Gripe About Holiday Pot Luck

I would be very direct and ask them to bring what you want them to bring. Be as specific as possible: how much, serving utensils, the works. And maybe ask for more than what you really need from them and hope you get at least what is needed! Sounds like fun! Enjoy and happy holidays!

I have found that some people will just bring the minimum, or something that I already have and don't need. So I would go directly to them and say that I need you to bring whatever it is and enough to feed 12 people. Then if you still have gaps send out a email and say that you still have gaps and would people like to bring more then they originally signed up for.

What's the worse that can happen, they'll get mad at you. That's not a huge loss!!

I agree, if you know they are going to slack be verbal about what you expect them to bring. Do not wait on them to tell you, tell them first.

Holy smokes! Quit keeping score!!! If you want two dishes ask for two dishes. If you want desserts, ask for desserts. If you want a potato dish, ask for a potato dish.

Quit comparing yourself to them. Your values and priorities are different than theirs. That doesn't makre yours right and theirs wrong. You have been 'quietly' stewing for 10 years. Let it go. Quit being the martyr and start enjoying the true meaning of the holidays.

You sound a lot like my situation has been.. not just for Christmas but when it comes to gift giving and always doing a little bit more than the notorious cheapskates. Which by the way, every family has..

It has taken me YEARS to overcome my being pissed off that some family (let alone friends) never seem to want to do more than they have to..

Then one day (most recently) a light bulb came on... It happened rather unexpectedly.. This Summer my family and I went on a vacation and like all my vacations in the last 25 years, I ALWAYS looked to buy quality souvenirs for friends.. In one case (a former close friend) I always took the time to find her something extra special...

Well, she too went on a nice vacation this year. In her case, Italy.. for three weeks she and her boyfriend lived it up.. In turn, she brought me a dish towel.. while a dish towel is fine, I however bought her a nice purse and a few more goodies.. I totally over-spent (sigh , again)

At first I was taken back by her gift in that she does make a ton more than I do, and too, I have always brought her a well thought out gift. This includes her previous husband and now boyfriend.....

Turns out, her being a cheapskate was the BEST thing that ever happened to me.. It finally clued me into the fact that I way OVER give and have the ability to stop it... It also taught me that she wasn't just cheap but in many ways, I had been her doormat for many years and I foolishly allowed it to go on.. (That is a different story) ....

Now, how am I dealing with this during the holiday season. One, I am not giving gifts to any adults. (most have everything)
Two, I am not inviting so many people over to my house that I NEVER get a chance to sit down but instead am always serving and catering to peoples' needs..

Three, I am NOT going overboard with all the food. Used to be I had to have the best wine and champagne. I had to have GREAT desserts and gifts for everyone.. nope, not this year. While I will still make a nice dinner.. I won't be running up a huge tab.. Additionally, there will only be gifts for the kids and Four............ no more souvenirs... :)

My suggestion, begin to make stronger boundaries whereby you only give what feels comfortable (regardless of what others do) .. This was a good starting point for me... Once I began to curb my OVER-giving.. it's allowed me to make other boundaries , such as who I host at my house and what I cook... It all builds on itself... start with little things and go from there..

I wish you the best

The issue here isn't a pot luck. And it isn't the fact they don't think ahead and generously bring "kid food" like you do.

You are steamed that they don't have your standards.

And yeah, objectively your standards are higher. And it sounds like the rest of the family's are too.

But please stop and think about this: Why does this couple take up so much of your mental real estate? Do you see what I mean? You only have so much you NEED to be thinking about. Why let them occupy such a large share of that space?

You cannot change them. You'd love to but you cannot. They do not see the world through your lens. You'd love them to but they won't. So...why not change the way YOU think? You know they'll be late so you learned not to hold meals for them. Good step. Now just invite them, and behave as if they aren't coming and aren't bringing anything. Carry on. Enjoy yourselves with the other relatives. If they come, nice, if not, do you miss them? You never once say if you actually like them as people or enjoy their jokes or their conversation or in any way particularly want to be with them for any reason other than that they are relatives.

Being relatives isn't enough, to me, to make this level of rant worthwhile.

Maybe if you read your own post you'll see how much of your attention they are getting and you'll question whether you really want to put so much energy into being frustrated with them. You know what they will (or rather, won't) do. You KNOW. So change your own behavior: Stop expecting anything. Invite and let it go.

