Dealing with the Inlaws

First off, don't tell her when you go into labor. And then don't call anhbody after the baby is born until after you are ready for visitors. It worked for me.

This sounds like my Mother. My husband hates how close we are because my mother always has to be doing something with us. I have learned to not answer the phone after 8. I just tell her that we go to bed early. She also is the kind of person who will just pop in. My husband hates that. So, I just tell my Mom that we are doing things with the inlaws and they stay away. My inlaws try to tell me how to raise my little one and I just say, ya everyone does things differently. This keeps them quiet.
Thanks
T.

Get caller ID on your phone and dont feel guilty about not answering it...when the baby gets home take the phone off the hook as people just have a knack to call as soon as you get the baby down and are settling in for a nap.

Tell the nurses you do not want visitors right away...normally people need to check in before they can come in your room. Set up your boundaries and dont be afraid to enforce them. Invite her/people over when you want them so you have more control over the situation.

Also, you will be extremely tired, so dont shut people out who want to help....just make it clear what you want and when you want people over.

Good luck!

Hi Janell,

This is a tough one...especially since I am the mother-in-law, too. My son and daughter-in-law are due in a little over a week...I am sooooo excited!!!! I have tried very hard not to give too much advice, and will have to work twice as hard after the baby is born because I've been working with children for over 28 years, and it tends to upset me when parents don't think about what is best for their baby. Anyway, I understand where your mother-in-law is coming from, but there is no way I would call my daughter-in-law everyday to give her advice. My advice is to just sit down and talk with her...let her know how you feel...I believe in being honest and upfront.

Congratulations on having a baby!!!!

C.

Consider talking to your hubby beforehand about waiting to make the "baby is here" calls until after you are okay w/having visitors. You could factor in drive time when considering when to start making calls. With my first child, I worked a 12-hour day, then went into labor and labored all night, baby born at 6am... then inlaws came and stayed at the hospital w/us visiting for about 4 hours. I didn't sleep until the afternoon that day, and in all the photos my eyes are shut or shutting!

The big thing is to talk to your husband about wanting family bonding time, how this is important to you. Don't make your inlaws the focus of your conversation! Mention you want to wait a few hours for you to recover from labor and to enjoy the baby. Mention specifically to wait on the phone calls - my husband always called from the labor room immediately after the baby was born.

To soften the blow (if your MIL is set on being there the first hour of baby's life), you could assign a special job - suggest a Birth Day Cake. MIL can make it and bring it for everyone to share in the hospital, can decorate it all special and have a zero candle (can buy at Cub or any cake deco store). That will give her something to do to contribute and help make a memory.

Don't worry about the birth, it will be fine. If you feel her calls are making you anxious, consider what would make you feel better... a cup of tea, excusing yourself from the calls early, or limiting how many of her calls you take. Good luck!

I would stop answering the phone all together. I never answer the home phone during the day anyway so that wouldn't be an issue for me but if you have an answering machine/voicemail let her leave messages all day long. This is your first baby and you need time to enjoy him/her. If your husband won't help you deal with her, you need to stand up for yourself and tell her she's crossing the line and needs to back off.

I totally understand where you are coming from. My mother-in-law is actually pretty great but I still wanted time alone without anyone except hubbie and baby for a while after birth. It didn't work out that way for me and I still have a smidgen of regret about it. I feel like her constant lurking during birth, in recovery and at my house every day for two weeks made my first efforts at nursing more stressful than they needed to be.

Ask the hospital staff to help you out. Have them post a "No Vistors" sign at your door in L & D. Make sure your records have this wish attached to them. Let the hospital staff know you'd prefer no visitors until at least 2-3 post-delivery. Don't even let your MIL make the hospital staff ask you "pretty please can I come in" because then you will cave in and say yes.

talk to your dr before having the baby. tell them that you don't want visitor's until you say your ready, they will comply with this. that is one of the first questions they asked me when i talked to the maternity counselour. during your stay at the hospitial if you are tired or the baby is sleeping and you don't want anyone there just tell the nurse and they will make sure nobody visits you until your ready. same goes at home, if you don't want anybody there tell them nicely that your ready to be alone or don't answer the phone or the door. but at the same time be sure to thank the mil for everything and reassure her that if you need someone she will be the first one you call... and maybe call her when you have time to give the updates or ask for help when you need it and it will make her more comfortable and she will leave you alone more if she knows you will come to her and she wont be pushed out. even if the calls are the baby ate every couple of hours and is sleeping well, she will hopefully be comforted. congrats on your baby.

She may not even be aware that she is annoying - so have a nice cup of tea and a heart to heart talk. Be kind, and lay down some boundaries. Make sure you have your husband's support. If you can, have him present to give authority to your words. Tell her how much you love and appreciate her attention, but that you just need a bit more space. Make sure she and others realize what you expect for the first few days and weeks after the baby comes. A baby, like a marriage, is a community activity, no matter what we might think. Everyone has an emotional stake in how things go. Be glad you have someone who wants to be involved - many women don't have anyone! But be firm in your resolve to set reasonable boundaries (call before visiting, no interrupting naptimes - for you or the baby!, etc.) and stick to them, but with grace and forgiveness. Your mother in law may not have personal boundaries or she may just be too excited to think clearly - don't we all have that problem from time to time? Be kind, take a deep breath and thank God that you have family.

