Grandparents Undermining Our Rules/decisions

Well I haven't been in the position of having my parents live with me. However I did have to "have the talk" with my parents on several occasions about NOT treating me like an adult. Basically I was sick of them giving me unwanted advice and telling me what to do when they lived completely dysfunctional lives. And now even being married with two kids, my mother constantly has needed to be reminded that SHE is not my kids parent and that if she wants to spend time with them/us she needs to be the Grandma not the Mommy.

Although my situation is different, I think sometimes things just need to be laid out. I never wanted to hurt my mother's feelings and I presented my "talk" that way. I did make her cry, I did leave her feeling untrusted with taking my kids to her lake house, etc. However it NEEDED to be said. Personally I am someone who "tells it like it is" because I don't believe in being fake, dodging issues or pretending to be nice when I think other people aren't showing respect.

You don't say if your parents are not respecting your wishes or simply being too nice trying to help with the kids chores or maybe not being "aware" of how they are imposing or creating more work for you? I think the tone of the conversation should match THEIR intent...if they are trying to be helpful, say, "I know you're trying to help out, and we appreciate that, however..." Now if you feel they are downright disrespecting what you tell your kids as your mother, then I think the tone comes across as, "I NEED for you to respect my decisions with my children in my house. We love having you here with us. And in order for this to work out, I need to be able to run my house and be in control of my kids..."

I have had to do this over and over again with my mother. Fortunately I think she's finally GOT IT. We will NOT be going on family vacation with her anymore since she has pressed the issue of having things "her way" during a family vacation. I have also told her that I respect her feelings and that WE will opt out in the future. I also have had to make certain things clear when it came to MY family...maybe you will need to do the same. That there are times, functions, etc. that maybe only YOUR immediate family participates in. It's not that you don't love your parents, but that you too need some "alone time" especially now that your home is not a personal sanctuary.

It is so generous of you to take them in. Just make sure you lay out some ground rules NOW before you feel like you have no say in how your home is run.

Good luck!

M.,
I am old by this website's standards and when my mom is at my house overnight, I am 14 again too!
I guess there are 2 schools of thought to this:
O....have a "sit down" and lay out the chore policy. The kids are to do their own chores. Give your mom and dad each a chore if you think it would make them feel better! :-)
Two...let it slide and really enjoy having the kids get the experience of being so close with their grandparents.

I think the issue of YOUR siblings treating your home as public domain will need to be dealt with right away or it's going to get worse. Don't hesitate to take advantage of the fact that they ARE there, and have them help you out with your parent's laundry, linen changes, etc. You can also get out & about when they re there but don't allow them to disrespect your home!

As for the student loans--not much you can do about that at this point.
Best wishes!

First off you didn't say how old your parents are but that really isn't important at this time. You have to have a heart to heart with them explaining that you have raised your children to be respectful. As for you tell them that you appreciate the love and care they are willing to give to you however you are now grown, you love them dearly and are so very happy that they are there with you, but you have to do things your way just as they did while raising you.As for your family (sisters') you have to explain to them as well, that you appreciate the fact that they are at least visiting their parents but pls. help out while there. Lighten the load, you shouldn't have to do the cleaning etc. all the time, they are bringing along with them all of their family. Don't be afraid to let them know that this is hard for you,especially looking after your elderly parents and them over and above that. Figure a schedule out that you will take your parents to visit them once or twice a month if not more, so they are not their all the time.They may feel that they are in your parents' home but they are NOT!! I gather that mom and dad always did the work for them when they visited their home. As for the college assistance, you may be entitled to a government grant because of your income being used for your parents. Even apply for a forgiveable loan,this is something that you don't pay back. Check with your Human Resources' and see what you can do in this aspect. I wish you well, I have my father in law residing with us due to a brain hemorrage and it has taken its toll. Yes he helps out with his pension etc. but now all of our utilities bills have gone up. He runs his electric heater (says hes' cold) which I don't deny. When you get older your skin does get thinner, plus his electric blanket, light on all night. It all adds up. Never depend on the college being taken care of, I know you didn't see this coming however again talk to your Human Resources' to see if you are eligible for assistance. I don't think that you would be denied if you have something of that nature in your area.
Good luck, don't be afraid to speak out and most importantly take care of your family, they come first and foremost. I know that you are trying to take your parents in out of your respect and love for them. If your sisters can't to it then they should at least contribute something, even their time so that you are able to have "me time" as I call it and not come home to a mess and then you are upset because you have to clean it all. Give it a whirl, I'm sure they will all understand. Good luck, I'm sure you need it and be patient for things to work out.

;

Hi, M.:

Check out the Family Group Decision Making Conference coordinator and you all come up with the decisions on how things will be run in your houselhold.

###-###-#### or the web at www. iirp.org

Good luck. D.

I totally agree with JL. Parents will be parents forever!

I do think that it's hard to be a parent and want to take care of your child and then feel helpless that you can't offer them anything, in fact, THEY are taking care of YOU! Their advice and helping the kids is their way of trying to pay you back. My grandma used to do my chores for me when I was a kid as her way of being a "good grandma."