If you do read your own post again, I hope you can also be open-minded enough to read it like a stranger would. There are so many repeated references to everyone's comparative incomes and abilities to pay for things. "If you can afford it, and they can..." You take pains to note that they have more disposable income than you do. You are careful to say that they never, ever go "above and beyond expectations" -- like you always do. Whose expectations? Yours. Curb your expectations, but also take a look at why you're keeping score like this and why you're framing everything in terms of this couple being tightwads when you are ever generous and ever thoughtful. I believe you truly are those things, but can you see how what you've written here unveils some real issues with keeping score over money?

Oh I totally get it . . . with some people you just have to drop all expectations. And be very, very direct.

Otherwise let it go.

Glad you ranted here and not with your family! :)

I read this and thought: "Whoa, is this lady in my head?" :)

I think your experience is very common. I don't have the cure. I don't know how we can understand what folks are thinking and why they "assume" their help is not needed.

But I really enjoyed your rant, because it tells me that so many of us have some things in common, whether they are happening now, or happened in the past.

Wishing you a wonderful dinner and celebration.

If you asked me to bring a dish to a pot luck, I would bring one dish. If you asked me to bring two dishes, I would bring two dishes. Yes, I see there is a lot of messy family history here, but they can't read your mind.

wow you did the typical girl "i hope they can read my mind" because i'm going to pissed if the can't towards someone other than a signifigant other. that deserves some kind of award=)

it seems like they do what they have to and you're upset they dont do more because you do?
you asked them to bring a dish and they signed up for one? seems they did what you asked for
if you want them to bring another J. ask.
simply dont do more than your happy with, and then you wont be upset about others not doing more then they want.
you cant control them, you can only control yourself

Old Indian Motto:

Never criticize your neighbor until you have walked a mile in their moccosins.

You seem to be assuming that just because you are so organized and prepared that everyone else is too.

My Uncle, Aunt and grown kids (8 of them) and their significant others and kids all showed up at my wedding reception for the free meal.
It's just what they do.
They are the black sheep side of the family (they say this themselves, brag about it even) and they are proud of it.
But even if they contribute nothing - they always give the rest of the family something to talk about.
They are an entertaining bunch. - sort of a real life traveling Jerry Springer show.
Count your blessings.
At least there aren't 20+ of them.

ooooh, this makes me so sad.

I am that SIL. I grew up never realizing that 8 loads of laundry in a day are what most people do. So hidden disfunctional upbringing combined with a tendancy toward depression that I am trying to manage with out meds. Means i am constantly overwhelmed.

I plan in my head to research never before served but fabulously wonderful side dishes and plan days ahead to make them fresh that day, only to have DH work late so that i don't have time to shop for the ingredients after the kdis are in bed as i had planned, and then it's too late and DH tells me just to grab 2 bags of chips as we are racing out the door because i had to iron all the wrinkled laundry in load number nine that had all our "good" clothes in it.

and to keep from crying because this is NOT what i had planned and because my SIL has created the most lovely dinner complete with table decorations and napkin rings and has had her hair done and her nails done and looks lovely and calm and serene, I just smile and say, Look I brought Chips!

I'm aware that i have screwed up, but it's less embarrassing to pretend i haven't.

not sure i can speak to your sil. but ...

And for what it's worth my hubby brings in more income than my bil and while basically responsible how he says we spend our money isn't how he spends our money. which is a Whole nuther post.

that was a lot to say, you probably will never change her so all you can do is expect nothing and be surprised by 2 bags of chips.

edited: I did read your so what happened and my chest tightened up not in a good way but even lovingly given your "advice" made me feel inadaquate all over again, because ... why of course, so obvious and so easy a solution,.... but that advice is from someone to whom it is all so easy because you would never dream of not doing it step by step well in advance. My brain doesn't work that way, and to follow your advice would only work if that was how i normally approached problems, unlike the scattered, yet creative way "I" deal with things. I yam what i yam and i'm trying not to compare, but when nautally organized people try to fit me in that mold, it just makes me feel even sadder.
I appreciate that you didn't mean it maliciously, but maybe your SIL knows she will never measure up and is protecting herself by keeping her distance, just a thought for you and all that agreed with you.

oh and if her upbringing was completely and totally different than yours, she very well could be just a rude self centered person. it is a definate possiblitiy

Never assume you really understand anyone else's financial situation and never assume other people can read your mind. They have shown that (at least to you) they don't "get it" so either:
Be Direct (can you please being a hit appetizer and a jello salad?"
Or
Take their contribution for what it is--a contribution. I mean it IS possible that their actions aren't really part of a master plan for world domination!
You say "I'm trying not to let this irritate me because I really don't want to stress over stupid things" so DON'T!

