I need some sisterly advice so bad...I don't even know where to start, but I feel some background information would be much needed...
I have a lifelong friend who I basically consider my sister. She is an only child no siblings except for me & my brother in a way... My parents have always considered her their second daughter & she calls them her second parents. This same sense of endearment was not reciprocated that much by her parents, but nonetheless we were/are sisters.
She's had a very difficult childhood, I think that's why she was so easily accepted into our family. Her parents weren't absent in her life just very dysfunctional to say the least. I would say her mother is covertly verbally abusive and just all around overbearing and controlling. Her Dad was always distant non affectionate figure in her life. It wasn't what I would say loving father daughter relationship, but he wasn't abusive or demanding at all. I guess in some ways I/we never felt his presence...maybe that's b/c her mom was always in control...LOL
Anyway back to the point of my post...Through the years we've kept in contact, but have lived totally different lives. It seems like our life patterns just never matched up. I was going to college--she got married, and had a child. So at that point it was hard to meet up , or do anything as I was single in school etc....Just as I got married, started having children she and her husband split up, and she was a struggling single mom, that was going through something that I really didn't know how to relate to...
Without going into ALL the details, she basically up and left her daughter who is now 6 about 2.5 yr ago with her father. I was talking to her through this whole time (as much as I could that is with a infant/toddler at the time) And of course she was always stressed out with working, having to live with the ever Beast of a Mother, and cordially juggle visitations etc w/ the ex. But she up and left w/ out a word. She sent me a text & said I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I moved to NV I can't talk now but when I can I will call you!! I was totally shocked and I totally feel/felt guilty. Why couldn't she tell me, was she scared I was going to judge. But in the back of my mind I kind of knew why. She & my bro are really similar. And in their minds I was always the one who did everything 'right'. Went to school, got good grades, star athlete etc, so I think they have always felt compared to me. And I think quite frankly she felt ashamed...But I wasn't in a place I really could offer her help. But I so wanted too, and quite frankly I think if she asked I would have figured something out but she never did.
Anyway When we did reconnected, about a yr ago, I listened to her with no judgment. I told her I totally understand, I'm always here for her. I made it a point to not feel like I was chastising her or criticizing her for her decision. Her mother has always taken care of that aspect. But all the while my Mommy instinct was really thinking how could you just leave your little girl..I've never told her any of this. But in some ways I think she knew..The reason being is I have first hand experience with this my parents are raising my 2 nephews, their mother & my brother having chosen drugs over their children. And much of our conversations, prior to me having kids were always about how I couldn't understand etc etc. These kids just need their Mommy & Daddy ect...So even tho' I did my best not to judge just like any sister she probably knows exactly what I was thinking....But in the same respect in some ways her reasoning made sense. She couldn't handle the goodbyes, her Daughter was constantly whining that she wanted to be with her Daddy. I think in some ways she felt rejected by her little girl. And then her ex's talk up the world to my sis, and basically up and split on the relationship, and to see her little girl not "wanting" Mommy she said for get it, maybe its best she does stays with Daddy.....So I went with it.
But flashforward today....well now her ex- is flaking out on her daughter too... Saying he can't handle her, she has all kinds of emotional problems, she's acting out etc etc (who woulnd't at this rate) And now for this school year the little girl is going to stay with her ex's BRother & SIL in hopes of providing a more stable and fulling enviroment for their little girl.....
I'm so torn I don't know what to say to my 'sister'..Or what my part is in this, if any at all? Am I to be the compassionate sister, or am I to be an advocate for her daughter? Quite frankly, I didn't get to spend much physical time w/ her daughter and her. But we always talked & I've always known what was going on with her and her daughter. But I'm fuming and this whole scenario is on my mind day in and day out.....
I kind of feel like it's my position to finally say something, or do something? Whenever I try to get together with her so we can see each other face to face...she always has excuses, we don't have enough room (she shacked up w/ some guy I don't know, I won't even go there), I'm never coming back to Cali...We only have one vehicle etc etc. I think the last time I saw her was when at the birth of my 1st son. :(
Advise Moms/sisters... should I just sit back and tell her I'm here for her, that I am more than willing to be the middle point w/o all the drama where she and her daughter can meet? Or I guess get her to fess up whether she even wants to see her daughter and get to the root of the what's going on and see where she's coming from? I still don't know why she doesn't want to visit or be involved in her daughters life outside of phone calls?? Or do I finally just tell her what I think, and explain to her how much her little girl needs her. And she's gotten her selfish time, now it's time to be the "mommy" she and her husband became when they decided to bring this LO into the world.
my worst fear is to cause her to shut down. As it is since her daughter has been living with her aunt & uncle. She has been avoided me? although, last night she finally called and left me a VM. I think b/c my Mom finally became involved....
