Frustrated with My Tween

Well, I am right along with you with my 12 year old daughter!
I have simply told her (repeatedly) that I do not deserve her nastiness or attitude! I call her on it and remind her that my day's aren't always perfect either. I have pointed out that even though I am just "Mom" to her, I am still a person with thoughts and feelings and that I deserve her respect as much as she deserves mine!
Seem's to help...althought I do have to repeat it! lol
Good luck..

Is there a reason why he's emotional? Are there things going on in his life that might be upsetting to him? Sometimes life really IS that bad. It doesn't stay that way forever, but seriously, sometimes life sucks and we get down about it. He is going through a tough physical, emotional and psychological time - their brains change as well. Don't make a huge deal about it unless there are signs that he needs professional help, but don't minimize it as "just hormones" either - respect how he feels. You want to keep the lines of communication open and not have that "oh, he's just a teen, he'll get over it". attitude. How he feels is important to him and to minimize that doesn't help AT ALL.

And seriously, requesting people to not comment if they don't have the exact situation is ridiculous. This is a public forum where people have many different experiences and backgrounds. You might just get a kernel of good information from someone who is outside your bubble of common experience. If you don't want advice, don't ask. Because asking for the advice you want to hear isn't advice.

I have a moody tween, so I guess that means I have permission to respond.

I think the remedy depends on the source of the problem. Not every tween is mopey and emotional just because of hormones - there are reasons - trouble at school, problems with friendships, developing bodies and romantic feelings, etc. I have a tween and her challenges vary from day to day. I could give her a blanket "it'll all be okay" but that will simply convey the idea to her that I "just don't get it." To me, reading bible verse and searching for the rainbows is just a bandaid to the symptoms he shows outwardly, not the solution for the actual problems he's facing.

By the way, why would you "keep your happy faces on"? Are you trying to shield your tween from the fact that you have emotions and problems that you face? Wouldn't the better example to your child be that adults face problems and don't fall apart; they face them and find solutions. If you don't acknowledge the problems he has, you will become one of them - the parents who just don't understand - and he'll find someone else who will - his peers.

My daughter was having similar problems. Her doctor suggested a blood test to rule out anything physical. Turns out she was super low in vitamin D. She's been taking 50,000 units of vitamin D a week and it seems to have helped a bit. I think you should get a blood test to rule things out.

Tween years are TOUGH. I have a 25-year-old and 15-year-old. Both had their problems. Both very different. Both were mopey and emotional at times. My older daughter was cutting herself and had other issues as well. But she made it through and is a great young lady.

BTW we are a Christian family, but I am dismayed at Christians who just want to pray the kid out of trouble and offer no solutions other than that, and getting closer to God, volunteering to help others, reading the Bible, etc. If kids are having trouble and are depressed, they need medical and psychological help. The brain is an organ in the body just like the heart and lungs. If you have a heart problem you take medicine. It should be no different with a "brain" problem such as depression. People who suggest putting on a happy face and getting through it? Clueless. Find out if anything is wrong first before you go that route.

I keep an open mind and an open heart. I don't always keep a happy face on, I encourage my kids (11 & 15) to express thier feelings so I can better understand where they're coming from.

Maybe you should approach him more as a Mother than a Christian. Maybe you should react to advice given here more as a Christian than a critic.

I was going to back out and not answer after seeing your edit, especially after I read the first response that you mentioned and saw nothing wrong in it.

You want the advice of mom's who have been there? Well I qualify probably more then average person. I have already raised 4 through their tween/teen years, currently have one in it, and have three more headed towards it.

You say you don't want to give more info, well without a little more info about what it is that he is being emotional about, then how can you get any actual help? Sure, I could say to just put on a happy face, and pretend, but is that really the info you want?

Also, before I try to answer you question. Sometimes people who aren't in the thick of the tween years, do have good advice, they are seeing it from the outside looking in. I often find my advice to be better when it's not me who is dealing with it.

So here's the fact of tween years. You put on a happy face, cause there isn't a whole lot you can do right now to convince them that life is peaches and sunshine. Right now their hormones are ruling the roost. Once they even out and calm down, they will also come back to planet earth and stop hating everyone, but you have to know when to back off and just leave them be. They can know you care without you (general) being on top of them all of the time. Life doesn't stop because a tween/teen is hormonal, and as long as they aren't being disrespectful or creating havoc in other area's of their lives, you live life just like you did before hormones kicked in.

