Help Ease the Pain My Kids Father Has a New Family

Is there any way that father and son could spend a day or two together alone? 14 is such a tender age, the time when a boy especially needs a relationship with his father.

Dear S. i think that you should arrange special activites at least twice a year to be with your kids. your husband needs to understand that he has two kids that miss him and need him still. if he cant understand this than you should go see a councelor.- shelley s.

Just because you divorced or "went your separate ways" doesn't mean that his kids are not his family any longer, and I find it a little strange that you are wording it like that. Did their father just completely cut them off? They are both old enough to be able to have a relationship with their father separate from the relationship they have with you, if you cannot get along with him, but as the first poster responded, we don't know all the details here. My parents divorced when I was 14; it was MY choice whether or not to have a relationship with the parent I did not live with (my mom), and for a long time I chose not to pursue one. My dad remarried, but I was still his family. At this point, I don't speak with him on a regular basis, but he is still my dad, and now I speak to my mom every week. There was an awful lot I had to get past to be able to have a relationship with my mom, she actually left the state and I didn't hear from her for years (15, to be exact), so talk about your abandonment issues! In my case, it just took time and a lot of growing up to do on my part before I was able to look at the situation objectively as an adult and let what happened in the past stay there and moved on. That is what had to be done for MY sanity, regardless if I ever would have had a relationship with my mom again or not. Back on topic...if your kids are feeling left out because dad remarried, then they need to have a conversation with him about that to try and remedy the situation. If the problem seems to be with the new wife seeming to leave them out of plans or making sure that dad is too busy all the time, then all of them need to sit down and talk about that so your kids can try and schedule time with their dad. But they also have to be realistic here...Dad probably isn't going to be available to their every whim, but SHOULD put an effort into making a relationship with his children, even if it is just a phone call because your son needs to talk to him. It won't be the same they may be used to (if they had a close relationship) but they will need to be open to that change. And along those same lines, if the problem is that you didn't want them to have a relationship with him, for whatever reason, you need to be up front with them about that so they don't feel abandoned. I can't think of anything else that you, personally, would be able to do for them that you aren't already doing though, because if the problem is bothering your son to that extent, he really needs to talk to his father to clear the air since that is where the problem seems to lie. Also, there are a lot of things we don't know...did they have a regular relationship with their father until he remarried, or have then not had any relationship at all since you split up? If there was no relationship, was it their choice, yours, or his? If for whatever reason your ex flat out refuses to speak to your son about this, then you need to find someone that he can talk to (counseling) to help him deal with the situation before he gets deeper into his depression. You mentioned that you are going to counseling, but if it is family counseling you are referring to, perhaps your son would feel more comfortable speaking to someone one on one. Or even possibly your ex going to counseling with your son to be able to clear the air if he is agreeable to that solution. Unfortunately, I can't give you any magic words to be able to make the situation go away. Believe me, I wish I could. It is an awful thing to say that disappointments are all a part of life, but they are. I know that all of us have had someone in our lives that we are or thought we were very close to not live up to our expectations of them, and it is unfortunate that in a lot of our lives this is a part of growing up...taking off the blinders to see people (yes, even our parents) for who they really are and to accept that everyone has flaws, not one of us is perfect. I am hoping that your son will be able to "fix" his relationship with his dad, but if it doesn't work I hope he can find someone he trusts to be able to talk to and work out his feelings and move past the hurt. He will be a stronger person for it. Your family will be in my prayers. Best of luck to all of you.

have you tried talking with the boys father and his wife? also if he is talking of death and you have noticed that he seems to have what are alot of bug bites please get him into a doctor immediatley. The bite like injurys could be a sign that he is cutting himself to make the pain of being sad go away. I've been dealing with my daughter for the past 2 years with her depression and it started when she was about 14 she started cutting herself etc. Right now your son is at a really tough time in his life what with hormones and other things. What ever you do let him know that he can talk to anyone that the both of you trust and find him someone that he could trust that isn't you.

T. Fultz

Your son is probably at a time in his life where he is really looking for male guidance - does he get much of that from your current husband? He does not replace his own father, but it might help if they have some alone, boy time together, especially if you are unable to involve his real father in his life. Have you talked to him and explained how your son is feeling and suggested keeping regular "dates" with his son? His parental responsibility doesn't go away just because he has a new household to tend to. I know from experience that sometimes kids are too shocked initially to feel abandoned, but as time goes by and the absent parent gets deeper into a life with someone else, especially having more kids with this person, the sense of loss become much more pronounced. Also, was he close with his sister? If she is 19, she may have been his ally, and is she has moved out recently or something he may feel more alone, so maybe they could make an effort to spend more time together as siblings. It always helps to be around someone who shares your story.
When I was depressed at that age, counseling with a stranger really did not help me. ACTION is the only way I think you can really overcome it. He needs to be involved, have plenty of caring people involved, and be doing meaningful activities with them. I am glad you are taking it seriously and please continue to watch him carefully. I had a big wake up call when my father arrived at school in the middle of my day to pull me from class - a big deal because he had to cancel all his patient appointments - to spend time and talk with me after a friend told him the extent of my depression. Things began to turn around after that, but not without a lot of effort, especially on my part, but I felt more reason to get happy - hopefully you can find that reason for your son!