Part of The problem is I've distanted myself from her in some ways. Because I found myself talking about my kids and I felt like I was shoving it in her face and making her feel really uncomfortable & like a bad mom...and up until now I honestly thought maybe she made the right decision, even tho' I didn't understand it. But now that some family member is raising their daughter I'm having a hard time comprehending it.....We've had friends offer to drive her down just for a day visit & she's not interested at all. Part of me wants to tell her to make a decision either be apart of her daughter's life or not at all?
Oh I know I'm rambling...I just feel really conflicted. When she calls me back I want to say the right thing? But I don't know what that is....And the only reason this is really come to light is b/c my Mom was called upon by the ex- to watch their daughter while an 'emergency' came up & he couldn't take her for the week. And the Bro & SIL were out of town for a funeral. And it just so happens that this time at church their was a friend of my sister's there. Her daughter recognized her and ran up to her and said "you are my mommy's friend" "can you take me to see my Mommy". The friend had to explain to her that she couldn't. For the rest of the afternoon this little girl just clinged to her my sister's friend. Wouldn't let her go at all!! She said she wanted her to send her mommy all her hugs & loves....It just broke my mom's heart. It's so apparent that girl needs her Mommy..
Oh my this is so long winded I really don't even know what I'm asking for..In my make believe world I'd have both of them move in with me and be a happy family...I just know that its not that simple...
Suggestions Anyone My heart is aching for this little child....who just wants her mommy :(
While I can understand you wanting to help the little girl, she doesn't know you. She will hopefully know the Uncle and Aunt since she's been with her Dad. I don't really think that there is anything helpful that you can do. If you know the Uncle and Aunt, you could perhaps contact them to see if there is any help that they might need....
M.
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You can not force her to be a mother. At least with the sil and bil maybe this girl will get some stability. I would still be there for your friend, but do not be afraid to mention your kids, or hers. Maybe she needs to hear how much that little girl misses and loves and needs her. Be warned though, she may run and you may lose contact, sometimes it is hard for people to deal with the truth.
If you want to be a good friend, you need to give her some tough love and honesty. She is a grown adult and is quite selfish, frankly. You can't always allow a person's behavior simply because they had a less than desirable upbringing and you don't want to hurt their feelings...
I have known many people who were abused very badly as children and turned out loving parents.
She is tearing her daughter apart, an innocent child, and no one is calling her out on it. It is always the better part to be the advocate for the child. She didn't want to tell you out of embarrassment b/c you make the right choices, she didn't want to tell you because she is ashamed because she knows it's wrong.
But maybe, this woman shouldn't have full custody of this child. She doesn't sound stable enough to provide a safe and loving environment for her.
I would have the talk with her, that she either needs to straighten up and give this child a wonderful childhood that she deserves, or severe her rights and allow the child to be adopted by a loving family.
She may hate you for your honesty, but it will be because she knows its true. You can continue to be supportive and her sister, but her eyes need to be opened. If she abandons your friendship, one day, she will come around when she decides to face reality.
You need to cheer on the little girl. You've seen first hand the problems of non-exsistant parents. At least somebody is stepping up to be there for her. As as the other 2 writers have commented, she's an adult, she's made bad choices and is losing her daughter has not made her stop to re-think her life's path, then nothing will. And you should be honest. If this is breaking your heart, have a conversation with her (preferably in person). But if she keeps flaking out on you and avoiding you (and your loving disappointment) then it may be time to cut ties. At least the little girl is being taken care of for the moment. If you mom has contact with her, then send her little bday/christmas cards so YOU can be another person for her to count on in her chaotic life. What a shame. My heart goes out to you and the little girl. All my best.
What a heartbreaking situation for that poor little girl, and more than likely, for her mommy as well.
Probably the best thing you can do right now is to recognize that other people make decisions that are not our business. If we were in the same circumstances, we might make the same decisions. We do well to stay open and tender to the problems of other people, because it keeps us human and keeps a leash on our judgements. And of course you have your ideas and feelings about what would be best for your friend and her child, and you have every right to them. But they are yours, and not hers.
I think you've teased apart all sorts of valid reasons that your friend is avoiding you, with your opinions playing a significant role. As well as your modeling of a more ideal life, incorporating choices that may simply be impossible for your friend to live up to right now.
I grew up in the talons of an extremely demanding, controlling and overbearing mother. It took me a couple of decades to slowly develop a sense of self-respect, and I made some horrendous mistakes when finally beyond my mother's grip. Until your friend comes to realize she CAN grow past those early, and terribly significant influences, she may be stuck in an irresistible cycle of self-defeating choices that "prove" her mother's assessment of her. And of course, if she suspects you have judgments about her failings, you will, in a sense, represent an extension of her mother's influence.
Since you care so deeply for her and her little girl, I think it would be supportive if you just let her know that you love them both, and that you will be happy for whatever contact she's able to keep. If she does choose to connect with you, you could also reasonably tell her that you simply don't know the right things to say because you don't know what her life has been like, and that you hope she will be patient with you while you learn.
