The thing I love most about myself is also the thing that I sometimes hate about myself. I LOVE people and I WANT to be needed. I like to FILL NEEDS. BUT, I have my limits.
I'm getting calls from an ex-client of mine that was needy, couldn't pay her bills properly, complained profusely, was never happy about anything, left me 3 times in one year just to come back again. The last time she only came back for 3 weeks. I could write a book about the ways I catered to her. She's CALLING again. I don't want to be mean and I don't want to say yes. So I am NOT answering the phone. Today she called the house twice and called my cell phone once. Am I wrong to not answer?
I've been down this road many times with many other people. I get on the phone and they tell me how hard it's been since they left, how sorry they are, how it'll be different. It's NEVER different.
You know what? I'm HAPPY with my life right now! I don't want to rock the boat or take on anyone's drama.
I know I can count on some of you to tell it to me straight. I need strength.
So now she's emailing... I sent her a very short note telling her that I seem to remember that she and her Ex were unhappy with me and that I was surprised to hear from her. She didn't really say why she was calling. She just asked that I PLEASE call her. I guess it'll be easier to hear what she wants through email and still say NO!
Thanks gang... I know it's chicken of me to not answer. I just don't want to hear her voice. sheesh... I must be raising a bleading heart... I told my 11 year old not to answer the phone and to check caller ID. She said, "But mom...what if she... I cut her off and said, NO...we DON'T need to mess things up around here.
Shane, she was a daycare client. Her life was really messed up when I met her. I tried very hard to help her get out of an abusive situation. She kept messing with my hours, pay, wanting to come on shifts she wasn't contracted for, needing over and above help, didn't pick up her kids because SHE needed sleep, was even angry at me for taking my daughter to an amusement park one day when she wanted to bring her kids early to sleep before work. Then she started bringing the abusive EX in on things and he would watch the kids for weeks on end and she would pay me considerably less for one of the kids or nothing for either of them. Then she was angry with me when the kids would cry because they had been gone for a month or two and not used to coming back. It was high drama the whole time. She potty trained the little boy too soon using underwear only which is forbidden in my daycare. He was too short to potty by himself, unable to wash his own hands, couldn't put his own clothes on or take them down and he could not hold it if anyone else was in the bathroom ahead of him. So he would wet on my sheets and blankets and standing outside the bathroom. Then she'd be angry at me because he had an accident. She would yell at me for putting a pull-up back on him when he was causing me too much pee covered laundry. Goodness gracious. Why would I take someone back like that?! It's been almost a year since I've seen her.
Oh yeah, and I forgot to add that she would come over late at night just to TALK about her problems, sit in my house, not leaving after her work, keeping me up all hours in the middle of the night, cry on my shoulder about her life all the time and drained me of every ounce of my emotional reserves.
Thanks everyone for helping me work through this NOW. Dawn, you are right. I would absolutely be in here a few weeks from now complaining about this situation. Putting it all out here reminded me of what it was like. I just emailed her back in a very matter of fact way and told her why it won't work. I don't have 2 spaces on the hours that she usually needs anyway. I also don't give sibling discounts anymore. I'm sure she won't be emailing me again.
Just say "sorry there's no room at the inn".
You will FEEL so much better when you tell her the truth.
Ignoring her calls will not help the situation. Instead of doing that make a list of agencies that can help her. Domestic violence hotlines or shelters, social service departments ect that can give her counseling and real assistance. Meet with her and tell her to contact these agencies for help. Tell her you are emotionally tapped out
Sure it's okay to say no. Your needs are valid, too, and a need for simplicity and peace are quite reasonable.
Here's a technique I learned a few years ago, after getting tired of being a big push-over:
1. Start by acknowledging the need or desire being expressed by the other side. Look for a way to empathize with or validate the other person.
2. Use the gentle connector "AND" (instead of but), and make a non-judgmental observation about what has happened between you. Avoid "you," as in "you often showed up late." Rather, look for a way to keep it about your needs, as in "I need to be able to count on my clients picking up their children by the agreed time."
