Help - California,MO

Hello S.,

I was a Nanny for many years, so I can really understand what you're going through, I come in and Mom leaves, and all the child wants during the day is Mom. You have the additional issue of being with HIS Dad.

First, just be nice, but don't be a doormat. Be firm about respect and communication (for both you & the boy). Try to find a few little things a day to do with him, like read a story or play legos. I also suggest you take him out for a special outting.

Next, talk to him. Be honest, tell him you're sure he'd rather have Mom than you, but you really want to be friends one day, but know it won't be right away.

Bonding with someone else's child is tough, but it can happen. My former charges still call me often and we have a very special relationship. It can happen, just allow nature to take it's course

Good Luck

R. Magby

I have a June 2 1/2 yr old and his dad & I have been married for 15 yrs. But my son wants mommy for everything... daddy just doesn't do, eventhough daddy was the caretaker for a long time when mommy worked & went to school. Now that I am unemployed (the plant I worked at for 12 yrs closed it's door last July - got to love this economy) my son wants nothing to do with anyone but mommy. Which is hard because I'm 5 mo pregnant & he wants me to carry him everywhere. There has been times that he will sit by the front door when I go to the store or go to get my 5 yr old from school & listens for my car to pull up so he can see me again - eventhough I was only gone for 15 min. I think it is more the boys age then him not liking you. Cause I know my son loves his daddy - he will tell daddy "I love you" and run up & give him a hug, but mommy is the one he wants to do everything for him... change him, get his drink, get/open the snack, brush his teeth, rock him, put him to bed, run his bath water, ect. - if mommy doesn't do it he will flip unless he is asked before hand if daddy can help & he say that daddy can help. Guess he sounds a bit spoiled... now that I write about it.

Anyways, ignoring it won't help - ignoring just shows a kid they aren't loved & will make him want his mom more. Try talking to him, letting him know when to expect mommy is a good thing, then ask him if you can help him for now. Sounds kinda stupid, but kids learn every young how to communicate and if he can tell you are upset - it will only make him more upset. Also, try to bond with him... try to find out some of the things he like or likes to do & play with him or do some of those things. Even if that means sitting on the floor playing cars and making funny car noises as you do it or playing with Little People & making noises as they walk around and do stuff. My kids also love having books read to them & have since before they could walk... You can pick up hard paged toddler books at most dollar stores for a buck or two. They are pretty short stories - 5 min maybe, but it's a special 5 min to a little kid. Mine also like to color - although at 2 1/2 it's more scribble, but I do sit down with them and color sometimes. Yes, they color on my page & make my pretty picture all messy... but that is part of the fun for them. Just remember to tell him how petty of a picture it is & that he did such a good job... even if the whole page is a big black scribble. Which btw I have a few of them on my fridge right now - lol.

This little guy is the center of mom's attention when they are both home, in a way he needs to be you and your mans when he is with you guys. In time you will form the bond & he will start asking for mom less, till he doesn't at all. And you never know - he may be asking for you & your man when he is with him mom.

Good luck & congratz on the marrage!

Offer to having him call his mom... have his mom send over pictures of her with him. Joint custody is VERY hard on little kids (this I know from being in the same situation)... so do everything you can to foster his relationship with his mom... DON'T try to distract him... that is not fair to him. Realize he is hurting waaaay more than you will ever know and understand. Be there for him and he will look up to you one day for it.

It looks like you got some great advice. My only sugestion is to try to develop a relationship w/his mother. Ask her about his schedule when he is at home so that you can keep a similar one when he is there with you. Toddlers do not handle ANY change very well......even good changes. Ask about favorite foods, drinks, (including the brands), naptime rituals, etc. Figure out what he is used to. His mother will feel more comfortable knowing you care. Just be sure to say that you are not trying to replace her. She would like to hear that. Also, if he has a 'lovey', see if you can find the exact one to leave at your house in case he forgets his. Let him take both home with him & return with it the next visit so he can 'break it in'. Again, comunicate, comunicate, comunicate. Let the mother know you want to make her baby feel comfortable & ask her to let you know if he comes home & tells her he doesn't like something. At that age, he might not tell you if he doesn't like something or is scared. Oh, also be sure to buy a thermometer & keep childrens Tylenol or Motrin & be sure to call teh Mom if you even suspect thet he is getting sick. She will trust you more if you let her know these things as they are happening as opposed to when you drop him off from a visit.
Congratulations on your wedding!

Congrats on your engagement, and on becoming a step-mom. You're so lucky to enter this little guy's life when he's so young - years of bonding ahead of you. :-) And sounds like he's lucky to have you in his life, too - already attentive to his needs.

The other moms are spot-on - developmentally, he's at a "I want mom" age. He may also be picking up on what's going on around him - wedding plans, maybe changes in visitation or in the prime relationships in his world. You're probably wanting to be the best step-mom you can be, but congrats for approaching that from his point of view, leaving him as the focus. Here are some concrete ideas that may or may not help.

As you've discovered, always helps them to know when they're going to see mom next At that age, not a great sense of how long a day or an hour is.......maybe a calendar (even of an advent-ish sort....remove an object from a shelf ea day, when the last object is gone, it's time to see mom, or something like that?) Or, when he's older, incorporate it into learning to tell time.