SAHM of seven

I'm on my second mother-in-law and they all seem to be the same! Ugh! :)
I agree in telling the hospital about not allowing anyone to visit until YOU say you are ready. That will help.
Also -- be frank with her. Honestly is the key and if you come right out and tell her that you feel she is invading and being too pushy and/or involved -- she will appreciate the honestly. If she doesn't, then you know its her doing and not yours.
I would also very bluntly tell your hubby that he needs to back you up on this...and step up to the plate. The MIL may be hurt, but she will back down.
And then -- call her up once you are home and settled and ask her if she wants to come over and have a special day with just her and her grandchild...and give her a few hours alone with the baby to do what she wants to do. You can take a nap or go shopping, etc. That will calm both of you.
Good luck!!!

Try and figure out why she wants to be so involved. There are probably a coule things that you could do that would give her the "fix" that she need.

I struggled with my MIL for years. She seemed invasive and pushy. Finally I realized that she just feels a sense of panic to be close to her kids. Her parents died when she was a brand new mother and she truly just wants to keep her family close.

If we call her at least once a week and send her pictures. She's good. I don't want to get into what she has done, bc I just need to forgive her and move on....but it was pretty out of control.

Once we realized what was motivating her actions, and what would help her feel validated....I now have the best MIL anyone could ask for. She has become one of my dearest friends.

In your case specifically...

Invite her to the hospital when you want her to come. Set her up for success.

Only talk about topics regarding the baby that your comfortable discussing.

you have lots of years ahead of you. Figure out some rules and stick to them. Truthfully, only you can teach her how to be the kind of MIL that works for you. IMHO she'll be happier knowing that she is helping.

Lots of good advice for you out there. For the immediate hours/minutes/seconds after your baby is born, I suggest using the nurses....they can be the ones that tell every one AT THE DOOR that the new mom and dad want the first hour to be spent with their new little family. Just tell the nursing staff what you want them to say to family and they'll do it. Also, if you find that you have too many visitors after that, just call a nurse with some excuse (need help in the bathroom or something)and then tell her privately to make an excuse to make all the visitors leave. There's all kinds of "medical" reasons to clear a room. In a word, LIE.
Follow all the other great advice given here for after you get home
Good luck

Hello,
As far as the 1st few hours or so are concerned 1) rest assured u probably won't remember much in the 1st few hours after-even without medication-and the bonding time will be inter dispersed with different tests, 2) a lot of times the hospital will run interference for you especially if u get to whisper in a nurses ear before your mother-in-law comes in, 3) remember to be nice as hard as it may be u may need her to babysit one day and finally 4)your baby knows u ur voice ur scent and everything about u ur bonded regardless of who get on ur nerves in the first hour or so and after everyone has left and for many hours it will just be the 3 of you
But that's just me
A.

Hi there!

First of all, congratulations and good luck with your first birth experience, it is so exciting!!

My advice is to set limits ASAP, let her know how things are going to be (and in a perfect world you and your hubby agree on this)ahead of time. For example, my MIL started talking about wanting to "be there" immediately when I got pregnant and I knew that I did not want her in the room or even at the hospital until we had had enough time to bond with our baby. So, as the date got closer, we just told her how it would work. Something along the lines of, "we prefer that noone be at the hospital until we give you a call and invite you to come, we will certainly call and keep you posted on the progress and you will know ASAP when the baby arrives." She was a little disappointed, but got over it quickly and it was not a problem.

You are probably dealing with expectations she has based on her involvement with the other two grandchildren, so the sooner you let her know that everyone does things differently and you are most comfortable with things "like this......." For me, it always works to say, "this is just the way WE prefer to parent, everyone does things differently, and this is what WE have decided!" Since it is your MIL, at least for me, it has been critical that all decisons are "WE" decisions and not "ME" to avoid me being alienated or blamed, etc.

It has really worked out very well for us, we have two children now and things have gotten much, much easier as time has gone by and we have settled into being parents and they have settled into being grandparents.

Don't stress about it, concentrate on your baby and making his/her arrival the best day you can!!!

Good luck!

Hi Janell

Generally my inlaws and parents are great, but There have been times when they have tried to get a little too involved as well. And I have observed some similar situations.
My main piece of advice is that you have to have your husband on board with you. Explain to him in a calm voice what is bothering you about your mother-in-law, and ask him for his support. his first responsibility is to you and your child and not to his mother. Really he needs to be the one to tell her to back off of his own family a little bit, but if you end up being the one he needs to support you 100%.
whatever is done, be respectful but firm. Keep in mind that it will be very difficult to control your emotions with a new baby around (even more so than now). make up your mind ahead of time to bite your tongue if you're about to lash out in anger, however, there is nothing wrong with calmly asserting yourself for the good of your family. Deal with the present situation at hand and as they come and try not to barrage with issues from the past- that can quickly become a nightmare! if she is still offended, there's nothing much you can do. both you and your husband need to take care of your family first. Hopefully she will come around.