3. Express your feelings about those occurrences. We all have a right to our authentic feelings. Be careful to use genuine feelings (sad, happy, upset, annoyed, impatient, exasperated) instead of concepts (used, unappreciated, inconvenienced), or you will be wandering into "argument" territory.
4. Close with your position clearly stated, without apology or excuses. A simple, "…so, that will not work for me." And stop there.
I have yet to have this approach seriously anger the person I'm saying no to. They may wheedle or try to convince me otherwise, and I simply say again, "I hear that you would really like _____ from me. And no, that will not work for me."
Make sure when you say YES to somebody you arent saying NO to yourself.
You DO know the definition of insanity, right?
"Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
Help? Sure.
Insanity? No thanks.
Good luck, SLM!
I AM SENDING YOU STENGTH, SLM! I promise you that in a month you'll be writing on here about this woman. You don't want to do that, right? You don't want to be wringing your hands over her ridiculous treatment of you, right?
So yes, it's the right thing to not answer her calls. If she comes to your door, don't answer the door either.
I mean this from the bottom of my heart!!
Dawn
You have to choose the people you want to help. You need to help your family (make money, not be emotionally drained by some random other person) so telling her no is actually being helpful to others and filling a need in that you can actually work for paying clients instead of waiting time and energy on this other person.
If you are happy with your life now without the drama just tell "NO" in a matter fact way and be done with it. There are other clients you can get that won't be a headache to you. She made her bed now she has to lay in it and figure out life.
We can't continue to "enable" people to do things that are wrong. Don't feel bad about tellling her no. If she were a complete stranger you wouldn't put up with this. Consider her a stranger and move on. Life is too short for all of this.
Had she come over to my house after hours to complain that would have ended the relationship I would have had as a childcare giver as you do need your sleep to function and care for others.
Take a stand and know that you did the best you could do but the drama is over and you can no longer be her sitter.
Good luck to you and have a good holiday season without the drama. You deserve your own life.
The other S.
PS You can only hit your head on the brickwall for so long without getting a headache or cracking your skull.
Wow! Sounds like it would be easy to tell her no. What a freak! Just call her, let her give you her run down and then tell her you do not have space for her child. You don't, he doesn't fit in your day care. You're not lying. If she pushes, give her the whole story of why he doesn't fit. Bet she doesn't call again.
Good luck!
It is absolutely ok to fire a client. As a business woman (a small business owner, at that), you are perfectly right in setting limits and expectations regarding your clients' behavior. From what you described, this woman has gone way beyond acceptable behavior, and it is appropriate for you to refuse to allow her back. MamaMay's answer was spot on - fulfilling this woman's needs will result in your inability to fulfill your commitment to others (and yourself). I really like Peg M's approach - it is professional and effective.
Best of luck!
I'd ignore her calls too. It's one thing to help someone in need who's "helpable." But she's sucking the life right out of you. You can't help her.
pick up the phone & just say "NO"!
If she's being this pushy, she just might show up on your doorstep!
I think it would be fantastic for your daughter to hear you say that you can't work with her any more. It will show her a wonderful example to do what's right for your family and business. Peg gave some GREAT steps to work through this. This is your business and you do not have to feel sorry or bad about it.
Say no. And if a client leaves, don't take them back. Have a set of rules for yourself and say it is against policy if you need to feel backed up.
I don't know what you do. What kind of client is she? Just curious. Anyway, you really do need to not let her back in. Of course it's OK to say No. You're not her slave. Why are you helping others? That's a question to ask yourself. But if not answering the phone doesn't work she may come to your place. Then what will you do. It hurts to turn people down that need help, because you feel for them and want to help and make things better, but this is a test for you of balance. Knowing when and how to say No and getting through to them and doing it "properly" and not feeling bad about it. You want to think the best of people but some people are just users and see others as a sap they can take advantage of. Unfortunate but true. Some are just desperate. Regardless, it's been my experience (and I've learned the hard way) that it's best to be kind and yet firm whenever possible, to be very straight forward and firm about what is what, and not consider yourself being mean about it. Some people just don't hear it unless you are a bit harsh (for lack of a better word). But with saying all this; I always remember that there are key words for everyone, what works for one may not work for another, and so I always ask Spirit what is it this person needs and what are the "right" words for this individual. And then let it happen and come through. Pray about this and let yourself be guided and once it's resolved ask again in prayer for what it is you need to see concerning this repeated situation. Even when we help people we're helping ourselves, helping ourselves to grow. The very Best To You
Say NO! You can do it, and mean it! You cant keep letting this woman walk all over you, you are better than that. You gave her chances and she continuously left, so now it is time for a firm talk with her and say NO.
