Girlfriend Dating Man with New Baby.

Wow.
Hard to get "threw" this whole...long...confusing post.
All I can say is how sad that a baby is now a pawn in a tangled web of sketchy relationships.
Good luck!

I'm a stepmother so I understand a lot about what it means to be in a child's life but not be the mom.

It sounds like there's a lot of inexperience on all sides. I have to say that I think you were wrong to be with your boyfriend when he met his son for the first time. That wasn't your place. So of course the mother has resentment. I don't know if it's jealousy of your relationship, or frustration that she's raising a baby on her own and trying to navigate her relationship with your boyfriend as the baby's father. She's a new mom, she's exhausted, she has (or had at the time) raging hormones, and she may be struggling financially too. So adding YOUR presence to that was pretty presumptuous of you. Maybe she's afraid that he will try to get custody of the baby - that is just the worst fear for a single mom. She may think that your involvement makes your home look stable or "desirable" to a court. You absolutely MUST take that off her list of worries by downplaying your role. This will serve you well in the future - trust me. She may also be afraid that you are so "maternal" that you're going to have your own child - thereby giving your boyfriend another life to deal with and less time/finances for her to raise the child that's already here.

Now, you say your boyfriend would have no idea what to do with a baby if you weren't there? Why not? Did he know this woman was expecting a baby before the birth? Did he take any parenting classes? Did he do anything during the pregnancy to learn what was happening to this woman physically and emotionally (maybe she didn't tell him she was pregnant so I don't know what he knew or when he knew it). But certainly from the moment he found out there was a baby, he had an absolute obligation to learn some basics (feeding, bathing, dressing, changing, and basic safety/first aid). If he did NOT do this, then sign him up right now. You might benefit from a brush-up too - I don't know what experience you have with infants or whether you did a lot of babysitting for friends or relatives with infants. Maybe you did. But certainly infant CPR would be a very good thing for you to take. My husband had 2 kids when we got married, but when we had our baby, we not only did all the childbirth classes (which included some basic baby care), we got some instructions from the hospital nurses when he was born (that's how I learned how to bathe and change), and we also took infant/child CPR and first aid. I highly recommend it. It's nothing that we women magically know intuitively, you know?

So what I'm saying is that your boyfriend must be a totally competent parent all by himself, without you. If you live together, then you live together. But when it's time to pick up the baby for visitation (or shared custody, whatever he has), then HE goes, not you. There's no need to put yourself in this other woman's face all the time. They must learn to co-parent 100% on their own, and learn to deal with each other effectively and respectfully, even if they can't manage being super cordial. Is the mom going to know that you are in the house? Sure. Can you and he go out together with the baby during his time with his son? Of course. But the "hand off" and any communication about how he slept, how he ate, what medicines he took in the event of illness, that all has to be between the two of them. If you are in the car because it's unavoidable, okay. But you don't go to the door or strap the baby into the car seat. Your boyfriend does that.

Your boyfriend must also pay child support, even if the baby is with you now and then. If there is no legal agreement, then he needs to get into a pattern of regular support checks that he works out with her, with a mediator or with the court. It cannot just be that he gives her some cash or buys some diapers or formula.

You have, as you noted, no legal involvement. If you and he get married, then yes, you will officially be the stepmother. I think it's unnecessary at this point to worry about what you are called. I wouldn't use the term "mom at Dad's" at all. That's just playing with fire right now with the mom, and it's going to be cumbersome for the baby when he's old enough to talk. For the foreseeable future, your names are "Daddy and C.". Really. Don't push this.

Yes, you can play with the baby and snuggle him. But the work must be done almost entirely by your boyfriend, at least in the beginning. He must be entirely responsible and entirely competent. He should get up with the baby, do the "maintenance", etc. If someone has to run out for groceries, formula or diapers, that can be you. But HE has to be a 100% father. That's for his benefit and his son's. In the long run it will help a lot with the mother too - at least she will know that he is totally invested and a fully functioning father. Who knows, maybe she thinks he's with you just because he needs the help! Take that factor out of the argument entirely by being on the sidelines.

