Help - Ladera Ranch, CA

I feel for you. Don't give up. There's always light at the end of the tunnel. I just recently divorced my husband of 12 yrs. I have 2 children. My ex didn't contest anything. But sounds like you have an uphill battle. You need to go to a mediator. They will make suggestions on how the children's time will be split. He will not be able to get every weekend. My ex has every other weekend and every Wednesday and we switch off on holidays. You're going to have a hard time getting an uncontested divorce because he is fighting with you on everything it sounds like. It can only be uncontested if you file for divorce and he doesn't file. My ex did that. So my divorce is uncontested. If you need a shoulder to lean on, I'd be happy to help. My email is ____@____.com luck!

My heart goes out to you and your family. Divorce is hard, and my advice would be WORK IT OUT. You had that love for him and one time, and everyone goes through these hardships, Lord knows I have wanted to divorce my husband too, MANY TIMES, but in the end, he's the one I want to grow old with FOREVER! If you married in the church there were promises that both you and your husband made, for better or for worse. This is the worse that God was talking about. Please try to work it out, this sounds more like a stress situation that is causing this discorse in your life more than anything else. I will pray for you and your family.

I can't stress this enough. Get a good lawyer! (Email me if you want the name and numberof mine)

I was also married for 9 years and we were deeply in debt when I left. My lawyer has been invaluable in taking care of my son and I. I know you want to keep things civil, but that is rarely possible, and only when both parties are completely fair and honest.

He is being ridiculous, and with his history of instability I know the court will give you primary (if not full) custody of the kids. The court can also force him to sell the house.

Just remember that the longer you wait to get a lawyer, the more he can get away with. Especially with someone who is unstable and manipulative, you need someone on your side.

I would also recommend counseling for yourself, and possibly your kids later on. This is never easy, and you will need someone to help guide you through the roller coaster of emotions you will be feeling. (I can also give you the name of my therapist if you would like).

Hang in there.... and don't forget to take care of yourself!

If your husband will not listen to reason, you must get the GOOD lawyer & fight the good fight. What is best for your kids is having stability. I have seen children (as a daycare provider) deal with 50% with Mom & 50% with Dad - putting htings mildly, it doesn't work most of the time. It takes the parents being on the same page - and being able to be friends. Otherwise, the kids don't sleep enough, they don't dress, eat, behave the same from week to week. Something gives - and it is usually behaviorally at school. It is aeful to watch so I know as a parent, it would be heartbreaking to watch in my own children. A traditional custody schedule would be the best scenario for your kids - & since he is so volatile, the court could choose for him to seek counseling for himself -which could help in the long run for your kids safety & well-being. I know it isn't an easy decision, especially because he wants to be a good dad. Sometimes being a good parent means that you allow teh better parent to have them the bulk of the time, and you cherish the time you do get with them. Good luck & God Bless You!!!

You are dealing with a lot of issues. I applaud what you have done over the past nine years, including working during such a difficult time. Remember that you're getting a divorce becuase you cannot get along. I assume you have an attorney, since you have filed for divorce. Separate all your assets immediately. Get a little black & white notebook and write down everything with time, date and who you spoke with and what you spoke about. You have to have facts. The courts don't listen to impassioned pleas or anger. Have you tried mediation? I can suggest some good mediators, if you have not. Life is not fair sometimes and it seems like this may be one of those times. The house is probably your biggest asset. As you know the market is going down so time is not on your side here. Do you know what the home is worth and whether there are liens against it? Depending on when you bought it and if the parents have placed a lien against the home for the $100,000 debt, you may not have much equity left in the home. That's important information to know. Also it's important to look at the terms of the loan. Can you afford the payments, is the loan adjustable? If you have little or no equity, and you pay a lot of money to attorneys to fight about the home, what will the outcome be? If he is still out of work, can he afford to make the payments? Can you? The court can order the home to be listed. If you have an attorney, you can ask him/her to start that process. You'll need to get your husband to sign the listing agreement but an agent experienced in these issues should be able to find out his perspective on things. I'm divorced, have two grown sons, who I put thru college, and had a brother who was bipolar.

1. Get a GREAT Lawyer!

2. Make sure he lists everything and what was the $100,000 for? Did it go to pay mostly for his stuff or mutual bills.

3. I believe in California it is 50/50 custody no matter when he wants them. He can't have them every weekend and I would definetly bring up the depression, bi polar business with an attorney. If he is manipulative he will not be a nice guy through this. You need to protect yourself now and your children.

4. Get your name off of all the joint credit cards to protect your credit! Apply for some in your name only! If he has his own apartment switch your utilites to your name. So that he can't mess with them. If he stops paying his bills and his name is still on your house utilities that could cause you some real problems. They will probably hold you liable.

