Help! How Do I Come to Terms with Having Only 1 Child

Maybe God is trying to tell you that you have proven yourself a fantastic mother and since you want another child so badly, he wants you to give a home to a child that needs it instead of creating another child of your own. All of the money you were spending on fertility treatments can also be spent on the adoption process. I was adopted, but I've met my bio-mom (when I was 19) and I've got to say, being adopted is the best thing that EVER happened to me.

Please consider it. There are plenty of children out there, languishing in the foster system that would sell their innocent little souls for a chance at a happy and stable, permanent home with parents that will love them unconditionally. You sounds like you still have more love to give and more room in your heart for another child, so give it to a child that otherwise would have no chance at it.

Your last statement is absolutely correct. God has a plan for your life and you are refusing to accept it - as we all often do.

But let me put something in perspective for you. My best friend got pregnant 5 years ago, had to terminate the pregnancy at 21 wks. Then got pregnant through invitro 3 years later and miscarried right away (they paid for it by taking every penny out of their 401K) and then tried invitro again last year and miscarried again. Til this day she doesn't even have ONE child.

And you have an amazing son that was a gift from heaven. How blessed are you to just have him? And I know it's easier said then felt at times but we have to remind ourselves of these things and once we continue to tell ourselves over and over, the words that come out of our mouths and into our heads will become our feelings.

And lets talk about the perks of only having one:

*Less money to save for college, wedding, etc.. and more to spend on vacations and so on
*No having to loser pregnancy weight (this one is vein but nonetheless)
*More time for you and your husband
*More individualized attention for your son
*More "you" time

And we could think of many more.... But I think you have to keep going back to the fact that you are so blessed to have what you have and that some families are meant to be single child families. Not because of the reasons you stated, but just b/c that's the dynamic that is supposed to be played out. It's perhaps the way that he is SUPPOSED to be shaped - as a child w/o a sibling. Sure there will be some downfalls but I know people that LOVED being a single child.

And the more you press the pregnancy fact with your husband the less likely it will happen b/c of your stress and the more tention will come between you.

So release and let GOD....

And you never know... My neighbor has a 12 year old and they too tried to get pregnant for a few years after he was born and it never happened and all of a sudden - SURPRISE - 12 years later she got pregnant accidentally. Not the ideal space between the kids but God has a sense of humor too.

Just hang in there and don't beat yourself up for having these feelings. Just remind yourself of the things I stated.

It may also help to talk to a counselor.

Keep reminding yourself that your one is truly a blessing. We also have only one (will be 4years old soon) and we too also wanted a sibling but health issues would put myself and the unborn baby in danger through out the pregnancy (did not know about my health issue till I was pregnant and became pregnant soon after marriage even though we were not trying, I think God was tell me it is time now)... we are thinking about adopting in 6 or so years (an older child maybe around 5-8 years old, our little one would be 10). Have you thought about adoption (baby or young child). It is such a blessing to be able to have a child of your own but adoption is another wonderful opportunity. It will cost money but what a blessing to give another child that does not have a family.

My Mom went through 6 miscarriages after me......and she wanted me to have a sibling as well......when I grew up, I told my X husband, two kids at the least...........and we had two boys............so I understand where you are at.....I had always wanted a brother or a sister, and it wasn't meant to be........my Mom wanted to adopt, and I was all for it......and older boy.....well, a year or two older than me......but my Dad said no, he couldn't do that................Mom and I were both crushed.....not that we had anyone in mind......but still...

So, maybe this is a way to tell you to adopt......there are many children out there that need a parent..........newborns, youngster and some older ones too............I think anyone who adopts is awesome......My second hubby and I thought about it, until we got his kids to live with us at a very young age......

Sharing your life with a child who has no one is a very special thing.......think about it...........hopefully your hubby won't be like my DAD!!!

Take care......and good luck.