What do you mean by "emotional"? My son got grumpy, sure. And moody. And sometimes he'd be a little less than respectful in his interactions with me. And I called him out on it.

I didn't give him a pass. I did pass out some extra hugs, though.

Good luck.

I'm no psychiatrist, but your need to control everything could be part of the problem. And I'll post whatever and wherever I want, thank you very much.

Tween life is messy and drama filled. What we see as no big whup is actually huge to them and the worst thing you could do is diminish their feelings. So, the best thing to do is be a great LISTENER. As others have said, there are other issues that have nothing to do with hormones that can affect a tween. Your job is to read between the lines and determine if you need to intervene. Most often, you do not.

But....everything on Mamapedia is "on a personal level." And please consider that requests for more information are not about prying or about "psychoanalyzing" you but about trying to give you information that might be more specific, relevant and useful if those of us posting know a bit more about how "mopey and emotional" manifest themselves in your kid. Those words can mean just typical preteen blahs or they can be signs of serious problems, or many things in between, but it all depends on the kind of detail you don't want to give.

So speaking generically, and yes, I do have a tween though she is not especially mopey or negative: Does your son have plenty to do, and is at least some of it what he wants and chooses to be doing? Does he have activities both in and especially outside school that truly engage him -- activities he chose, not ones that he was told he'd do, or ones that he's done since he was much younger? Most kids need something either to blow off steam, or to focus their attention, or both, and it needs to be -- especially by the tween/middle school years -- something the child chooses and feels strongly about.

If you say, yes, he has activities but is still mopey, I'd ask myself if I were you: Are these activities the one's he's been doing for years now? Did we ever check in with him to say, "Hey, you've been doing X (playing soccer/playing other sport/doing church youth group/in speech club/whatever) for a few years now. How is it really going? Do you want to continue or do you want to try something new?" And so on. I've seen kids keep grinding out the same activities when they really needed a change, or the activities were ones that mom and dad put them in at a younger age but now they are passionate about....cartooning, or music, or writing, or a different sport, or Boy Scouting (which at older levels does many very cool things)....and so on.

Kids need something that is all their own; that takes them outside themselves and helps them interact with other kids and positive adults; and that requires them to keep at it. If your son has no or few activities, please think about working with him to find something that he is enthusiastic about and have him keep at it for a while. This might require some outside-the-box thinking -- for instance, if he's not into the sports that are typical, he might get into individual sports like golf, fencing, tennis, or if he's more about academics, he might want to try math club or Science Olympiad or other extracurriculars where he gets to be with other academically minded kids. Involving him in choices and asking him about what he wants to do are good ways to help him feel like he has more control; many tweens feel they are ready for some control and choices but feel they don't get them.

Volunteering at something that interests him and helps others is also good for getting a mopey kid outside his own head. Kids this age have a hard time seeing that other people have problems too; some volunteering could help him get past that and make him feel less like he "hates the world" if he sees that he can help change the world a little bit.

Introduce him to the Daily Audio Bible for Kids. It is a short podcast that you can download from itunes. You can also listen to it on the website and there is a free app you can also download. The kids who do the daily reading are fun to listen to and very upbeat. There is a password protected chat room and forums where kids can talk about what is going on in their lives.

www.dailyaudiobiblekids.com

They also have a podcast for adults that reads through the Bible in one year. There are also adult forums too at www.dailyaudiobible.com.

The only comment I can give you is what my mom told me when I was going through this stage of tween early teen years...(my own kids are too young, but I will use what my mom did with me).

My mom told me that everything I was feeling was NORMAL. And that I was totally a totally normal pre-teen/teenager. I was supposed to have times where I would go from laughing to crying with in the same thirty minutes time frame.

That my hormones could make situations seem really low and depressing or make situations seem very very euphoric...however this was my body's way of becoming a woman.

She told me all my friends were going through the same thing even if they didn't show it and that it would get better as I matured and got used to this newness of being an adult.

