Guess What... My Time Is Valuable,also.

Whether they have a full time job or not, a good friend wouldnt ditch you or take advantage of you, its time to find better friends.

Can't soeak to the ditching... but for the "SAHM does NOT = Babysitter" thing here's a Q of my own on the same topic a while ago and the FABU responses I got for it. http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/17804342602795974657 :) :) :)

It's inconsiderate of your friends to ditch you--regardless of their profession. I am a SAHM and so are most of my friends. We rarely cancel "dates" because we look forward to them and know how much planning goes into them (childcare, etc).

First of all, I think you are right to question/modify/eliminate "friends" that "ditch" you without even the courtesy of a call!

However, as far as the babysitting, I think the fact that they work or not is irrelevant. Unless you'd *think* that maybe a working mom would actually WANT to spend some time with her kid(s) when she's not working. (Call me crazy! lol)
It's always something. Because I have O. child, people with more than O. think MY house is always the BEST place for a play date. Really? I though alternating was a good thing. Yes--I chose to have O.--but I also enjoy having mine out of the house for a few hours so I can accomplish something.

Point is--people will only take what you allow. Next time say something like (IF you're game) "Sure, Sally can come over from 10-1 and I'll give her lunch but we have plans at 1." You've simply gotta mention that end time.

I could NOT have put that any better. People do both of those things to me ALL THE TIME.!. i thought it was just my crazy group.

I also have no problem saying no, but have friends that have a hard time actually believing the no. When this happens I institute the astronautically high rate for watching kids other than my own. I charge 10 dollars per 15 minutes and double that if you are later than our agreed time. When people ask me why it is so high I well them that I have had way too many people not understand NO and Since I really don't want to do it, I make it it painful enough that you won't ask again.

I go with the 1st instinct.

Hi there,

From reading your entire post, I don't think this has *anything* to do with these women working. Maybe there is something intrinsic to this that I'm missing, but here's the deal: when people who leave you high and dry consistently or leave their kids for 'a couple' eight hours, it is time to decide how much you love being friends with them.

If you are over the moon about these women and love every other aspect of their personality, then address it when these things come up. The next time plans are made, be clear about your expectation ("I really need to know ahead of time if you've made other plans or think you're going to cancel, so I can take advantage of that time") and see what happens. The same thing for babysitting:"I have some other things I need to take care of today, so if you come back anytime before X, that would work for me." Be assertive about what you are needing, ask for clarity when someone gives you a general or vague answer-- ask for a time on the clock, not just "a couple hours" (which some people obviously expand to fit their needs, not yours).

If your friends can get it together, awesome. If not, or if you just don't feel like making the effort anymore, then stop reaching out. Be busy when they ask for babysitting. If they think to ask why you aren't so available, it's your choice to try and improve things, or to just let them go and disinvest.

And no, from your description, I don't think your are being 'tough' on anyone, unless you are leaving something out. (as in the eight hour sitting job was related to a health/crisis issue, or the cancellations were due to serious extenuating circumstances... then maybe it's worth rethinking one's tolerance for others' needs) But it doesn't seem to me to be this way from your post.

first ditching and not calling is nothing to do with working or staying at home - that is a rude people thing! S., the great thing about watching their kids for 8 hours is - next time it's their turn! you could argue that you need a sitter more desperately than they do - you are with yours 24/7! (this also has nothing to do with working or staying at home, lol). sounds like you just have some user friends...

Make them pay dollars..NO FREE DAYCARE. When you do that you are taking valuable revenue from responsible caring providers that have provided this service many years and are open on the weekends.

Many parents are just lazy and ill informed and looking to get something for free. They tell people like you (pushovers?) that it's hard to find "babysitting" on the weekend. What they really mean is that they haven't looked or it's costly. Neither is always true.

I charge 25 dollars for any hours they need and I give sibling discounts. I get calls on the weekends from people that want to go out last minute all the time on the weekends. Only I can't help them because I've never met them. I explain over and over in my ads and on the phone that it's wrong to dump a child off with a total stranger. The best thing for the child and the provider is to spend some time together in advance. Then they go home and on another day they come back. This way everyone gets a chance to mentally prepare for it. The child can tell their parents in the privacy of their own car or home if they liked the provider. I know the children aren't feeling abandoned and I won't spend the next several hours of my life trying to make up for bad parenting.