I didn't have time to read all the responses so you've probably gotten this advice already but... the nice thing about labor is that nobody knows when it will start (unless you have a C-Section scheduled). We called my mother as soon as I went into labor with my first and then she proceeded to call me every 20 minutes for hours and hours to see if I had the baby and didn't tell her. Unfortunately, my labor was 17 hours! My advice is to tell nobody when you go into labor. Wait until a couple of hours after the baby is born, or until you're ready to talk. They won't know the difference and may actually be happy with the nice surprise and the fact that they didn't have to worry all day long! As far as her giving you "advice" for the rest of the baby's life...good luck:)

To keep your sanity after your baby is born, you need to get someone who is an outsider on your side on the same page to handle your mother-in-law. If you are birthing in the hospital, inform the nurse who is working with you that you wish to be left alone for the first few hours after your baby is born, that includes family, friends, and especially your mother-in-law. If you are birthing somewhere other than a hospital, see if you can't find a friend who could do that dirty work. If there was more time, I'd definitely recommend hiring a Doula. Think about a Doula for next time :)

After that, I can't really help you :p

Hi Janell,
I didn't read all of the posts but it looks like you have some good advice. You'll need those first few hours by yourself. Explain to your husband now exactly how you expect things to go at the hospital...you two and the nurses/doc and after the delivery you guys and the baby. Then be sure to tell your nurse that you don't want visitors. Even though my in-laws aren't the meddling kind (too much) i certainly didn't want them in my room during labor! My water broke at midnight and i had to be at the hospital within 2 hours due to the Strep B virus. My dh called our parents around 7am but by the time my il's got there i was then ready to start pushing. The nurses stopped them at the door and told them no visitors now. Three hours later they could hear the baby but it was a few hours before we were 'done.' You have to deliver the placenta, then they clean you and the baby up a bit. After a while they had me get up and take a shower and brush my teeth then i had lunch and fed my son. While i was in the shower my hubby did take our son into the hall to meet them for a few minutes. Maybe yours could do the same. I had him at 11:15 am but it was late afternoon before they came into my room. It was nice to be alone. Plus if you are nursing you don't need people around those first few times! Good luck and congratulation:)

I had to laugh because I had the same worries with my own MIL (whose name happens to be Janell!). I worried even more about my own mother. Here's what we did: we didn't call anyone to announce the birth until the placenta was "born". We had a home birth, so the placenta was allowed to come at its own pace which was 2 hours after the baby was born. In fact, we didn't call anyone until a good 3 to 4 hours after the birth. Let your husband know your wishes if this seems like a good idea to you. That way, your bonding time is undisturbed. And you probably will remember it. :)

Once you get home, post a note on the door (and the fridge, bedroom door, bathroom door, etc.) stating that mommy and baby are probably either sleeping or tired and to please be courteous and limit your visit to half hour or so.

Lastly, for your own peace of mind, your own attitude will probably turn slightly softer....more loving, peaceful, and forgiving after the birth, so you may not mind quite as much when the MIL is there. Give your husband the all important manly job of being your protector. He is your fortress wall, so to speak, defending against "intruders." Most men are happy to stand up in such an important role.

I'm so excited for you! Congrats to the soon-to-be mommy!

Does your husband want her there right away??? I just had my second baby in May and we had no visitors at the hospital besides our daughter (who is 2), my sister and my parents. None of them came until several hours after our son was born. In my opinion, you and your husband will want (and need) those first hours alone with your baby. I would tell your husband that it's important to you to have time alone with your new family right after birth and that you should wait to decide about visitors until after your baby is born. Once everyone is settled in, you can call and let people know you are ready for visitors. You could also tell the hospital staff not to allow visitors until you give the go-ahead.

With our first, we also wanted the first few hours uninterrupted after the baby was born. We decided not to tell anyone when I went into labor, and even though I was in labor all day and was one day past our due date, we told all family who called that day that nothing had changed, so only had the "one" call from each side '"checking" on our progress. I labored through the night and ended up with a C-section early in the morning for a tight cord around the babies neck, but he did just fine. We did not place the first calls until that morning which was about 2-3 hours after our baby was born and then it took a bit for anyone to arrive so we had the first hours to ourselves and preferred it that way. We told family afterwards that we weren't sure I was actually in labor yet since it was our "1st" baby and didn't want to sound a false alarm. It worked well for us as otherwise I think we would have had family "at the hospital" waiting while I was in labor and it would have been harder to keep the first few hours to ourselves which was important to us for our own bonding time. I also agree that you can stress to the hospital your desires and they should restrict visitors until you say you are ready.
Congratulations and best wishes!!
T.