What's wrong with just having 1 child anyway? I have 1 and I feel that's more than enough. Just because other people pressure you into believing that it's "mean", "selfish" or "inconsiderate" to just have 1 child doesn't mean you should believe that and fall for their "logic". Studies have shown that single children grow up fine and are just as happy as others, and sometimes turn out even better, because their parents dedicated more time and attention to them. Don't fall for peer pressure or what "society" thinks is right. You don't want to get all worked up and depressed for no reason, or that can affect your child and make him think he is somehow to blame for your frustration. You should also be grateful for your present child as many other parents can NEVER even have 1 kid, so that alone should be seen as a blessing. Focus on your son and your husband, and may the other pieces fall in place in due time.

We have 1 son. We had to have a lot of help in having him. I knew when I got pregnant that it would be a once in a lifetime event for me. And he's such a wonderful child! My sister and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. I was never one to think that multiple kids meant they would be friends and play nice. I grew up WISHING I was an only child. The bickering and hair pulls just goes on forever till they grow up and move out. My husband is an only child and he thinks it's great. A lot of times we are as happy as we make up our minds to be. If you are determined to be miserable - you will be - guaranteed. If you are determined to be happy - you will find a way to do it. School will be starting soon and you can become very involved.

It's amazing you posted this today. We made the decision to stop trying for a second yesterday. My daughter will be 3 in June. She was my 7th pregnancy and only child. I had a miscarriage last July. We have been trying for 2 years.

I have gone back to the fertility dr 10 months and nothing has helped. I was supposed to go again this morning and my husband said we're done. I agree... I have to take shots throughout a pregnancy and I really need to just be here for my daughter. She is an absolutely amazing child and I am truly blessed... Yes, I still have that yearning for another, but I know the other gifts I can give her as well.

It will be ok... IF God determines you need another, it will happen. If not, hold your son close, smell him, feel his warmth, and remember every moment because they grow up too fast! My heart is with you!

As an adoptive mom, scratch that ~ I am a mom just as much as anyone who has conceived a child is a mom. I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love my son. The moment he looked at me (as a baby), I became a mom. The moment I held him, the moment I walked out of the hospital with him...I was his whole world. The only person he knew and I loved him completely. Adoption is not a substitute, it is a gift from God. He calls us to "defend the orphan" and I am blessed beyond belief to be part of that plan.

PS: I am happy to talk about it any time. ____@____.com

I don't really have an answer for you either, however, I will say that it is really hard to know God's plan. I am sure you could handle more children, but God just might have other plans for you, and He needs you to be open to whatever that is. Sometimes, its just about being open to that plan.

Truly, I found the most peace about issues like this, that I feel so strongly on, when I make a conscious effort to make the most of the life I do have, and look for the small ways God wants me to move forward. I know that's hard.

Perhaps you are right, God could be waiting to tell you something, something hard to hear, or something amazing to hear! Maybe you could take some time in prayer.
God bless,
~sahmatwork

You might find you can be a mom to your sons friends as he grows up. I have only my 8 year old daughter. Since we put her in public school in first grade I have found myself in the position of being an unofficial mother to lots of her friends. Just because people have children doesn't make them even adequate parents. Kids need adult attention one on one a lot as well as proper supervision. During the summer I find I have another 8 year old daughter living with us all summer long, spending the night literally for days on end, eating all her meals with us doing all our activities with us and so on. It does get irksome however I know how bad this child's home life would be if I sent her home. It is rewarding to shape another child's life in this manner showing her a good example of how to live & treat others. If I had even one more child I could not afford to help this little girl who is not my own out. I do not work outside of the home. I have tried to get a job in this market & am just not willing to sacrifice my family for it. I volunteer at my daughter's school a lot & at church. Give it time you just might find your life filling up as your son gets older. Once he is school age you might even find it more of a challenge because he will have so many more influences in his life. By the way I love to bring my daughter & her friends when I volunteer at the food bank, they seem to really get a lot out of helping others themselves.
I hope this give you food for thought. God Bless.

My husband and I are perfectly happy with 1 child. We know it's the right fit for US.
You can consider the fact that God allows His perfect will in His perfect time.
If you feel so inclined, why not consider adoption?

