Going Crazy!

Yikes! I was tired just reading what he puts you through. I have a few thoughts. It doesn't sound like he's sleeping enough (naps and at night) and he may be acting out b/c he's over tired. My younger is 14 months and still takes 2 naps and when he missed one, he's a real pill. You might feel he "won't nap" but I suggest "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" as a book to read. At the very least, you should be putting helping him wind down before a nap (1pm?) and put him in his crib for one hour, even if he cries for that hour. And try putting him to bed earlier - I think at this age he should be getting about 14 hours (my son sleep from 7 to 6:30, for instance). And while it may not be a medical issue, his pediatrician might have some ideas. And I agree with the babyproofing suggestion. If you don't have to police him all the time and say no to everything, he'll probably enjoy the more positive aspects of playing. HTH!

Have you tried ECFE? How about a play group in your area?
My biggest advice is to be consistent in your time-outs. Some of his behaviors are dangerous so he needs to know there are consequences or doing those things.
Parenting is really hard, especially with a little guy who is really into everything. My kids are older, so I'm sure some of these moms will have resource ideas for you.
Be easy on yourself and remember you are doing the best you can!

I completely understand how busy your boy is behaving. My son is now three (and my 4th). I have often thought if he would have come first he would have been an only child. I think you need to find a way to channel his energy in a way in which you can both can handle it. We would often go for walks (no stoller), I don't think think that the backpack for him that allows you to keep hold of him through a "leash" is a bad idea either. My son is told he has to hold my hand and if he doesn't we will go home. He loves his walks so this works.

Also, I think you should enlist in a teen to comeover for an hour or two during the day when you are home to give you some help. If you find a pre-teen or a young teen, you certainly wouldn't need to pay them much especially since you are there. You would also be training them to babysit with your rules for when they and your son are older. This type of play would also help to wear him out. If you could even do this one day a week, I think it would help with your own mental health.

If you want to talk more, please email me.

I wish you the best.

G.

Oh my dear, of course you are going crazy. You have a spirited 18 month old and you are a single parent. You deserve a medal! It is NOT easy and you are not crazy. I have a spirited 16 month old myself and I recognize so many of your son's behaviors. They are very normal and not any indication of future problems.

I love the advice you got from Kris - babyproof, babyproof, babyproof so you don't have to say no so often and also don't have to be so frustrated. My daughter is just as fast as your son and has to be constantly (CONSTANTLY) watched. Its just who she is right now. Tell him what you want him to do, not what you don't want him to do ("put that in your mouth," not "don't throw that on the floor" for example).

My daughter also likes to follow directions ("go find a book" "put the baby in the stroller", etc) When she is getting into stuff she shouldn't be and I need to do something else (unload the dishwasher, dry my hair) I just keep giving her directions and her praising her when she does them.

Lower your expectations. Most frustration comes from unmet expectations. Only use time outs for very serious issues (true safety issues and violent behavior). Burn off as much energy with him as possible (big fields/parks are great) in the morning so he'll be tired and ready for a decent nap. That will give you some time to rest/decompress.

Definitely, definitely check out ECFE or the Parenting Oasis (google it). You need to get to some playgroups both for your son and for you. See if you could join the YMCA or YWCA (they have lower membership rates if you are low income). They have childcare you can use while you're there. Go to Ikea and leave your son in their childcare while you wander the store.

Good luck and good for you for reaching out. Parenting is hard and single parenting is crazy hard!

B.

This may be a little off the wall, but if the other great advice you have gotten doesn't work, it might be worth checking out. My cousin's son was a lot like how you describe your boy - really over the top on energy and pushing the boundaries and buttons. She discovered at some point that he had a milk allergy and when she took milk products out of his diet, he rather miraculously calmed down. Maybe it was coincidence... but allergies can do funny things. The other thought I had, in the same vein, is whether any medications he is taking could be jazzing him up? Check the possible side effects for anything he is taking regularly. Just a thought.