Make your wishes well known to the hospital staff. They will be your first line of defense. Also, your husband needs to stand behind you on this one. Your MIL is more likely to listen if it comes from him. He should talk to her ASAP to avoid a scene at the hospital.
This is your first child, you may be in labor for some time. Is it okay for her to stay with you while your husband gets a bite to eat? With my first they wouldn't let me eat anything all day. I was not happy when my husband had his food delivered to the room. He didn't eat in front of me but I could still smell it.
On the other side of things, be gratefull that your MIL cares. You don't know how lucky you are to have somebody to look out for you, somebody that can be of great help. She will be there when you need somebody to take care of the baby when needed. When you have another baby she will probably more than happy to take care of the first one while you are at the hospital.
Good luck!

Honey, we could talk DAYS on this subject. I've been married 15 years and my MIL still drives me close to drink. She has never changed, she is a busy body know it all. SHe only speaks to correct. It's pretty bad..my BP is going up thinking about it. Well, she was just here for 2 wks. My kids are way old now, and I still do everything wrong. SHe even tries to re arrange our seating order in restaurants. Maybe you have advise for me?????? Wish I could help you. GOOd luck. I'll watch to see what other responses you get...i need help,too! love and kisses. Wish I knew you, every one I know loves their MIL.

Janell,
You are about to experience the most amazing thing you will probably ever experience. My advice is to do it on your own terms. I would clear the air now so there will be no anxiety on your special day. Talk to your husband and make SURE he knows what you want. It is his responsibility to see to it that his family follows your wishes. My advice would be to not have any family there for the first several hours (don't call them until you are ready for visitors). You will want that precious baby to yourself, and you wil be bombarded with medical staff as it is. Imagine also how traumatic it will be for the baby to be getting passed around. She will want her Mommy and Daddy, the voices she knows. Also, if you intend to breastfeed it is important to get that going right away, and a little privacy is nice. As far as dealing with your MIL after the baby comes home I would suggest just taking it one day at a time, and see if your MIL gets worse or better. Just concentrate on getting your little baby here safely for now. Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope your MIL refrains from medeling.
Tess

Considering how far along you are, you need to talk to your husband NOW. 1st things 1st--the time after the birth. I'm not going to get into it, but my MIL is just awful! I had the same concern about her barging in right after our son was born--she wanted to be in the waiting room during the birth. I was definitely opposed, and thankfully so was dh. My labor was really fast, so it ended up not being a problem, but we had planned to simply not call anyone until a little while after our baby was born. That way nobody was hanging out in the waiting room. You can also let the dr/nurses know that you don't want visitors and they'll keep them away.

As far as after the baby comes, you and your husband are going to need to set up boundaries IMMEDIATELY. Don't let her walk all over you. You are going to be tired and have a ton going on. Stop answering calls--you have a legit reason! And when she comes by make it clear what she can do and how long she can stay. It'll be a ton easier if you can get your hubby on board!

Good luck!!!

At the hospital - tell your nurses that you want to limit the time visitors stay. They can help get visitors out of there after a reasonable time. Make sure you talk with your husband that you want the first few hours to be with just the three of you! (It is totally awesome!)

At home - just don't answer your phone - let it go to VM. Call back when you have time. You are a new mom - tell her that you need to sleep when the baby sleeps and you don't always know when that will be.

So those are the ways to avoid unwanted contact. BUT, remember she loves her son and YOU and your new baby. She is just trying to help. Think of things she can do for you - like make dinner, do laundry, clean a bathroom, go to the post office, etc. Then let her help you with the baby by using time when she's holding the baby to take a shower, take a nap, write some thank you notes, etc. And then be very appreciative. I think it helps a lot that she can feel like she is being helpful and feels like you appreciate it.

I know how it is. I love my MIL, but she can drive me up the wall sometimes. Agree with some of the other posts that you can just say everyone does things differently. Good luck and CONGRATS on the new baby!!!

Wow- everyone sure has different experiences... I, fortunately, have wonderful in-laws and I know my MIL goes to the extreme to be anything but invasive, etc. They retired out of state, so were not here when our first child was born. I was induced, and my parents, sister and her children were at the hospital keeping us company late afternoon into the early evening (I got the epidural at 2:45 pm and never felt a thing after that)- they went back to our house at about 9:00 pm, and we called them once I started pushing. They came back and waited in the waiting room until our little one was born, and as it was about 12:30 am, it was SO wonderful and thrilling for us to have them there to share it with! We were on such a high... and had a ton of visitors the next two days before we went home. Regardless of visitors, I got almost no sleep as we were so excited, not to mention the constant parade of nurses and hospital staff!

The day we got home, however, they arrived into town. This is when I was looking forward to a little R&R... they arrived around 7 pm and thought they were going to visit then head to my husband's sister's house, but instead, they stayed that night- and were with us during their two week visit. It wasn't the end of the world, but was never asked if I wanted the first night at home to be just my husband, son and I... don't think it ever crossed my mind. My Mom also planned to come stay and help out, but felt like it was too crowded with everyone, so didn't. I really wanted that with my first child, and didn't get that. I try to be grateful that my family was there upon the birth... which was truly special.

