Help! My 3 1/2 Year Old Daughter Wants to Be a "Boy"

D.,
This isn't something I would worry about. I think you might be able to talk her thru the wonderful benefits of being a girl, and change her mind, or give something else to think about. This is probaly just a "always want what we do not have" kinda thing. I have two daughters that went thru the same phase... and now they are 9 & 7 and think boys are gross... :)

Do not worry it will past, my daughter when about that age wanted her skin to be black like her friend. That is just how kids are.

I agree with Heather. This is not unusual. Many girls want to be boys and boys want to be girls.. They are just exploring differences.

Do not make a big deal out of it and let her explore this stage. We had a family friend that really wanted to be a boy.. She could catch any ball at 12 months, never played with any sort of dolls and hated dresses... She is still an amazing athlete.. It was not till she was in high school, that they could get her into a dress, unless she was bribed with candy. She just graduated from High school and is beautiful. She was the Drum major, Volleyball capt. Soccer player and Prom Queen...We laugh when we remember her saying she would "grow up and be a daddy".

oh my goodness, this is so funny. My daughter (now 5 yo) was just like this. It started about the time she turned 3. She switched to wanting boy underwear. I bought them for her but had to tell the daycare workers to mind their own business when they felt the need to make comments. She wanted to pee standing up. She wanted everything Spiderman and L. Mcqueen. Her bed, backpack, toys, everything. It lasted until about the time she turned 5. Now she is noticing her friends at pre-k wearing dresses and sandals and headbands and earrings...she is slowly switching over.

This phase bothered everyone around us (grandmothers!!) much more than it bothered us. We encourage our daughter to be an individual and not a lemming. We as a society put so much pressure on children to conform. Nothing more ridiculous, in my opinion, than little girls forced to wear dresses and shoes and socks like little dolls, just to please an adult. We did not see the need to force her so early. They should be free to choose and above all be comfy!! There are much more important things for our kids to learn at this age. Like how to be a good person and a good friend. I felt in my heart she would come around and she has. She will start Kindergarten in the fall and these days, she is all girl!!

Try not to fret. It will all work out. Just enjoy her.

Well I believe I am with the majority here in saying that I don't think you need to really worry about this "phase". I was a tomboy and I grew up just fine. Happily married with 3 children. It's probably just a case of curiosity. As for the boys at the babysitters, she is most likely stating the truth about them sitting while going potty. The ages they are it is very common for them to sit. They just aren't quite at the age to aim properly. I wouldn't worry too much. May be that she's just picked it up somewhere. Possible she asked one of the boys and they told her they can stand while peeing. You wouldn't believe the things that little girls and boys talk about. I remember being a little girl, and I was already a tomboy, and the little boy down the street used to say that boys were better because they could pee standing up. LOL. You just never know. And being a tomboy isn't that bad. My daughter is the girliest girl I know, and here I was a tomboy. I don't know what to do with her half of the time, but we manage to find things in common. You'd be suprised at how you can learn to enjoy something you didn't think you would because your children enjoy it. I think the more you push it, you're just going to end up making it a bigger deal to her. Just listen to her and then let it alone for a while and see what happens.

D.: I wouldn't worry about this. My 27 year old daughter went through a phase like this. She wanted to stand up to use the potty. It is part of exploring what their bodies can do. The best way to handle it is to point out that girls and boys are different and each are special.
My daughter had lots of male friends and liked to dress like a boy, but then at 4 1/2 would only wear dresses and her idol was singer Cindy Lauper. She is a wonderful young woman, found a nice young man and got married, became a crises counselor at an HIV clinic and helps people put their lives back together.
And, yes boys do use the potty sitting down. Both of my two do. They find there is less of a mess to clean up.
I am caring for my 4 year old and 11 year old nephews right now who were trained to stand and what a mess!