As for the not showing up and no calls...YEP I get that ALL THE TIME. I put a similar question through here about why people are so rude? I had MANY mamasource (back then) mommies telling me to A) get over it because I'm open and have nothing better to do than to wait for the people to show up. B) they are so much more busy and time more valuable than mine. C) I was told that my house and life should always be so clean and perfect that I shouldn't have to "prepare" for an interview and that I shouldn't feel put out if they don't show. D) I didn't sound very forgiving or nice and they wouldn't want a provider like me that would be upset if the parents set an interview and don't show up.

Some may feel this isn't exactly the same thing. But oh yes, it absolutely is the SAME. They don't feel you have a life and that you need them to be reliable with you.

Real, true friends don't treat their friends this way. I would let go of these relationships and go out and seek healthier, better, honorable friends who will really be there for you and honor their word! In terms of babysitting for 8 hrs etc, you need to set your boundaries---people like this if given the chance will walk all over you and continue to do so--you have to stand firm and say NO. I am not ok with that. NO I am not available to babysit anymore-- Why? Well, the past is the best predictor of future behavior and if they haven't followed through or have disrespected you or your time, they will do it again and again and again etc. Best wishes in finding true friends who will love and appreciate you for you!

M

You know the old saying...fool me once...shame on you...fool me twice...shame on ME??
When someone "ditches" you...call them...see what is going on..shoot maybe they ended up in the hospital or something...and you are wasting your energy getting all upset !! :-)
As for the friend who dropped the child off for a couple of hours and stayed away 8 hours...next time tell her what time she needs to be back because YOU have something really really important that you have got to do. And didn't she leave you a cell phone number where she could be reached? I would never go off and leave my child without a way for the caregiver to get in touch with me in case of an emergency.

These "friends" to me do not seem like friends. If plans are made and someone is unable to make it CALL, any good friend or good person would give a call. To me even a text is not good enough unless they have no voice or throwing up.

With the babysitting. Do you charge? Have a specific set time, ask how long, let them know 20 mins late and you will either charge or charge more (like overtime). 8 hrs is you being a nanny not a babysitter. I would start saying no or telling them that you can only watch them for 4 hours that is it.

I am sure there is other stuff but from the above it really seems like they are using you to get and want nothing to do about giving. Not nice in my book.

You call them your "friends"I think not,ditch them now before they decide to ditch you oh wait they have already your plans that keep getting canceled no call no text nothing till they need you to watch their kids

these people aren't really your friends

I would let them know in advance that you have plans that day and are only available to watch their kids for 2 or up to 4 hours. They need to be back to pick them up at this time so you can do what you planned that day. Something to that effect and if they are not there, you need to call and say, I really need to go do this or that, please come get your kids. I would think they would not have a problem with it as you already put a time where they needed to be back by on the table at that point. Don't just accept a blank form and yes I will babysit that day. Say I will babysit between this time and this time and leave it at that. That way they know the time to be back and should not be upset if you call to remind them at the time you specified. I really wish I had friends that would babysit for me without payment so I could go see a movie or go out to dinner. Those friends are taking advantage of you, and you need to put the end time for them so they know you are busy too. I too am a SAHM, I don't get out but maybe once a month at this point without the kids. Then it is without my hubby too when I do get out. No family in Tucson either, so no chance of it happening soon.

D. P.

They should be babysitting your kids since you're the one that's with your kids 24/7 and needs a break. Being a SAHM is way more work than going to a job. I agree with Retrodaisy's suggestions. Once you set clear boundaries, you'll see if they're truly your friends but it certainly doesn't sound like it (sorry). You may want to try some playgroups where you may meet some moms that are more like you.

Hi there,
I have been a SAHM and I am now a full time working mom. Your situation does not have anything to do with your working status. Being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world!
Your "friends" are being inconsiderate. Their time is not more valuable than yours. I would suggest being proactive for awhile. When you make plans, only make them a few days in advance. Call the day before to confirm the plans. I have a scattered friend that often makes plans, but forgets to write them down - so I remind her. If one particular friend cancel more than 1 out of 4 times tell her that it hurts your feelings when she cancels. She may just assume you are always free and can switch plans easily.
As for the babysitting, if your friend's child plays well with your child it is okay to watch them for a few set hours (three max). If you do not benefit in anyway by having their child over it is babysitting. You could charge to watch the kids, or suggest that they find a babysitter because you have a busy weekend. Always know when they are going to pick up their child. Get their cell phone number and call if they are 15 minutes later than scheduled. If you watch their children, they should be happy to watch yours the following weekend.
Set some boundaries and see what happens before you drop these people. It is hard to make friends as an adult, but these people sound like they are taking advantage of you. Good Luck!