Well the good news, Nurses are in high demand right now so you will always be guaranteed a good job! Bad news is this is going to get much worse before it gets better. Unfortunately, you will have to deal with alot of this the rest of your kids lives.

Good news is there is someone very special out there for you who will truly appreciate your kindness, hard work and dedication. He will be supportive and very impressed that you had the courage to do what your doing now! Good Luck Honey and I will keep you in my prayers!

S.

You absolutely need a good lawyer to protect you and champion your cause. Your husband can't suggest things that go against your right as a parent. A Family Law attorney can help you navigate the system to your benefit. Your husband can share custody 50/50 but cannot take your children every weekend unless you agree to it. Proctect yourself and your children by getting legal help asap.

D.
there are times you have to realize you've done all you can do.
so perhaps the divorce is your answer, however, you do need an attorney for yours since he is being unreasonable. The judge will make the orders, probably for every other week end. He
needs council if he will go for it.
Hang in there and pray a lot. Your girls need you,
If he's not on medication he needs to be to control the bi-polar
actions. There are books on it and it would do you good to read one and realize his actions are normal for this--and hard to live with.

Sorry to hear about your situation, however I fully understand. I also was in your situation with a bipolar husband (never up to now has acknowledged -so not on meds)not a strong provider therefore I also juggled and worked part time jobs. You are not alone. You do what you need to do to get through but then you go with your gut feeling and DO NOT look back. Your children need you because you are all they have as far as protection. YOU become mother bear. I suggest you consult with a lawyer ASAP because things do not get done in a civil manner. I have waited a LONG time (children are 8, 10 now).

Get an excellent attorney. You are dealing with an irratinal, unstable person, and who knows where this will end up. I'm sure there must be help out there for those without mega bucks, but there must be something. Good luck!

WOW, I am so sorry you are going through this. Just be prepared for it to get even uglier. And get a lawyer, if you cannot not reason with the man, a lawyer can do that for you. You are dealing with mental issues here, do yourself a favor and get that lawyer. It will probably get much harder as you get further into it. And have a great support group, via friends, family, professional. And make sure that none of the negativity surrounds your children. They are very perseptive and they feel all the stress and emotion, but do your best to keep everything in a positive light. He needs to do the same if he is capable. Just don't vent to them in anyway. There are no easy answers and stay strong you have a long ride ahead of you....
C.

Dear D.,
It sounds as if you need to talk to your in-laws who are financing your husband's irresonsibility. How do they feel about YOU? Not listing a house is a type of punishable fraud unless it actually belongs to his parents. It might be helpful to write down as many concrete details as possible about this situation and contact a paralegal person (at first) for some advice. However, If the "mania, depression and internet addiction" you "battled" were YOURS instead of his, it could be more difficult to put up a fight against your INVOLVED husband and his INVOLVED parents. good luck...dont loose heart!!

Get a lawyer!!
get a notebook and document everything that happens between your husband you and your children, sign and date every entry.
Write down the cusody agreement that you would like.
Take this to your lawyer and and go from there.
my prayers are with you. I went throught the same thing. My ex can be a real jerk sometimes. It will get better. It takes awhile, but it gets easier.
Take care D.

Susan C's advice was good. Do make sure you are leagally seperated. At least from that point forward he can't mess with you finacially. I am sorry to say, you will have to protect yourself and your kids all the way through this. And what he wants isn't too much of a concern here. A good Lawer is worth everything. My heart goes out to you. Hang on dear, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

good luck with everything. be the bigger person dont let your girls be hurt with all the fighting, be civil when the girls are around, but dont let him push you around hold your ground and be strong.

My heart goes out to you--I am currently going through a not as "ugly" divorce, but one with my husband having some manipulation and awkward schedule.
Can you talk to your therapist and have the therapist hold a solo session w/ your husband to talk to him about reasonable behavior? Can his parents talk to him in terms of listing the house (or losing it to foreclosure)? If it is someone OTHER than you telling your husband the facts, does it help him absorb and accept it any better? Sometimes getting a lawyer and having him/her present the facts to your husband will help with acceptance of the situation. Good Luck!

you were a good person to try and do things the way you have. sounds like you think things through and are a great mom to your kids and have tried to be fair to your husband. you now need to get a lawyer. in court your husband wouldn't get those things that seem unfair to you. my brother battles the same illness and i always look at my sis in law and feel bad for her because they deal with the same issues- debt, him holding a job, etc. and to be honest if they were to divorce i would worry about my brother having the kids too often. he's a good dad but his disorder worries me. so i know in a court room they would feel the same.
from what you say you obviously care a great deal for him and have gone through alot with him. you have been very unselfish and it must be hard to see him trying to fight you on so much. good luck!

As far as the debt goes, you can file for bankruptcy protection to cancel your part if you need to. Your inlaws probably won't appreciate it, but it sounds like their son is responsible for most of the debt anyway.

