I was never a helicopter parent. Our daughter knew I was not going to dash up tp school with pjofects forgotten, homework completed but left or dashing up a lunch.. I just made sure she had money on her lunch card for just in case.
This worked greatr. SShe was really good about getting her stuff together or taking reponsibility when she forgot.
Mu husband on the other hand. is a 50 year old man, we have been married 30 years and I am amazed he makes it to work dressed.
He once again called me and told me he forgot his wallet. His Wallet! When I found it he had also forgotten his paiger too,
He is ADHD and has always had trouble with this sort of thing, but I am noticing it beginning to heppen more often.
We have tired notes, and lists. We have a single place where he is supposed to keep his "get out of the door stuff".
But if any part of the schedle changes he forgets again. Last night we went out to dinner last minute. He dressed up and so he just took off his clothes when we got home and he wears "work clothes today".. so his wallet was not handled the same way!!!!
I know he is tired. I know he does not do well if rushed.. But I need to figure out a way to help him remember and keep up with this stuff.
Do any of you have any suggestions?
Are you having to help your spouse more than your children? I guess I am just venting.
Yes, I took his wallet and paiger to him at work. He works for the Police Dept and he HAS to have these items at all times. The paiger is his direct line in case of the really big alerts.
People with ADHD do not get better and cannot learn to remember.. That is the whole problem.. Their brains are not wired that way and never will be. As they get older it usually gets worse.
We do the list, but he can still get distracted from the moment he looks at the note and on his way to placing the items in his pockets etc..
I am thinking I may add a note to his transportation so that the last moment as he is starting his ride, he will once again check for his most important items. Or I may need to have him add an alarm to his cell phone that sends him the list of items at the time he is supposed to leave the house?
We laughed tonight about it. He felt so bad that I had to stop everything and dash over, but I told him it was nice to get to see him during the day after such a busy weekend.
Thank you for your suggestions and keep them coming.
Perhaps stop mothering him?
Let him forget and suffer the consequences. He'll grow up when you stop being the grown up FOR him.
Same thing day after day after day..... Create a morning and stick with it. If that means putting stuff in the car for later because of a schedule change so be it.
I guess I am saying it can't be dependent on the schedule but the act. You get up, brush your teeth, shower, dressed, wallet in pocket, phone in clip...You get home, change clothes, wallet is transferred or goes to a specific spot. What ever the act is it must always be the same that way regardless of the schedule he will always remember.
Clear as mud?
I am like your husband, in fact the only reason for us to have a home phone is because I either forget to plug my cell phone or forget to take it out of the car, and I have left it on stores too.
Just this Sunday, my husband gave me cash to pay for some stuff before I bring him to the airport, he told me to please be careful, so I was being fun and I put it on my bra and say: "it should be safe in there".
What you know, last night (about 10 hours after I left him) when I was about to take a shower I have bunch of 20s falling all over, how I went all over town with more then $700 on my bra without even noticed?!
What I would do to help your husband would be put a sign on the door:
"Do you have your x,z,y,?"
L., all I can say is that you are a saint for the way you have helped your husband manage his forgetfulness and distractedness.
And like I've told you before, I am the female version of your husband. Any little distraction on the way out the door, or my sleep is disrupted too many nights in a row, and I don't function well at all. I would walk out the door absentmindedly knowing I needed to get somewhere but without all the necessary items.
My best tip over the years, is that I do now stop at the door before leaving, and I stop at public places before departure and I mentally check to see if I have everything.....purse with cell phone and wallet, keys, kids, bags, etc.
I keep a very spartan purse so I can see things quickly because I can't remember if I replaced my cell phone or wallet, I have to check.
You know your husband best. If I put up a big list at the back door, it probably would not help me....but I do have a big STOP and Lock Doors post-it, which then reminds me to check the rest of me. And the STOP and LOCK DOORS was my husbands idea as I forget that too - all the time according to him.
Good vent L.....just curious...are you taking the wallet to him?
I am the female version of your husband...
My husband will say no...unless the kids are involved. i.e. last week I forgot the pictures for our Girl Scout troop...he brought them to me. But if it's just for me...I'm out of luck. So I have had to learn to look/make my own checklist. Ultimately, I am the responsible one...if I forget my phone, purse, then it's my responsibility to figure out what to do.
ETA: I have no bi-polar, no depression...I think I have ADD but not sure. Other than that it's just pure stress, and forgetfulness.
Yes there are times where he does say yes...and that is few and far between and I have to have a pretty darn good reason for needing him to do it.
L., I am so sorry you go through this! Bless your heart. Thankfully that isn't my life, but I think that if it were me, I'd be acting like "mom" every night and demand that all his stuff be out and ready to go for the next day. Even in the car, if you all have a garage! At least that way he couldn't forget his wallet and pager.
I did that when my kids were little about everything that pertained to getting out in the morning. And I have always kept the family schedule, so I'm used to that.
Smiles to you!