It's a wonderful gift to be a caring friend to someone who's having such a difficult life. It's also hard when the recipient can't receive your gift. But we can't know the future. Keep offering as long as you can. It may make a wonderful difference to your friend or her daughter some day.
I think you are too emotionally invested in this. I don't blame you, but I also don't know what it is you can do.
Worrying about this has you feeling conflicted about your own feelings and the little girl probably does want to see her mommy, but that is not within your control
Your heart breaks and aches and that's understandable, but what can you really, really do?
Take a break from it for a few days or a week or two and get a grip on your own standing.
That's all I know to say.
Best wishes.
My own personal opinion is that this little girl is probably better off without her Mother and Father in her life...she gets attached...forms a bond and they flake out on her No wonder she is having troubles. MY prayer is that the aunt and uncle are a more stable, loving influence and can give this little girl the chance she deserves in life.
I would not waste a lot of energy trying to make your friend see the "error of her ways"....she isn't interested in her little girl, or being a Mom or taking responsibility. I would not encourage her to be involved in her daughters life, I truly think she is not a good influence on her daughter.
You can love her, without loving what she is doing...keep them seperate in your mind...don't apologize for being a good mother and having great kids...that is the way things are supposed to be!! If that makes your friend uncomfortable...so be it.
My gut response it to tell her that she can't run away from responsibilities. Her daughter is her daughter no matter what she ays and does--she was actually offended by her daughter at age 4? Please. I'm sorry, I know she's a "sister" to you but this woman needs a big dose of reality. Maybe you can provide it in a loving way.
You shouldn't feel guilty talking about your life/family/kids just so it doesn't hurt her feelings.
I'm sure, deep down, she knows she screwed up by leaving her kid-that's why she wouldn't discuss it prior to her leaving.
You didn't ask for judgement of her--but as to what you could do--maybe someone needs to give her a reality check. When "might" he girl be able to be in her life? How many more sets of "parents" will she need to have. I'm not surprised this child is struggling with emotional issues of abandonment. Very sad. Good luck dealing with this.
Have you thought about sitting down with her and asking her what she wants? What she really wants if there were no obstacles? That might be a starting point to help her gain some clarity in what sounds like an overwhelming situation with little support or guidance. I suspect she is going to need some intervention in some way to help her get her life turned around. I deeply admire you for your care. You certainly can be there for her to a point, but more than likely you can't change things for her. But maybe you can help her see there are options and point her in the right direction. She's fortunate to have you as her sister. Wish you both the best.
Hi AJ
Your friend is a grown adult and it is not your role to carry her on your shoulders.Female friendship should be an equal relationship.
If you have a true friendship you should be honest with her about your oponions and feelings.You have the right to be your true self in this friendship and be careful not to be giving all your energy away.
If this friendship is strong then it will survive your honesty.
She also has the right to respond honesty to you .
My advise would be talk with her and see where it goes.
Best of luck
What a heartbreaking story! I can just tell you are torn apart by this, and it is so challenging with all the many ways people are hurt and in turn hurting each other in this family. The one thing that is absolutely certain is that your "sister" has a little girl who deserves none of this abandonment, and that she must somehow be protected and given whatever can be given to help her know a stable and loving life. If you have any influence at all with your friend, and if you can find a way to talk to her that doesn't just end up with her blowing your friendship off, you owe it to both her and her little girl to try to communicate what you see and feel about this.
If it were me? I might try to offer first my love for my friend...that we had been through so much--a lifetime--together, and that I understood how much her own parents made her feel like she was on her own sometimes. It might feel like too much to provide everything for her little girl. But she has a daughter, and that little girl needs her. I would offer to help her find a way to give her daughter a stable home--maybe with her aunt and uncle if she can't do it--but with a strong connection to her daughter as well. I would also offer to help her find a family therapist who could help sort out all the details and the conflicts. Always emphasizing how the daughter's well being is connected with her mama's well being, and that the two of them need each other or they would never have been mother and daughter.
I realize this puts you at some risk with your friendship on the line. However, if not you, then who will step in and say these things to her? And if your friendship is true, even if she gets angry--even if she gets very angry--some part of her will know that you speak the truth and speak from a place of love.
Good luck...my prayers are with you.
In short, cut ties with the mom and be there for the little girl. Do what you can for this child if you are able to. You can't save the mom, but there is still hope left for the little girl. The situation stinks, but once the little girl came into the picture, it ceased being about what the mom needs or wants....she is an adult and can fend for herself. I would cut her off completely and see what influence you can be for the daughter while she stays with the aunt and uncle.
The child's best place is with aunt and uncle.
Ideally, the mom (your sister) should have an agreement
with them that she can visit regularly,
maybe even take her for an occasional weekend or special event.
But she shouldn't have custody/responsibility for the child.
The best interests of the child are for regularity, consistency.
It's not likely your sister can provide that.
Sorry.
S.
