As my wonderful son approaches school age, my husband and I are faced a very large decision. We were both raised on the Eastern side of the country. Shortly after our son was born a wonderful job opportunity took us to Maui. My son and I loved it there. Not just for all the obvious reasons, but for many health reasons as well as the friends and lifestyle we were building. However my DH decided he wanted more (space to drive, rivers, hiking trails ...ect.). Upon his insistence (and total lack of help) I planned a move that brought us to California. I came hoping for the best and trusting my DH's desires and dreams as I, too, enjoyed the active-outdoor life. It's now been almost 2 years and he is absolutely miserable. He has done nothing but complain and sink into deep depression about how we "screwed up" by coming here. The job isn't right or good enough, the weather is too cold, the hiking isn't as enjoyable, the driving is too much and so on. To further all these negative thoughts, he has now resorted back to discrediting our every decision including our move from the Eastern part of the country to Maui. (The reason we moved in the 1st place was not only job opportunity, but to avoid financial disaster) I now have a lack of trust in his supposed "desires and dreams" since they never seem to meet his expectations. Personally, I would like to raise our son back on the islands where I felt at home and happiest. All our family is back east and I do miss them as well. I just can't foresee us being able to create a financially stable, let alone happy, life back there. My side of the family has been completely supportive of our move(s) and we skype and make contact almost daily. However my husband's father (who is severely depressive and negative) continues to try and "guilt" my DH to move back. My FIL refuses to skype and frequently tries to cause problems within our marriage. Even my MIL left him over his negative and mentally abusive nature. How can we rationally decide where the best place to raise our son would be. I feel so strongly about my convictions when it comes to this, yet I am trying to remain objective. At this point I've told my DH I am not willing to move anywhere until he can set himself apart from his controlling father. I love my husband and he is a wonderful father, I'm just unsure how to handle this mighty impass we have reached. I feel stability is the goal and creating that for my son is my driving force.
**I should add: We do have a trip back East in the works for this summer. Our previous trips back have always resulted in my FIL causing problems and my DH being overly influenced by his father. I do feel moving back to the islands is the "right" choice, but don't want to do it at the cost of my husband or my son's father. Also, Dh has been "self-helping" via every book ever written and by talking with anyone who will listen- I have encouraged counseling but he doesn't want to "become hooked on pills"- I too have delt with my own battles of depression an am fully aware of all it does. I am very appreciative of the support on here- you all are great. :)
It's been some time since the original post, but here is an update:
We did take a trip (a whole 3 weeks!) back East to see family & friends. Although I am grateful for that time with my family, it was the "nail in the coffin" in regards to ever moving back there. My FIL caused an incredible amount of animosity, upset and unbearable control over the ENTIRE trip. My DH fell right into his typical role of "doting son" and lost a lot of respect from my family. I was left embarrassed, stressed, hurt and further more, ashamed of my DH's and FIL's actions. It came right down to an intense discussion with my DH's family- I found out much later that FIL went around telling who-ever would listen that "he had to set me straight" (!?) That was absolutely NOT how it all went. So, after thousand of dollars spent on this trip, months of planning and preparation for parties & reunions, I now have the affirmation I needed to work towards moving even further west. I do realize that no distance will change my FIL. I also know that DH has to WANT to change his emotional state before any amount of help will work. He has been doing a little better. Things were actually going fairly well up until Thanksgiving time. He then sank into another round of depression and anxiety. He has been getting some help, but as one person stated, nothing is going to change overnight.
For now I am working towards the goal of moving back to where our son & I are happiest. I figure better to please 2 out of 3 then none at all. Thank you all for your support. It has helped me on multiple occasions. :)
This line was very telling - "my husband's father (who is severely depressive and negative)". You may know that depression and negative outlook on life are "inherited" both through genetics and through example. You say your husband has "s[u]nk into deep depression". Is he getting treated for this depression?
It's not likely that moving anywhere is going to help him if he is truly depressed. These are two separate issues.
It doesn't sound like your husband is going to be happy anywhere I am sorry to say. What you need to do is to convince him to go to counseling to work on this.
I agree with everyone else, that your husband will not be happy no matter where he moves because of his negative and depressed attitude. If he is not happy in Cali, and even regrets moving to Maui (how could you regret moving to Hawaii? I would love to live in Hawaii!), he will not be happy anywhere else. And he will definitely never be happy if he is around his father, who sounds like an emotionally abusive and depressed person. Both of my parents are negative people who can also be emotionally abusive (trying to manipulate and get me to do what THEY want me to do, with no concern for my own happiness), and I definitely function better when I have my distance from them. If he is already a depressed, negative person, being around his father will just make him feel worse.