Dawn
I hate to suggest this, but ask him to get a physical checkup. It couldn't hurt. Is your husband concerned about this, too? If he isn't, he might get angry if you insinuate that he might have any (gasp!) brain problems, but he really isn't too young for it. If he saw the doctor and the doctor said he was fine, that would be something to cross off the list of possibles.
I don't have that problem with my husband most of the time. (It helps that he works close enough to home to swing by if he's forgotten anything.) But if I did, I'd try to laugh about it. If I had to take wallets and pagers to him, I'd probably declare myself a taxi service and send him a bill for the gasoline involved! That would stop the whole thing!
Keep a morning checklist on the bathroom mirror
I don't have any solutions, just saying you aren't alone. My ex was like this and it drove me crazy! He would leave home with the thing he needed most (music when he was going to choir practice, dance shoes when he was going to dance, work stuff when going to work...). Then he would call and expect me to chase after him with the needed items! He lost his keys and wallet and phone SO many times. He has left things on the top of his car and driven off - last time it was his iPAD!!
My ex suffered from chronic depression, now diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder II.
My DH has ADD and I know how you feel! A lot of times I just help him because he will let a minor problem sit until it turns into a major one, and I got tired of putting out fires long ago! If the situation is not going to turn into a disaster then I let him figure out what he is going to do about it. He is a grown man after all.
If your husband routinely forgets his wallet he should have a plan in place for what to do when that happens, preferably one that will not impact you.
My husband was ADHD as a child. I don't think it 100% goes away as an adult, although now he's more AD without the HD - so he tends to forget things - especially when rushed or interrupted. I'm a creature of habit. I put my keys/stuff in the same places so I know where to find them. I rarely forget things. He has been known to put the orange juice on top of the fridge when looking for something else and leaving it there - dozens of times over the years. He forgets his cell phone at home at least a few times a month. He forgets his wallet at home about once every other month or so. He forgets to take his lunch with him regularly. He misplaces his keys/papers/stuff somewhat routinely.
I used to get upset and helicopter over him a lot. I found that the more I "helped" him organize things, make lists, find things - the worse it got. I gradually stopped reminding him/leaving notes/finding things/rescuing him and I have to say that he's getting a little better since I've stopped helping. If he asks where his "x" is and I don't know, I simply say - gee, honey, I have no idea. Where did you use it last? and then I move on. In his case, I think the more I help, the more he relies on me to help him remember stuff.
He has learned to live with the consequences or forgetting his stuff. He may need to borrow a few bucks from someone at work to buy lunch when he forgets his wallet - so what? He pays them back the next day. I do suggest that he give himself the once over before he leaves the house (pat pockets for cell/wallet, do I have my lunch?) Other than that, it's not my job to rescue him.
I had a friend growing up who was always late and disorganized. Her mother regularly ran down the block after her when she forgot something for school. Guess what? That same friend is still a little disorganized and forgets things all the time. I don't think her mother rescuing her helped much.
You already know what to do - exactly what you do with your daughter. If he forgets his wallet and pager, he need to come home and get them - and suffer the consequences of lost work, etc. I suspect that people with ADHD might need the consequences even more than the rest of us. He learns nothing if you always bail him out and, no matter how appreciative, starts to rely on it. I feel for you, though - very frustrating for everybody.
Because of his age, I'm thinking this:
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/news/20110119/adhd-now-deme...
I've also been very interested in nutrition since having numerous problems that have improved with nutrition. I suggest the following websites:
http://www.amenclinics.com/ - Sign up for the email newsletter
http://thepaleodiet.com/about http://paleodietlifestyle.com/
http://www.paleoplan.com/tag/paleo-diet/
- This is a start. It's not my best advice, but it's better than what your husband is probably doing right now. My best advice is more diferent than current traditions, so it would be harder to accept.
Does your husband crave foods, perhaps bread or milk? If he craves something and gets upset if he can't have it, he is probably allergic to it. He's probably addicted to it. I've noticed this in children I know that have ADHD. There is something that they get very upset about if they can't have and they consume it daily. See: http://www.drrapp.com/ A relative was taken to see Dr. Rapp. He was tested and was shown to be allergic to everything she tested him for. He has ADHD.
I try to get many unnatural things out of my house. For instance, I use glass containers for food instead of plastic. I clean using vinegar and baking soda, and a few "natural" cleaners. I plant a garden in the spring to get fresher, pesticide-free vegetables in the summer. The world is full of toxins and other unnatural things that overwhelm our immune systems. Disease is an immune system that is overwhelmed by toxins and lack of nutrition to keep it healthy.
Good luck!
Just do what you have been doing and stop worrying about it.
Is he a wonderful provider? Is he good to you and your daughter? If you answer yes to both of these, than let the rest go. Don't sweat the small stuff. Help him when you can, keeping a smile on your face, knowing that his forgetfulness is probably because he is doing so much to be the great provider that he is. Enjoy the fact that you get to go out to dinner last minute with a man who loves you. Every time you are tempted to get frustrated, just replace it with a positive thought about the situation.