We're now expecting twins within the next three weeks... they're currently on their way (visiting family on the drive out) and expect them next weekend. Not sure who will all be at the hospital this time, if anyone, pending when and how I go into labor. While I definitely understand the difference between the mother/daughter bond vs. MIL, I'm sure she's just excited. Just because it's her son's child vs. her daughter's, I'm sure she's no less thrilled. This time, my mother is coming for 1-2 weeks and I've told my husband that when she is there, his parents can visit but my mom will be the only house guest. I think he was little hurt at first, but as it turns out, his parents are coming for an extended period and will be in their own townhome for 3-4 months, so they'll have their own space.

I'd talk to your husband, but try not to lose sight of the joy of the event- and not get so caught up on how things will go. It's magical, and if you can go with the flow, it'll be a special time you'll never forget. Good luck!

I have been married now for 8 yrs & I can tell you my relationship with my MIL isn't perfect but has gotten better. Our first baby was the first grandchild for both grandmas (be thankful she has 2 other grandkids) because I joke now that if I didn't nurse him I wouldn't have held him that first month. She tried to be 'helpful', she was worried that I would fall while showering or get weak, or need help etc, so she came over every day at about noon for the 1st 2 weeks we were home & would stay until my mom came over after work. But she didn't really take care of me, I still had to make myself lunch, etc, she just held the baby & if he was asleep 3hrs after he nursed last, she would say, "but you can't wake a sleeping baby". she did volunteer to do a load of laundry one day, but took the load of clean whites that I had only had time to put on top of the dyer & rewashed those, at least that made me laugh when I figured out what she had done. We had issues nursing for the first week or so. She kept telling me that the mom she shared a room with when she had dh had a heck of a time nursing & her milk didn't come in, so it is OK if I couldn't nurse & I should give him a bottle (she didn't nurse her babies) I finally dh that he needed to talk to her. That was the best thing I did. she came over the next day & was trying to offer suggestions for helping me nurse, what a 180, lol. Then a week or so laterI asked him to let her know she didn't have to come over all afternoon. I finally had a day to bond with & nurse my baby. Now he is almost 7 & his nearly 5 yr old brother is more of a mama's boy (in a good way) than he is. Ds#1 really is Grandma's boy (it doesn't matter which grandma really). So you need to have dh in your corner - he can tell her things without offending her like you would - you are going through a LOT & don't need extra stress of MIL or feeling like you need to entertain you MIL while you should be resting. Good luck.

Tell the hospital staff, "no visitors, no exceptions" for the first x number of hours after delivery. (Plus, you might fall asleep like I did! Maybe no visitors for 24 hours would be better :)

When you go home, put a message on the phone machine that says "We had the baby, we're fine, we're resting, leave your name and number and we'll call you back in a few days". Then turn the ringer off! If you want to see somebody, YOU call THEM!

You can lock the door and ignore people who try to drop in by just not answering it- or put up a sign on your door that says: baby sleeping, leave a note. and leave a pen and notepad out there. People will get the idea.

Best of luck getting the privacy that you need. You may want to call your In-laws BEFORE you go into labor, explaining that once you go into labor, your husband will call them and keep them updated, and when he calls, they can set up a specific day and time to come visit that is far enough out on the calendar to you.

BTW, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

My sister basically did that- she and her hubby and baby secluded themselves inside their house for 2 weeks and nobody was allowed to visit. I totally did not understand that, because I was totally opposite and wanted everybody to come visit right away, but we all respected her wishes.

First of all, pray for your mother-in-law. I did that when my Mom was with me for a month during a pregnancy. It helped immensely. Secondly, realize that she's just trying to be helpful. When you're a Mom you need to feel needed. Her son has grown up, now there's a reason to be needed again. Thirdly, you'll need to explain very lovingly that you and your husband need some space and want to have bonding time. Pray that God will help you come up with a word picture that will connect with her.

Try to put it into neutral, or you'll strip some gears. Your husband isn't bothered by his mother, because he loves her. Realize that someday you'll be a mother-in-law. Try to relax. I pray that God will help you.

R.

My mother-in-Law was the same way when I was pregnant. she wouldn't let me carry anything over 3 pounds. She told me things like: Reaching up high would wrap the umbilical cord around my baby's neck, wearing high heels would send me into labor early, and constantly watched that I ate several servings of fruits and veggies. When it came to the birth of our son, we simply told her and my own mother that we wanted the first few days to be bonding time for just the three of us. We encourged them to come to the hospital for a visit, but that we also needed some alone time to get a routine down and figure things out for ourselves. Both parents respected this and we were able to become confident in our own parenting abilities. Unfortunatly they never stopped giving advise, but we are able to tell them, "Well, this works for us".

