Getting a 4 Year Old to Bed.

Why not put a lock on the outside of her door? You can unlock it before you go to bed for the night so she can get to you if she needs to.

I have been a parent for 20 years now, and the hands-down best thing I have found for getting kids up and going in the mornings and into bed without a fight is "Children's Miracle Music". Google it to order online. It has been well worth every cent I paid for it. (Which isn't much!)

S.:

7 p.m. (especially in the Summer time) is the earliest I have ever heard of for a child's bedtime. Have you tried bumping it to 8 p.m. and see if that makes a difference? I understand about wanting "me/us" time with you and your husband but are you really that rigid about going to bed @ 8 p.m. EVERY night? Maybe you could bump your time to 8:30 p.m. once you get her to bed @ 8:00. One thing I have done with my children is give them some type of treat/toy under their pillow/by their bed from the Sleep Fairy if they stay in their bed. It could be anything-a quarter, a pencil, dollar store items, fruit snacks etc. You could even do some type of reward at the end of the week or month for staying in their bed. Customize it to what your child likes & activities they would enjoy.

9 pm is pretty good. I think I'm doing great if my 3 year old goes to bed at 9:30.

We do something every night that the kids love. We first get our bedtime routine out of the way (teeth, potty, that sort of thing), then, we all pile up in the bed (mine and husband's). Our son is reading now, so he reads us all a book, and when we are done reading, we talk about the day, tell knock-knock jokes, whatever until their bedtime around 8:30. When I say, "ok, it's bedtime, hugs and kisses," they get right up and go to their room to be tucked in. I think they just like the extra cuddle time in our bed. We also treat this as a special thing, meaning that if they are not relaxing and start acting too silly, it's straight to bed. They never want to miss out on this special family time. Maybe your little one is just needing a little relaxing special cuddle time before bed. Sometimes we have to put what we've read or seen on TV aside, stop being so rigid or scheduled (because kids don't always respond to those things), and kick into "loving mommy mode." I have to say that 7:00 seems a little early.

Have you tried a bedtime rules chart? We have one for our 4 year old and it helps so much. The rules are:
1) Stay in Bed
2) Close our Eyes
3) Be Very Quiet
4) Go To Sleep

Mine can receite them at the drop of a hat, and it is like a game now. We put them on her wall as a reminder and let her help make the chart. Then at night if she gets in bed like she is supposed to she gets a sticker. If she is not going to sleep we just say remember the sleep rules. Even if she is not sleeping she is still sitting quietly in bed, which is so much better than a few months ago because we could never get her asleep before 10 or 10:30. Good Luck.

Dear Sarah B-

I have a son the same age and have had similar issues. I realize that it works best for your schedule for your daughter to go to bed at 7, but that is a very early bedtime, especially during the summertime when it is light out for another two hours. Little kids often need to operate on their own internal clocks, and she may not be tired at 7pm. Would there be any way you and your husband could adjust your schedules? Or you may have to reschedule your "personal time" to avoid the nightly trauma involved with putting a child to bed way too early. My son is ready for bed at 8:00, but I have friends whose kids stay up until 9:00 or so. Good luck!

This is a tough one... Are you allowing her to play before bed and then she puts herself to bed? If so I would maybe have that be the routine for her nap... make it her choice if she sleeps or not during her "quiet time" but at night have a set routine... brush teeth, read, pray, get in bed and stay there. Chances are if she is in the actual bed - her body will respond by relaxing and hopefully falling asleep. Do you do baths in the evenings- that sometimes relaxes them? Could you move her nap to earlier in the day or limit it to a shorter time so she is more tired at the end of the day but not a royal pain?
With the weather hopefully getting warmer maybe just playing more outside will wear her out a bit.
My daughter is 3 1/2 and there are nights when she is playing in her bed till 9 or 10... as long as she is in her room, lights off and in her bed... there isn't much I can do to force her to sleep.

So sorry you are so tired. I hope something works...

S.-
I have a four year old son as well, and we had to take away his naps because he never wanted to go to sleep at bed time. Also, you need to be very stern about bedtime. Don't give in!!!! Eventually she will know that you mean business and she's not going to get her way.

Hi S.,

Sounds like you have a very determined little girl! I assume if you read love and logic that you know to be consistent. So here's another idea that worked for us. I had my daughter help make up 3 'passes'- I just wrote bedtime pass on them and she got to color, put stickers, whatever. I even had them laminated. Then I explained that she could use them for whatever she wanted (glass of water, go to bathroom, give us kisses, etc.) But once she used them all- that was it. She could not come out of her room again. If she did come out again, there were consequences attached. For her, turning out her lamp was just torture, so that was her consequence- you know what would work for you. This way, she had the power over her evening. It worked pretty quickly, and after a while she most often only used one. She figured out she better be stingy with them in case she really needed something. I think this helps them get used to spending time in their room. They have a little comfort knowing that they can come out if they need to, but the choice is up to them. Good luck!

