Help - Sacramento,CA

I had a very similar situation on my hands. My mom took care of my 2 year old for a month while he was in between daycares - he watched tv all day and wasn't stimulated mentally in the ways I would prefer. In order to "deprogram" him I got him back into reading. I also grabbed some washable markers and a floor pad (BIG paper by crayola - you can get them at Michaels) and we would draw - work on shapes, letters, colors etc. My son is a little smarty pants too so I want to keep him stimulated so he doesn't get bored. We read so many books everyday (i work full time but when I'm home we're always "learning" through play) there is also a great program called Zoophonics. THere is a toddler program. You can go to their website and download some samples - i showed my son and he LOVED it so I ordered it last weekend. I think that would be a good idea for your son too. Just to get out of your moms house too - you could go for walks and talk about what you see - how many cars, what color is that house, do you see a dog.....just to keep him stimulated. It's hard - my mom acted like a victim too when I confronted her. They just don't get it sometimes! There is no doubt that you love your son - grandmas can get a little strange at times - we went through the same thing where she basically told me she loves him more and when i would discipline him she would comfort him. It was a huge battle - but I couldn't kick her out.I feel for ya! What part of Sac are you in?

Hello G.,

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Ok - now on to you and your situation.

First and foremost YOU Are the Momma! As much as your mother wants to give him love you are still the boss and what you say goes with your child even if you are in her house. You tried talking to your mom - try again. Tell her that yes, she is grandma - BUT he is YOUR son and YOU need him to mind YOU at all times. It is not OK for her to contradict your discipline EVER. Gently remind her what is it like to be a new mom - did she have any issues like this when your were little? Did anyone ever contradict her with her parenting? It really sucks to have that happen. Let her know you need her support and that your son needs her to back you up so that he continues to be a well behaved little boy who respects his parents and others. Spoiling him with lots of love is great - but that comes in the form of hugs and kisses and special one on one time - not by excessive TV watching, junk food and extra toys. You know that too much TV is not a good thing! So, tell your mom that your rules for your son are that he only has X amount of tv time. And don't be afraid to take a stand. It is HARD! I've been in your shoes...grandparents have to remember that they need to support and back up their children for the sake of their grandchildren.

Re: What to do with your boy. another toughie when you've been out of practice. Give yourself time to fall back into the swing of things. You know what you want to do - so do it! If you each through play you won't need to make him learn - he will learn on his own. Go to the local education store (The Report Card, etc.) and pick up a few neat and fun activities that are also educational and fun. Look again for the moms groups - they are out there! Check out the local homeschooling groups and see when they meet and who is hooking up with younger kids.

I will tell you that I want you to cut yourself some slack here! you are NOT a failure! You simply need a bit of time to remember what it is to be a full-time mommy. Also, your hubby needs to back you up with your mom - the three of you should sit down and have that talk. If mom wants to play the victim, let her - but continue to gently, but firmly stand up for your role as the Parents and the ones who are in charge of raising your child.

I wish you luck. I may make it sound easy, but I know it isn't always. I have been in your shoes and it is difficult. I wish you luck getting into your place quickly...

Hope this helps!

Warmly,

J.

First and foremost.. find a way to get out of that house and into one of your own. I understand about challenging credit as my hubby and I are trying to rebuild. For now, find a place to rent that you can afford. In my opinion, while your mom is helping you out by you guys staying there, she is doing a HUGE dis-service to you and your child. I understand that its a grandparents job to 'spoil their grandchild' but it is also a grandparents job to respect the parents wishes especially when it comes to teaching them manners.
You did't say how long it will be until you can move into your house. We use to live with my husbands uncle. He use to degrade me cause I would allow my older kids chips, ice cream and treats and that I didn't MAKE them eat veggies. I told him that I will not force my kids to eat veggies. I was forced and now I don't like ALMOST any veggies. So I will offer it to them and tell them they are good for you and I may sometimes try them again... it is their decision. They are pretty good about fruits, salad, and some veggies.

I just got on mamasource, so I don't know if this is normal to respond to a Q from 5 months ago. Anyway- we ended up living with my in-laws for about a year (when we first moved in we had a goal to move ASAP and ASAP ended up being longer than expected). I faced the same issues- too much tv, treats for EVERYTHING (if she fell down grandma would pick her up and give her a treat to make it better, etc...). I started to give in a bit and in response to that I was not feeling fulfilled as a mother. I went on a trip with just my daughter and I and it was great to remember what I wanted for my daughter. When I came home I announced to everyone in the house that I had a wonderful time and that there were going to be some new house rules for my daughter and that I expected everyone to follow them. I made the rules simple to understand and I posted them around the house (such as on the refrigerator) to remind myself and others. It worked well. Stand your ground. I have found that a lot of times grandparents want to be helpful, but they tend to forget that spoiling is not such a good thing, especially when living in the same house. Even though we have been moved out and living in a diferent state for 2 1/2 years now I still have to remind my mother-in-law not to spoil the kids.