Frustrating Brother-in-law. Trying Not to Explode.

I say let it go.

I have a BIL (hubby's lil' bro) who is 38 and childless and he makes comments all the time about how he is going to do things differently with his kids and makes lil' remarks about my kids all the time. They do bother me but I let them go. It is just who he is as a person.

~Although I must be honest & tell you I still haven't gotten over the time he said my oldest has too big of a head for his body!

"I'm sorry... does it upset you that the baby has a gentle temperament and needs some time to get used to different surroundings?"

"Oh, I'm sorry... he's still a baby. Does it offend you that we take care of his needs?"

"Why does it bother you so much that our baby isn't rough and tumble at only 15 months old?"

"Wow, big brother... I had NO IDEA about that! Thank you SO MUCH for telling me that! Not a single pediatrician or parenting book or bit of our limited parenting experience led us to that. We're going to have to start from scratch with everything."

"Yes, I knew that before I ever had kids. Did you only just find that out?"

"Wow, I'm sorry you only just figured that out big brother. We read that/heard it from our pediatrician/experienced it/figured it out before the baby was born."

"Oh, you're right... you've raised ALL the children and I've only started raising one. You have all the answers."

You're not doing anything wrong. Take the higher road and ignore him. It will be amusing when his kids start really acting out and yours is the perfect little gentleman.

If he really gets under your skin, call him out on this. Just say very directly, "Joe (or whomever), I don't comment on your child-rearing practices. Why do you feel the need to comment on ours?" He will probably deny it, but might think twice before saying something again.

You have to fight fire with fire. Be obnoxious right back to him. It is likely the only language he understands and the only thing that will make him back off.
I disagree with everyone telling you to just "laugh it off". Clearly that is not going to work here, you and your husband are VERY hurt by his comments and behavior. Don't put up with it! Try some of Jessica Wessica's comments. Be nasty right back! Another tactic I use is to raise your voice and be very matter of fact. For example the next time your BIL tells someone they have to be careful with your son b/c he's sensitive, you say loudly, "No he's not. He's no more sensitive than the average 15 month old."
C'mon mama! Stand up for yourself! Or just stop associating with him, because clearly it's making you miserable.

My experience with families and differing parenting styles is there is "tone" coming from both sides. That "tone" usually comes from the normal insecurity, am I making the right choices.

What you need to do is understand that *you* know your child and their particular needs. Could you be making wrong decisions, sure, could they, sure but really you all may be making the right choices for your children, ya know?

Stop being so wrapped up in the difference and pay closer attention to the similarities, you are all trying to raise kids the best way you know how!

I parented very differently from my exes family and they pointed it out a lot. Are you sure that is best? Nope, but I sure hope so. :) Nothing they ever said or did bothered me because I knew I was making the best choices I could for my kids, you can't be expected to do anything more than that. :)

Limit your time around them even more. That's what I would do. Sounds like it is NOT a great relationship for your husband, and kids do (imo) take traits after their parents... If you are more quiet and introverted, I think it is normal that your son might be inclined that way also. It isn't JUST that he is an only child. And socializing him more isn't going to change his whole personality.

I know. I am introverted too. And so are both of my kids. They have NEVER been as loud and boisterous as some other kids we know. It has nothing to do with socialization, and everything to do with personality. Kids that are generally LOUD (screeching instead of just 'normal' laughter, for example) get on my NERVES. I don't care whose kid you are. My pastor's daughter in my backseat nearly sent me to the side of the road to have a talk... because I just can't drive with that sort of noise. My own two kiddos were laughing/playing too... but not NEARLY so loud and "screamy/squawky". She wasn't being bad or anything.... just a different personality and noise level than our families.

If it was me I would definetly speak my mind! There is nothing wrong with having a sensitive baby! Sounds like your husband and you are great parents. I think when a child had a bunch of siblings they are generally more loud, rough, outgoing. I have two boys 12 and 16 months and both sensitive and very well behaved children. I would take that any day instead of the alternative. Don't let anyone else make you feel like your not parenting right!