Could you tell them what you DO need? I think the worst thing you could do is tell them you don't need anything. Is there a way they could help?

Otherwise (and I use this tactic with my mother) ask for advice that you know they could help you with. I ask my mom for cooking advice all the time. She LOVES it when I ask her! That really cuts down on the other unwanted advice because she feels like she's already helping me.

My grandma insisted on helping with the cooking until the day she died. She'd sit at the table and peel potatoes (with her failing eyesight) and she had Alzheimers so she couldn't remember stuff. Still, she glowed with pride when we oohed and ahhed over her cooking (my mom did most of the work but we let grandma take the credit).

Basically, if you let your parents know that they are still wanted, needed, loved and they can contribute then I have a feeling your situation will change. I did read that health starts to deteriorate the fastest when older people feel like they are no help anymore. The longer you can help, the longer they will stay healthy.

Good luck!

I would definately go to a counselor - hopefully with your huband also so he understands what is going on. You have changed the way you live - and I don't think many understand what a big change it is.
As for the money situation and the student loans - my two brothers and sister put themselves through college - and paid for it themselves. They highly value their education. It is a tough subject, because you want to help, but sometimes you can only do so much. Help with what you can - and have the kids do the rest - they are adults by this time. Student loans can be deferred and interest rates are low - it might not be a huge burden on them - and may buy some time.

Of course you need to get yourself to a therapist. Therapy is not a last resort it's a training device. it's also a very helpful outlet for someone dealing 24-7 with other people's needs. I haven't had my parents in my home, but i'm full time feeder for my mom and was the kid on hhand for the parents for the 4 years before my father died at 93. It was wonderful. and completely crazy making. The thing I found is at a certain point, your parents are no longer learning animals. They're not capable of the things they were and it's not realistic to expect them to be. As a daughter this is incredibly hard to accept and as you're saying incredibly frustrating and a lot of hard work. It's wonderful and your kids will learn a lot of important things about what's valuable and right. You'll have precious times, they just won't be like you expected them to be. Chin up and know you're doing important work. (and your kids are going to have to learn this too, and to figure out that they need to be respectful enough of their grandparents and the family system not to let them to their chores! good luck with that, eyes rolling!)

A therapist was listening to the same radio station that I listened to last weekend. (I think this must have been meant for you as I never heard this radio show before and I really don't know how the channel selector got to this station, so here it is,) The therapist called into the radio commentator with this remark, "Many doctors are not happy today, but what you (radio commentator) said over the radio many years ago, I decided to hang out of my therapist window. The radio commentator wanted to know what had influenced the therapist many years ago......."Many people are searching for the 'City of Happiness', when they should really be looking for is their 'State of Mind'".
So, count your blessings that your loved ones are not dead. Housekeeping is a chore which I like to do with the radio. Take time for yourself so that you can be yourself.
Life is a stage, how do you want to look in the grand finale?

I read through a few of these responses and they are all very helpful. It seems you are in a tough situation.

The one thing that I would suggest about the sister's family visiting, if they live far and stay the night... one word. Hotel. During the day they can take your parents out to dinner. OR something to get them out of your house.

Probably the best thing to do is just PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. It is, afterall, your home. Your mental well being is compromised because you are letting everyone run over you. There is nothing at all wrong with mom and dad living with you, but now they must go by YOUR rules. okay? Your rules...

I can't think of anything harder than having parents move into your home, and I commend you for taking on that huge endeavor out of kindness in their time of need. The more you can do to make this easier on yourself the better, but there is no completely easy way to solve all the issues.

I think you're saying THEY do the kids chores for them? But not thoroughly? You should definitely make sure your kids know THEY have to do their chores, and just let your parents know it's important to you that they do them for their own sense of responsibility, but you (or your kids if that's who they want to help) could use help with "x". If they would be unreasonable or offended, you may have to just live with that and have the kids slyly help you re-clean after them.

As for your sisters coming and spreading out-be honest about how it feels. This also may be unavoidable since you're the new home base with grandparents. But if there is anything realistic you can think of to ask of them-ASK IT! People don't always realize what they're doing. This is going to be the case with hundreds of things, you're going to have to get balls of steel and start directing people firmly since the arrangement isn't temporary, you need your sanity.

The college thing is hardest for you, not the kids. You have to let it go and tell the kids to as well. If you didn't save for college, you didn't. Very few people can. I spent 10 years paying off loans for the one year of college I had before I dropped out due to cost. I got jobs, climbed the corporate ladder, had my own business, surpassed peers success wise by my late 20s etc. Everyone in our family pays back their own loans, gets scholarships, goes to work instead of college, etc. Not having free college is not going to hold your kids back from being successful. If there is a very specific career they are passionate about and excel at that needs a specific education, they will manage the financial aid and loans. Don't ever mention how they should have had the money form grandpa-this is a very toxic thought for the household to be living with. I'm sure your dad feels awful, and you are right to be gracious about it like you are. You say your two are having difficulty adjusting to this? Be sure they understand the money was never theirs, and that they will be fine.
Focus on one day at a time and how to make it the happiest by holding up your boundaries when you need to and being firm with people. Good luck, you are doing an incredible thing!