My 3 year old doesn't want to go to bed either. We ended up putting a child proof white door knob cover (the kind they can't open) on the inside of his door. When we put him to bed the first time, we tell him that he can keep the door open but if he comes out of his room we will have to shut the door. He knows if we shut the door he can't get it open. Then we always follow through with shutting the door if he comes out. We also use the Love & Logic method and this works right along with that - his choice. If your child can open the door with the restraint, you may have to use a latch or door lock.

I have a 3 1/2 almost 4 year old boy. I have him go to bed at 8:00 everynight but I have noticed that he plays in his bed for over 1/2 hour before he decides to go to sleep. I too go in to my bed after I put him down but I listen to him and sometimes fight with him to go to sleep. So that is why we decide that maybe we would let him stay up until 8:30 or 9:00. I think 7:00 is way to early for them to go sleep especially because it is still light outside. The kids get to a point where they won't have naps either during the day, if your daughter still is I would say put her down later. Good luck I know it is hard because you won't alone time but sometimes with little ones we don't get it as much as we like.

We have had lots of difficulty getitng our four year old to bed. A few months ago, we decided to work with her to develop a bedtime "list". We asked her what things had to happen for her to be ready to go to bed. She created the list:
Clean up the family room
Take her vitamins
Get hugs and kisses
Put on her PJs
Brush teeth and hair
Get her baby doll
Read a story
Go to sleep

I took pictures of her doing all these things, printed them and made a poster. At the bottom, next to a picture of her lying in bed with her eyes closed, I wrote "Asleep by 8:00". The rule is "Anything not finished by 8:00 doesn't get done".

I then said she could have 10 minutes of uninterrupted time to do whatever she wants with either her dad or me, any day when she goes to bed according to the routine without arguments, etc. and by 8:00. During her 10 minutes, she gets my undivided attention - no focus on her brother; don't answer the phone; TV is off, etc. I picked this as a "reward" because time with Mommy is the most important thing to her -- it is very motivating.

Since we did this, her bedtime routine works almost perfectly. We have had maybe 2 nights in the month or more since we started that has been at all difficult, and then i remind her of the 10 minutes, and she settles right in.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll find the thing that works for you!

M.

Hi S.-

We had a similar issue and our doctor suggested a bit of melatonin. Just takes the edge off so she can sleep and wants to go to bed. We gave it to her about 30 min before bedtime (8 for us) and she was ready to go. Talk to your pediatrian about dosages, our ped. said that there are no side effects from long term usage and it is like giving your child herbal teas.

Our kids bedtime is 8:30. They know if they get out of bed after that they will have no treats or TV the next day. We need some time in the evening without the children (if they need to use the bathroom, they can get out of bed).

7:00 does seem a little early, but I know quite a few kids that have an earlier bedtime than our 8:30... I think we should change ours to 8:00. Good luck!

Hi S.,

I have 3 boys (age 1,3,5) and they all are in bed between 7:30 and 8:00pm and stay there. Sound too good to be true? It's not - you can do it!!!

It took A LOT of patience and consistency for my older two to "get it" once they moved to their big boy beds, but we stuck with our method and now it works. It sounds like you've tried too many things to get her to bed, and I don't recommend bribing... as she'll then expect treats to behave how she's supposed to. At this age she's will be harder to train because what you describe is her routine, so don't be suprised if it takes a couple months more of being exhausted before you can have your time again. Trust me, it's worth it :)

As for naps, maybe give her no nap for a few days, and deal with the melt downs, just so she'll crash in the evening. You might find that when she gets the extra 2 hours at night, she won't need the naps anymore and going to bed at night will be a lot easier. Or, consider shorter or earlier naps and get her jump started into a new routine.

We basically did the super nanny thing. When my 5 year old was 2, I remember counting how many times I took him back to the first time I tried it (we were both sweaty and exhausted) without talking to him. At 50 times he was begging me to stop... it' took over 100 times of taking him back to bed the first time. 3 days later, he gave up because he knew mom and dad were going to win! My now 3.5 year old was a bit more stubborn with this technique, but we did the same thing every night, not talking to him, taking him back to bed. I had to do the sitting in his room, body language totally shut down and then moved closer to the door every night. Then, sat outside his bedroom door with the door a crack open. In the process I also figured out he wanted a night-light and all his stuffed animals in bed. Now it's "G'Night mom, love you" and we don't hear a peep from either of them.

Bath times help and so does a glass of milk (it has the same thing in turkey meat that makes you feel sleepy).

Good Luck... I know your pain :)

She insists?? Well, I guess I don't agree with Love and Logic, lights out and bedtime at 7, no questions, no negotiations. If she needs some downtime during the day that is one thing but if she is wide awake at 9, I say time to end naps. Do a behavior chart, she is well old enough to understand the concept of earning points for good behavior.
Every night she is to go to bed at 7, period. She needs to learn that sleep is a good thing and helps her grow. For every night she goes to bed well, add a star/smiley and at the end of the month take her some place special or a fun treat.
Make sure she has black out shades so there is no sunlight in her room, this time of year is super hard on kids.
Obviously the method you are using isn't working so time to not allow her to dictate what your family does as far as bedtime. I say give up naps and get hard core on her, if she refuses to go to sleep well, take off 15 minutes for the next night that she has to go even earlier. I know with both of my kids that has worked wonders. I have put my six year old to bed as early as 4pm before when she refuses to listen. I am all about learning consequences and think empowering them with decisions is great, however I don't agree with letting a 4 year old insist on anything.