Limit your time with them if BIL makes rude remarks about you son. You know there is nothing wrong with your son. Yes to those little comments I would say "There is nothing wrong with Sam, he's our first child, he just isn't used to being around large groups with this much noise. Why does that bother you?" See if he dare say anything negative about your parenting.

Tough one.

Either kindly tell him how you feel (no telling anyone off) or Try to laugh him off. Remember you are comfortable with your situation. He is comfortable with his. You wish he would be more supportive and keep him mouth shut, but.......

Keep in mind...... he does have a LOT more experience in parenting than you do. That may not mean you agree with his style, but he shouldn't be negated either. Stay focused on the real problem...... you feel he is openly critical of your style. Again, I would either as nicely as possible tell him how your remarks make him feel or laugh it off. Visit less often too.

Family - can't pick em! He is doing this because he KNOWS that it bugs y'all. My nephew didn't like loud noises. I thought it was weird. My pedi told me and my husband to set up the bassinet next to the tv so that our DD would get used to noises and be able to sleep. We did and she sleeps like a log! My nephew couldn't sleep if you didn't whisper. You had to tip toe around the house for fear of waking him up. Drove me nuts. But, I'm not the Mom so hey to each their own.

With 3 boys life is loud and that is the way it is. You are being rather judgmental as well by saying that he yells all the time, spanks his kids. You are projecting that your way is better than his. Also, what type of comments did you make before you had kids? I would tell my BIL "well, my kids won't do that". Guess what? They did and my BIL didn't forget the smartass comments I made. Food for thought.

My initital thought is that it isn't just about his comments but also seems as though your personalities may also clash which makes this worse.

I would suggest that the next time he implies you're doing something wrong just say something like "Tom, I know we do things different but every child is different. Being one of many is different than being the only child in the house but we are doing just fine". He may or may not mean anything by his comments but this lets him know that you've noticed them.

My second sister, is a piece of work. She has had one girl total, who is now 14, but she has done it all, knows it all, thinks she has the market in mother of the year, and feels everyone should acknowledge the hard work and dedication she did for her daughter. I started after all my siblings. I have the youngest children in my family. Even though I am a middle child. She feels obligated to tell me all that I am doing wrong at every turn. Even though I babysat her child for 5 years straight, when she worked 80 hour weeks. So anyway. I dont let her get to me. I will let her have her say, and when she pushes me to reply, I try not to be nasty or superior. If I was it would send her into fits of dramatic rage anyway. I will just say, oh thanks for the info, will see what I can do. She still to this day, no matter where we are. Calls me little sis and chicken poop (a nick name cause I got chicken pox 4 times as a kid). I HATE this. She knows it. When I tense or react she pick it up and will sing songs. Now I have to ask who is the grown up in the room? well my 5 year old has better manners than her. I love her, I do, I however can not stand her personality.
I guess try to just understand where he is coming from. Maybe he sees what a loving, quiet, and drama free life your husband has and he is jealous. He feels he must lord authority over you and husband cause he is older brother. Its a complex, if he didn't grow out of it yet he wont. Those are family things that you will remember and laugh about later I am sure.

Easier said then done, but you just need to try and rise above it. His comments can only bother you if you let them. Be confident in your parenting skills because you know it's what's best for your child/family. There's always going to be someone out there who has another way of doing things that they think is "right" or "better". I don't believe there's a one size fits all parenting manual.

I wouldn't be rude to my BIL if he said things about my child's behavior being "funny" or called him "sensitive", but I would defend it. I'd probably say, "well what do you expect, he's still a BABY, of course he's going to be nervous around 4 crazy boys!" Let him feel like the idiot for making idiotic comments in the first place. I wouldn't lose your cool with him, but just have some good comebacks planned that let him know you're not going to be talked down to.

Children come out with all sorts of different temperaments, and it doesn't have much to do with parenting. If you have a quiet, sensitive boy, he likely came out that way. If your BIL has active, rowdy boys, they likely came out that way. Now, should your BIL make subtly snide comments about your son? No way! But you should try not to take it so personally.

