Help with Discipline Toddler

hi,

developmentally, a 16 month old is generally still learning cause-and-effect and cannot make connections that last longer. for example, if a 16 month old gets wet from splashing in the water, he will not understand why he is cold and wet a few minutes later. i certainly encountered frustration with my son when he was about this age, yet redirection, distraction, engaging in some other activity still seemed the most successful and developmentally appropriate.

one book that i HIGHLY recommend regarding discipline is called, "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. it has all sorts of very provocative thoughts about discipline techniques and is very interesting.

also, the Yale Child Study Center's Guide to Child Development addresses discipline and mental development in a research-based way.

Hi,

Just wanted to say that I also have a 16 month old little girl. I've been wondering about discipline so if you would share with me the advice/thoughts you get, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks,
J.

Contact ____@____.com or call ###-###-#### this is information for Ruth Freeman, LCSW she is a parent educator and is wonderful. Ihave taken a few classes with and taught with her. she can be very helpful.

Your are doing a great job. I started time out by sitting near her but not looking at her for the minute. I did it so I wouldn't have to chase her and add another element of discipline to the original incident. After a little while I increased the distance.

My husband and I have two daughters, ages 8 and 5. Whenever we go out to eat or visit family, they always comment on how well behaved our children are. They do get into troube, they aren't perfect, but they usually listen. This was how I handled dicipline. If they were old enough to do something wrong, they are old enough to be diciplined for it. My youngest was 9 months old the first time she got a time out in her crib. It is not easy being a mom for many reasons. It isn't easy to dicipline, especially when they make really sad faces and say 'sorry' so sweetly. The bottom line is that I don't want my children to be brats. I don't want other people to dread our visits and it is my responsiblity to make sure that doesn't happen.
When you first start diciplining, it feels like you are constantly yelling and saying no. But, one day, you will realize that you aren't yelling as much and they are actually listening to what you say.
This doesn't mean parenting gets easier....but, at least they will have a good foundation!
Good luck!

No, 16 mo. is not too young. I read that they can do a time out for how many minutes they are years old (so 1 min is perfect for your daughter). I have used this with both my children (son 4yr and daugter 2yr). We started time outs with my son when he was one. He learned quickly not to fuss and whine because he got a time out every time he started doing it.
I don't think it matters either what you use for her time out (the stool, which we have also used) or in front of your basement door...) I don't even think it matters if she likes the stool. Eventually she probably won't.
Another thing to remember (that I always remind myself about) is discipline is not punishment, but rather teaching. So...she doesn't have to be miserable if she's in a time out. I think how you've been explaining to her that what she did was wrong and why she's in the time out is exactly what you should be doing. And reminding her that you love her. Always let the child know that you love them, but it's the behavior that you don't like. They need to be taught correct behavior.
Anyway...you're doing a good job! Stick with it! The biggest thing is to be consistent.
I'm reading a really good parenting book right now "Everyday Parents Raising Great Kids" by James D. MacArthur that has been very helpful.
I'm full of advice because of it! :)
Good luck!

Hi
I am a new mom but have been working w/ children for 17 years. One thing I have learned is once you threaten discipline you must follow through. Even that age group will test their boundaries with you. I am not sure what age group is too young to start but I do know 2-21/2 is too late to try and follow through. I think if your child is old enough to know that what they are doing is wrong than they are old enough to recognize the consequences. Good luck
D.

I can't decide if my 16 month old responds to time out or not. When we do it, we put her in her crib and leave the room, door open, and wait 1 minute. She doesn't seem to get it though. I am now 6 months pregnant and if I am too tired to take her upstairs I will try to redirect her instead. Saying no doesn't generally work at all. She usually thinks it is funny. Unfortunately I have no advice for you as we just take it one day at a time too. Good luck. Keep us posted if you come up with something that works.

I do think 16 months old might be a bit young for a time out chair. Not too yound for discipline/ behavior modification though. But you're right at that age they will continue getting out of the chair and if you have to continuosly put them back, you are defeating the purpose of the time out which is to withdraw attention from them and you risk them viewing it like a game.

