Grandma Plays Favorites

My mom does the same thing with my oldest child. He is the first born Grandson as my brother never had any children of his own and she has always favored him through the years. It is extremely frustrating as I have two younger children also. It has mainly affected my middle child who is also a boy and I certainly know the look you are talking about.

Several things I do agree that if your husband didn't get through to her you should try. If that doesn't work then you have to take a stand. I don't know about your Mom but mine is "old school" and doing something as "taboo" as talking about personal family issues as a family may shke her up. I broached the subject at the dinner table when we were finishing up and everyone was hanging out. Just talked about it openly with the kids and my husband and my Mom. She was shocked, but was also in the posiition where she had to hear the kids opinion of it in a respectful and healthy way.

It is a bit better but still there some. At least my kids got to express their feelings and they aren't so bothered by her much now. They all get love and support and that is the most important thing you and your husband can do for them. Also, that age old saying "you can't teach an old..." but you can teach them to just love her for who she is. And that can be HARD!!! Good luck.

You know, I was trying to figure out why someone might be partial to a 5-year old and the only thing I can think is that a 12-year old isn't as cuddly, and a 3-year old isn't yet outwardly focused enough to give your mother-in-law attention. Or maybe your 5-year old reminds her of your husband at that age.

Either way, you and/or your husband needs to very gently sit her down and tell her in the kindest way that your other two children feel that the 5-year old is her favorite, and that you're pretty sure she's not meaning to hurt their feelings, but their feelings are getting hurt. Tell her what you told us. Maybe suggest that she take at least the two boys out one-on-one (Gramma Day!) once a month. That way she can focus on each of them in a way that doesn't divide her attention.

I hope she is understanding and does what you are asking of her. Good luck.

The ol' saying of Grandma's knows best is not the case here. She obviously is missing the clue's that you both are sending and now clues even from the children.
As she is talking, be sure to add yes we are so proud, and then change to what your other children have done and some points. She is so wrapped up in the 5 year old that she is missing how hurtful this is to the others.
You may have to address this straight forward, "Mom I'm sure you don't mean to single one out...but...Thanks for being so thoughtful....but...IF you can't bring something for all of them (exception on birthday's) please don't bare gifts. Taking a stand together is important to nip this so your other children see your support.
Good Luck

Hi K.,

Well here is what I'm gonna say....your son (12 yr old) is at the point where he has a mind of his own and maybe you and his dad should encouarge him to speak his mind when he grandmother is like this. Let him know that there is no reason to be rude or mean about it but if his grandmother asks him again what is wrong let him know he is able to be open and honest with her about how he feels.

And maybe since you have talked to her this will open her eyes to what is going on.

I know what you are going through. You MUST talk to her, and be HONEST! You can't beat around the bush. And it may take doing it time after time. Nothing hurts worse than seeing your children get hurt by a Grandma. Let us all know how it goes! I'll be praying for your family!

I have the same problem with my mother. She favors my nephew 8yrs. old now he is the first grandchild. She also favors my niece not as much as my nephew she always buys them toys all the time but when it comes down to my 4yr. old son she acts like he's not her grandson or like she don't care to much for him and he is one of the best well behaved 4yr old I have ever seen. But my niece and nephew are rude, and say really bad things, they are brats. Anyway my point is I don't really know why grandparents are like this. I don't take my son around them to often because I know when he gets older he will have his feelings hurt I know mine are hurt.

I do not think that having your children say something is the right way to go. He notices, yes, but this is a battle that you and your husband (united, together) should fight. The only way to get this type of behavior to stop, is to address it staight on. It can be so uncomfortable to have to do this, but if not her very unacceptable behavior will not stop. I hope that things work out the best for you guys. I can't imagine being put in that predicament.

Call me a cad - but I would definitely not let her in the door unless she's bearing gifts for ALL the kids and not just one. If you go to her house and she does this, I would gently remind her of you and your husband's rules - that the children be treated equally. I would also sit down with the 2 "left out" children and let them know that although gramma is making a poor choice in her shopping habits that she still loves them very much and they are all special to her. You said your husband has talked to her - have you BOTH talked to her at the same time? I know you said you have a wonderful hubby & so do I. Part of mine's "wonderfulness" is he's so respectful towards women and a very loving man that I know he wouldn't talk to his mother in a way that would potentially hurt her feelings, hence he might not get the point across as strongly as it seems to be made in your case for fear of seeming disrespectful or hurting his mother's feelings. I'm not saying you have to hurt them, but perhaps she's not "getting" what he's trying to say. Perhaps you could BOTH sit her down and talk to her at the same time and explain to her the pain you have seen in your older son's eyes. And if necessary to get the point across, ask her if that's her intentions. I'm sure it's not but some people need a little ruder awakening than others to see the consequences of their actions. My heart goes out to your son and to you. There is nothing worse than watching our children hurt. I hope I have helped. You have gotten some great advice. There's a lot of us moms out there that have an opinion and I think it's all one in the same - reassure your children how awesome they are and teach gramma the rules of your house. I don't think any child should be made to feel "less special" than the next. Siblings have enough rivalry without a family member creating more. Best of luck to you. I will remember you in my prayers.

Do what i did, hand the gift back to her and tell her that unless she has two others this won't be neccasary. It is mean but the truth, it hurts a child when that goes on. And trust me i know what you are going through. My mother in law did it with my youngest daughter, and not the other two. My older two are from a previous marriage, and youngest from my and my now husband.

