Having a Hard Time Encouraging My Husband and Not Yelling at Him.

If I could give awards for answers to this, I would send a big old gold trophy to Tracy K. Her suggestions don't step on his ego but is respectful enough to hold him accountable.

He should apply for unemployment sooner than later. Even if he doesn't get it right away he should apply right away. In my state, not filing right away cuts into how many weeks you will actually receive so sooner is always better and most places have an appeals process you can go through if denied.

Many friends of mine who are or were on unemployment got it after attacking the appeals process. Then they got their money retroactive to the first date they were eligilble and applied. They did apply sooner than later.

He's had a large hit to his ego. Three weeks is a short time in the scheme of things. Yes he knows that he should be looking for a job but he may be depressed. I remember when I came home from losing a job and how I felt not the greatest.

You need to let him look for the jobs himself. I tried this once and it didn't work out. He was not interested in any of the places. Paperwork with phone numbers and addresses laid on the table for several weeks. Nothing was done. So I just left it alone. Health issues came in and changed things so he is now officially retired and collects SSDI.

Gently have a meeting with hubby and present all of the bills and the finances to him in black and white. Let him see what he needs to do so that he will get his butt into gear and find something. Can he get unemployment to help tide you guys over? Don't panic and don't scream. Think of the presentation the same way you would if you were going to be bank for a loan.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

I went through this for and it sucked hard core. There is a lot of pride, machismo, emotion going on inside him. Men are hardwired to support thier family. His acting lackadasical could be his cover for actually being scared to death. Maybe he's trying to act like it's ok for your sake.

My suggestions - what worked for me

1) Make being home really suck. cut off the cable, pawn the video game systems, and leave the kids with him a couple days a week. Start cooking a pot of Beans for dinner 5 nights a week. Make meatless dinners. It won't take long for him to want out of there!

2) be supportive, not nagging. Leave him nice notes to boost his confidence. Tell him regularly that he's still your hero and how proud you are that he is taking the transition so well. Build him up, don't tear him down.

3) apply very gentle pressure and hold him accountable. Check in as though you are checking the schedule - So, honey, what days do you plan to be out job hunting this week? I need you to pick up the kids, so let's take a look at your job hunting schedule for the week. Then ask at the end of the day where all he tried and how it went and give suggestions and compliments - wow honey, that was a great idea to go there, I wonder if they have another location you could try, or how about trying this that and the other tomorrow. That way it feels more like you are working as a team.

4) offer to help and then wait for him to take you up on it. Women think they are helping by asking questions. That is not helping, that is nagging. Help by offering to do things for him - honey, I would be happy to tweek your resume for you. I wouldn't mind submitting a few resumes for you, just let me know how I can help.

5) do it yourself! I helped mine get signed up with career builder, monster, etc. and helped him create a resume. Then, during slow times at work, I would go into all sorts of business websites and submit his resume directly. He put in so many, he couldn't keep track if it was one I did that called. I signed himup with a few temp services so he could still bring in money while job hunting. I networked at my job for him. For instance, I asked the UPS guy if they were hiring.

It worked - the guy has two full time jobs right now!

Read Tracy K's response.

Thanks Tracy for saying it so well and being so supportive.

Hunting for a full time job is a full time job.

Good luck to you and yours.

I would probably approach it from the "I" point of view. As is "I am worried my job isn't enough" "I'm scared if we don't get a second income that we might lose the house"....stuff like that. Generally, men like to fix all our problems, so if you make it *look* like YOUR problem, he may be more inclined to step up.

Also, the lack of interest in job hunting sounds like he may be a little depressed.

When my hubs lost his job and I was the "bread winner"...he went through really rough cycle...about 4 weeks into the unemployment.

His ego is bruised...you yelling at him is not going to motivate him any more than he already isn't. He hasn't thought about it because he's lost...he needs guidance and support from you. It took my husband 10 months to find another job that paid half of what he was previously making. And even then he still didn't return to "normal" ego self.

Yes you are going to have to suck it up, help him out, be his friend, be his wife...BE HIS SUPPORT!

I know couples that dad has been looking for a job for two years. This is not an employee's market...this is a companies market...

Added: Tracy...that is almost exactly what I did with my hubs...SUPPORT!