No, you cannot take the mother's place, and it's great that you recognize that. That means that you cannot let your maternal instincts get in the way now. This cannot be, in any way, your fantasy baby. Believe me, I understand how much you want to be involved and how much you love the baby. That's great. But I would eliminate from your vocabulary any phrases like "I love him as if he were my own" - if you think them or say them in your own home, you may accidentally say them in public or in front of the mom. You just can't do that. It will blow up in your face every time. Every stepparent says stuff like that, and it just comes across to the biological parent as being sort of arrogant, like you're "giving" the mom an importance because you're so charitable, rather than her being entitled to it no matter what you think. I know what you mean, but you can't even think those phrases!

It's great that you are very nice to the mom and that you do everything she asks. But until the relationship improves (right now, on HER timetable), she should be asking your boyfriend for everything and communicating entirely with him, and he with her. Don't put yourself in front of her as the babysitter or the stepmother or anything else. It's HIS job to be an equal partner and parent with her, regardless of your involvement.

Finally, if this is tough to navigate, get family counseling. Start with you and your boyfriend so you can figure out your roles. Perhaps he can go with his ex to learn to co-parent. Let them figure that out.

If, as you plan, you and he have 18 years with this child in your life (and, by extension, the baby's mother and anyone who may come into her life as a partner or husband), you have a lot of time ahead of you to deal with these jealousies and conflicts. The time is NOW to get this right. You will be so much happier in the long run if you establish boundaries, foster a good relationship between the baby's mother and father, and learn a good and appropriate role for yourself.

I don't know what the legalities would be - but I get where the mom might be concerned handing over her 4 month old baby to a man she essentially had an affair with, and his girlfriend (she doesn't really know you).

I think for starters worrying about what kind of role you will have down the road is a bit premature. This is all about caring for a baby at this point - an infant. I wouldn't be too concerned what the child will call you etc.

First of all, I think your boyfriend needs to develop a relationship of some sort with the mother - and have that stability for the child going forward. They need to develop trust and boundaries and that sort of thing.

As for you helping your boyfriend out .. how adept is he at taking care of an infant? I can see your natural desire to hold the baby and help care for it. I think a lot of this has to do with what the mom wants at this point - she's obviously the primary care giver and I would go by her wishes more than anything at this point.

Again, I don't know what the legalities of this are (haven't been in this position myself) - but I would stress being respectful of the mom here. I just think if it was me in her position, handing my infant over to people I don't know very well would be difficult.

So though you're still his GF, you plan to marry and will be the child's SM. Basically, it's hard for her and she's taking it out on you. So where do you and BF differ? No, it's not wrong that he'll grow up with you around and you have to realize it is not YOU as a person but YOU as a place. Get it? If you and BF never got back together, she would hate whoever he did get with and marry.

Your BF needs to know his legal rights, and get them ON PAPER. Which may mean he (as he should) pays CS, but that paper will give him recourse when she denies visitation, etc. I have a young relative who kept saying that a court order was not necessary...but his xGF yanked him and their child around because there was no court order otherwise. He was at her mercy. So when she says he can't do x and he can't do y - that is why he needs a court order. So she's not the judge and jury. He has every right to spend time with his child in his home. With you. But you also have to let him do being a dad his way. Maybe he won't do things just like you would or the mom would, but as long as the kid is loved, safe, fed...it's fine.

I also think this situation happens most when one party is not "over" the other and hasn't moved on. He has. She hasn't. And maybe she thought that having his baby would make him stay. But it didn't. So she's using the baby as a weapon.

And, please, while you can read all you want there is NO book that will fully prepare you for the trials of stepparenting. Even my relatively "good" situation nearly destroyed my marriage. You and BF have to be rock solid together or his child's mother will get her wish and destroy you. My sks are now young adults and the only way it got better was them getting older and their mom having no more reason to screw with us. You just have to try hard not to take her ire personally. It's not about you. It's about the situation and you being her target scapegoat. You could do everything but as long as you don't just disappear, she won't be happy. So accept that.

Cut the woman some slack. She's a new mom and her newborn is gone from her for long stretches at a time being taken care of by you - a caretaker and possible mother figure that she did not choose.
Most of the time, relationships with kids involved end when the kids are older, not before they are born.
You say you love him as your own, and I can see how that would spark a territorial nerve in any new mom. If I read your post right, you also say that you broke up the home the baby's mother had with your boyfriend. So she is having to deal with her newborn being taken care of by the woman his daddy left her for, and who is staking an emotional claim on HER baby. Tell the truth - that wouldn't get under your skin just a little if you were in her shoes?
Give her time and give her space. Don't try to be a mother figure, and let the baby's daddy figure out on his own how to change a diaper and warm a bottle.