Put your needs first, if you like your life the way it is then dont mess with it. Do not let her back into your life.
You are not wrong to dodge her calls but you are going to have to talk to her sometime, and be strong!
We believe in you! :)
Ok so the majority of the answers say to not let them back into your life. I agree. BUT, first answer the phone. Give her the chance to say what she has to say. Maybe she is calling to tell you thank you for helping her in a terrible time and life is good now and the kid is potty trained and all is well, because you helped when she needed it.
...or not.
If not, then just tell her no, it wont work out Im not interested but thanks for calling, goodbye. And hang up.
Its always ok to say no and set your boundaries. I dont know what kind of client/buisness relationship you have, but she shouldn't be calling you at home! I would call her when its convienent for you and tell her unfortunately, you can't be of service to her anymore. Wish her well and hang up. That is good self care and she sounds like she never "gets it". Its not your job to rescue her. GL and be strong!
M
HI there~ I know I'm late in responding, but I just wanted to say that it's really completely ok for you not to take someone ( much less take someone BACK) that you know will drive you crazy. It's like that sign in most businesses... "We have the right to refuse service to anyone."
I'm glad you e-mailed her and found a way to tell her it wouldn't work for you. I have a phrase that often helps me, and it is " It's just not a good match." and if it's questioned you just repeat... Sometimes that's all you have to say. I learned to use it in a job where I had to fire people, and you had to be careful with what you said so no one sued you.
I recently almost had to go through this and it's really tempting to think up reason to give people for not taking them back. You don't really need a reason or an excuse like you don't have space or you've done away with your sibling discount because sometimes it can come back if you end up taking another client after that. Just be honest and say " I'm sorry you're in a bind with your daycare needs. Based on your needs in the past, I don't think we're a good match to work together." Then she'll say something like " But baby Joe LOVED it there... you were the best provider..." and you say "Thank you, but I just don't think my daycare and your needs are a good match. Good luck." You weren't rude or dishonest or getting into a big debate about it. You have a right to decide this for your own sanity and the best interest of your kids and your business.
Sending you a hug~
you can do it. call her (or answer next time she calls) and repeat after me, "I'm sorry, its just not going to work for us. Maybe another time."
REPEAT as necessary. you can say it nicely. but you NEED to say it.
good luck!
Wish her the best, give her a referral, and don't take her back EVER!
I think as long as you don't answer, she will keep calling.
I'm not sure what type of client she is, which may be neither here nor there, but you can tell her that you don't have time in your schedule for another client right now.
Give her some other numbers to call and wish her the best then let it go.
Well I don't know what kind of service you provide them.
BUT... 'neediness' is a 2 way street.
ie: you oblige with the client's neediness... and you also admittedly, want to be needed. Thus... a vicious cycle, ensues. Then, when you put up boundaries with anyone and say "no..." or ignore their pleas etc., they get befuddled as to why. Because previously... you ALWAYS, give in. That is your method of operation.
Hence, they may get offended, if you 'suddenly' tell them no... now.
So to not get taken the wrong way... you, must diplomatically 'explain' to them... why you are not, at this point, accepting their neediness. Nor doing anything about it.
Hence, hopefully, both parties will understand, the limitations now... on what was formerly expected and complied with... as compared to now. The new game plan... of your wanting to say "no" more often.
Either way, it will rock the boat... of you of them.
Because... this is not the usual way... that you react to people and their needs, upon you... nor your need to be needed, for yourself.
The way to say no... is to just start.
If that is what you really need and want to do.
But you gotta be prepared... for any debate/convincing/pleas about it, to you, from the client... to give in. As that is what you have always done... previously. And they are used to that. Because, that is what you have always, done.
It starts, with you.