S.,
Congrats on making it to 4 yrs with naps! Many preschoolers have already long given up an afternoon nap. We have twin 4 1/4 yr old girls. Nap is now everyother day and bed time is approx. 8pm. Sleep cycles change as you know and you're going thru another one. Try reducing the afternoon nap by 30 minutes (from 2 hrs to 1 1/2 hrs or 1 1/2 hrs to 1 hour) and extend bed time to 7:30 or 8pm. Or, if your brave, reduce nap to every other day. The days are much lighter and longer now.... pretty soon the whole family will be outside playing after dinner and bed time will be 9pm !!!!!
Good luck
G-

HI S.,

My son is 4 and a total night owl. Even without a nap he will sometimes stay up until 10 or after. One thing my husband started with our kids is having warm milk before bed. He really talked it up and told them how much warm milk will help them go to sleep.

Have you tried playing soft music or nature sounds. We play a CD for our son of frogs croaking (sounds kinda wierd but he loves it). It helps occupy his mind to listen to them.

Also, is it dark enough? Maybe dim the lights in the house a bit before bedtime. I know it takes my son longer to go to sleep when the hall light is left on at bedtime instead of just a nightlight. The darkness helps stimulate the natural melatonin production in the body to help you go to sleep.

My husband and/or I also lay down with each of our kids for 2 minutes after story time. When I lay down with them I let them know I'm only laying there for 2 minutes and that is it. I won't be coming back to lay down again that night. It takes a few nights to get them used to just 2 minutes but after they know what to expect 2 minutes is enough. Sometimes my daugher is even asleep in that time. If they are being to wild or loud I tell them I'm leaving if they don't settle down and be quiet.

Hope some of this helps. Hang in there!

Bedtime can be a challenge! I assume you have a routine, such as teeth, jammies, 2 books, whatever. The "theory" of playing in her room and going to bed isn't working right now, so how about a shift to laying with her while she goes to sleep? It sounds like she craves companionship (why go to bed and be alone?) so if your routine adds 15 minutes of laying with mom or dad, then sleep, she might feel fulfilled. It is important that the together time is quiet / silent so she is sleepy. One other idea is how about let her go to sleep (at 7) in your room, and tell her she will wake up in her own bed? This worked like a charm for us--the goal was for her to stay in bed and go to sleep, and she was willing to stay in our bed! Hope these ideas help.

My younger 3 also have a bedtime of 7, later during the summer, but that isn't what time they go to sleep that doesn't happen until about 9, but they are to stay in their room, they can and usually do watch a movie, I know not the best but considering I can't sleep without the T.V on and they all co-slept until about a year and a half it has become their habit to, I am Ok with it. Removing the naps is the best way but it has to be done well, and the first week is always the hardest, most of mine become extra hyper and I allow it with in reason and then a 1/2 hour before bed time we start the routine and that will calm them down, as to the cranky ness work with it and understand that it will pass once she is in her new routine, it does get better. I also understand the need for me/us time and that is what I like about my nights, I am thankfull for the nights it happens but also realistic enough to know it doesn't always and that tomorrow is always another chance. Good luck!

Hi! We have a daughter (who is also 4) whom has never liked bed time or nap time. And, we also had tried the 'no nap' thing with the same results: either really hyper at evening or hysterical over everything. She's been like this since the day we took her home from the hospital. The thing we've learned through this is that this is the way she's made. It is very frustrating because when it's her bed time then it's you time or your time with your husband. However, my encouragement is to keep putting her to bed when it's time and if she gets up or is loud and she's not supposed to be, then discipline accordingly. Our daughter still struggles with staying in bed and going to sleep...but with consistent rules and consequences for getting up, etc. it has improved drastically. I wish you the best of luck and I know exactly how frustrating it is! We have dealt (and still do at times) with the same situation.

The real question is what time are you waking her up in the morning. I also have a 4 year old. And he actually doesn't take a nap...hasn't since he was about 1 year old. If I can't get him to go to sleep at 8:30 (his bed time), then the next morning I wake him up with his older sisters at 7:00 am. Then that night he is tired enough to go to sleep on time...but it takes a few days. If you are expecting her to go to sleep early, then you need to expect her to wake up early. And honestly when he goes to bed at 10-11 pm (yes late), he still usually gets up early. He just doesn't require a lot of sleep.

Hi S.,
I think as kids get older they stay up later. Seven is very early to go to bed especially when you still have energy. If you and your husband can't stay up past 8 for alone time then maybe have a tv show or video or game she can play on her own until 8 when she will be more tired. Also try and get her outside and playing before or after diner so she gets worn out a little. Kids at her age should get about 10 hours of sleep, if she is in bed at 7 she should be getting up around 5am. It is not realistic for you to expect her to sleep more than that.
Have fun and make sure she gets enough physical activity to be tired.
SarahMM