I teach a class for Kindergarten and First grade children where we teach them about all the parts of the body, how they work and how wonderful the body is. We teach about keeping safe and the no, go, tell rule if someone is making them feel unsafe. Children are very curious about their bodies and the best thing to do is find books to help them get the information they are seeking, or they will seek it somewhere else, like the playground. Barnes & Nobel has a wonderful selection in the children's book area all about the body.

I really don't think you have a problem. When I was young I to wanted to be a boy so that I could stand and pee instead of sit. I also would straddle the toilet and try to make it in the toilet.It would have made life so much easier....lol..... I am now 46 married 24 years with two boys of my own. Some might say I am a little crazy but really I have turned out normal....Your daughter maybe a little tomboyish being with only boys but there is nothing wrong with that either. Good luck with you girl and god bless you all. :)

I would not worry about it. I felt that way when I was little and so did some of my friends. Sometimes we refused to wear shirts and were very vocal about wanting to be boys when we grew up. We thought wearing a shirt was the difference in boys and girls! ha

We were raised to almost worship our father and it was natural for us to want to be like him. Your little ones will grow out of it, naurally. Today all of us are happy women with families of our own.

My daughter is 3 1/2 and wants to be just like her brother. dresses in his clothes and has talked about wanting to be a boy. For the past 6 months she has been like that. Everytime she talks about wanting to be a boy i do not give her a reaction or attention I just say "I am so glad that god made you a girl just like me" She will be 4 in 2 weeks and no longer talks about being a boy just likes to dress like her brother still. It is a phase, but I do believe how your react to it is key. Most of the time kids are just trying to get attention!

It's just a phase of curiosity. All kids probably go through it. I remember trying to pee like my cousin (who was my age) when I was little.

I'm not surprised by the sedentary potty boys. My son really didn't start standing to pee most of the time until he was in pre-k/kinder age and there was a urinal to use in public. Most times at home he still sits when he just pees, especially in the morning when he is still half asleep. He's 7 now. I would rather he sit to pee, less likelihood of him missing and making a mess.

D., My son who just turned 4 is going through the same stuff. I usually tell him God made us special and that he is always going to be a boy. Sometimes I ask him why he wants to be a girl and its funny what he comes up with. I need to start writing his responses down in a journal. Alot of times it has nothing to do with what they are saying. He told me one night, he wanted to have our next door neighbor for his mom and I asked why, because then I could be (he named her two sons) and I could have all the neat toys they have. It's amazing how their little minds work. Don't worry and engage her, you might be surprised and get a little chuckle about what she's really thinking about.

It's funny that I haven't looked at this site for awhile then I looked at it today and saw this. Or maybe not funny but divine because I recently had similar concerns about my 4 yrs old boy who loves barbies, mermaids, and all girl things. i struggled with blowing it off as a phase and did some research and prayed and found some guidance from different sources. i think if that is the only behavior your daughter exhibits that's boyish then don't do anything. if her behavior becomes more obsessive and complete (everything she does and wants is related to wanting to be a boy) then you might want to do some research into gender identity disorder - it is a real thing and could be emotionally painful when present. but even if she has some gender confusion issues (i doubt she does but IF you suspect it), then it is still not worth overreacting, there are simple techniques to help her. but overall my advice is don't worry too much about it but remain observant.

Hi D.-

My 5 year old girl has 2 brothers. She has tried to use the potty standing up (that was a lot of fun :-)) and she has also shown interest in her brothers' anatomy (all innocent, silly stuff.) I think it's all natural and normal and just shows that she's starting to notice differences. It's her way of comparing and contrasting herself with those around her. I know that with everything you see on the talk shows, etc it's easy to worry about this but I think her saying "I want to be a boy" at this age is similar to my daughter saying she wants to be a dolphin, or a bird. Don't make a big deal out of it, but do take the time to encourage her that as a girl there's nothing that a boy can do that a she can't (aside from going potty standing up of course :-))

As far as the daycare goes, my oldest son did not start to stand to use the potty with any consistency until he was older so I think the daycare provider is telling you the truth about them sitting.

