It seems like every night is a battle when it comes to getting my 3 & 9 year old to bed. They used to get to bed by 8:30 & typically by themselves. Now it causes tension every night for my husband and me because they constantly need us to tend to them. What's changed is that my 3 year old has been out of a crib for about 2 months and my 9 year old is afraid that someone is going to take her. She cries every night if we don't lay with her in fear that something will happen. Ideas/suggestions to make the evenings less stressful for my husband and me?
I wrote this at bedtime, and didn't edit it so please bare with me. These are two separate issues. The 3 year old has her new freedom with a big-girl bed, so she has trouble winding down after reading together, cuddling, relaxing music, and the night light on. She constantly gets out of bed, turns on the light, takes out toys, and runs out of the room. This goes on for almost two hours.
The 9 year old reads with my husband or me, listens to spa music, and has her nightlight on in her room. We have also agreed to cuddle with her for ten minutes, which has always worked until a few months ago when something scared her. Now she is fearful at night that if one of us doesn't sleep with her that someone may take her in the middle if the night. She said that if we are in the other room we won't be able to hear someone breaking in. I want to help with this fear, but I don't know how.
3 YO here is up once or twice after tuck in, too. There are no toys in his room, though. Just a bed and small table. Been out of crib since 15 months.
I walk him back each time and am really, really kind of a grumpy crab about it. Bedtime means GO TO BED.
But child who is almost 9...we are firm. GO TO BED. We don't do anything special. I brush his teeth, allow reading time (mixed results with that), and lights out. Period.
maybe they shouldn't be expected to get themselves to bed. i don't think it's unreasonable for kids, even 9 year olds but especially a 3 year old, to have bedtime routines that involve reading, listening and snuggling from their parents.
i'm far less concerned about how 'stressful' you and your husband's evenings are than i am about how sad and stressful your kids' bedtimes sound.
khairete
S.
Okay so they are separate issues.
Let me try to tackle each one.
Are they possibly going to bed too early? For example is your 3 yr old
having enough activity throughout the day?
Yes, it takes time for the 3 yr old to adjust to new bed (no crib). They find
they have newfound independence.
What I did when my youngest transitioned was stay in the room for a bit
then slowly scoot out a little each night so that on the 3rd night I was
sitting just outside the door. Didn't have to do it too long.
For the 9yr old, don't let her watch the news w/you or scary movie trailers.
When those come on, change the channel.
Get a nightlight for her room.
When you take her to bed, have her look in her closets w/you & under her
bed.
Get a lock for her bedroom window.
Let her sleep w/the door open.
Tell her you are just down the hall.
Explain what to do in case of emergency (yell for you, get out in case of
fire etc.). This gives her some sense of power & control.
Is she on the same floor as you.
Try to think of how they feel at this young age. See what you may able to
do/change to help them adjust to their bedtime routines (each one is
separate).
Hang in there....this is only a stage & it will be over soon!
For the 3 year old, put a baby gate across the door and take the light bulb out so she can't turn on the light. I would also take her favorite toys out of the room, if possible. Then she can stand at the gate in the dark if that's what she wants to do. Bet you find her asleep on the floor!
The nine year old, what the heck did she see that makes her think someone is going to break in and take her? Let her make some sort of alarm to go across her window - like cans on a string that will make noise of someone jiggles them. She can put one across her bedroom door and her window so that the whole house will hear it if anyone tries to come into her room.
Our kid is 3, and hasn't had any fear issues. He transitioned into a toddler bed just fine initially. About 3-4 months later, he started getting up, calling for us, asking for drinks etc.
Our god daughter was supposed to come over for a playdate, but cancelled because she hadn't slept well the night before. That was very impactful for him. He has stayed in bed ever since.
BTW- we have and continue to have a gate at his door. Don't like the thought of his roaming the house unsupervised when we sleep.
F. B.
I'm having pronoun issues and I don't really understand your question, is the 3 year old sleeping well but the 9 year old makes you lay with the 3 year old because she's scared someone will take her?
Or is the 3 year old having trouble adjusting to the crib, and then separately the 9 year old is afraid someone will take herself and makes you lay with her (the 9 year old)?
I would work with the 3 yr old about the bed. What is the concern? Just that the kid gets up often?
As for the 9 yr old, what started it? I would try to address that with things like allowing her to sleep with the light on, checking her window and closet, etc. It's possibly something that started out as a real fear and then became habitual. Sometimes when my DD doesn't want to stay in bed, I give her a book to read for "good thoughts". Is there a soothing picture book your DD likes?
ETA: I would take your 3 yr old back to bed, firmly but quietly, over and over and over again. Make it less of a game and don't give her any attention for it. It's a new thing. She'll get past it. Don't even say more than "time for bed" after the first get up. Just back to bed. Close the door.
For your other DD, what about leaving a baby monitor in her room? Do you still have one leftover from the toddler? Or you can get her a cheap whistle or something.
You have a few things going on. Is it dark up where you are at 8:30? Here is is still bright light. And it will be that way until October, so I would cover our daughters windows with quilts so she felt like it was night time.
Maybe you need some black out curtains?
I used to let our daughter stay up reading as late as she wanted, in her room. This was with the agreement that in the morning she had to get up on time for school or whatever was planned. IF she BALKED in the morning, I would set a bedtime for her. This worked fine for her from about 4th grade, middle and high school. She knew how much sleep she needed.
She sometimes would get spooked, so we would just talk about how creative people cab easily scare themselves with their imaginations. So she would need to remember that it was all on her mind. We asked her, "what would make you feel safer?" She said "a bat next to her bed". So we found a bat a garage sale and that seemed to help. She had a lamp right nest to her bed and she had a CD player that played music that she felt calmed her. We also had a flashlight for her.
Also I reminded her that if she woke up from a bad dream, to roll over and the dream would go away.
The younger child is testing. The rules are to not speak to her, just walk her back and tell her "it is time to sleep". "Do not get out of bed."
And yes, a gate may be necessary to keep her in her room. Even if you find her asleep on the floor, leave her there. a night light is fine.
You may need to find a light switch cover so she cannot turn on the light in her room until she gets out of the habit of turning on other lights. She will be just fine with just a night light.
Do this over and over.
I would allow the 9 year old to read quietly after you leave her room. In addition, give her a night light if she doesn't have one and also turn on the hall light or put on in there.
You may need to gate the 3 year old's door. Is there a fan in her room with light? If so, turn off the light from there. Allow her to keep a small lamp on if she agrees to not turn the light on. Keep going back into her room to lay her back down.
What about letting them sleep in the same room for a few nights? My almost five year old is recently scared to sleep 'alone' in his room (which he shares with his 11 month old brother). So last night I let him sleep in his sister's room. He went to bed fine.
Separate rooms?
Gate the 3 year olds door. The after crib freedom is hellacious. Sticker chart for STAYING in bed after you put her in there. 10 stickers? Treat.
Let the 9 year old check the door & window licks before she goes in her room.
