of days also so the first night I could not rest since I was worried about her and my son(first time without Mommy), also was not allowed to see her untill I was allowed out of bed. In the morning I got to see her and was assured that she was doing much better and would be fine. I was taken back to my room. MIL brought my son to the hospital so he could see everything was ok with mom and dad. He was a very active 2 yr old and I was tired since I had not slept yet. He took my son down to get lunch and to let him run around a little so I could rest. My MIL decides to stay with me. Nurse comes in checks me over and gets ready to leave when my MIL decides to talk to her about my last pregnancy and everything else, holding the nurse up so she was not able to leave the room and I was not able to sleep because she kept waking me up with questions. Husband comes back in and lets her know that she can take our son home for a nap. All right!Only then they say that I can go back in to see my daughter. Well of course I went to NICU to see her and they let me know that I can finally hold her for the first time since the few minutes when she was born. They put her in my arms. Next thing I know is my husband is taking her from me because I fell asleep and would have dropped her had he not been beside me. He took me back to my room. I was so upset that this happened (with my son I always new he was in my arms even when sleeping) My husband assured me that I was ok and not a bad mommy. I just needed so rest. I am so mad at MIL because I think that she should have let me sleep knowing what I had been through. If she had I would not have been so tired. My husband told me that had he known he would have taken her with him. From then on whenever he could he made sure MIL left me alone when I or the baby needed to rest.

You wouldn't believe how many people there are in situations just like yours. Luckily, my husband gets why I can't be around his mom and doesn't push it. Talk to your doctor. Most hospitals are more than happy to take the lead role in policing who is and isn't in the delivery room. They have no problem telling dear old mom-in-law to take it out to the waiting room. They will make it so that blame isn't focused on you and you won't have to deal with the stress of it. This is a time that is truly all about you until that baby comes out. Don't let anyone take that away. Talk to the nurses in the hospital at check in and let them know the situation and they will protect you from the stress that your mom in law causes you.

Like AJ B stated, let your doctor know your birthing plan and also let the nurse know immediately upon arrival to the hospital what your plans are in writing. Hand your nurse a list of who is allowed in the room. Most nurses will be more than understanding and do everything they can to keep those you don't want in the room out and they can make any excuse to keep them out. Good luck!

Upon arrival at labor and delivery, tell your nurse who you want in the room. If it is only your parents and husband, tell her plainly that you do not want anyone else in at any time under any circumstances. She should go to bat for you. I would caution you, however, if you allow your parents but not your in-laws in the room, you are asking for trouble. The amount of hostility that may result from that preceived slight will more than likely be huge! And since you have to deal w/your MIL for the rest of your life, that may not be the best place to put yourself in. You might be better off asking your nurse (and/or doctor) to establish a limit on visiting time; 10min a pop until you are about 8/9cen. then no one in but your mom and husband.

Before it comes to that, however, sit your husband down and revisit this issue w/him. Lovingly and calmly explain to him your hurt over the last time and your fears about this one. Tell him you need him to protect you from a reoccurance. Afterward, tell your MIL. Maybe the above actions won't be needed. Above all, make sure you are not harboring any unforgiveness toward either of them regardless of how they take your heartfelt pleas. Forgive them for the last time and resolve to maintain control over this next L&D. The nurses I've had (and I've had four children) have been more than willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I'm comfortable. If that meant barring my door, they would have. I'm sure yours will be just as good.

Good Luck!

Hi T.,
you know you have the say so of who you want in the room with you.. When my daughter was in labor her sister n law thought she was going to be in the room with her so she told the nurse and her Dr. who she wanted in the room with her. So if you don't want her in the room just tell the nurse that is taking care of you that you would like for her to wait in the waiting room until you deliver. That you only want your Mom and Husband in the room. That is what she did with her sister n law..
Let me know what you think about this..
S.

Wow, I thought I had it rough having to persuade the doctor day of to allow my mom, stepmom and MIL in the room. They have a 3 person rule at my hospital. You have two things you need to do, starting now. Step 1: start a campaign with your husband to encourage his thinking to mimic yours. IE, honey, would it not be wonderful to have family here after the baby is born. Honey, don't you think your mother would enjoy spending time with the newborn and baby after, it would be wonderful for her to visit after the baby is born...i could really use the help...And then closer to term, have a conversation with him about your concerns. Step 2: Talk To Your Doctor about your concerns. Tell them who you want in that room. Make them the bad guys. Have them write it in your chart. Contact the hospital ahead of time and re-iterate your request to the nursing staff and security.
On a separate note, you might want to provide your husband with some information on second hand smoke. How horrible for a little baby to have to cuddle up on a shirt that reaks of smoke. Its not good for their lungs, it can cause breathin problems. If he doesn't get it, bring a shirt for him to wear after delivery (make him change prior to pushing). That way the baby has a clean environment to cuddle on. Think about it, how many people do you know want to cuddle on a smoke?? I had this problem with relatives too, but I stuck to it.
Best Wishes