It sounds like you and your son were really happy in Maui, and if you have friends there and liked the lifestyle you were living, maybe this would be the best place for your family. I think that if you don't have any family around, it helps to have friends, and if you have good friends there, then that helps a lot. If you have the opportunity to go back, and it would work out for you financially, then I think you should go for it. Whatever you decide to do, good luck!
Moving won't help. He sounds depressed and it is not just the comment about your FIL. Looking at what you say regarding his attitude toward californa: the job isn't right, the weather is too cold, the hiking isn't as enjoyable, driving too much.... Depressed people can remember that things used to be enjoyable, but they can't find or feel that enjoyment in the activities that used to bring it. So it must be that the trails in CA are not as good because hiking in CA isn't enjoyable. Please get him help for depression. If he won't see a doctor for it, get "the Chemistry of Joy" and try that. But get help before his depression becomes chronic and saps all the joy out of life for you too. Good Luck!
Updated
Moving won't help. He sounds depressed and it is not just the comment about your FIL. Looking at what you say regarding his attitude toward californa: the job isn't right, the weather is too cold, the hiking isn't as enjoyable, driving too much.... Depressed people can remember that things used to be enjoyable, but they can't find or feel that enjoyment in the activities that used to bring it. So it must be that the trails in CA are not as good because hiking in CA isn't enjoyable. Please get him help for depression. If he won't see a doctor for it, get "the Chemistry of Joy" and try that. But get help before his depression becomes chronic and saps all the joy out of life for you too. Good Luck!
I think that it's probably about time for you and DH to take a 2-week trip back to the east coast. Not necessarily to look for where to live but to remind him once again why the two of you moved to Hawaii in the first place. Go ahead and look at housing prices on the east coast, drive as often as possible in all that heavy traffic (if you will be in an urban area), and spend as much time as possible with all of your relatives and let them drive you absolutely crazy. And when you are done with all that, that would be a good time to talk to your husband about the islands and happy you were there.
That's what I would do if I were you. Good luck.
If I was in that situation, I would go back to where you were happy. If your hubby is still going to be a downer, at least you will be in your happy place! No reason for you both to be unhappy, and if he's going to be depressed wherever you live, might as well be where one of you is happy. lol. (I would probably look into getting your hubby into some kind of counseling... it's possible that he could benefit from medication...)
I suffer from depression too, and trust me when I say don't make any big decisions until he's gone on anti-depressants AND they've had time to work (could be several weeks and might need to try different medications until he finds one that works for him). I was absolutely miserable and desperate to move until I finally figured out what was going on. Not to mention how miserable I was making my poor husband (God bless him for putting up with me ) I still want to move :) but I'm much more level-headed about it and the urgency I felt about it before is gone.
It will also benefit your marriage if he takes care of his depression.
Take it from me, been there- but on the other side :)
Hang in there. It can be better.
I agree with your assessment that your husband needs to deal with his negative attitude (connection with father, included) before moving again. I suggest that he's suffering from a combination of having been raised by and still influenced by a negative and abusive father which has resulted in his own depression. He sounds very depressed.
My mother was depressed but not abusive. Still, I grew up depressed and didn't realize it until I lost my first significant male relationship. I started in counseling and gradually saw how negative I was and learned to be more optimistic and proactive in making the life I wanted.
When we grow up with the depression it is difficult to recognize our own depression. I urge you to get him in for counseling and possibly medication. My psychiatrist told me that my chemistry was changed by my chronic depression and that talk therapy would help I needed the medication to straighten out the chemistry.
Good for you for being proactive. Arranging the move to California was difficult and now you're probably depressed because it isn't working. It's very difficult to live with a depressed person. I had to go back on medication when I married a man who turned out to be extremely depressed. So, counseling and/or medication may be of help to you also.
I understand why you'd want to move back to the islands. I encourage you to work in that direction.
I agree with Laurie D. A trip to the East would put living there in better perspective.
So you have two issues you are dealing with. The first is that your husband sounds like he shares your FIL's depression (it is hereditary). That is the first issue that needs to be addressed. Once that is addressed you and your husband should be able to discuss the second issue, where to live, without problems. He has to get help, or he will end up like his father.
