My daughter has a friend that she has known for quite some time. Since they started middle school, they don't have as much in common anymore, but they see each other a little at school and at horse events (once a month). They are not unfriendly (according to my daughter), but she doesn't really know what to say when I ask if they are friends. Theyjust don't hang out much. There are several girls that have a similar situation with my daughter (who is 13). She seems to be struggling in the past 2 years as far as friends go.
So the other girl's bat mitzvah is coming up. My daughter is ambivalent about going. I would like to go because I am still friends with the other girl's mother and I like the girl (I am okay with them growing apart - just a fact of life, I think). I tried to explain a little about what the bat mitzvah means, but I am not Jewish, so I am limited in my explanation.
I am giving her the choice to go to the ceremony (I will go and would like her to go, but dont' want to insist), and she has water polo and will not be able to attend the brunch afterwards, but there is a party later also. Am I on the right track here? If she doesn't go, should I?
And what is appropriate for the occasion (gifts)?
Thanks, everyone! I gave it a day and asked her if she had decided if she wanted to go. She will go to the ceremony, then water polo, and go to the party that night. Of course the party that night is going to be pretty cool. They are having a circus, literally, in a local indoor bounce house. The friend has gone to circus camp nearly every summer of her life and will be doing an aerial performance. My daughter is interested in the ceremony, and I will go to the brunch after I drop her off so that I can help the mom by making sure everything is going okay. It all worked out!
I would go and let her go.
Here is some info about bat mitzvahs:
http://www.aish.com/jl/l/48956006.html
here are gift ideas that can help you:
http://www.giftingresources.com/gifts/barBatMitzvah.aspx
I echo what others have said- that growing apart is normal. I read an interesting blurb (maybe even through this website) about the myth of the bff, and how very few people actually keep a best friend FOREVER, and that more girls than boys feel a lack. Anyway, that's more a sidebar to your concern. If there is no particular animosity between the girls, I would continue to encourage (but not force) your daughter to go. Defining friendship purely by what they have in common is a little limiting at this age- they may continue to grow apart, but then they may come back together again in high school, who knows for sure. In your position, I would go even if my daughter was not going. It is an important milestone for your friend as well as for her child, and I am sure she would appreciate sharing that milestone with you.
I remember being in middle school and growing apart from my girl friend. We did everything together since kindergarten but when we got to middle school, she started liking boys and teasing me because I was a late bloomer and really didn't get the whole boy/girl dynamic. She was also jealous because the teachers liked me better. Once she started physically pushing me and when the teacher got involved, she said it was both our fault because it takes two to fight and made us shake hands and make up in front of the class. So we grew apart.
I also remember not wanting to discuss being teased with my parents because it didn't bother me that much. But some kids do get bothered so watch out for that. I didn't want to do anything and just wanted to stay home and read. But I wasn't being anti-social. I just wanted to get good grades and work on a good portfolio for college.
First of all, I would talk to your daughter tactfully and make sure your daughter is not being bullied or teased.
Some moms would disagree but I wouldn't go to a girl's bat mitzvah if my daughter is not going, even if she says she doesn't care if I go. If it was a party for the mom, I would go because I'm the mom's friend. But this is a party for the girl. Also, don't make her feel guilty if she doesn't want to. If they are not close friends anymore, there is probably a reason she doesn't want to associate with the girl anymore. Even if it is just the matter of not having much in common. Maybe she just wants to concentrate on her academics and other activities.
There is a lot going on in the minds of middle school girls these days. Keep the lines of communication open and respect her wishes.
The growing apart is VERY normal in middle school. They begin participating in more sports, music and other stuff, so their personalities and interest can be very different.
I am still really great friends with many of our daughters childhood friends moms, but our girls are not close anymore..
If she wants to go fine, if not you just go.
Bat Mitzvah's are really interesting, if your daughter has never attended she will probably find it pretty cool. It is a good thing to know about because once she goes to High school and college, she will meet a lot of girls that had these ceremonies and she will be in the "know".
Our daughter was invited to 3 of them in middle school she attended 2 of the ceremonies and all of the parties, but none of the brunches. She always seemed to have a good time..
Cash is what is traditionally given.. Usually $50. but $25. should be fine.
They have grown apart. Let your daughter go to her water polo practice. Her friends are there...
Sometimes when kids grow apart it's a very good thing. My daughter had friends in elementary school that went completely boy crazy and hormonal when they hit middle school. She had very little to do with them. Now that she's in high school, her group of friends has become smaller. Those friends she has are very nice girls who have the same interests.
So - if you want to go to the ceremony - you go. Leave her to do what she wants. That said, if you don't push, she just might decide to go with you.
LBC
I'm Jewish. Most people give money for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Both ceremonies are about becoming an adult. The child has learned to read and write Hebrew and will read a passage from the Torah (the first five books of the Old Testament) and will translate whatever meaning they derive from it.
Families invite anyone who has been a part of the child's journey to adulthood. (not that we really think of them as adults but they are now aware of and responsible for following God's laws on their own accord).
When my son is Bar Mitzvahed, we will invite all of his teachers, past and current best friends and anyone else we feel has contributed to his growth or has loved him.
I think you should both go. The brunch afterward is the least important but I can guarantee that the mother will need help getting the food out, talking to the multitudes of friends and family members, cleaning up etc.
Just my two cents.
I'm sure I'm completely out of line here... I didn't know girls had bat mitzvahs!
Either way, you should follow whatever your heart tells you, perhaps you can rebuild some fractured bridges.
As for gifts? I have no clue... How about a shiny new Porsche? ;-)
My daughter is just 10, but I can see the pulling away from her young childhood friends starting. These are tough years, friendship wise for girls. Just tonight, my DD had a huge fight with the 2 neighbor girls, and I think she is quite lost, not really liking a lot of what these girls are into, but still not having yet found her next close friends, and not wanting to be lonely in the meantime. A new middle school next year will help. Anyway, I don't think I would go to the bat mitzvah. I think it would be a little awkward for you to be there if your daughter is not, just my opinion. If your daughter is ambivalent, she shouldn't be forced. You could suggest she make an appearance at the party and bring a card. That would be a nice gesture, even if they aren't the best of friends any longer, she was invited, and it's just a nice thing to do for and old friend, correct? But. . . I wouldn't force it or lay on a big guilt trip. If she doesn't go, I would just send a nice card and some money from your family.
Since she has another commitment for the ceremony and brunch, I would let that go, but I do think that you should go if you want to. Also, as far as the party later, I think that I would insist that she go even if it's just for a very short time. Although she and the girl no longer "hang out," they are still friends and it will be nice for her friend to see her there. Who knows, maybe they will reconnect. In any case, I think that your daughter is old enough to learn that sometimes we go places and participate in things we're not totally juiced about just because it is the polite thing to do. As far as gifts, no idea!