Good luck,
K.

I agree with those who have said that it's just a phase. This is a time of learning and exploration, and they're trying to discover how it is that others have different lives than them. For kids the only reality they know is their own, and, at this age, they begin to discover that other people do different things.
My three year old is convinced that the only difference between boys and girls and that girls have long hair and boys have short. That is her reality right now, and she was completely unwilling to accept the fact that the boy I babysit for has long hair! She's trying to find logic based on what she knows.
I view it as very similar to your daughters situation. She's always been a girl, she knows this as reality. The discovery that others live differently (and are physically different) has opened up a whole new perspective to her.
I certainly do not believe that dressing her up in play-clothes and slathering her with makeup is going to cause this behavior to stop. It's not wrong to be curious or learn about the opposite sex. I think that most girls and boys go through a certain level of exploration. If she was seven or eight I might find it a bit more concerning, but she's still young and still trying to figure out her reality.

This is just a phase!!!! My daughter is 3 and my son is 4 1/2 and they have both said things like that. Kids are just very curious at this age and just want to know how things work. Just let her know that she is beautifully and wonderfully made.

I completely understand the concern. It is a little disturbing to hear some of the questions my 3 1/2 year old daughter asks me, too. LOL This is completely natural and will be one of MANY questions where you start to wonder if everything is okay. Most likely, with rare exception, your daughter is just trying to understand what is going on. She has obviously seen that boys go potty standing and that is one of the differences between boys and girls. It may have been the boys at the daycare and it may have been your husband. (My curious daughter LOVES to "help" Daddy get ready for work, so she can try to sneak a peek while he is showering. She also loves to "help" me change her baby brother's diaper so she can see the differences while Brother is exposed.) We as parents, and protectors, become so worried that we will warp our children. It is just curiosity and it is innocent. This is an age appropriate question and it is something your daughter is trying to figure out. If my daughter asked me if she will turn into a boy when she is older, that would indicate to me that my explanation of the differences in boys and girls only added to the confusion. So, I would probably just discuss the issue a little more, making sure that it is not made into a big deal. You do not have to get out a science book or go too in depth, but I bet just providing reassurance that she is a girl and girls are different from boys in many ways will help. Even after you have provided enough explanation, she will still be curious. Children at this age are very curious. Enjoy it - because soon school will start and she will not want to learn what she is being taught!
As for the daycare - I would not be worried about her being the only girl unless she is unhappy. No matter how many girls or boys there are, she will become who she will become. My biggest concern would be the teacher. If the teacher can handle having one girl and the rest boys, then I would feel fine.
Good luck and let me know if there is anything else I can help with!

Try not to worry too much. My daughter too wanted to be a boy every since she was small. She even tried peeing like a boy and I only seen that once, I hope that was the only time it happened. She is 12 now and has always wanted to play football. She does play softball for several years now and will be playing basketball once school starts back up.

She will play with the boys any day over playing with girls. She is just a tom boy. As long as she is playing in sports and keeping busy with that she has been fine.

Just keep telling her that God chose her to be a girl for a reason and that she should be happy about that. My daughter WILL NOT wear pink or dress up girly.....and I'm okay with that.

Kids do say a lot of things when they are little. Like your boys might tell you they want to marry you when they grow up or a girl might say that to her Daddy. I used to tell my mom I was going to be an angel when I died just because I thought it would be cool. So it could very well just be her thinking out loud and trying to figure out how all this stuff works. She may not realize that boys are born with that stuff, maybe she thinks they aquire their boy parts at some point and is wondering when hers is coming. I think that every time she says it you can just tell her calmly, "No you won't be a boy when you grow up, you are a girl, like mommy, mommy has girl parts(whatever you call it) and so do you" Usually matter of fact answers take care of the problem. If you continue to feel concerned I would just pray about it and ask God to help her brain understand that she is a girl and that being a girl is great! Best wishes:)