Dealing with a mother in law is never easy, you can't change how someone is. We had 3 girls, my brother in law had 6 step sons, 1 son and 1 daughter. My mother in law always spoiled all of the boys with gifts and her time, my niece she never had any use for until she was old enough to clean her house for her. My children are all grown now, and none will vist their grandmother, unless my husband and I insist. Its the price she pays for her attitude. My nephew is the only one of her grandchildren who will visit her and only for 5 min. at or aroune christmas. Maybe you should have your husband &/or father in law have a talk with her. I feel if my husband would have agreed to this and stuck by his guns things would never have gotten as painful for all of us. you can't change her though, if she insist on doing this the best you can do is refuse to allow her to spend anything on anyone unless she does it for all of your children. Good luck!!!

I would be upfront and straight with her,let her know if she cant be cant bring gifts for all the kids dont bring gifts for either of them. Its not fair for one to get a gift because she is favoring that child that day for whatever reason. I would let her know she wont be allowed to be around them if she cant treat them equal. Let her know that she is hurting the others feelings when she does what she does, by showing favorites to one. I agree with the other post let your older son tell her how she feels but in a nice way and to still respect her, she is his grandmother and also an adult, but he is old enough to understand and he is allowed to voice his opinion and let her know how she makes him feel.

i would sit down you and your husband and talk to her about it and this may sound harsh but take my word for it it takes harsh for these people. anyway sit down with her and tell her that if she cant treat all the children the same then she wont be aloud to see the children and you stick to your guns. it wont take long for her to relize you both are very serious. and when and you know she will slip up but when she does you just say im sorry but the kids are to busy to deal with your shannagins. and do it again she will thank you later for it. or not but your kids will. good luck.

You and your husband should talk to her and tell her that you appericate all that she does but that unless she can treat all the grandchildren the same that the only gifts that will be accepted by one child alone will have to be limited to that childs birthday alone. Also tell her that the way that she is doing thing now in hurting the other children and maybe then she will understand that this is not fair. Good luck to you as this is a bad situtaion for all concerned.

I agree with Cari S. Do it in a nice calm way, but be firm. These are your kids and you and your husband have to protect them from all different types of harm. Even if the one harming them is their grandmother. Let her know that you love her, but this behavior is unacceptable. Stick to your guns. If you don't, nothing will change.

I have the same problem. Are your children step children or all by the same father because that plays a big factor? My youngest daughter gets the blame when both girls are playing and something knocks over or she will get no presents at all. It is very aggrivating but I have made the choice that I do not want my daughter around a person like that. She can come and see her all she wants but never does but when it comes to my 9 year old step daughter from my husbands previous marriage she will go out of her way to pick her up at the ex's home. She refers me as "Jasons wife" and the ex as "my daughter in law". Just stay strong K. and think about your kids and what effect it may have on them in the future.

Call me heartless, but I would stop going over there for a while. When she calls and asks' why, simply tell her that you are tired of watching your kids faces sink when they are made to feel like they aren't as special as the 5 year old.
Either she will come to her senses and realize how seriouse you are or she really doesn't care about her grandchildren much. Either way you get an answer.

Take it from one who knows. I have lost kids i love over this. No one is she in menopause. I gave the child away at 16, long story short endless years i found him at 30, we have been together 5 years. I am grandma young 51 ,lol I put all that love that i gave up in my son to my nieces and nephews. My first niece i adored and love, then each on to come I loved so. My niece the first one got killed in a accident at 23, nealy 7 years ago. My family is torn apart. Mom will never speak to me. She thought to many people gave me attention at the funeral. I felt as if i lost my baby too! My sisters had let me do everything for them , and then there would be stand off and they would take them in and out of our lives. I took alot so they would not get hurt. I about lost my mind over my niece. I lost my mom early, but this will forever change my life. Sit down , Talk to them . there has to be boundraries. Let her know what you except and what you are willing to give in return. Gosh these kids need all the extened family they can. Does she feel you treat son better. Sometimes we that love these children so much, give attention to the ones we feel are left out. We are of base alot of times. Then agin we have it down sometime.Please don't talk about her in front of kids, and tell her you want the same. That she should never mention anything about you or hubby to kids. These kids usually love these people. I would say the osy important thin is, I tried to give love to all, but if i felt like a child was in distress, and yes it could have been just me. That is the one you tend to give attention to then. You really dont know you are doing it. Then the next time it may be the daughter she gives all attention too! I think we get it in our heads we love these kids , and we give gives, love support. We feel we have rights,but no one sets boundraries. If I could do it all again i woud sit down and make rules, and agree to never break unless all discussed. Do what is right for children. Do tell her now though. She may not be aware of how she is doing. We get excited over the kids we love.Ask her does she think you are not giving him enough attention. If she is to be apart of these kids life's sit down talk. Let her know it hurts your feelings, you might find she is hurt too! Bottom line , fix it for the kids. What i woud give for one day with my preciuos niece, and my sister woud give to have with daughter. yet we don't speak. This would hurt my niece so muchm she was such a good christain , thinking and loving others. You know after she died I thought and grieved overthis. Did I treat her different when the new babies cam eand more the. Trust they do love them, and if you be as honest and kind appreciate them ,But set boundraries and let them know they are needed and loved. The kids are first! i HAVE MADE MANY MISTAKES, SO DID MY SISTERS.Don't let the kids lose here. Be aduts, be christ like we can't go wrong there. I hope this helps any! Cherish your kids and let them cherish the grandparents. Also teach chikdren to say if feelings are hurt. I know you don;t want to bring up, but if they are old enough , explain tothem. Each child has there turn, if the love is there. I took one nephew in and raised him in high school, I was harder on him. yet the sister wanted to live there instead of him.God love them all . God bless my niece Holly in her memory, i love and would do things better and better. She would not want me o beat myself up, she was my cheerleader, God rest her sweet soul. I am about to cry getting off. Don;t get where i am, tell grandma this story,J.