Janell~
I had the same issue with my MIL- it seems most of your responses have! My husband and I talked about it and agreed that no one would be at the hospital waiting for the baby to be born. We went in at 8am and our daughter wasn't born untill 6:38pm. I was induced so unfortunately she knew we were going in that morning. My huband told her we would call as soon as our little one arrived. Nonetheless my MIL called while I was in the middle of labor! My hubby was not too happy about that and he told her about it! When we were ready for visitors we called every one and invited them to come to the hospital. Needless to say my mother in law didn't even show up until 9pm and overstayed her welcome. I was dying to get into the tub and relax but she just hung around. I stayed put (in my nice warm relaxing bath)until she finally decided to leave! Again she was back Sunday morning and again waiting for us at the doors when we were ready to leave the hospital Monday! My advice would be discuss it with your husband and let him know how important it is that just the 2 of you share this together! Also advize the hospital you don't want visitors until a certian time and they should also be able to filter the calls into your room. Until your little one arrives, I would screen my calls at home, there is no reason for you to get stressed out now, you have a big day coming up and you need all the rest you can get!
Congratulations on the arrival of your little one and best of luck with everything!
~T.:)

I understand! First thing, talk with your hubby and make the decision when relatives will actually be called...while you are in labor, in the delivery room, or my suggestion, maybe an hour after you've delivered. I ended up with a c-section after the day in regular labor and I wished the in-laws hadn't been there....They all ended up holding my beautiful daughter before I was able to since I had to stay in the recovery room for quite awhile. We are now pregnant with twins and I can tell you things WILL be different this time around.

There's nothing wrong with having some family time set aside to cry those wonderful tears of joy to celebrate your first child with your hubby and just him!

We waited 4 years for the birth of our first child, so I really understand :)

....and it always seems the mom and mil aways have lots of tid bits for you, but from when they were moms...20+ years ago. Things have really changed. Take everything in and then decide what will work best for you, baby and your hubby. Not all advice is good, nor will it work for you. Lots is trial and error...Don't get yourself all worked up, just tell her thank you and she doesn't have to know if you use any of it or not :) (wink, wink!)

Good luck and congrats ahead of time...your life will never be the same, but I promise you, it will be better....

I would sit down with your husband, let him know how you are feeling and what you want, and tell him that he really needs to talk to her and let her know how you feel. If he doesn't, then take her out for lunch or something and tell her how you feel in a nice calming way. Just let her know that since this is your first baby, it is really important to you that its just you and your husband in the delivery room and you do not want anyone else in until you are ready.. My mother in law was thinking that she was going to be in the room with me with my first and I told her that she is more then welcome to be there while I am in labor but as soon as it is time to start pushing, she had to leave the room, and she could come back in after I deliver when I was ready. She was ok with that..
As for the calling everyday. Maybe get a caller id and just not answer the phone everytime. Its mean, but you can only take so much.. She probably means well but you can only take so much. You also might want to tell her that you need to learn somethings on your own, and that everychild is different and no one child will do the same thing, learn the same way, or speak the same first words. Tell her you don't mind the suggestions once in a while but you need to learn on your own as well.

I hate to tell you this, but it's only going to get worse once the baby is born. Unless you speak up. My MIL is very involved and she uses guilt to get her way. She has a drinking problem and my husband will do anything she wants just to keep her happy to try to prevent her from drinking. Our daughter is 14 months old now and he's just now getting to the point where he understands how stressful this can be for me and how unhappy it makes me. The situation with his mother made my post-partum depression so much harder to deal with because I could never ask for time alone with my husband and baby and I never felt I could ask for what I needed.

If you want things to get any better, there's something to keep in mine. MEN ARE DUMB. Seriously, men don't get subtlety or remarks made in passing. It will go in one ear, out the other. You need to sit down with your husband and calmly and firmly explain how his mother is making you feel and what exactly you want and expect from him following the birth of your child. If you want his family to wait a few days to visit, then make sure you tell him that. You also need to tell him that his mother is making comments that you don't appreciate and let him know that HE needs to tell her that while her advice is appreciated, the two of you are capable of asking for it when you want it. If that doesn't work, you may need to actually tell your MIL yourself that you appreciate her input, but you and her son have your own way of doing things and you need to be allowed to find your own way as parents. As long as you're gentle, but firm with her, you should avoid alienating anyone.

Just hang in there and make sure you're speaking up when things are bothering you.

I too have an overbearing MIL. I agree with a lot of responses regarding telling the hospital staff that you don't want any visitors & post a sign. I wish I would have done that. Talk to your husband and explain exactly how you feel and exactly what YOUR needs are. And if neither of you wants to address the issue head on, perhaps the two of you agree not to call anyone about the birth until a few hours later. That way no one will be able to disturb your first few hours as a family. I know some people will disagree and think you need to be upfront with her & spell things out, but I also know how my MIL would react to that and since you've got enough stress already, sometimes it's better not to add to it. I'm rooting for you! I've been there and I know it isn't an easy situation.

Good luck!