I'm glad you added this at the end: "I won't even ask if I'm being petty, because I know on some level I am." Geez, they are who they are. It doesn't sound to me like they're doing anything that terrible. They might think: "Wow, everyone else always brings so much! We don't need to bring extra.... there's always so much excess." (I kind of feel this way at my in-laws.) As someone else mentioned, they have a different standard. I don't think it's a matter of being able to afford it financially.

Anyway, others have given you good advice below. I hope you can enjoy your family holiday!

As others have said, I think that you just need to accept the fact that they are who they are. Not everyone is generous by nature, and some people are perfectly fine with consistently doing the minimum. You need to adjust your expectations: they are NOT like you. So be it.
And be specific about what you want people to bring, rather than assuming anything. That's what we do in our extended families and it keeps things fair and equal.

If you know there are going to be gaps in your menu it might make sense to notify people about that now to allow them time to budget and plan for bringing more.

I think much of your problem stems from poor communication. You assume that people will know that what you want is for them to bring multiple items, though you don't state it directly. You are upset that BIL and his wife "only bring what they said they would". What, exactly, is wrong with saying you are going to do something and then doing it? You are making a choice to do more, but you don't seem to be doing it out of a place of generousity, instead you have been keeping score for a decade. You know who these people are. If you want them to bring two dishes, you need to ask them to do so. You have plently of experience telling you that they won't go beyond what is required, so tell them what you need and stop playing these games where you say one thing but mean another. Family get togethers should not include everyone having to read your mind. Just be clear and direct.

As far as your assertions that "they can afford it", how do you know? And what business is it of yours? Couldn't they be assuming the same thing about you? That you make more money and thus are happy to provide more at family gatherings? I think in terms of finances, it is best to worry only about your own here, and not get yourself worked up about what you think they ought to do based on how much money you think they have. Its their money to spend as they see fit.

I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, I don't intend it that way, I just think that you can't change their behavior-which, for the record does sound selfish to me-but you can change your own attitude and how you intereact with them. That is really the only way to make this any better.

Good luck!

Really, I don't think you are being petty. I guess there is "one" in every family. I used to host Thanksgiving for my husband's family. He has one sister that shows up late every year, contributes NOTHING, and then never seems to want to leave. One year, she was supposed to bring the potatos. She walked in 30 minutes after we were supposed to eat and handed me a BAG of potatos. Then, after dinner she called all of her friends and told them to stop by her brother's house because he was having a party. Really? Needless to say, that was the last year I hosted his family at our house for anything!

I think you are completely justified in your feelings and, I think I would reach out to the BIL and ask if they would mind bringing a dessert as well (or whatever you had in mind).

Ask them directly to bring another dish. If you ask "the group" chances are they will NOT volunteer and will expect someone else to.

I do agree with the other poster that in future, plainly state your expectations (in a nice, but blunt way), so that you can avoid people's not guessing right. It won't miraculously change SIL & BIL into kind, warm, giving, generous, non-self-centered people, but it will remove their excuse that "they didn't know." Frankly, the less effort you spend on them, the better. It takes 2 to have a relationship that is cooperative, loving, giving, and they sound more like takers who will just keep taking, as long as you and other keep giving.

Yes, every family has them. The ones who OVER give and the ones who barely give and the ones who just show up. Even church families.
We have a pot luck every month. If you over give then you resent people you should love. So don't. If you meet the required dish and enough to share, yea. We have a whole lot who just show up to the meal, yea.
I have done a few eyerolls but generally I have learned to balance and yes, A.L. It brings a sense of freedom. Freedom to love others. Freedom from resentment. Sometimes we barely have enough but it's not the only meal of the day! It gives me the chance on occasion to go whole hog one time and give generously. It gives me permission when I am sick or low on funds to slack a little. It all works out in the end.
I generally am in the back afterwards washing dishes but I give myself permission to spend the time on some one on one fellowship sometimes. I don't give till I resent any more and you shouldn't either. You are not doing anybody any favors.

I could deal with everything EXCEPT for the late part. Set the time when dinner will be served and stick to it. If they want to be consistently rude and thoughtless, then they can dig into what's left (which I'm sure in your home will be plenty and MORE). Adults and children need to understand that the world does not revolve around them.

Some people are just CHEAP, there's one in every family and some are able to contribute more then just a little and still don't because they are cheap!