My situation is similar to yours. We were on clomid for 1.5 years each time to get my two daughters (now 14 & 11). Then things got tough. We felt there was still another child yet to join our family, and although the clomid was doing it's job I just wasn't getting pregnant. We considered adoption, but were a little bit apprehensive (as you are). It just didn't feel right at that time.

The hardest thing for me was accepting that God had a plan for me and my family. I had to learn patience, and I learned that He truly was watching out for us, and that He knows what is best and what is coming in the future for us, so we must trust Him.

After 7 years on clomid and one miscarriage, our son was finally born. He's now 3.5. We both feel that there is yet another child who is supposed to join our family, and I got pregnant twice last year without trying...both ended in early/mid-term miscarriage. (That was harder than not being able to get pregnant!!!)

Interestingly enough, I'm now 38 and feel completely open to the idea of adoption. We found an agency, got certified, and are looking for a child/children to adopt. My kids are excited about adopting, and love the idea of "filling in the gap" in ages in our family with other kids. Your perspective does change as you get older, and God can help you learn to accept/enjoy where you are as well as whisper to you where you will be.

I am not sure you will ever get over the feeling of being incomplete. I know that many women say when you are DONE, you have that feeling. When you no longer want more children, you feel complete.

Can you talk with your husband about the possibility of a surrogate? Donated eggs and a surrogate? Adoption? Foster care?

I do not think this is God's way of telling you that you cannot handle another child. You are faced with the very unfortunate situation and I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you find the answers you want!

Adoption is amazing. We are currently doing the 'fast track' with ours and it will hopefully be finalized in Oct. We have a beautiful 6 1/2 year old daughter (natural). We tried for #2 but after a miscarriage and fertility (few months of clomid. Didn't want to go any further than that) we decided there are so many children out there that need a good home. I was sooo afraid I couldn't love first of all another child the same but an adopted child? Let me tell you, we've had our little boy since Jan when he was 6 1/2 months old. I can't love him anymore than I do. He seems so natural, so ours. It's like he's always been with us. He even looks like us! We were on the foster/adoption wait list for just under 2 years. It was so worth the wait. We are giving a deserving child a good home and family and we aren't spending thousands of dollars to do it. That money can go to our children's futures. You can love them like your own because they ARE your own.

Well something we starting doing last summer was hosting a child from the Fresh Air Fund. This is a wonderful program. Its a program for kids in the city that are not exposed to fresh air, swimming and green grass. Anyhow he hosted a wonderful child the same age as our oldest son.
This would help you in your dilemna for a short amount of time.
Also we had a diffucult time conceiving with our first child but with our next two children we were not even trying. I found out although I don't fit the profile I have PCO's. Pollysyctic ovaries ( not the correct spelling) I went on Metoformin. I don't have diabeties but this is medicine used for diabetics. I was on the medicine to conceive with our first child. This really helped. I conceived in a short amount of time with each child.

I also believe that God will not give you more than you can handle. If you truly feel that your heart is incomplete and you were meant to love and care for more than maybe you really are, but just not in the manner that you expected. Maybe take a break from modern medicine for a little while, just to give both your body and wallet a rest and see where God guilds you to?

I think your question is very hard to answer. I had several miscarriages before I had my 1st son. Then I went on to have another miscarriag before my second son was born. That feeling to have another child is very strong and I don't know if it goes away. Maybe in time one just learns how to deal with it better. However, I would never say never about a second child.

Even with my two boys and my days being completely full and working a full-time job outside the home I still have that urge to nurture another child! sometimes I think I'm crazy for feeling this way because my two boys are a handful!
but I know that I don't want to give birth again but I would like to adopt a child (a girl) close in age to my oldest son who is six years old. I ran the idea by my husband of being foster parents and he thought I was nuts because I'm always saying how tired I am.
So, if adoption was ever is ever in your plans there is a chance that you can still have that child which would be close in age to your son.