Sounds like your son rules the roost.

I think you need to start and teach your son boundaries and show him who's the adult. You gotta put your put down and be firm. I'm already working on this with my 10mo.old she can't even walk yet and I'm starting the process of what is ok and not ok in the house to touch, get into etc. I've scolded my baby already and she already knows mommy's mean no no voice.

When your son does something naughty you need to get down to his level so get on your knees look him in the eyes and say NO we donot do that very firmly. You have to be consistant and do it every time.

You can't let him run wild and do what he wants. 30 second time out is probaly pointless I'd try atleast 1 minute. You can always put him in his crib for a timeout too.

You have to find that harsh authorative voice inside of you and show your son who's the boss. You can't argue with children or let them run wild. Nip it now.

Oh, you need a break!

I think that Mary Sheedy Kurcinka will probably have a lot of advice that will help you - definitely check out "Raising Your Spirited Child" but also look into "Sleepless in America." I think that if you can focus on getting your son some more sleep you might see some improvement in his other behaviors - he sounds tired! You might have to focus solely on that for a while but hopefully once you get the routine going then other things will go more smoothly. (and I know it's easier said than done, but you can do it.)

Please look into ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education) or something similar if it's offered in your community. It's a great way to find support from other parents and from early childhood development professionals who can help you through tough times and let you know what is "just a phase" and what might need more intervention. I don't know how I would have gotten through toddler/pre-school years without it.

One last suggestion (and maybe you do this already) is to redirect him rather than just telling him no, such as with the blinds. With anything he does he's going to go back to it because he's learning how the world works and he's persistent - he wants to really understand both how the blinds work, and how mommy works when she's tested. He's a little scientist asking, "hmm. what happens if mommy's face is red and then I touch these blinds one more time?" Try, instead if pulling him away or telling him no, to say "those aren't to play with" and then walking with him to something that he is allowed to play with. Or take a walk around the yard. Show him what he -is- allowed to do so that he can become engaged in something else.

Hang in there. It -will- get better, even if that seems impossible right now.

Ok, I agree with the previous posts - bump up the discipline and the time outs, pull out the more authoritative voice. But also, it sounds like he likes to get a reaction from you - with the bubbles, ignore him trying to drink it, let him get a taste of it, it won't harm him and he probably won't like it and won't try it again if he gets no reaction from you. I don't think ECFE runs during the summer, but get signed up for a parent/child class this fall - I know in St Paul they don't make you pay if you can't afford it. they will help you immensely with his behavior and how to handle it. But work on how you react to him, don't let him get a rise out of you for naughty behavior - if he needs a time out, give him the silent treatment, as much as you can, ignore the bad behavior - but heap on the rewards for good behavior! make a game of tossing the toys into the toy box - we sing a "clean up" song while we do it, but heap on the love and affection when he behaves and helps out. As far as cleaning - give him his own tools to help you do it. Also - I HIGHLY recommend investing some money in child proofing - cupboard latches/locks & a toilet lock. then when you need a shower, the cabinets & drawers are child proofed, he can't get in the toilet and take off the toilet paper roll - shut him in with you and some appropriate toys - nothing he can stand on! And if you desperately need a break, put him in his crib (as long as he can't climb out) and walk away for 2 minutes and calm down/catch your breath. Strap him in the stroller and go for a walk but not to a park! - if you do go to a park - the moment he misbehaves, you take him home and give him the silent treatment on the way home!
Also - your dad needs to bump up the tough love too - but maybe have him watch your son at your house, after you do some child-proofing! Maybe your dad can watch him while you install the child locks, or vice versa - you are missing out on the double team aspect of parenting, but I feel some of your pain because my hubby and I work opposite schedules so that we can avoid daycare.
Do you have friends with kids? Playdates would help him learn better "play" behavior, but at this age the grabbing the toys away is quite common - just snatch it back and tell him "no, SHARE" if he continues, put the toy in "timeout" until he will share it.
Good Luck and if you need to vent feel free to contact me!