You've gotten a lot of great advice that I would definitely follow. My only advice over and above everything else is to protect yourself (which also means protecting your kids). If you think that you can work it out with your soon to be ex, you're mistaken. I've seen it time and again when a person tries to work things out themselves and doesn't get a good attorney involved and ends up losing almost everything. Be proactive, take the upper hand, and protect yourself before it's too late!!!

hi Andrea , I am sorry to hear about what you are going through, Divorce is one of the most selfish things parents can do to their kids, and now they are going to have to go back and forth between households, that's not an ideal child hood. As A daycare provider i see what divorce does to kids, all marriags go through the rough times, I know mine did, at our 13th year after my husband retired from the Navy things went down hill, and we were both ready to walk, but we had 3 kids too two sons and a daughter, they were more important to us than the problems we were having, so we got envolved with a church got help with our marriage, and next month we will celebrate our 27th annivarsarry, with our kids fmilly still in tack. Your's and your's husband love for your girls has to be stronger, than your anger, and maybe hatred for one another, if love out wys the rest it can work, but you will need help, I am so greatful today that we got help and didn't give up, cause we would never have what we have now. Passing the girls back and forth like a volley ball is wrong, and like you said it is not fair, and it's not. If you would like to talk furture e-mail me personally at ____@____.com, ive been where you are at, and survived it and so can you. J.

GET A GOOD LAWYER! Your job is to continue being a great mom- loving and protecting your girls! The lawyer can do the dirty work of finances and helping the court determine the safest and most nurturing enviroment for the kids. As your oldest is approaching school age, you may think about what is least disruptive for her. Being shuffled 50-50 may be too much for all of you. My first husband was bi-polar also. As you know, bi-polars can function at times and then (with little warning) take a downward dive. Stress can induce this too. I am concerned about his ability to meet the needs of your daughters on his own (chronic depression is a disease).

You can be civil, but there's no guarantee that he will also behave that way. Muster up your support system and surround yourself and your children.

I will keep you in my good thoughts!

I have no idea about the legal aspects of all these things....BUT, since your Hubby has a diagnosed bi-polar disorder AND is medicated, AND has battled mania AND depression AND a Porn Addiction.....Can't these existing legitimate psychological problems be used to show that he is not a "good" Parent and should not be "controlling" the custody of your children??? He is NOT mentally fit. Or at least to show that there is incompetence and a lack of judgment on his part....also he is behaving erratically and cannot hold a job, much less is irresponsible with money? This WILL all affect your children...

To me, THIS should be your primary concern....and the primary justification and legal "defense" on your part. Talk about it with your attorney...

Your Ex does not seem like a well-balanced competent Parent. Being an "involved" parent is NOT the same as being a "good" or responsible Parent. He seems to lack good judgment and a sense of priorities. He does not seem stable, nor of sound mind.

I would be VERY hesitant to leave the majority of the custody to him. I would be nervous having my kids around him, if that were me. It seems like a dangerous situation. Why take a chance with your kids...when his sicknesses can forever impact them in negative ways. They are just children. They should not have to suffer for his manipulations and poor judgments.

His Porn addiction... that is something that CAN happen again. And, do you really know "for sure" that he is no longer doing that? With you getting divorced... he can very well do Porn again, since you are not in the house monitoring his every move. People like this are good at hiding it. And you have 3 girls? Yikes... not to be overly-cautious, but I would NOT want to have any child around that kind of mentality. And plus, his other psychological issues...
He is Dangerous for kids to be around perhaps? Can this be used as an "argument" and just cause for you having primary custody? Or perhaps, he can have custody WITH court appointed supervision....not supervision via "his" "involved" Parents. They will only protect him.... not your children or you.

He is a master manipulator...and can probably Bull_ _ _ _ his way through anything. YOU need to FIGHT against this, for the safety of your children. Sure, you want an uncontested divorce, but it is not going to be. You have to be even stronger and get a good defense against him... protect yourself and your children. Fight for them.

Document everything and anything... to build up your case.

Just some ideas. I really feel for you... pray, stay strong, and think of what is best for your children.... I know he is their father...but he does not seem very caring or stable. His behavioral problems will not doubt have an impact on your children and cause harm & damage them. They are too young to know any better.

Your Ex-husband is sick, and has ongoing mental problems. He can't even take care of himself and his family...how is he going to TRULY take care of children? You had YEARS of therapy with him...it has NOT changed anything. That is proof.

I hope you have a good Attorney who will fight tooth and nail for the safety of your children... and yourself. If it were me, I would not want my kids to be around him, or without COURT APPOINTED Supervision. But that is just me.

All the best,
~Susan

Get a lawyer, you are going to need one. How can you feel safe when he has these mental problems and the kids are there?
Don't try to be nice, I tried that and he got everything. But don't tell your children bad things. I told mine that their dad was sick and we couldn't see him for a while. If you don't have legal documentation regarding the money from the in laws let him deal with it. GET A LAWYER NOW!! Your children are the most important and with in laws with money and a nutso father know I will be praying for you.