Your son is going to thrive when his parents are satisfied with life. I do believe place has a big influence on your happiness, but it's not the deciding factor. If your husband had a support network on the islands, I would push for moving back. He can get counseling and help and be among friends. However, as others have said, without help, no matter what happens your husband will be miserable. Try to talk to your husband without the filter of what his dad thinks and see if that makes any difference. Although his poor outlook and negativity might be so ingrained that he cannot separate himself from his dad. For what it's worth, people who don't want to change don't. If he sees the problem and gets professional help that would be ideal.
Best of luck!
M.
Well your Husband needs therapy.
And it can take, years, for a person to come to peace with themselves and to then, turn their mentality around.
And, not all people can do that, nor have the ability to do so.
Especially, since he has been this way probably all his life and is most like his Dad.
There is a dysfunctional relationship, there.
A person, can move or keep or throw away friends/relatives etc.
But the problem, will always be there no matter where they go, because, the problem resides, IN them.
I am so sorry to hear this. If moving back to HI would possibly be, as you say, "at the cost of your husband" then I would try to entertain some other ideas at least until he is more emotionally stable. I think the self-help books are a good thing, but he might need more help than that. I personally know, as you say you do, about depression. Counseling, although I didn't go that route, isn't necessarily going to lead to anti-depressants. There should be no shame in taking anti-depressants though! At a time I really wanted to be on anti-depressants, I couldn't because of the financial strain. There are other ways to make it through, but I just think it makes it more of a struggle.
I have lived in CA my whole life - mainly in Santa Cruz, but in LA, and Humboldt County as well. It really does have A LOT to offer. There's Disneyland, Hollywood, the beaches, the mountains, the state parks. I know it's probably tough to be in the car with a young child if you want to get out for the hiking trips, but at least you have that option. We took my 2 1/2 year old to the snow for the first time this year and it was a lot of travelling for a weekend but it was great!
Of course, last summer was our coldest in 30 year and that has gotten me down. Maui is gorgeous, I've been there too, but it is pretty small!! You wouldn't have to put it off forever. I think kids are very resilient so even if your son had to switch schools, I'm sure it'd be ok. Think about getting a sense of what your husband really wants before the vacation back East. Then, you'll know what he wanted before talking to his father since he tends to be overly influenced.
Good luck to you!!!
I just want to add that depression is a medical illness, and therapy alone may not be enough to treat it. WebMD has lots of information about depression- worth checking out :)
Ok, I know what you are going through. My husband and I both are from California, however we moved to Texas right before the housing fall. We moved here because the quality of life is financially. Housing, gas etc is cheaper, there are a ton of free things to do with the kids and the pay is the same. However, we dont' fit in so after 5 1/2 years we are planing our move back to cali. Was your husband not happy in Maui?? If he was then you need to go back as that is where you were happiest. If not, then it may be just too big of a culture shock for your husband. I am assuming he was raised back east. Self help books are great but only IF YOU TAKE THE ACTION that goes along with it. Just reading it doesn't do anything.
There's alot of debate about pills and really the pills are supposed to be only a temporary fix to help you get where you need to be... but unfortunately, that's rarely the case. Also, from my own experience the pills help (I also struggle with depression) until I have an episode then I found that the pills made it more difficult. I have known multiple people on anti depressants that later killed themselves with the spouse not even thinking there was an issue. With that said only YOU know what is best for your family and I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a big discussion about how you are feeling, how is feeling, and about where you both might be able to be happy.
LIKE FATHER LIKE SON (Hope the trait isn't passed on to your son)
If your husband can't set himself apart from a "controlling" father that's 3000 miles away a further move won't change a thing. Perhaps a separate vacation would do the both of you a world of good. You say he's a great father, but the reservation I would have is sending my child with a depressed person who is "hooked" on pills. If you feel you could trust him have you considered letting your husband take your son on vacation to see his folks and you do something that will make you happy?
Blessings....
I think you should remind hubby that the grass is always greener on the other side! It sounds like he got what he wanted when he moved to CA, but it turns out he didn't really want it. Life is what you make of it. You get out of it what you put in to it and you can be happy anywhere as long as you put in the effort to do things that make you happy.
He got what he wanted when he moved to CA - space to drive, rivers and hiking trails. Now, he's not happy with that. Your hubby is looking outside to find happiness when he should be looking within.
Until hubby figures that out, he won't be happy anywhere so you may as well stay put. I would, however, strongly oppose any move that will put you next to your FIL because things will only get worse.
Good luck!