You poor thing. He sounds like my nephew. I agree with the other posters, ECFE, Childproofing, and try to find a break for yourself. I also wanted you to know that it does get easier. My nephew is now 3, and it is easier. He is still a very very very busy boy, but at least he can talk now, which helps.

Good luck to you!
J.

Glad you could vent with us :) We all need that once in a while. Sounds like you are doing a lot of things really well. The thing that jumped out at me was it sounds like there are a lot of things that could be better childproofed. There are wonderful toilet lid locks (One Step Ahead), the shower curtain should be hung up out of reach, all the kitchen cabinets and drawers should have locks except for one where you can keep plastic tubs or pots that you don't mind him playing with. Blind cords should be fastened to a tie off point high up or use the cord keepers from One Step Ahead. Eliminate as many "no-no's" from the day as you can so that you can help him focus on a few basic safety rules (like not running away in traffic situations) rather than constantly having to discipline him. Shower at night when he is asleep, put toilet paper up out of reach.

Some kids need more childproofing than others. I remember my SIL being so surprised when she had to childproof for her 3rd kid, the first 2 never touched anything they shouldn't but the 3rd was quite spirited. Limit the time-outs to a few critical rules, they don't make a lot of sense to most 18 month olds. If he isn't verbal much yet, teach sign language especially regarding things like meal time so he can ask for milk instead of screaming. Give lots of hugs even when it seems crazy, it will make you both feel better.

Continue to get him outside as much as possible, put on your running shoes and find a huge field. If you have any parks with ice rink walls still up, they work great because there is only one opening. Focus on getting more sleep for you.

Only keep out a couple bins of toys, put all the rest somewhere safe and rotate every week. Let him dump them as it is developmentally important at this age but then get his help putting them back in so he can dump the same bin again.

Hugs, good luck, and hang in there.

Signed, mom of a spirited child with sensory processing disorder :)

K. - I am so sorry that you have a non-existent support group of family and friends to help you! Being within your son day in and day out is not helping either of you. I see you've got 2 issues here: no support and a highly spirited child. With the first one, it's a shame that your family and friends are not stepping in to help you. May I ask where the father is, if he's in the picture, can you ask him for help or his family? Also, check out your local ECFE schedule, a lot of them have drop in play times for a few bucks, get him around other kids.

For his spiritedness, check out Children with Boundaries and Raising the Spirited Child. The authors' escape me right now, but the first one has worked wonders in my house. As for the housework, let it slip a little bit. He's not going to remember or base his love on how clean it is. He's at the age where he can start helping clean up his toys. If he doesn't want to, or throws them, take them away. Pretty soon he will have no toys. Also, he is at the age where you can start disciplining, more than just 30 second TO's, bump him to 1 minute. At that age, when my son was going for something (blinds) the first time I would say "no, don't touch" and move him away. If he went at them again, I would repeat myself, take his hand and a give a little slap, palm to palm and strike my hand more than his to make the sound. (Others, dont' judge for how I discipline my children). I would do this a few more times, until he tired of the 'game' of trying to get the blind. If he's taking toys out of your hand, take toys out of his hand so he 'sees' how it feels. There are so many things, you need to be stronger than he, I know it's a lor harder to actually do, but it will pay off. But you need to nip his behavior in the rear end. Good luck! and if you need someone to just vent to or be an email 'pen pal', I'm more than happy to be of help. :)

You both need some breaks from each other. Kids will "act up" when they are bored or frustrated, also. Kids need room to run and play and new experiences and new people.

I would check into the ECFE classes and play sessions, I've heard wonderful things about them. They could give both of you a break, and you the chance to talk with other parents of kids this age. I also agree with the suggestion to find a young teen to help out. Grandpa very likely does not have the kind of energy it takes to be with your son, but a young person might.