Hi D.,
This age child is learning so much about everything. They are like little sponges, soaking up information. If your DD wants to know what it would be like to be a boy, let her play the role of a boy as she understands. I would not discourage her or tell her negative aspects to discourage her ie Boys dont cry, cant wear pretty dresses, etc. Perhaps she is more sports oriented or likes tomboy type activity--roughhousing, climbing, more physically challenging play. Many female athletes are not girly, and are successful in their talents.
I'm sure that this is an emotional burden for you. Try to see it as an opportunity to learn. Be as accepting of her individuality as possible. She will know that you love her unconditionally. HTH

I think that you are overreacting. It could be just a matter of thinking that she has "nothing" where the boys have "something". I wanted so much to be a boy for a few years (starting at about 8 years old) because I felt very comfortable in my friendships with boys (was kind of a tomboy) and I didn't like that my body was changing/developing. I turned into the girliest girl of them all. Do not make a big deal of it--insist on girly things, etc. Even if she does decide at some point to "be a boy", now is no indication of that.

Ha! My son wanted to wear a dress for his easter pictures (everyone was fawning over how pretty his sister looked in her dress!) and he steals her high heels and tiarras. He's 2.5 and we've all had a good laugh.

She'll get over it!

I have a boy cousin who wanted to be a girl. He played with barbies, LOVED the little mermaid, wore pink, the whole nine yards. He is perfectly normal and rather intelligent now. He is passionate about his likes, but no other evidence of his previous phase. She's probably just curious and fascinated.

Aw...D., I think this is pretty normal, unless your little girl and me are the only 2 girls who wanted to be boys :-0. I went through the same thing, I grew up with 3 brothers, 2 older 1 younger. I remember wanting to "can't wait to grow up so I can be a boy too" And now I am happy to say I am SO over that and am happily married for 10 years with 2 little girls of my own. My mom would just say "your silly, God made you a girl for a reason". LOL...I know you are concerend and I dont mean to make light of the subject but I think it is just the "crowd" she is with, mostly boys, its not a bad thing. She is just being a "little girl" No worries.

Do not worry. I had two older brothers and mostly boy friends growing up and I was the same way. Wated to go standing up, didn't know why I had to wear a shirt in the summer and they didn't, rode a dirt bike, played with cars, etc. I outgew it and your daughter will too. I am now a very feminine mom to two daughters and didn't have any lasting effects of my gender "confusion" as a young child. I also had boys I knew growing up who wore nightgowns and played makeup with their sisters when they were little and they turned out just fine. THis too shall pass!

I wanted to be a boy when I was younger. This acutally went on until I was about 12. I grew up with many men in our family. I wanted to be outside with them, and the boys. Not sitting around with the women cooking. I had all guy friends, and hated it as we got older because we had to do certain things different....(bathroom....)
I'm am now 33yr old,and very much a girl. I was a cheerleader in high school, and dated boys. However, I still had guy friends, still played basketball with them on the week-ends, and learned very quickly how high school boys really were, and opted not to have sex until I was atleast 18yr. That was the extreme plus side to have lots of guy friends. My best friend of over 10yr is a man.
I can assure you that I no longer want to be a boy. I love to wear my heels and look like a girl. Let her be her. Just support her when she needs you.

My sister wanted to be a boy as long as I can remember. She is 48 now and is very much a female and loves men. I saw on t.v. that there are kids that say they want to be the opposite sex so bad that their parents are letting them become the opposite sex at a young age. My sister reminded me recently about how bad she wanted to be a boy and I can't imagine who she would be if my parents had allowed her to be a boy. It is probably just a phase.

