I know they must be plenty of moms that are going through this...But my heart breaks, my little girl is going to start to spend nights at her dads. I have had her for all her 4 years! Her father left when she was only a few months old without saying a word. He has never had overnights, I'm so concerned. And just like I'm sure many have felt - I never imagined that I would finally have a most beautifully, precious daughter and not get to be with her everyday!!!!!!!! Tears
O., I don't have any good advise for you but I do feel for you. All I can say is that dads are very important in a little girl's life. The type of dad she has will influence the type of boyfriends and husband she seeks out later on. If she has a close, loving relationship with her dad, hopefully she will seek out men who treat her like a princess and will cut loose the ones who don't.
Hang tough. You are doing the right thing.
O.,
I am so sorry you are going through this! I haven't been through this- so my only suggestion would be to have a favorite doll or lovie that your daughter can sleep with when she goes to her dad's. Have her start out for a few hours then increase it to staying for dinner, then overnight. I wouldn't spring this on her all at once. Hopefully her dad will understand your uncertainty and help you out with this. Good luck.
Molly
O., After reading all the previous responses, I can only say that there is a lot of wisdom in these moms and letting go and knowing that your daughter needs to have a dad is the high road and the one that will ultimately be emotionally healthier for both of you. You are not losing her, she will always know that you are her primary caretaker and time away does not break that bond, I promise. My 3 boys were 2, 6 and 9 when we separated and I've had to accept that even though there was domestic violence and a horrible cusody battle (just to get back at me for leaving), the kids need to have a solid relationship with their father. I missed them when they were gone (there were tears), but learned to take care of myself a little better. Now they are 13, 18 and 21. The two older ones stay with me almost every night and the little one still goes with the custody schedule. Although the ex tried to get them to hate me when they were little, my kids and I are as close as if there were no nights away.
My daughter has been spending alternating weekends with her Dad for the past 11 years. Although I still do miss her when she's not with me, it does get easier. And now that she's a teenager with a cell phone, I can text her whenever I want just to see how she's doing and tell her I love her.
As long as he's a good man and a loving Dad, you shouldn't worry about her. Just don't let her see you upset, because that will be scary and make it hard for her to separate from you and form a bond with her father. Try to act cheerful and positive for her sake.
And take advantage of your free time to catch up with friends, do some shopping, read a book (without interruptions!) and soak in a nice bubble bath.
My heart goes out to you O.. I'm very sorry to hear this. You and your little girl are in my prayers of love, protection and peace.
I am a single parent with a challenging ex but I have not had the experience you are describing. I do know that a couple of places to look for support though, including Rachel Sarah's blog "Single Mom Seeking." The Oakland Single Parents' Network also is a good place to connect with other single parents, www.oaklandsingleparents.com. I know several single parents from this group who are going through what you are describing.
All the best!
Kadie Kelly
I know it's scary for you to let her go, but it's the right thing. Daughters need a dad to idolize and brag about. Even though he doesnt live in your home her relationship with him is so, so important. You are lucky that he does want to be a part of her life now, a lot of children don't get that option!
Please don't burden her with your fears. It will mess her up emotionally and she won't be able to gleen the good stuff from hangin out with Dad. She will be with someone that loves her as much as you do, so try to relax and go do things that you normally can't do when she's home. You will have to reinvent yourself a little bit with this change. Just keep it as a positive and not a negative. Don't be jealous of her Dad time, be thankful that she is getting to experience it. You will be okay. Now go get a pedicure, buy a good book, curl up on the couch and enjoy the peace and quiet!
O., I completely understand how you feel. It's hard when the other parent doesn't want time and then all of a sudden changes his mind. It seems so unfair and confusing for the child. Though I was very open to my child having a relationship and plenty of time with his dad, he wanted limited time until I got court involved to get intervention with his temper. Then he decided he needed all this extra time (which he never wanted in the first place). Though I do believe fathers are important in any child's life, I have learned it really depends on the man. It ws very traumatizing to our child at first and heartbreaking for me to see. However, I kept my focus on our child in front of him and processed my pain and confusion in a seperate theraputic setting. It helped tremendously. Even though our situations are different, I felt so much pain during the first few overnights. Though I still do miss my son when he's away, I definitely enjoy my me time and take advantage of every moment. It's actually making me a better mom. If I get most of my work done and have some grown up time when he's away, I'm a more focused, better mother to my son. Good luck on your journey with your daughter. I wish you two the very best.
MY sons father asked us to leave when he was seven weeks old and now he is 7.5 moths. When he gets his parenting time, thought its not overnight yet I take it as me time, to get stuff done for my self and things i cant do with him, dr apt ect. My friend had the same issues that he finally got their daughter over night, She was so upset at first but then she relized how much she was missing out on with just the simple girls nights and going out, and trying to move on and find another mate who your not ready to bring around the child, but you got to think about your daughter, do you really want her to grow up without a strong male figure, its very important, and if she doesnt get it she with try to get the father attention in other ways. When My sons father and i went to court to get everything settled i wanted him to take as much parenting time as he could, but he only chose one day for 6 hours, so take it as him being a father and wanting to be there for your daughter and you getting you time, vs you daughter not being soley with you.
O.,
You created a child with this man and he turned out to be a bad husband and absent father for most of her life, so far. If he has grown up and does not put his daughter in harms way and wants to become a part of her life, that could be a good thing. Every child deserves a two loving parents. You may not love each other anymore, but you must put your daughter's well being first.
Blessings....
O., Having grown up in a situation where my folks were not married and I got to spend time with each, and also now being a parent I just want to add my 2 cents worth of information. Your daughter beongs to both of you and not solely one parent. We learned as kids that our parents were just not meant to be ;for adult reasons together, and it did not involve us and that worked fine in my childs mind as well as it should for your child. The father, may not have been able to handle over nights before this or you may not have allowed it we don't know since you don't say. But at 4 she is old enough to speak and tell you if she is uncomfortable with either of you. It will really confuse her if she sees you acting out, or blaming, as if she is supposed to choose only one of you to love and care about. That is not your reality. I have a foster daughter we raised that had her child with a man that she thought wanted a permenet relationship, and would marry her-- he still doesn't get how she came up with that idea and the child is pre-teen! His parents are great people and now she has gotten to know family from both sides. Your child will have that chance as well. The next step will having to accept that she will get to spend holidays with him as well. You will have to fill the time that she is away with other things, work extra hours, go to a movie, work on a project that all moms have that can't be done with a busy 4 yo at home. Make a new friend and just have adult conversation. You are the parent, you are the caregiver, you are the one unfortunetly that must let go and let someone else step in as a co-parent. No one will ever say that it is easy but if done wisely it can be well worth it. Good Luck.