This is an issue which can best be dealt with by setting healthier boundaries with your mother-in-law. You can get caller I.D. on your phone so you can avoid answering it when she calls (do you have voice mail? Turn the ringer off and let it go to voice mail). Perhaps you and your husband could choose to have the baby without notifying anyone and when you are ready for visitors, make that phone call to her. I think mainly you've got to get your husband on the same page as you because it is he and his mother with the boundary issue and he needs to set better boundaries with her; this is truly a loving thing for a husband to do for his wife. When you are pregnant you need your own space. Do what you can to get this space or the stress could harm both you and/or the baby. Congratulations and I hope you get the peace you deserve!!

We didn't have issues so much with the labor and delivery, since our family is not close enough to be super-invasive...but...since our child was first grandkid on both sides, we have learned to set up rules for each visit: these are the rules that really matter (nobody can break them, not even grandma), these are the rules we enforce at home but that can be broken at grandma and grandpa's house (bedtime is one of those for us), these are the things we don't care about. The discussion is different for both sides of the family, knowing that my parents treat our children differently than his parents. My parents push some issues, his push others, so we always sit down before a big visit and try to anticipate what the "issues" are going to be. He is not vocal with his family (I am, though) and while that's not ideal, I do know that they understand that I am speaking for the both of us and they can respect that.

Before I went into the hospital to deliver my son, my husband and I sat down and wrote a mass e-mail to our families (I have a very "involved" large family, and he has a mother that drives me insane). In the letter we let everyone know that we were being induced on a certain day in a particular hospital. We thanked them for their past and future support, but made sure they understood that we would like our privacy during our hospital stay and first week at home. With the exception of my mom, who was at the birth, we had a quiet few days to get to know this amazing new human being we were going to share our lives with. My MIL was very upset, but it was not her day, and I didn't feel bad in the least. You are about to go through one of the most amazing and intense experiences of your life, you need to be able to focus all of your energy on helping your baby into this world. You don't need any distractions, especially those that are so negative. Best wishes.

Overinvolved Mother-in-law.... boy do I know that! In my situation, my parents are very uninvolved, so my husband and I come from completely opposite situations and both of us are used to the type of involvement we get from our respective families. This made it really hard for him to understand why I didn't "want his family there".

I made the mistake with our first child of not speaking up and making sure he understood EXACTLY what I wanted.... and I mean exactly. Like, I don't want anyone but us to be with the baby for 2 hours and then, I don't want any visitors to our home for 3 days, etc.

His mother was at the hospital 20 mins after she was born and come to our house within a day of us coming home (I had a hard delivery, so playing host was not an option) My postpartum depression got terrible and I was miserable.

Cut to 3 years later... Our second child is due this Sept. He knows exactly what I will and will not accept and it is HIS responsibility to make sure that HIS family also understands it.

This may all sound harsh, but this is MY FAMILY not hers, and he understands and respects my position.

Just be vocal and honest.

In all honesty you have to ask for your space! It is such an amazing experience with your first child. I just had mine on may 3rd. Tell her to back off. It is vital that you stay positive and are not through the roof with anxiety. It goes right to the baby. Just don't answer the phone take a nice warm shower or bath and relax the next few days. After the delivery you will be used to people coming in and out (hospital staff) and you will not want too many visitors in. They usually hold you for 48 hours to make sure you and baby are good to go. After you get home all you will want to do is rest and spend time with your family! Take it easy and if anyone is bugging you remember all you have to do is say this is my house and if I want some peace I am entitled to it!!!

Unfortunately this happens all the time. You need to TELL your husband that this is a big deal to you (husbands don't always understand what we're going through). When you are admitted to the hospital, you can tell them that no one is allowed to visit until _____such and such a time. That means NO ONE but you and your husband. You could even not have any visitors at the hospital at all, and only have visitors once you get home... that way when people come to visit, they will be more apt to help you with stuff around the house that you can't get to, as well as see the baby. You don't have to give any explanation either to your mother-in-law, it's your baby, not hers.

i feel your pain girl!

my mother in law probably wasnt as bad about telling me what to do and stuff, but she would NOT LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

tell all the nurses when you check into the hospitol that you want NO and i repeat NO visitors. they have a way of just lying or telling people you are sleeping, or whatever. you DO NOT HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITY TO BE FORCED TO VISIT OR ALLOW ANYONE ELSE TO VISIT!!!

stand firm on this. i didnt and i ended up having my mother in law in my room with me EVERY DAY i was in the hospitol. (i was only there 2 days but still) then she was over at our house EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK!!!! drove me absolutly NUTS!
she video taped us getting into the car when we left, and getting home and stuff... and it was just like, GET AWAY!! what makes it worse is that she will NEVER let us have the tape of all the stuff she taped.... so why bother taping it!!! >:(

anyway, what she expected when she came over every day that first week, was that i would let her watch my son while i slept. YEAH. RIGHT.
emotions, hormones, i finally "gave in" and went to my room to sleep and left my son out there with her, and i spent more time crying (1 hour) that i did sleeping (maybe 45 minutes at most) so it wasnt like i got any rest. i was terrified that he would wake up out there without me, and be scared because i wasnt around... babies dont understand that they are separate from mom, all they've ever known was moms scent, sounds, etc... so its very scary for the first few months.