You need a good lawyer who can help you with the child custody issues. Just my opinion and experience from working with Bipolar Disorder, sometimes things will seem fine and then they are unstable, so you never know from one day to the next how it is. Even with an amicable divorce, things are difficult, much less when the person has a mental illness. Good luck to you in your situation

It sounds like you were living with a very immature husband whose parents have been enabling him to be one...All divorces eventually get very messy....You are not unique.....

Children need a homebase in their lives....They can't be shuttled back and forth so much....They need stability.....I have seen the exhaustion in many children of being shuffled back and forth...it is not fair to the child....Having a good relationship with their father is awesome....I feel every other weekend and Wednesday after school is accepatable....This is what the court usually orders....I really don't like the Wednesday's away from their regular routine......but like you said he is an involved father and I think he would keep that routine going....

Divorce is always hard on the children...You may find they are acting out...crying more...isolating...or starting to wet the bed....This is normal....but they will need therapy to cope....They need that special person they can talk to.....

It is interesting to me that they have already labeled your baby with bipolar at such a young age.....I have found that usually it is an allery to something they are eating.....My step son was diagnosed with ADHD and was on medication....I had him during the summers....I did not give him any medication but changed his diet....Amazingly enough he calmed right down on his own....As parents we need to get in contact with our own children....Doctor's are too quick to label our children and put them on medication.....There are some good books out there....Start reading and experimenting....A lot of kids are allergic to perservatives and the dyes they put in foods....You may need to go back to the basics when cooking for your family.....

I hope this helps....

I am so sorry for you heartache. Wow you just described my huband, and the experiance my brother went through. There is nothing you can do to stop him from getting ugly, the most important thing and I cannot stress this enough, Don't get ugly back. Don't bad mouth him around the kids. Keep doing what you are supposed to be doing, work try to pay your bills, don't worry about what you owe. It will go through the court and a judge is going to look at everything and as long as you are on you best behavior on paper and infront of the judge, you come out smelling like roses and he comes out kicking and screaming.

Hi D.,

As much as possible, keep the fighting with your ex out of the lives of your children. Children from divorce fare much better when their parents are civil.

Get an attorney! You should not have to fight this battle alone, the attorney is there to do it for you.

V.

Hi D.,
My advise is different from a lot of it that you are getting. I know a lot about bipolar and about divorce. I know that bipolar can be very difficult to deal with. I also know that divorce is very very difficult for families to go through. I really recommend a separation rather than a divorce. Do a legal separation if you need to protect yourself financially. There is always hope for even people who have been diagnosed with bipolar..sometimes it comes on from stress and it could get stabilized with a good doctor, etc. Perhaps he will make big changes in his life if he sees that you are serious about your marriage. Then there is always the hope and prayer that your family can be restored. I am also coming from the perspective of a Biblical view of marriage and how God intended it to be. It is very sacred and God has the power to make it work out. If you don't have this view, it will be easier for you to want a divorce from him. Best wishes to you as I know this is very tough.

Get a good lawyer and get your kids into a NAMI or a support group for childrn so they can understand daddys illness.

http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?Section=Family-to-Family...
Please do not stigmatize your ex for the children. I don't read that from your email but some of the advice is a little frightening for me (I am sure I will get flames for that comment) But...if the court won't take your childern because you ar homeless....I have rarely seen them taken because of mental illness. One time a mother had her's taken because of failure to take medication, but she NEVER lost custody. I know, I tried to adopt the kid.
Keesal, Young & Logan
PO Box 1730
Long Beach, CA 90801
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They specialize in family law and will represent you if needed. The money is another issue, a sum you borrowed before the split. The visitation and other things are unfortunatley the stuff most people get mad about during a divorce, he is hurt.

You want it to be civil as long as you get everything your way. Stop it. Just stop. Your kids come first, WAY before what you feel you deserve. The kids deserve a mom and dad who love each other. Your ex deserves to be a full time father. You deserve to be a full time mom. Oh well! This is real life. Life isn't fair. But it is your job to make it as fair as possible for your kids, and that means stop fighting. It takes two to make a divorce ugly. I know that for a fact. My ex did his best to make our divorce ugly but for the sake of my kids, I refused to allow that. I was gracious and understanding and I gave my ex what he asked for. Was it easy? Not by a long shot. Was it difficult? More than words can say. Was it the right thing to do? You bet it was. My kids are now 23 and 21, and they were the ones to benefit from my refusing to make the divorce ugly. If it gets ugly, you have only yourself to blame. It is just a fact. If you cannot understand that or do not believe it, your children have a mother who is incapable of truly putting them first. I hope that is not the case.