Unfortunetly, this is NOT one of those things you are going to be able to fix. THIS is DAD's thing. HE has to talk to your son and tell him how HE feels. Your son KNOWS you are not his dad and that you do not feel or think for his dad, therefore your words don't have any credibility in THAT department. You know what I mean? The only other substitution for fatherhood devotion and reassurance must come from your new husband. HE can tell you son that HE personally thinks your boy is awesome and that he's so blessed to be able to share life with him.

In the end though, the only way to make this better is for DAD to get involved. So, call him out!!!

Of course it is a loss, a hard one for kids to understand moreso when that person is still physically available. Does your husband see the kids, if not why? Do you encourage a relationship with them?
My ex moved 1,000 miles away and moved on but I also make sure the kids call him nightly to say good night and fill them in with their day. He visits less and less and it is heart breaking to see a child question and feel so left. However, all you can do is continue the counseling, be honest about the situation especially with older kids. You cannot control how their dad interacts with them, however you should be able to go to him and explain how it is making your son feel and hopefully he will care enough to step up. If not then you tried, kids need to know that no matter what is happening that they have the security and love of both parents, not feeling like you two are in battle.
Answer questions honestly, that is all you can do. You cannot speak for your ex husband but you can give the situation a positive prospective.
Be there for your son, call your ex and explain what is going on with his child too and be there for your son. Counseling is essential, just keep close tabs on him and his moods/school work, who he is around at school. Maybe even encourage a new hobby, sport or something as a distraction.
Hang in there, I understand fully it is so hard and the kids get the brunt of it!
Make sure two your new husband doesn't try to play dad but is there to be a positive role model for him and make your children feel loved too.

I don't know the details but I do know the feeling of abandonment very well. My dad got married again when I was 10 years old. My step mom is only 14 years older than me.She seemed to be ok until she was starting her own family and it seemed he was always busy. He left to Colorado from Arizona when I was 13 and the 1st step sibling 6 weeks old and we almost didn't meet her.The night my dad was getting ready to leave I called them and see when we were going to see them and the response we got was I am moving to Colorado tonight. He wasn't even going to say good bye. When my mom took us over there to see them right after we hung up I was broken hearted. I didn't really get close with my dad until I was 24 years old when I moved out to Colorado. My sister and I had alot of anger through out alot of our lives. My mom had to do alot of counseling. I hid alot of my feelings and went numb. It took me many years to be convinced to get married and for someone who didn't want kids I do have one and I love her very much. My sister ended up in charter ( medical hospital in AZ for troubled teens) hospital and I never knew how much anger she had towards me and my mom and dad. I can't say there is an easy way to get through this. Your child may need to sit down with his dad and explain how he feels. The other thing is you may want to see if he would be happier to live with his dad( If that is an option)for awhile and let him decide where to stay. My mom gave me that option but I wasn't ready but I knew it was there if I ever wanted. I hope this helps and gl.

pray for him. if your ex is willing, have him call or email your son at least. if not, love your son, and show him.

if their dad is a part of their life then i think he should know what is going on so he can help with this situation.
even the step mothe could help. things get soooo hectic in a single family household but eveyone shoud help in this.

good luck

I would talk to the father and tell him how bad it is. I would suggest that he call every night and talk about his day and let him know that he is very loved. My ex calls several times a week and talks to our son. He talks as long as our son will talk to him. He doesn't pressure him to talk longer or shorter in any way. Our son feels very loved, but has a problem with the new step mother. I know it is hard, but a phone call is very helpful. GOOD LUCK!!!

Since you received several comments about situations that didn't necessarily end well, I thought I would write and tell you that my husband lived through a very similar experience--only his father had completely taken himself out of the picture. My husband has said that 13 and 14 were extremely difficult, but he had a supportive and loving mother, and in the end he has grown up to be a strong, confident man, a great husband, and such an amazing father that people comment on it...a lot. He was involved in the big brother program, and I know that was a really positive experience for him--that may be something to consider. I just wanted to let you know that people aren't completely messed up by this--they can be all the better for having lived through it. Good luck.

Having been where your son is now -- you can't ease the pain. It will always hurt. He will always feel unwanted by his dad. His dad left. Nothing will change that fact. When he goes to his dad's house he is a visitor and has been replaced with new children from another woman. Get him some help NOW and someone to talk to about his feelings. He is at the age when he desperately needs his father and not his mother's husband. It makes a difference. Divorce is ugly and children always suffer. Good luck!

What if the 'kid" is NO longer a kid when the Father gains a new family and ditches his own children... I am 23 and am SO depressed that I am being ignored and shut out. I feel angry, resentful, and depressed, but then again he was nver abusive or did drugs so then I think I should be GRATEFUL for that not being suc ha child.. yet i can't help my feelings... What do you do in THIS situation???

if birth father cant be involved and if understand right u remarried see if he would sit and talk too him.
how close is ure 19 year old with 14 year old can u lean on ure older daughter too help,
something you said below

I didn't really or think it bothered the childeren until my son started asking me that if I thought his dads wife would let him (his dad) come over if he needed help

have him call his father and see what happends.therapist dont recomded this all the time cuz of rejection but rejection sometimes slaps kids with truth and truth takes em out of depression.the ? is what kinda depression is leaden too this death topic u mention.