so anyway, talk to your husband NOW and tell him that you DONT want any visitors (if you change your mind you can always allow them later) and once you go home you dont want any visitors then either..
and dont feel guilty about it! i spent more time angry that she wouldnt leave me alone than i did relaxing. i finally told my husband that she cant keep coming over, and he said something to his dad (cuz he cant tell his mom those things either) and i dont know what his dad would have said (you know the mother of ray on everybody loves raymond? thats my mother in law. very offended, very controlling...) but anyway, the visits finally stopped.

it would have been a completely different story if she had come over to do dishes, cook a meal, do housecleaning, that sort of thing, and let me be mom to my new baby. but she didnt. she didnt even OFFER to do anything like that. it was rude, and just made me angry. and basically our relationship has not been good since.

so in order to save your sanity and any relationship you and your mother in law may have, STAND YOUR GROUND!!

as for the giving of constant advice, tell her your doctor, your husband and you have talked about it and decided you are going to do it this way... or whatever. when in doubt, blame it on the doctor.

and by the way, the best doctor i know is dr william sears... he has a website www.askdrsears.com and he has many books available to help you be able to follow your strong instincts, instead of ignoring them like so many of the older generation suggests... remember your instincts are the ones that matter most. no one knows your son as intimatly as his mother and father (or her i guess...) so you make the decisions, and NO ONE has permission to deny you that.

www.llli.org is the le leche league. they are a fantastic group! find a group in your area (check neighboring towns as well) and attend a few meetings. you cant replace the support they give any mom to raise her baby in a loving, safe, supportive, responsive way. :D
good luck!

If you're going to talk to her MAKE SURE your husband is behind you 110%. Your words will mean nothing if he's not backing you up. If she's been telling you what to do throughout your entire pregnancy chances are she's going to keep doing it once your little miracle gets here =) You may have to make it clear that this is YOUR child and you will raise them how you see fit.

On the flip side-- it sounds like she's just concerned about you and the baby. Especially since this is your first and it took you awhile to get pregnant. Good luck sweetie!

Oh, I feel your pain! I have three children, and with our first, unbeknownst to me at the time, my MIL and FIL were waiting in their car in the hospital parking lot – calling my husband on his mobile phone about every hour when I was in labor. Mind you, we had a plan in place, and as it was our first, I too wanted special time alone with our new daughter and my DH. I alerted the staff; I discussed it with my DH; I did it all. Needless to say, there she was, knocking on the door when I was still in post-op from my episiotomy! It was horrid.

Our second child was born unexpectedly at 32 weeks. She couldn’t be there ASAP as she was watching our daughter who my DH dropped off after getting me to the hospital. Our third? Well…she did it again. She was there minutes after I had him.

I’d like to say that I had things under control. I understand her desires also to be involved, but really, sometimes there is just no changing people. By number three, I let go of my feelings and just let her marvel (albeit minutes after birth) at her new grandchild.

It’s a hard situation, and if your DH is at all like mine, it may be harder. Hubby loves his momma to death and I really have to watch myself, because anything that I do say regarding mom-in-law seems to offend him. I simply pick my battles and well, I’ve lost too many to make too much out of little things any more.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your delivery. MANY congratulations.

Just calmly remind her that this is your baby now, and you are the baby's parent now. She was already a parent and so now it's your turn to make the same mistakes and successes she got the chance to make, so she needs to let you be a parent.

I had a similar conversation with my mom...and when my mom would but in, I'd just say, "Mom...I'm her mom...it's my turn to make mistakes...you already had your turn." She'll say, "Ok...sorry." That shuts her up.

I am suggesting this: Talk to your husband FIRST. Make sure he knows where you are coming from and why. Come up with a clear plan and make sure he gets the boundaries you need. Then have him talk to his mom. It is his mother and I bet he knows how to deal with her by now(hopefully). If that doesn't work you have many great suggestions of how to deal with this. My mother-in law is the same way. I usually get good results with letting my husband be the messenger. When it doesn't work, then I stick up for myself but that can cause big problems if I get too fired up or vice versa.
Luckily with my firstborn "she" was on vacation. This gave us 3 days of "just our family". Good Luck and congrats on your new arrival!

If you don't want her in the room during bonding tell your nurseing staff that you don't want visitors. You can put a sign on the that says "No visits now, mom is sleeping" or "baby's eating" when you don't want visitors. You can also do this on your door at home.

I wouldn't worry too much about the hospital. Our daughter was born at 6:30 pm and it was well after 10 by the time they were done with everything. They let us bond/breastfeed for nearly 2 hours after delivery, while the nurse cleaned up and got things ready. Then they have you get out of bed and take a bath. Then they bathe baby and do measurements and foot prints. If you MIL comes in before they are done chances are they will ask her to wait. Also, some hopitals have visiting hours (that they don't inforce) but if you ask then to they will.

At home your husband may agree to limit visits. Both of you are going to be very tired those first few weeks and need to rest more than visit.

Ask your brother/sister-in-laws how they handled her. Just be careful how you ask. You don't want it sound like you don't like her.