So as I said don't wait to eat, perhaps that will teach them a long overdue lesson.

I totally understand where you're coming from. Every extended family has people like you, and people like your BIL and his wife. I am like you - I coordinated the Thanksgiving potluck for my IL's extended family dinner, which numbers 30+ people. I did a sign up genius and was VERY clear that the two co-matriarchs (GMIL and her sister, 93 and 88 and both recovering from major illnesses) who had normally provided the lion's share of dishes over the years (shameful in and of itself that no one took these off their workload 20 years ago) were NOT cooking and that everyone would need to do more this year. And was able to predict in advance who would actually step up and who would bring a bag of chips. True to form, those who don't contribute and never host did their normal thing. To top it off, I didn't even have dinner there! I did an hour of set up, had dinner at my parents' house and then returned for 3+ hours of clean up.

Anyway...I try to focus on the positive and laugh about the princesses who don't lift a finger. My husband and I will probably host the big Thanksgiving gathering next year and he has all kinds of grand ideas about ordering people around but really, those who don't feel obligated to do their share probably never will. And that's OK. I'm glad that I can be a good host and good guest and don't worry about everyone else. I assume (sometimes a bit generously) that those who don't do as much as everyone else in these types of situations somehow contribute more in other areas of life. It usually doesn't work out that way, but it helps me not get miffed.

Anyway...I would just go ahead and have your husband call his brother and say "hey thanks for planning on bringing X, will you also bring Y & Z as well?" Some people just have to be asked point blank to do more. I would have no problem telling one of my siblings to bring something else. Just be direct and cheerful about it.

I totally get what you're saying. I would absolutely just ask them to bring x, y or z. Dare them to make a comment!! I'd welcome if they actually asked why they should have to bring more than one thing or something like that. And do the bare minimum with them. Some people will criticize me but my MIL barely lifts a finger for me if i drag our 2 kids cross country - not as easy when they were babies - so now I treat her the same. Very polite and all but if she comes, I'm not going out of my way for her. It really really lessens the resentment. My husband always excused her incredible cheapness in terms of gift giving to our girls by saying she doens't have much money. Well - turns out she has plenty! So nothing I can do but believe me no more buying her expensive gifts bc "she can't afford to buy it for herself." I suppose you have to host these people but I'd be looking for them to host next and make a point of it. And if they change their minds last minute about comign to a party, tell if at all possible, tell them no. hard to do if it's an at home party but if it's ever at an jumpy type place, tell them final headcount is in, sorry. Hopefully now that you've vented some, you feel better and Xmas day, don't ask them a thing about themselves...

Isn't it annoying when you put so much time and effort (and yes, money) into hosting an event that everyone will enjoy, and you feel like your efforts aren't appreciated or even acknowledged? Yeah, I get it. I've got one of those in my family, too.

And when they DO host something at their house, which is rare, as soon as you walk through the door, they let you know how long they expect the get-together to last. I'm not kidding. One Thanksgiving we arrived at their house and they proceeded to tell us that they were going to be catching a movie in about 3 hours. NO JOKE. It went downhill from there (the wife didn't say one word to us, threw paper plates at my mother, etc., scowled the entire time) and my husband and I vowed to never spend another holiday at their house EVER again. We haven't since. It was like she was doing us a freaking favor by hosting an event at their house.

Anywho, that's my own personal rant. But I learned to be specific with mine. I learned to not be offended when they exit the event early because they've double-booked plans (every time? really?) I've learned to stop trying so hard to make conversation with a wall of indifference and non-interest. And for you, it does sound like they think you have more money. Don't you see? You owe THEM! :)

Brush it off, stop caring so much, stop trying so hard to please others and start enjoying your events and the company of the rest of your family. You cannot change them and you'll continue to be disappointed, I'm afraid. And ask them to bring TWO dishes!

Best of luck and happy holidays!

I have stingy family members too. We've learned to see it as amusing. Lol on not brining one extra thing to share for family house vacations. But I agree with another poster, "they cannot read your mind". Simply ask them if they can bring A, B, or C.

My overarching question after reading your post is this: has anyone ever directly ASKED BIL/SIL to do something specific? Or does everyone just expect them to know what y'all want them to do? And if no one has ever asked them to do anything different or additional, for 10+ years, how would they know?

This really hits a nerve with me because my family operates very similarly - "everyone" get annoyed with one person but never says anything, because they are just "expected" to know, and this can go on for years and years and years... and when it finally comes out, it's ugly and lame. My siblings and I didn't talk for over a year because they were mad at me for something I "should have known", and when I asked them why they hadn't told me sooner, they got mad at me for not "getting it." Well, ____@____.com, sorry for not being a mind reader.