She made herself very available to me that I could talk to her about any topic...and didn't ever make me feel judged...from friends, to sex, to drinking, to whatever she listened and shard with me about her own teen years

She did get me involved with a church youth group and she,and my dad became co-sponsors of the group that would meet at our house and made our house a cool place to hang out.

But I think what helped me most was knowing that this was normal for me to feel this way with all the hormones and that it would get better...

I also second a blood test...I was anemic and iron supplements really helped me, and she knew that our family genetically tended to be low on B vitamins, so those helped too. I know this is different for boys but when I started my period it was rough with bad cramps and feeling so gross...she would let me stay home the first day to get my bearings and take OTC pain relief and hot baths to soothe my cramps.

Also, sometimes when I was frustrated she would talk about the scriptures to me or how God wanted me to handle things and in my hormonal and immature way I didn't always want to hear about God. But she allowed me to tell her, "Mom, I just need you to listen without quoting scripture to me...can you just listen and not offer any advice when I am ready I will ask for the advice." And usually because I wanted to follow God I would either look things up on my own or go back to her and say okay what does God say about this. But knowing I could just share my problems and thoughts and fears with her, and she would listen and just hug me or offer a snack...and wait me out for wanting advice was such a safe place to have at home.

I haven't done it with my teens yet...but I hope I offer then the safe haven my mom did for me. I still need to read up on tween/teen boy behavior (got the girl stuff).

Big HUGS to you!!

I have older kids. It is not easy !

I was thinkinking about your question and I have enough experience to say that it is hormomal, but, I think there is more to the story:

I have to say that it is easier for kids today to be more grumpy. I never complained, moaned or grumped to my parents like my kids do.

Tweens today will argue back at a parent, too. I was never aloud to do that.
Tweens today are walking around w/ adult gadgets and have access to too many things. So, I think part of this is because of the here and now.

With that being said, I pray alot, I keep my kids busy w/ supervised get togethers, they HAVE chores, and I have a few rules that I am firm about.
At the same time, I try to keep neutral, talk about feelings and smile alot.

Here's what I've learned to do with my tween.

-when she's in a 'mood' I don't offer much advice/direction. I become a sounding board. If she says "school sucks" I'll say "I'm so sorry you had a bad today, that sounds awful". Usually, this prompts her to continue to tell me what happened. But sometimes, she just wants a little quiet. I'll make her a snack and find something to distract her- ask her to play a game or watch a show with me, even take a walk. Don't let him get into the habit of holing up in his room away from everyone. Sometimes he may need a little space, but try to keep him involved around the house.

-I save the advice giving for when things are going well, or on a predictable basis. We have a mother daughter daily devotional that we both love. It brings up topics that will naturally come up, but she can't blame me for being nosey or reactive, it's in the book!! Hopefully they have a book like that for boys, or at least for gender neutral topics. Try to find something like that.

-Keep him busy. I find that when my daughter has a predictable flow of things to do, she doesn't have enough time to mope. I don't keep her swamped every second, she needs some down time, but I do keep her engaged in activities.

-If he's in sports and other things, great. If not, maybe find a youth group to keep him busy and meet new friends? My daughter plays sports and that is a great outlet. But not everyone is athletic, they just need another way to connect with other kids.

Good luck. This too shall pass (and then they become teenagers!!).

As a mom of 3 (ages 20, 17 and 14) I can tell you this:
you accept it.
Seriously, they are hormonal, moody, irritable and sour, a LOT of the time, and trying to make it better just makes it worse.
Don't try to keep a "happy face" on, be honest, your kids can see right through you. When you get angry and frustrated with their attitude, let them know it and then leave them alone. They need a lot of space right now, they aren't little kids anymore, and part of growing up is you letting them feel those feelings, both good and bad.
Do the best you can to be positive and cheerful but don't expect them to follow your lead every time, they're at a different place and on a much different journey than you. It's perfectly natural for them NOT to see things the same way.
Don't you remember being 11 or 12 and feeling like your life was absolutely RUINED over something you can now look back on and see was nothing? It's the same thing. Of COURSE they think life is "that bad" they haven't experienced very much yet, it takes years to appreciate how good life is. Some adults never figure it out!