Tell him to sign up for a few temp agencies. Hopefully they can keep him working while he looks for a new job. As tough as this is he needs to face facts. Sit down with him and go through all of your expenses and income. Take a look at your savings and see how far this will go in your current situation. Ask him where to start cutting expenses. Ask him if you should start dipping into your children's college fund. Layout all the numbers and have a real talk about finances.
Explain to him that you may need to downsize. If he doesn't find a job soon you may need to put the house up for sale and move into an apartment or trade in your cars for something less expensive to run and pay for.
This is not the time to baby him. It's also not the time to become his Mommy. I would not cut off the cable or any other services unless it is a joint decision, if you do that is being his Mommy.
The time to get moving is now--you don't want to wait until your savings are all gone.
Another thought--ask him if you should apply for food stamps, medical assistance ect. The idea of being on public assistance may shock him into reality.

Do you organize and pay all the bills? If so, I would sit down with him and show him the facts in black and white. "here's how much we have, here's what the bills are...here's what's left..." Hopefully that will MAKE him see the urgency in this. There are TONS of people looking for work right now so he needs to kick it in to high gear. I hope he finds something soon. Good luck.

Try to explain to him that his new job is finding a job, so he needs to get up in the morning at the same time every day, showered, dressed, and ready to go to work. And then he needs to spend the time he used to be at work finding a new job. I know it's a hard conversation ... I've had to have it with my mother, my niece, and others and my sister is now having it with her husband. Being out of work isn't easy and he's likely not feeling very good about himself, so take it slow and try to help him understand that finding a new job is A JOB ... it takes work and he needs to put in long hours to make it happen. Best wishes.

Stop. DO not rescue him. He is in mourning and it may take a bit longer but as long as you do this he is not having to do it for himself. He will take up the search but you need to stop. Just let him be for now. I would be totally mad at hubby but why fight about something that he needs to do, it's not your job to do this. It's his. His consequences will be the electric bill will get past due, the house payment will get past due, etc...he will sit up and realize "OMG, I have to get a job!!!" and do so in a few days if there are any avail. But as long as you are doing the stuff for him he has no responsibility to do it himself.

Have you tried letting him do the legwork? I don't mean to come across as harsh at all... but it sounds like since Day 1 of needing to find work, that you have been giving him a list of places/job to apply for and expecting him to go to it. Maybe he needs a week or two to accept what has happened (his previous employment ending under whatever circumstances it was) and to think through his options. Maybe he doesn't really have that many options, and needs to take "ownership" of finding a job. But, from the sounds of it, he hasn't had a chance to take ownership yet...you've been giving him "assignments".
Perhaps if you back off just a smidge, he might surprise you and step up and find something on his own. He may even want to consider finding work in a different line of employment than he had before, and might want to apply for completely different jobs than what you are choosing for him. But he hasn't had much of a chance to explore that "option" it doesn't sound like.

Can you maybe give him a week to "get it together" where you aren't doing all the looking FOR him, and just see what happens at the end of a week? Don't say "I'm giving you a week" or anything like that, though. Just stop all the legwork and job searching YOU are doing, and go to work, do your job and be his wife. Let HIM flounder a day or two and then stand up and do what he needs to.

Best of luck.

Sadly we are wives sort of have control over our husbands that we can make or break their spirit. So if we nag, complain or be hateful it turns them away from their responsiblites. Make them feel worse then they already make themselves feel. Turn to bad habits.
If we support them no matter what, it totally can make them be self confidant to what is right. They subconciously their wife supports them.

It is so hard when you are the one worried about money, how do I feed our family, how do we pay the lights. Keep the faith, and stay calm. I pray you all find a better job situation for your husband.

It is a sign of the times. I know it is hard. Try to encourage without nagging. He probably feels like he has let you and his family down already.Guys seem to measure themselves by what they do. Apply for unemployment ASAP because this process takes time and just in case. Get rid of the items in your budget that are not necessary that will relieve stress in the long run. Know that ultimately GOD is in control. Sometimes HE may take a job away and give you something better. These types of things tend to make a family stronger or tear them apart. Look at it as an adventure and a new start. I will be praying for you.

Can he get unemployment?

I think you do have to put it in writing (spread sheet) before he will get it. My hubby would be the same. He would have to see it in writing.

Also, maybe hubby is taking this seriously, just not showing it. My hubby always appears calm about everything but then just a little something will show me that he too is worried. I think he tries to stay calm outwardly to help me be more calm.