I can tell you are just trying to make the most of a potentially bad situation. Good for you. Always put the baby's best interest ahead of your own and you will be on the right track.

When babies are born each parent's rights are equal in the eyes of the law. It is very important that the rights are written instead of implied. Going through the court system helps keep those rights known and written and clearer.

Hormones are ragging in this new mom. Personally there is no way my 4 month old would be spending tons of time with either of you but that is just the protective momma bear I am. I would need to get to know you before I would trust you with my newborn.

Lastly guard your heart because you are not his wife you are only a girlfriend. Until he has put a ring on it there is no way I'd be playing house and getting my emotions more invested in this uncertain relationship you are wishing more for.

Your actions with this situation lets me know you probably deserve more than this for your life and if you were my daughter or neice I would tell you to let this guy go who has life time commitments that don't involve you and still isn't committed to you because you deserve better. He won't buy the cow as long as he can get the milk for free. Old saying sure but so true.

The first thing you need to ask yourself is if this is the life you want for the next 60 years. Also, if you can trust a man who treats his girlfriends with such little respect by sleeping with them with no commitment. Moving in with someone is not a commitment. It is a convenience for him as he has a live-in caretaker for himself and his baby.

The mother of the boy will resent you for the rest of her life probably. In her eyes, you are the reason that she will not have a traditional family. Do you want to deal with this forever?

As a step-mom, you have no power. The boy is bound to have issues as a teenager because he will see his dad in a free-sex situation, will have to jump from house to house with different rules, will be indulged because one or both parents will feel guilty, and probably will not see you as an authority figure. He will resent you if you bring any children into the family because this child will have the both parents, full-time.

Look ahead and see if this is what you want your next 60 years to look like.

Ok, I am a mom and a step mom and my kids have a step mom so I will try to keep my answer simple. The way I see it is this, you are the "mom" at YOUR house. Which means you take care of the baby just as you would an 8 year old. I'm pretty sure as the "mom" of your house you would cook for the kid, clean up after the kid, play with the kid, take the kid places, etc. So you would do the same thing for the baby. I would not expect your boyfriend to solely take care of a newborn on his own. That just doesn't seem reasonable (not impossible) but if you are there of course you would help. My kids call my husband by his first name because their dad had a FIT and told them they darn well better not call him dad! It completely stressed them out and I told them I didn't care if they wanted to call their step mom "mom" but they don't (they are 12 and 15 now, 4 and 7 when we got together). I am secure in my relationship with them that I just want them to be happy at BOTH houses and that's they way EVERYONE should feel.

That was my response to your question and I will choose to not lecture you on the choice of a mate that you have chosen. We all have made decisions and then have to live with the consequences so I don't see the benefit of pointing that out to you to make you feel bad. Good luck.

Edited to add: I had time to read your whole post. It's very confusing without paragraphs. Seems you're asking to be step-mom. At same time you're asking how involved you should be because someone told you you are too involved.

Let's break this down to the basic legal facts. Your boyfriend is legally baby's father. You live with father. Father has baby sometimes. Baby's mother, at first, asked you to be involved. How confusing that is. Now, she doesn't want you so involved. Is she the one complaining about your amount of involvement or is it your boyfriend or someone else? The answer to that question is important to finding a solution.

Baby's mother and your boyfriend have rights to be with baby. She has right to have anyone she chooses to be there. Same for your boyfriend. Neither one can tell the other what they can and cannot do in there own home. Both can say what they will do if the other disagrees.

I'm guessing there is not a court order giving custody and parental time. If there is, both have to follow that order. If there is not a court order it's time to get one. An order would make this issue more clear. As it is now, it sounds like both of you are being jerked around by baby's mother When she first asks you to be involved and then says he can't have baby if you're there. Perhaps I 've misunderstood this progression.

I think I understand some of what she's feeling and why she's not consistent. I agree you that you should cut her some slack. Being a mom is new for her and she's working out how to navigate this new life. This is new for you too. However, you do not have the same responsibilities of a new life and doing it without the father by her side.

The way to be more clear is to focus on what is happening now. Whether or not she tricked him is not relevant to who has contact with baby under what conditions.

If your boyfriend is the one telling you you're too involved then your issue is with him. if he's saying this, why? You need to work this out with him. If she's saying this, a court order may help. As the legally recognized father, your boyfriend has rights. I suggest he talk with an attorney. He has the right to say who is with his baby. I suggest he not exercise that right now. Everyone needs to go into this slowly as you build trust.