Another pregnancy may not be in God's will for your life. That doesn't mean another child is not. It is possible He is not allowing you to become pregnant at this time because He will need you to be open when He brings a child in need into your life.
I don't know God's will for your life and unfortunantely at this point neither do you but His ways are always Good. For you and His glory. No matter if you don't have another child or have 10 more (natural or adoption,etc) you most trust Him on this.
I also feel as I was an only child...my sister is 13 years younger then 1. Only 5 years older than my son infact. I also wish for that closeness that siblings have especially as adults but it was not meant to be. I wanted a large family (at least 5) but my husband came from a large family (10) and didn't want too many children.... he was done with 2 but God gave us #3 (Surprise!!!) and we are truelly blessed.
Be thankful and grateful for what you have, a delightlfull, happy, healthy, great little boy. God may need you to be able to devote more than you think you have to your only son when he starts fullfilling His plan in your sons life as well. It may be an illness or accident (God forbid) or something so wonderfully overwhelming that it will take all you have to help him nuture that gift/talent or pursue God's will for his life as well. As one wise mom once said to me "you may be raising the next Billy Graham, Peter, John or Mark....or you may be raising the next ted bundy or charles manson." Not sure how that helps you, but it did help bring some clarity to why God was doing some things in my life that he was doing!
BTW- some single child families are truelly amazing and worth envying from us multichild parents (and other one child parents too) who run chaotic in circles trying not to pull our hair out when each child has an activity going on in a different location at the same time, or everyone has a huge project due the same day and they all need cookies baked or pictures printed. At times I wish I had more "me"s to keep up with my children. Think of your luck- One child, one mom, one dad! Luckily girl! LOL
**wanted to add something else.... maybe it is for your own health and evenlife that God is not allowing you another child at this time, or ever. You are needed to raise the son you have. HIS ways are not our ways, we do not have to understand them to trust HIM.**
Hope this helps :)

Hi Tracye,

I don't have the answer to your question. I'm in the same boat...my husband went through 3 miscarriages and 3 IVFs to conceive our miracle son. Now with one IVF and one frozen embryo transfer following our son, my husband wants us to stop (I cannot conceive naturally).

Though my mind is in agreement, my heart will never be. I'm struggling...

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Prayers are with you.

I have one son (from when I was married) and am trying for another (with my boyfriend), but I am 42 now, and also had a miscarriage, about 6 months ago. I did acupuncture but haven't gone much farther than that; given my age, it is more likely that I won't get pregnant than that I will. I know how you feel; I really would love for my son to have a sibling as well. and is it just me or does it seem like every frickin' female walking down the street and in the tv shows is pregnant? that doesn't help. I just feel like I have a hard enough time with hormone issues as it is, so taking a hormone to improve my pregnancy chances does not sound at all appealing to me, and if I go to great lengths to try to get pregnant and it doesn't work out, or if I have another miscarriage, I'd be so much more sad, you know? Right now I'm just not trying; sometimes that works too. I'm aware of when I ovulate but I'm not taking my temperature anymore or anything. You are much younger and I have heard of many crazy situations where women get pregnant after they stop trying. I'm sure the stress from it doesn't help, you know? anyway I am pretty much in the same boat; I feel your pain, sister. I don't want to give up either. I think it's a process.. I know dogs aren't the same as kids, but is that a possibility?

It is a normal response to feel as though you would not love a second child as much as the first. Weather they are adopted or biological. You sound like you are being really hard on yourself and possibly missing some wonderful opportunities with you son and the future of your family. Just as God wont give you anyhting that you cant handle he also does things in his own time not ours and sometimes rushing the process auses us to lose sight of our original goals. You seem like you have a lot of love to give. Maybe volunteering or something, even with your son would help to fullfill some of that void while your are awaiting to see what God's plan is for you! I am sure it is wonderful and even more than you could imagine! God Bless you!