At this age it may be more effective to re-direct her attention or remove her from the environment or object she is abusing. When my oldest was around 2.5 and wouldn't sit in time out, we had to start puttimg her in her room for time ou to completely withdraw our attention from her and before long she started sitting in time out again- so I think that worked. if time out isn't working you might have to try another location; but I think 16 months is a bit young; depending on the child- I suppose some may be ready for it at that age, but not all. Good luck

16 months is a great time to establish a time out. If you wait much longer it willbe harder. One minute at her age is enough but save the discipline for things you know she knows is not right, for she is also learning right from wrong and until she is ole enough to understand that, you must be careful.
As for her liking the chair, that's okay. It isn't the chair but the time out. If she is willing to go to the " time out chair " that is okay, will make discipline a little easier on both of you while she learns.
My four children are grown and out of the house, but I did day care for years and foster care too. I used a stool and it only works if they are at a point when they can look at you and deliberately do domething wrong to get your reaction. Sometimes you laugh but that only increases the negative behavior.
Hope you enjoy this time of growth and developement, it can set up a wonderful bonding.
As for you husband's stern voice, that sort of happens and why children need two parents. That's how fathers can give a mother a break.
Jan

Good afternoon! I think that you are doing everything correctly if your child was older (based on my own experience practicing the same methods on my 2.5 year old and watching Supernanny LOL). Your daughter seems just a little too young to make the connection. 16 month olds are still babies. It is my understanding, from both experience and from reading endlessly, that while a 16 month old can understand [in the moment] that a firm NO means to stop whatever they're doing, they do not have the capacity to associate a timeout with that unwanted behavior. You've already experienced 2 extremes in the timeouts you attempted... 1) she liked it too much, and 2) she completely rejected it. I am guessing that due to her age, no matter how soon after the behavior you place her in timeout, she doesn’t get why she is even there. Especially on your second attempt at a timeout when she was placed back 5 or 6 times. Surely, by then she had long forgotten what put her there in the first place. You’re only torturing yourself and she might be confused. I would hold off on this form of discipline for another year or so and surrender to a more SIMPLE form of discipline for a 16 month old that will likely have to be repeated for weeks if not months for the same behavior until it stops. At this age, we just have to be patient. I think sometimes we expect too much of our little ones’ behavior because they are excelling at so much else in this day and age! Don't underestimate the power of a well-expressed "NO" along with a little ignoring. Little ones thrive on the reactions and attention they get from us, whether positive or negative. So next time your daughter does something you don't like, tell her NO, remove her from what she is doing (or take away whatever she is using) and don't look at her for a minute or two. (Of course keep a lookout from the corner of your eye, but don't let her know you are watching.) Sometimes a lack of response sends a clearer message than making a big deal. We all struggle with how much discipline to give our children. Just hang in there and before you know it she will be correcting YOU!

You are at the beginning of it. I think we started timeouts around 16-18 months for our son, who just turned 2. I highly recommend them, very effective. You just need to find a place that is safe and secure where you can walk away from them and let them get through the emotions. We have a gate on his room. Timeouts are in his room. We don't normally lock the gate anymore because he is quite independent, so limitation on his independence sends a clear message. We shut him in his room, let him cry for a bit, then ask him if he is ready to come out (the verbal will come to your daughter very soon, but she understands you perfectly already). Sometimes he is still crying after a minute or two, then I come back, talk to him about it, pick him up and give him a hug and he is usually ok by then. Now I can ask him if he needs a timeout and the usual answer is 'no' and that stops the behavior. And sometimes he actually answers 'yes' and he just needs a minute by himself to let the emotions stabilize so he can go on with the day. Set the pattern now, because it is a roller-coaster ride for the next couple years I am told. At two they cry about it, at three they argue with you about it.
Hope this helps!
Me: 32 year-old working mom with a 26-month-old son and wonderful husband.

You are doing a good job. Brooke is old enough to be diciplined. Your her mom and you know her best ,so you know when she understands what you are saying to her . She will learn very quickly that she doesnt want to have to sit in the "time out spot " and start to listen to you more . My kids are 3 and 4 yrs old and I taught for 14 yrs before having kids of my own and knew " time out " worked . However did not use it with my kids at a young age but do now and have found that our days together are much more fun and productive . Keep up the good work . All the hugs and kisses you get , you know Brooke loves you and is thankful you are helping her to grow up being respectful , responsible and a fun , loving child . K.