And I'm going to add another thought. Your BIL has 4 boys. He's got to be way stressed. He probably remembers when he had only one, and remembers that one is sooo much easier than two (at least in my experience). So he's not going to give you and your husband as much credit as you think you should get. I don't know if two is so much easier than four, but if so, you need to cut him a wee little bit of slack.

The rest of it (especially the spanking) is unfortunate. This would be a great issue on which to stand your ground. If you have the time to look up the data to support your stance (e.g., spanking leads to aggression in the kiddos), you can present that to your BIL in a calm (and maybe superior? ;-) ) voice. Maybe even print out a scientific research-based study or two to hand to him if/when he gets uppity about your discipline approach?

Try to keep your distance as much as possible...don't make leading statements on FB...leaving it wide open for him to respond. Your child probably has "only child' symdrome...which is why he is clingy. Nothing wrong with that that a few play dates with choice kids won't cure.

I have two boys - one is in Kindergarten, the other is 20 mths old. They are TOTAL OPPOSITES! The first is loud and outgoing and always wants to be the center of attention - ever since he was born! The second is sweet and shy and quiet and wants to cuddle with Mama - ever since he was born! Your BIL's kids are probably different mostly because they have different personalities. Yes, parenting does play a part in that, as well...but kids are born with much of their personality already.

Parenting puts us in all sorts of uncomfortable situations. I am also introverted and tend to be quiet in big groups...but I have had several situations come up with my children where I NEEDED to speak up for THEM. It was terribly uncomfortable and I really don't know if I would have done it for myself. They depend on me, though. It is my job to speak for them when they are little.

Yes, it will probably be uncomfortable to speak up to your BIL about his comments, behaviors, etc, but if you (or hubby) should do it for your son. It sounds like you see them fairly often (more than a couple of times a year) so this kind of thing will continue to come up unless you address it. Your son will notice more and more as he gets older. Speak up now before it gets even more uncomfortable. Speak up now before it permanently affects your child's relationship with his uncle and cousins. You can do it! You are a strong Mama. Stand up for your family! :o)

First, I'd say, calm down. Try (operative word) not to be sensitive. Some guys think this adult "teasing", "jabbing", banter is good natured fun. They don't think they are being rude, they think it's just "guy talk".

Second, why not try to "join" in the banter instead of taking offense. There are ways to "get back" at his comments by making some observations of your own. Perhaps, "Well John we're not raising a herd of elephants here are we?"

Third, who cares if your son is a little clingy - he's 15 mos old! Some kids are skinny, some are average and some are fat. It's not RUDE, it's just a fact. So what if your kid is a little skiddish around him or other family? The reality is he IS still a LITTLE BOY. So yes, he's not going to act like the big boys. But I will also say MANY MANY of us change/have adjusted our parenting style between child 1 and 3.

Yes, many of us "babied" our first one. Because they were small, adorable and we loved them to pieces. Just know that for many of us, once the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. comes along you just don't have the time or energy to "baby" your babies as much. They need to walk, talk and stick up for themselves!

What I'm saying is, sometimes a fact is just a fact, even if it seems like he's being rude. He may be pointing out the obvious, just in that rude TONE that you don't like.

I understand this is really bothering you. So I think you either need to give him a taste of his own medicine or ignore him. I don't think you're going to change him no matter what you say or do.

And yes, I think you are being a little sensitive about your little boy. Someone will ALWAYS have a comment you don't like. If you are a quiet, mellow person, of course your BIL and his kids are going to seem like a herd of elephants! Just know that it takes "all kinds" to make this world go 'round...someday kids like your BILs kids are going to be your kids' classmates, on his soccer team, etc. So get used to it now.

If someone said that about my child... I'd probably blurt out the truth - something along the lines of "Well, I don't think my child wants to be knocked over, overwhelmed by the extreme noisiness and aggressiveness that is the normal allowed behavior in your household. We do not encourage over the top behavior in our home. Maybe if your children calmed down to normal behavior and voices, he'd be more likely to want to interact with them."

Does it really bother you AND your husband, or just you?