If she's not wanting your involvement now, your boyfriend has to deal with her. If he's trying to molify her by asking you to not be involved, so that he can keep seeing the baby, he is postponing an inevitable blow up.

Bottom line is both parents have the legal right to be involved with their baby. If the two of them can't agree, it's time to get legal help. If boyfriend doesn't want you involved, consider how committed he is to you. How much you've done is not a part of the issue.
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I couldn't read through all of this. Until you are married you are not his baby's step-mom. This baby is the result of his relationship of the mother at a time in which you were not an intimate part of his life.

My son-in-law had a baby with another woman resulting in a baby. He didn't know for a year and half after conception that he was a father. By then, he was committed to my daughter, now his wife. Not only was my daughter not the baby's step mother she only saw her once at a birthday party. My SIL's mother, the baby's paternal grandmother only saw her granddaughter once when she was 5 or so. The baby's mother asked that no one, including him, be involved in the child's life. He stopped visiting eventually even the court had set up a parenting schedule. He decided to stop fighting it. It's sad but better for everyone involved. The situation waS so stressful that he wasn't able to parent the children he had now with his wife.

Consider yourself fortunate that your boyfriend, the baby's father, is able to be a part of baby's life. You're fortunate the baby's mom didn't refuse to allow your boyfriend to see his baby with you with him. She could have said no. Be nice now so that you can be an involved step-mom in the future If your relationship works out. Your relationship is having a very rocky start.

Consider how his ex-girlfriend feels having his baby when he left her to be with you. You will come out ahead if you can be kind and sympathetic now. If not, the 3 of you will spend time fighting and you will eventually lose your boyfriend. Living a life fighting, even when you're right, always ends in an unhappy life for everyone involved, including this baby whose happiness should be the goal.

I sympathize with you. I'm not sure I could take back a boyfriend who left and made a baby with another woman and wanted to come back to me. I would think he was not committed to me in the fist place snice he left me to have a baby wit somens else.. His loyalties would be divided. He will be involved with her and his baby until baby is grown. I consider making babies to be making a serious commitent. If he can hurt her when she's carrying his baby he will most likely hurt you again.

Move out and let the baby have an involved mother and father. The child should be the first priority. If your relationship is going to be lasting (life long), you and the child's father can continue to date as time permits.

The fact that your boyfriend met and impregnated another woman (unprotected sex), shortly after your breakup, does not show that he's very committed, caring or responsible.

I don't know how old you are, but I would suggest you take a big step back and perhaps date some men who are less incumburred and will be able to focus their attention on you. And if you are looking for commitment, marriage and children, you can do it in this order.

So, what level of care are you providing the baby? it would be weird to not do anything but hopefully dad is doing most or at least half of the care. Maybe this is an opportunity to see if you really want to marry this man. If he isn't capable with his kid or expects you to take over, love will only get you so far when you have a couple kids together.
Maybe your boyfriend is an amazing man in other ways, but in this situation he seems to be using you a little. You should consider what you want in a marriage before you get too attached.

If I were you, I would move on.

My son has a child by a girl that is not his wife. She has done nothing but cause harm more than good after their breakup. They never married but since they live in Colorado and it is a state that states if you live together for more than a set amount of time, you are considered married. He had to file for divorce to move on and live his life without her in it.

He did find a nice woman to marry but had the mother of his child in the picture which as and still is difficult.

Your life with the dream husband will not be. He will always have this child and its mom in the marriage. There will be times you want to do something and you can't because of the child or the mom throwing in monkey wrenches to do things "just because" to make life hell. You will not get the things you want from him because of the child being there.

So it would be best to find someone without a child so that you two can be a real couple and not have other influences pulling on you before you are ready to have children.

My daughter dated a man who had a child and his ex was a real piece of work. She finally told him to leave and she moved on.

Are you really ready for not being able to do the things you dream about with someone who loves you for you and you only without someone else being there always? Life is to short too just put all your apples in one basket and hope for the best.

I hope you think this through and consider that there are many more men out there that will love you for you who do not have children or ex wives with children.

the other S.

You live together, and share a life, you are step mom. I would talk with your man about how big of a role he wants you to take, and work with him. I would also get a legal custody agreement in place and get custody figured out soon. If you have the baby most of the time he may not have to pay child support either, talk to a lawyer and get your legal ducks in a row.