Oh dear.

That is MUCH, MUCH, MUCH, MUCH too young for a time out.

Every major childhood psychological study and information out there confirms it. All you are doing is causing confusion and stress for her.

Discipline does NOT equal punishment. At 16 months she is STILL just a little baby. She needs distraction, redirection, and modeling of appropriate behavior. Punishing a 16 month old is not only pointless, it's cruel.

I've got three kids. Kids do NOT understand time out until they are about 2 or a little older.

Please, do some reading about positive, kind, healthy parenting.

I highly recommend "The Discipline Book" and "Unconditional Parenting" as good literature.

Hi,
I made a request a couple days ago called Going Bananas which got a lot of great responses on dealing with toddlers behavior. If you get a chance it might be worth it to take a look at the comments. My daughter is almost 19 months and we prefer redirecting her and using positive reinforcement over time out...however there are some cases where it is called for, and we have used it since she was at least a year old. I find that it is definately more effective if you stand your ground and make them sit for the time given. Counting to three when they're not listening is also very effective, where time out follows reaching three without a response. Children only know what we teach them, and if we allow them to misbehave with no consequences the message is "I can do whatever I want" How will that fly when they're school age, or better yet ~ teenagers! Good luck!

Hi, I have two boys, ages 2 1/2 and 1 1/2. My husband also has a 12 y/o boy. He suggested I read the book "1 2 3 Magic" since it worked so effectively with his first son. It really does work but you have to do it EXACTLY as the book says. Your daughter might be a little young for this (or any kind of time outs right now) but if you read the book you will be ready for the "terrible twos." I use it on my older son and it is effective but I had to go back and re-read since I wasn't doing it exactly right. I know of others who have had considerable success with this method. Good Luck!

I found that trying to sit my very young children in time out was not something that worked for me. They kept getting up and I spent the whole minute or two sitting them back down. I'm with you, I'm not sure they really "got it" when they were that young. However...I have a 22 month old and from the time she was 18 months we'd put her in her play pen (pack and play) in our formal living room for time outs. This way she stayed in one place and stayed safe during her time out even if she was throwing a tantrum etc... Just stay consistent and it will eventually work out.

Hello!
You were right in your thought that you "should have put her back down as many times as she got up to sit for her minute"! Otherwise, she thinks all she has to do is to continue to get up, and eventually mommy will give me kisses and hugs and I can continue to play! Kids need discipline. Kids respond to discipline, kids respect discipline. I worked at a preschool for three years, where I was the disciplinarian. Other teachers would send their "bad" kids to me. When I saw these kids at other times, they would be the first to run up and give me a hug! Consistency is key. Say what you mean, set realistic boundaries, use a firmer voice when disciplining and I'm sure you will have success. It may take more time, but the outcome will be worth while! Good luck! I now have an 8 month old who is testing things already! She goes for the vcr, we say no, and turn her away. She has learned her name and no quickly, she now stops when we say her name, looks, and continues to go sometimes but other times she will stop and come for a blinky toy! Again, best of luck!
L.

16 months certainly is not too young to discipline. I am a toddler teacher and have a room full of them. My only suggestion is however you decide to discipline be consistant and don't give in and eventually she will get it. Good luck.

I don't think your daughter is too young at all. We all know that consistency is the key. It once took me over an hour to have my oldest son (he'll be 6 in March) to sit for a 3 minute time out. I wish I had started the time outs earlier (I didn't start until about 2 1/2). He is still my most challenging child but when he does something wrong now, I will say to him "you need to go to time out and think about your actions" and he'll put himself there. Keep up the good work. I know it's hard but you will reep the reward sooner rather than later. If she likes the chair so much, I personally would find something else. It will break your heart to keep putting her back in her time out but you're not yelling & screaming, your putting her on restriction for something that she is done that is not acceptable. Nothing wrong with that.