My kids have said some strange things too. Hopefully it's just a phase. You're not dealing with a tomboy issue here, which is perfectly normal. But, I would just keep encouraging and staying positive about everything girly. She just needs to know how wonderful it is to be a girl. You can and probably should be firm about this going potty thing. But, I wouldn't overreact or she'll keep pushing the issue only to push the issue and it will no longer be just a curiosity thing. Let her be curious and answer her questions. Also, let her go with you to the bathroom a lot. I wouldn't worry about it, just deal with it matter-of-factly when having to deal with her negatively and at other non-bathroom times, get excited about being a girl. My youngest boy loves Polly Pockets, My Ponies, Barbies, etc. I have dealt with as calmly as I can. He still likes them, but the obsession with them has decreased and he has taken an interest in Power Rangers recently. It was the obsession with it that I didn't like. He would cry at McDonald's if I asked for a boy toy and not a girl toy. It is funny. But, if I even make a face and show any disappointment, he makes it an issue and will purposely ask for things like that. So, deal with it, don't ignore it. But, don't get upset about it. Sometimes, you just have to say, No - boys don't wear bows in their hair. You're so silly. Let's get you a hat....

You need to check this out further and may want to change to another place with more girls there to play with.

i know i am not politicaly correct in saying this but she is a girl and you need to reinforce this. she is learning about boys and how they are different. this is the time you can teach her how wonderful it is to be a girl and God made her a girl and has a plan for her. also teach her how great it is to be a guy and how wonderful they are. but little girls need to act like little girl and boys should be boys. at this age its just a matter of telling her right from wrong. if she were older 10-12 and doing the same thing it would be different but this age she is just learning. as far as being surrounded by boys. i have 2 older brothers and grew up with 3 neighbor boys...there was one girl down the street who had a brother. dress her up in pretty things that she likes ( crowns, jewerly, wands, dress up shoes,) let her play with make up, dolls. reinforce the girl thing. she should be fine. please dont fall into the thinking that if she wants to be a boy she should be espically at this age. what she wants isnt always right for her. good luck hope this helped.

I COMPLETELY understand your anxiety. One thing I love is the Mister Rogers' song "Your Body's Fancy and So Is Mine" (it goes like this: "Boys grow up to be the daddies/ Girls grow up to be the mommies/ Everybody's fancy, everybody's fine/You're body's fancy, and so is mine!" Maybe you can check out the episode from the library. It's KEY to not react like there's anything weird. Maybe you can find a couple dresses that have no frills or pink on them, because maybe she just doesn't like culturally-identified girly things. But I think it would be good to expose her to girl clothes which aren't the average, mass-marketed pinkpinkpink (you've probly done this already). I think it's a CRYING SHAME that everything now is gender-oriented. It wasn't like that when I grew up in the early seventies; I noticed the change in advertising & retail in the 90s. Now it's very, very hard to find toys or kids furniture or decorations that aren't gender-identified by color and branding. Blech. I have two kids who went through that stage which you're daughters going through and I stressed like crazy but kept doing my best to not react the way I was feeling inside (true fear for my children's joy, not repulsion). One kid is through with it and at the age of 7 started wanting to mimic her older sister rather than to do opposite from her as previously; the other kid is surrounded by sisters but last month ended up playing with a group of boys (why didn't I arrange this to happen sooner?) and blended in with them perfectly, so I know K will be great for him w/ variety and more friends boys (he's almost out of the stage). I know we're all spiritually created male & female before coming to earth and being born (and we don't understand everything which can impact gender behavior later, but it's not as frequent as yathink). You could have her tested for hormone levels, but at this point I'd try to not even talk about anything that is boys vs. girls stuff, just "people" stuff...because it hasn't been going on very long and is very frequently seen in kids her age. You could look at "Free To Be You and Me" but pick and choose which songs/pages you want to sing/read with her because there's one or two in there that would be perfect for this situation (and some others which wouldn't!!!). I think you're doing an excellent job. I'm glad you posted. P.S. Don't freak when she says she "IS" a boy. I think almost all of them do that but very, very few feel like that later in life (and we don't know all the reasons why, but t.v. really likes to produce those stories).