The temp agency is a good idea. But you're right, he should try to apply for more than 6 - 7 jobs per week, if possible.

Good luck to you and your family.

I agree with the depression idea. His doctor can look into that-- Did he lose the family's medical coverage? Can you get it through your employer?

Sit down with him when you're both calm and calculate what he thinks his bonus will be and any other assets or savings accounts you can draw from. Put all the monthly bills on paper and figure out how long you can survive before you have to start drawing from credit cards. You might find some expenses that can be stopped- cable TV, land line phone, etc. Start living on the bare minimum right now. Also, remind him that when he starts a new job, its going to be several weeks to a month before he receives his first paycheck.

Men are very visual creatures and like Lesley said below, they like to fix problems. Once he sees it all on paper, it might give him the motivation he needs.

Best of luck to you.

He may be depressed and need a little time to grieve. If his confidence has taken a hit, he isn't going to interview well and taking a job that he may not want out of desperation isn't the answer, either. Years ago, I lost my job and went on an interview with a recruiter who turned out to be a nice, grandfatherly type of man. About half-way through out discussion, he said, "you know, I don't know what happened there, but you need to quit beating yourself up. You're smart and have great credentials, but you were really beat up and are feeling really insecure about yourself. Let me tell you, anyone who was employed in the 70s/80s has been through this at least once. You're going to be fine, but you have got to rebuild your confidence." I had no idea that I was projecting my own insecurity so loudly, and the guy was totally correct. Just talking to him and having him confirm that I wasn't a giant loser helped so much. Lay off of your husband for a bit. He's an adult. Let him find his footing and his confidence. Have you asked him what kind of job he wants to do next? Do not project "get a job, any job" onto him if you can help it, and quit pointing things out to him...he is still an adult. Build his confidence so that you can encourage him to find a job doing something he'd like to do.

I had the same problem. Threaten or acutally cut off the cable, extraneous food purchases and feed him beans and hot dogs for a couple of days and he will get the hint. We have two cable boxes at our house. I sent one back because there is an extra charge and it got the ball rolling at our house. It is not your job to look it is his. Since he is home, give him some extra work to do around the house and since there will be no cable it will give him something to do. Don't do it for him...

I know lots of married couples in which the husband lost his job, mainly due to downsizing or layoffs.

I think if a man is accustomed to supporting his family, his ego, among other things can take a hit. He could even feel depressed about it.

One thing I do know that did not work for the men in those situations was their wives doing the job looking and completing applications, etc for them.
One woman in particular is a bit of a control freak and the only contact his prospective employers had with him was through his wife.
In her mind, she was acting as his "assistant" or secretary, but in the employers' minds, he apparently wasn't capable of finding a job on his own and he never even got an interview. No wonder. She filled out his job applications, she contacted the firms to confirm receipt of the information. They had NO contact with the actual applicant.
He actually got a job on his own which was not at all where her direction was being spent, but he got a darn good job and he did it himself.

In my opinion, you should NOT do more work finding your husband a job than he is doing. After all, you won't be the one going there every day.
HE should be looking for work and you should be letting him do that. Be supportive by suggesting websites, etc, but don't spend so much time on it that it seems like you've taken over that role.
One really good way to find out about who is hiring is to contact the local Chamber of Commerce. They have a list of all businesses who are members.
Suggest that he look it up and let him look at the businesses and start contacting them and networking for himself.
When I was ready to go back to work after being released from disability, that's what I did. I contacted easily 19 people a day.
It's one of those things that someone else can't do for you, though.
Don't make him feel like he's not even capable of looking for jobs for himself.
Losing a job hurts. You go from having a place to go, even if you don't love it, to not having a place to go that earns money.
I, personally, wouldn't go overboard trying harder to find work for him than he is.
That could backfire.
I understand your position.
I'm just saying that it could be even more emasculating and I do know of one instance where not one single employer responded to the wife doing all the work to get her husband a job.

I wish you the very best.

Yeah, you know maybe he's depressed or maybe he just feels like he can behave like a teenager for a few months and slack off all day. That's what my DH did a few years ago when he was out of work. He just enjoyed sitting in his undies in front of the computer all day...
IMO depression is a fast and easy excuse for laziness by some people (though I do not doubt that there are people who are truly clinically depressed...) not to offend anyone, that just what I see around me.
I solved our problem by emailing him a list of job every day and giving him a 'kick in the butt' speech after about two months...
Good luck!