I don't think 16 months is too young. I used time out and a 'naught chair' in the corner from about 14 mo onward and time outs really worked. I think that hugging, kissing and telling her your love her after a time out is confusing. What i did was explain in a non-emotional way why they are going into timeout, and if necessary explain while they are in timeout (for example, you are in a time out because you intentionally hit me and you need the think about that for a little while longer) and then again at the end of time out. using one chair in the entire house only for timeout and not other sorts of pay helps. my sitter, husband and i also talk about conducting timeouts in the exact same way

I dont think she is too young at all - your one min time is oerfect (they say do a minute per year of age - ie a 2 year old should take a 2 min time out). Its tough at this age to get them to stay where they are. I used a booster seat (the one she eats in) so I could strap her in - just calmly say, "we dont hit (or whatever she is doing), you need to sit here." Then, walk away. It doesnt matter is she cries, or is totally happy in there. She'll eventually get it if you do the same thing every time. It sounds like youre doing it all great - most of the behavior at this age will go away as she outgrows it, but the time out helps her understand that it is not acceptable. The booster seat worked well for us as if she did somethinga t the table (like throw food), we could just turn her chair around so she was facing the wall for her time out. All my kids ended up getting a big kick out of that actually, but it did seem to work! Anyway - good luck! J.

One thing I would try to keep in mind is that the time out is a place where your child is separated from the offending activity, where your child can calm down so you talk and make sure she knows what she did, and that it was wrong. So technically, if she likes the chair/stool, that's ok, it's not about making her miserable for the minute or so she is there, it is just intended as a way to separate her from the naughty behavior she was doing without giving her extra attention for being naughty. If the stool will help her stay put for the minute, that is great, use it, don't worry about her having too much fun at the naughty spot. If she is in a fun state of mind when the minute is up she will be more receptive to learning the lesson you want her to learn. (don't count on seeing immediate, first time results, these things take time)
As for your voice, you don't have to yell, but you need to sound firm, as if you know what you want her to do. Kids can hear when you are undecided on something or even the least bit wishy washy. And try to avoid having any questioning sound in your voice/word choice.
ex. "put the book down"
vs. "Could you put that down please?"
I hope this helps, good luck and hang tough

Personally, I think it's a touch young to be using timeouts. If it were me, I would continue explaining to her what she is doing wrong. Probably even pick her up and remove her from the situation while telling her why. I might use a time out if it was extremely dangerous what she was doing or if it made me really angry so I couldn't speak to her calmly (but that is more of a time out for me). I don't know if this helps much but it's my two cents on the matter.

You are doing it all right. Don't give up. They sense weakness (even less than a year!) You are not being harsh. Better to establish realistic consequences that she count on now, then to have her constantly wondering what if I push...no one wants to raise a bratty child.

I think your toddler is too young for the time out chair. They simply do not understand why they are there at this age. You may be jumping the gun. At this age you will be struggling with a lot of different behaviors and I think it is because the toddler is learning about the world by trying everything over and over again. I think removing the child from the problem, or taking away what you do not want them to be doing is more in keeping with daughter's age. Spanking is a waste of time and just isn't the right way to go about it either. I'm glad you haven't resorted to that. It is simply a time when you will have to teach discipline by repeating over and over in very few words. Maybe, " No, that's hot" or "Mommy says no". You will constantly have to take things away and just go with the idea that the beginning stages take time and a lot of effort. We have taught our grandson whom we babysit while our daughter works to know when something is not acceptable by saying, "ouch@" or "hot". He has learned quickly what he should stay away from. The other side of the coin is the tantrums and we choose to ignore them and walk away. Sure, he crys and has a fit but my secret to that if it lasts too long is DEVERSION! Move him on to a new activity, toy, start talking about something else we know he likes...trucks, snow, etc... We also found he needed more time outdoors working off the excess energy each day. I can't stress this enough. It works! Good luck!

I have a 4 year old and a 20 month old. I think that 16 months is a little young to start with time outs. I don't think they really get what the time out is and what it is for at that age. while they ARE starting to really understand you I still think they really don't get the concept of the timeout. For exampe, my 20 month old just finished a drinkable yogurt and went to the trash can and threw it in. But if I were to out him in a timeout for not listening, etc he would have no idea what i was talking about. I know it is frustarting but I think at this age you just need to be consistent in what you tell them not to do. If they are climbing on something they shouldn't take them down and say "no climbing". I know it gets tiring but at this point I think that is all that you can do.