I can't say that I know exactly what you are going through but I have always wanted to adopt. A couple at our church started a group that meets I think on Tuesday for Foster Parents and Parents adopting or wanting to adopt. I've heard it's a really good group that helps answer questions that someone might have about adopting. I don't think you would have trouble caring for an adopted child as much as your biological child. I've always wanted to eventually adopt and wandered the same thing but after thinking about it know that I would treat that child the same as my others and would love them the same as well. If you want to check out the group I think the dates are listed on our churches website. www.fbcpville.org. Or you can call the church. ###-###-####. It was started through the church but is open to anyone.

I have two daughters that are just short of 20 years apart (not planned). That was God's plan for me. I have 2 natural grandchildren and 2 from my daughter's husband. Three of these children are older than my youngest daughter. All I can say is that I am truly blessed. Trying to plan every step of your life will not necessarily give you the most happiness. Go with the flow and enjoy!

My family had adopted a brother and sister when they were 5 and 7 years old. We love them as if they are our own biological sibling. If you feel that you want to adopt, then you should not worry so much. Once you spend time with that child, you will develop a bond with that child. If you can not have any more children, and you are feeling incomplete, maybe that is telling you that there is a sweet spirit who needs a family.
My suggestion is to have family prayer about adoption. And if you guys have a positive feeling about it, then start the process. Praying about your desires will help out.
Hope this is helpful to you and good luck!
S.

How old are you T.? I would say if you're in your twenties still, maybe lay off the infertility treatments for a while and focus in being happy with what you have. Sometimes when the stress of having to conceive is taken out of the equation, your body will pick things up naturally.

I am not religious, but since you are maybe it's not god telling you that you can't have another child... maybe now it's just not the right time. You won't get your desired age difference, but if you have a few years to spare, you can save up for more expensive treatments in the future.

It is hard to come to terms with having less children that you want. My daughter will likely stay an only child... for other reasons... but I try to appreciate what I have not be sour over what I cannot.
Good luck!

Before you give up on having another baby, has your doctor checked your thyroid? I tried for 3 years and my doctor checked my thyroid, started me on synthroid and a month after starting the synthroid I was pregnant! It could be something as simple as that. (And, just so you know, my level was in the normal level, but it was at the high end of normal. So don't let them tell you it's ok if it is high-normal.)

adoption would be a great option! and they could be closer in age.

Just saw your letter and I just wanted yo encourage you to go to acupuncture. There are many acupuncture practitioners who specialise in fertility and pregnancy issues. I had 4 miscarriges over a two year period and then found a fantastic acupuncturist who I went to religiously every week for 6 months and I am now 5 and half months pregnant with a very healthy baby boy. My other son turned 4 in May. I am also 39 years old. I swear by the acupuncture treatment and if I were you I would stay away from western fertility treatment for a while because that can ultimately upset you own body's natural balance. You are so young I would definitely give this a try. As regards adoption I have very close friends who have an adopted little girl and a biological child and they definitely love them more than equally. I feel if there are children who are meant to be in your life they will find a way to come to you!
PS Celene Dion has just conceived twins after nine years of fertility treatment and she swears that it was the acupuncture treatment she did before her last round of IVF that has created this so far successful pregnancy.

so are so young still - dont give up! did you have any probs with getting pregnant the first time? has your husband had any fertitlity tests? i know you want to have a 2nd and perhaps when the stress settles down of trying to conceive again, it will happen. are you ovulating at all?if it means that much to you for your child to have a sibling and the natural way doesnt work out, then i would pursue adoption. there are tons of children out there in his age range that are just waiting for someone to take them. good luck!

I am in the same boat...due to complications after my son's birth, I had to have a hysterectomy, so there is no question of us being able to have another child now. We started saving right away for adoption, and are about half way to our goal now, 2 yrs later. I totally understand that "incomplete" feeling, and also feeling guilty for feeling that way! I think you need to seriously consider your options...adoption, surrogacy, having an only child etc. Take a good, hard look at all the options, pros & cons, and see which one you can live with. For me, I know I won't be happy until we welcome another child into our home...and I look at the hysterectomy as a sign that we were meant to adopt. Somewhere out there is a child who was meant to be part of our family. I wish you luck on your journey!