It's like the husband asking "what's wrong" and the wife saying, "If you don't know then I'm not going to tell you!!! You must not love meeeeee!!!!!"

The long and short of it is, you can't expect people to change if you don't tell them what you want them to change. And you can't expect things to be "obvious" either. What you choose to do is what YOU choose to do, and you cannot expect others to just "know" that you expect them to live up to that standard if you don't tell them. With regard to your specific upcoming event, as the host, YOU should be specific about what you need. If you wanted people to sign up for two things, then you should say that directly. "Here are the items we need, each family unit please sign up for two things." It's that easy. Since you didn't say what you wanted in the first place, now you need to go to whomever you want to bring additional items and specifically ask them to bring what you want them to bring. Do not rely on hints and expect people to pick up on them. That is a total set up, and it's not fair.

I have to wonder what your resistance is to being direct. I encourage you to try it and see how it works. You might be pleasantly surprised.

It's hard to host a party that automatically includes people you wouldn't go out of your way to invite otherwise, isn't it?

This Thanksgiving I had Thanksgiving dinner for my immediate family on the Sunday before. I enjoyed the day of Thanksgiving better because I had already had "my" Thanksgiving. It made the second, but official day not so important anymore. I didn't care what happened that day.

There could be a bunch of things going on:
-they don't feel comfortable, either, just as you don't, so spend as little time as possible
-someone in the family is dealing with some ailment you are unaware of
-they don't like to cook
-someone could have severe social anxiety
-holiday times are stressful. it kicks up lots of old issues. Maybe someone is reliving something difficult
-There's less sun in November-seasonal disorder?
-They have less money than you think
-Whatever

Host the party how you want to host it.
Be unconcerned about how people decide to attend.
Have a good time at your party. If you can't, don't have a party.

And: How does one make more money but have less disposable income? Big house? More kids? Over-extended in some way? Are you stressed out about this? Fix your finances, perhaps?

My BIL is frugal, so I've stopped expecting my equal share in gifts for my family. Yep, they have more money, too. They have different priorities for money. I grew up with "get the perfect present," and he grew up with "name a price, and stick to the price." Whatever.

Holidays are stressful. "Nough said.

There are givers and there are takers . You are obviously a giver and they are just takers. I know it is not about the money for you but being kind and respectful . They will never change . As my mom says if they are being rude and not pulling their weight it is the wife's fault .She is in charge of bringing the food /hostess gifts etc. The men just don't get it . So they will never change so just laugh at how cheap/rude/ selfish they are . Its kind of pathetic that people are like that , ya know . Have a Merry Christmas !

I don't have people sign up what they WANT to bring, I just say, you are bringing this and this, you this and this, etc. So I would just email your BIL and wife and say, we need mashed potatoes and no one signed up for them, can you bring them please? And that's it. All the rest? Let it go. If they show up late and everyone is already eating, don't jump up, just point in the kitchen and say, go ahead and grab your plates. Dont' make it easy for them. Hopefully they will naturally feel embarrassed and think twice before showing up late next time. And if you don't have enough food or something, even more reason to be embarrassed. Same thing if they decide at the last minute to show up for a bday party or something else. Say, oh, glad you could make it and let them fend for themselves. No big deal. I hope it works out for you. Good luck!

I see you have had a lot of answers already. Not going to read them all, so if my answer is redundant, please excuse. What we do in our family is that the one who is hosting plans the menu, then asks each family to bring something specific. Since we all know each other's special dishes to make, we generally go with that method of deciding who brings what. Sometimes, in the conversation, someone will come up with a new idea "gee, I just found this recipe I'd like to try. What do you think about me making that instead of ___ (or in addition to the other items)? I know another family where there isn't such specificity. The person hosting will say "please be in charge of the dessert" and one family will bring something they quickly picked up at the store, and generally not enough to go around, or no variety (as in one kind of pie rather than two or three different kinds to choose from) - and they probably won't bring whipped topping, but will ask the host for some for their own piece of pie! When we are invited to this home, we just know that's how that family is, and we expect it to happen. Sometimes one of us will bring an extra to hopefully compensate, or we just ignore the fact that they haven't provided in a generous manner, and let it go for the sake of getting along as best we can.

Have you tried suggesting that everyone meet up at a restaurant? Ask for separate tabs!