Making something together with him for his mom - a picture, a cake, an e-card, etc? So he knows (and she knows) not to feel threatened - that you're not trying to "replace" his mom. Also helps in recognizing positives in your fiance's ex that might, depending on your situation, get buried in animosities.

Is there something "special" that he could keep only at your house? Maybe a certain stuffed animal or blanket that he could hold when he's really missing his mom? Or an activity with you that he looks forward to? A trip to a certain park? Pancakes with sprinkles? (To which, inevitably, he'll reply, "That's not how my mommy makes pancakes." lol.) Shrug.

It will get easier as you all adapt to new routines and arrangements, though with some kids, any age, on an every-other-weekend schedule, you can expect a bit of bumpy "transition time" ea visit. He won't always be so focused on "when do I see mom?"

Enjoy your little guy and your new life together, and welcome to the wild, wacky world of blended families. Sounds like you're off to a great start!

Do not ignore him. His mother probably interacts a lot with him when they are home together. I think if you ask him every time he asks where his mom is, you ask what he wants. You have to take his mothers place. If you just do your thing, and he is wanting something, he feels unwanted and abandoned. Explain things to him as you go. " I am going to do some laundry now, are you going to be ok to watch t.v. without me? I will be back in a little bit, ok?" Once he knows that you really care about him, then there can be more real time for you to be in your own world. I have gone through this with my ( now 4 yr old) grandson. He used to stand and cry at the door for mommy. Now we are best friends. I always tell him where I am, if he ignores me then that is fine too. But in his mind, he knows I am there for him. Hope this helps. You may bribe him with whatever he likes too. Dinasaur books to read to him, and have him look at is a good start.

My daughter was 3.5 when my ex & I separated & he barely takes her, so first I admire that you're providing consistency for your little guy. I agree that something fun to do or have at your place is a great idea. Also that drawing pictures or cards for Mommy is good. It's hard to suggest (not knowing how your relationship with his mother is) but if you can find out some favorites to incorporate at your house so it's not so different than home it may make the transition easier. But be sensitive that she's probably hearing the same thing during her 2 weeks ... I miss Daddy & where's S.? He may be too little yet for phone calls while he's at Mom's, but you could send mail. My daughter LOVES getting mail & it helps her be excited about the next visit.
Good Luck & congrats on the wedding!
L.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but you will never replace your soon-to-be step sons mother and at this age he will continue to ask for his mom. And that's OK. I think your best bet is just to try to be another adult that cares about him, understand that it's OK to miss his mom, and try to find things that you guys can do together.

What about acknowleding when he misses his mom? Even though it seems like knows you and you have been around for most of his life, he's probably just now becoming independent enough to realize/vocalize what he's feeling. You could tell him "I know you miss your mommy. I miss my mommy sometimes. Maybe we could make her a picture together? Or ask him if he wants to call her." I think from the outside looking in, if I were in your situation, it would be hard because I'd want to connect with him without overstepping my boundaries (as you said in another post).

But from a biological mothers perspective, I'd be terrified that my son/daughter were going to love/care for the stepmother more than me. So, although you and her do not get along great, I'd do the best to make both of them feel comfortable with you and ensure you are not trying to replace her (which you've said you aren't doing).

If he wants to call his mother or draw her a picture or something, let him. Maybe he's realizing that you aren't his 'mother' but are his 'mother' and is trying to figure it out. Let him know that you are his friend, and are there for hugs if he wants them.

At 2.5 they are very repetitive so maybe he's just vocalizing what he's feeling. Acknowledge it and see if there is anything you can do about it.

I would try to find something that you can do (consistently) every weekend with him. It should be something he likes so he can look forward to it. Whether it's going to an indoor play area and letting him play or going to the library and letting him pick out a couple of books for the week. If he has something that he thinks he shares with just you and your husband (to be), he'll start to look forward to the time that he shares with you guys and hopefully you can form a bond with him.

You could also tell him one week what you'll do the next time he comes (but you have to make sure it's something you can DEFINITELY do). Little kids remember and if you disappoint him, he'll remember that even more clearly.

Good luck!

When he asks for mom say, she's not here right now is there anything I can help you with, or do you just need a hug? Remember Dad's not always in the house anymore he's just learning to adjust to not having everyone he wants when he want's them, this is a learning phase, he'll get through it. The best thing you can do is to not show that you are frustrated and cuddle with him every chance you get, kids will respond if you show them affection, he's young enough still so you can have a wonderful relationship with him if you show him affection and don't say bad things about his mother, in fact learning to act like your friendly toward her will go a long way to cementing your relationship with your step-son. Good luck.

First of all, know that it's not you. My guess is that he doesn't hate you at all. All you can do is let him know that you understand how he feels, give lots of love and try to always plan fun things to do - playground, picnic, play dates, hike/walk, art projects, making and decorating cookies, etc. You can find lots of ideas on the web. Search 'kid activities' or 'kid crafts'. You might even find a website that will email you a weekly newsletter. Kids are complicated creatures! I wish you the best of luck!