HI
I truly need the input of other moms that are possibly in my situation or have a good idea what I can do. My daughter is 11 years old and has already begun being dis-respectful. Not only that, but she doesn't take school seriously and is doing very poorly. Her home habits are just as bad ( her room) and doesn't seem to care about anything that is taken away from her. I am at the end of my rope... I truly need some input here ! I actually considered going to school with her to make sure that she actually does her work and writes all of her assignments down correctly... since she would be horrified if I was there with her, maybe she would take something seriously.. HELP !!!
I agree that discipline and consistency are the best things we can give our kids, besides the big one... LOVE. It does sound like your daughter is going through some"stuff". We found that family therapy did wonders with our kids AND with us. I don't know anyone in the area, but I could probably get a referral if you want one. Let me know, and good luck!
The unfortunate part is that 11 has nothing to do with it. It can happen at any age and it is our duty to "disipline" from the get go. I am far from the perfect mother- I have a 14 yr. old beautiful daughter and the most wonderful 8 yr. old boy. The part we play as loving caregivers is everything under the sun..... including GUILT. This is where we have to stop. Children need disipline and PROTECTION, so in that case don't ever wash your hands and when you you feel something is not right then it is NOT and that is our duty as a parent to protect our young. They will in the future thank us for it. If your child (and no matter what age I do mean they are a child) is testing you, by any means they have not lived life as an adult as we have so they need to have things taken away from them they means something important to them and sometimes the cold shoulder works so they know you will not tolerate it. They will get over it even if you as a parent feel guilt, do not worry because the best thing you can give them is disipline and PROTECTION.
I think one of the first things you need to do is stop the yelling. When we yell at our kids, they get deffensive and the bad behavoir increases. Next, and this may seem a little harsh but you need to remove every privilage she has this includes, TV, Computer, Video Games, Going out with Friends, etc. Then you need to sit down with her and discuss what the rules in your home are (in a calm voice, if you start to get upset, excuse yourself for a few minutes to calm down then come back to it), then write these rules down so she understands them. The next step is establishing what her goals are e.g. doing better in school, being more curtious, etc. Then create a "Good Kid Chart", you can make it any way you want. With my step-daughter we did a star system, when she did what she needed to do, she got a star, and extra stars for over and above behavior. Then we established a reward system for the stars, as a number of stars could be cashed in for, 30 min TV time, Ice Cream Trip, Go to the Movies. When your daughter acts up, instead of getting upset, calmly say, "I do not appreciate the way you are speaking to me, go to your room for the next 10 minutes". When ten minutes are up go and explain to her that when you do not give respect you are not respected and her behavior will not be tollerated. When her grades and behavior improves then you can start gradually giving back privilages. Though I would still limit the TV time on school nights, in our house there is no TV allowed Mon through Thurs night and no fun time until homework is done and instruments are practiced.
Hope this helps.
Hang in there and try to be patient. My suggestion would be to get a recommended book to help understand what this phase is all about. I think its basically the same for all tweeners and its important to understand what they are going through and what they want/dont want from you. And just letting them know you love them no matter what. Someone I spoke to just last week has a 14 yr old who is coming out of this phase. She told me she just treated her daughter the same as she did before but she gave her the "space" she needed. She said her daughter asked her one day - "mommy, why are you so nice to me when I treat you so mean?" She told her because she loves her and knows she does not really mean it. Apparently this age group experiences so many frustration and the mother is usually who they take it out on. Boys dont behave tis way towards the mother so at least you'll have a break when your son gets that age. I know when I get to this age with my daughter I will need lots of guidance!!
Each child has at least one thing that is important to them, be it a toy, tv show, ipod, sport, or whatever activity they participate in. Find your daughter's "sweet spot". Just take that away from her for a period of time. If there truly isn't one (usually at least one important thing), then pick something she loves to do....reward her with it when she behaves appropriately for your recommended period of time. For instance, reward good behavior, not bad. Tell her if she is respectful regarding her room for one week, you'll take her to a movie, shopping, rent a movie with some popcorn...have a few friends over....girls get very social at this age and that may be her "sweet spot". Grades are non negotiable, my girls are involved in sports and are not able to participate if grades are dropping.....I haven't had a problem because they "LOVE" their sport. Hope this helps. And I advise you to pick and choose your battles....school and speaking to you respectfully is important....room is negotiable....nance
why not become a warden? this is your child you're talking about. I'd get rid of everything except school and let her earn back sports, t.v., phone, whatever it is...go into the school and set up a meeting with the counsler and principal and let her know if her work doesn't improve she will repeat the year...that'll motivate her. Remind her that you love her and that it is your job to help her grow into a respectful human and that you take that job seriously...do it now... it'll be easier than once she's in high school...good luck...stay strong!
welcome to the preteen years!! LOL, you poor thing just remember to not lose it because kids feed off of this, and they react negatively back.. Remember that priveleges are just that a privelege and a reward for behaving in the right way and can and will be taken away if she cannot do what is expected of her. Tough love is hard, but she needs to learn about bounderies and what you will and will not accept. Set up a system, and if she behaves the way you want she doesnt have anything taken away, but if she is in the wrong, take something she likes away for a period of time that is reasonable and if she keeps doing wrong increase the time. Then... do not relent and give in. Be consistent without being a nag. Dont get into shouting matches, and she isnt to old to be sent to her room without TV, Radio, Phone, Video Games. Good luck hang in there, eventually she will grow up and realize all your arguments where out of the deepest love for her...