I have a daughter that is in her 30's, I have over 13 years in childcare and the school age kids were the ones I worked with the most, I was a nanny for 4 years for a family with 7 kids and most of them were tweens by the time I quit working for them, and I have one grandchild I am raising and she's starting this phase.

Since you have my resume am I allowed to answer your question?

The mom I was a nanny for was a masters degree professor of nursing. Sometimes her kids came home from school and they were in horrible moods.

She had a remedy! When I talked to the mom she told me to give the cranky kids either a half or a whole Midol as soon as they walked in the door. I can honestly tell you that I had some super cranky kids walk through that door but within half an hour they were happier, playing games, doing homework, and talking about what happened during their day that pissed them off.

Medication like Midol has meds in it that effect the body going through changes, be it hormonal, swelling, irritable, etc....it was like a magic pill.

Kids take out their frustrations on their "safe" people. Those they know they can let loose on and know they'll still be loved and forgiven. They don't have anyone else so they need us to just be there while they vent.

When my eldest daughter was 10, 11, and 12 she turned into an alien from Rigel 7. She was the most grumpy, hormonal, negative, low-self-esteem tween ever.

We kept up with positive reinforcement, positive discipline, moderate encouragement, allowing visits for her with my psychiatrist when she asked for them or when I felt she would benefit, eliminating aggravating factors in her diet, addressing ADHD, giving her more social time with friends, giving her more responsibility and trust, holding her accountable for her actions and words, treating her less like a little child, etc.

We still do now that she's 13 years old (a whole week already). She's starting to normalize and getting used to the hormones. She's maturing in her attitudes and how she handles situations. She's finding herself and enjoying responsibility and seeing what it gets her. :-) It took a while to get here, and we're still working on it, but we just don't give up.

Let them be kids, they have to work through some of it on their own. I know it's a parental instinct to save them from the world. But we can't all the time.
Keep talking, even when they don't want to talk, keep the communication open or at the very least make sure they know it's open.

Credentials: 24, 19, 13, 13, 7 yr olds between my wife and I.

Tweens and teens can be real challenges. My son started getting moody around 11 or so, and his teen years were turbulent and challenging until he left for college (now at 24 he's an absolute doll). It can be hard to get boys to open up about what's going on in their lives. By the time they hit high school, you're lucky if you can get a grunt as a reply half of the time! However, I found that if I made a point of sharing an activity with my son that he enjoyed, like playing a two person video game, listening to "his" music, etc., I could usually (but not always) get him to engage in casual conversation that eventually led to figuring out what was going on in his life. Rather than offering advice (which was never accepted, anyway!), I'd try to get him to think aloud about how he could handle things himself. Although it took me a while, I learned it was rarely helpful for me to step in and try to "fix" anything -- it usually made matters worse. He would eventually find a way to solve his own problems. The one exception to this was when he was being bullied in middle school. It became clear that parental interaction (between me and the other child's parents) was necessary to solve the problem, so we got together and helped the boys work through their issues.

One thing we insisted on, however, was that no matter what was bugging him, physical responses, like hitting or kicking people, were totally unacceptable. He could take out his aggression on a pillow or by pounding nails into a board, but threatening another person (like his little sister) was punishable by loss of privileges. We also made sure he participated in Boy Scouts as a character-building system and as a way to have adult guidance that didn't come from us. Tweens and teens will sometimes relate better to an unrelated adult than to their parents, and some of the older boys in the troop also served as good mentors. As he got older, he learned to become a mentor to younger boys, and that definitely helped with his demeanor as well.

Good luck -- you will get through this, as will your son!

I have three adult children and eight grandchildren from 17 - 6. I think I meet the criteria for answering your question.

I don't think it's helpful to anyone for you to try to make them happy all the time. And running around with a smile pasted on your face is not helpful either. It's unrealistic and your kids will see through that and then not trust you at all because as far as they can see, you don't live in the real world.

I think it's best to be the sounding board, as another poster suggested. When they complain, give them emotional support - "I'm sorry that happened" or "I'm sorry you were made to feel that way" or something along those lines. You're not feeding into their grumpiness, but you are letting them know that you hear them and are there for them.

They'll figure out that life isn't that bad on their own AFTER they have experienced some of what life has to offer.