My daughter is 7.5 years old, in 2nd grade, and we live in a nice neighborhood whereat this you can start feeling more comfortable letting them play outside independently and not feel like you need to supervise them every minute (or at least I do!). The family across the street has a daughter who just turned 9 and is in 3rd grade. Both girls go to the same school and because it happens to be a private school with no bus service, we take turns car pooling. The girls also sometimes play together, but while my daughter thinks of "Amelia" as her best friend, "Amelia" is only willing to play with my daughter when she has nothing better to do and no other friends over.
There is another girl in the neighborhood, also in 2nd grade, and turning 8 soon, "Maya". Maya lives right around the corner and goes to the local public school. Maya and Ameila became best buds when they ended up playing on the same softball team together last year and they spend a lot of weekends playing at each other's houses, and zipping around the neighborhood on their bikes and scooters. Maya and my daughter have also played together and gotten along fine when Ameila is not around. Problem is, when it is Amelia and Maya together, they never want to include my daughter in their playing. They will playing outside right across the street from us and won't bother to ask my daughter to join in, even if she is outside herself. If DD tries to go over and join in on her own, Maya has told her she doesn't want to play with her, she just wants to play with Amelia. They often will take off on their scooters, or bikes (when DD hasn't mastered the scooter yet and still hasn't learned to ride a bike without training wheels), and leave my daughter in the dust. This just happened again yesterday afternoon and naturally, DD's feelings are really hurt by this. She said when she goes over to try to play with them, they just start whispering to each other like they don't want DD to hear what they are saying.
I am really looking for the best way to handle this. There really are not any other girls in the neighborhood the same age for her to play with but she has a lot of friends at school. Unfortuantely, they all live elsewhere. I know it's hard sometimes for 3 kids to play nicely together but I know my daughter usually makes an effort to include everyone and instead she's always the one made to feel left out. I know both of the girls' moms but they are usually inside doing their own thing and not really paying attention or aware of what their daughters are up to. I am friendly with them but not really sure how it would come across if I tried to talk to either of them about their daughters are treating my daughter. I also understand that sometimes 2 kids just want to play together with each other and not wanting to include someone else doesn't make them awful kids but I feel sad for my daughter when she can't understand why they would be like that to her. I was also a kid growing up who wasn't always included in what the other kids were doing so that makes it hard for me too.
Of course, often when DD has been playing with them, something happens that causes her to start crying or have some kind of a meltdown. Like a bee flying around her, or once when I told DD she had to be done playing and come inside because it was time for dinner and she didn't want to be done playing. So I am sure it doesn't help that these other girls think DD is some kind of "cry baby" and Amelia in particular has always acted "older" and more mature in comparison to my daughter. What can I tell my daughter to help her not feel so hurt when she is left out by the other 2 girls?
Well, they are not the same age and in elementary school, one year can make a big difference. Even if they were the same age, you couldn't force them to be friends. There are tons of kids on my small street that are all the same ages as my kids and they rarely all play together.
Plus, the crying thing is not okay. My kids hate to be around kids who cry over small things- it makes them feel like they are playing with babies.
If there aren't any girls in the neighbourhood for her to play with then she needs to phone her friends from out of the neighbourhood and invite them over to play. If need be, offer to pick them up or drive them home.
Tell your daughter that sometimes older kids don't like playing with younger kids. It's not very nice or fair, but it happens. If these girls don't want to play or be friends then she can invite her other friends to play.
She needs to hang out with her own friends.
This whole post is worded that my daughter is a victim of these girls with an occasional, I know they don't have to play with her. Well if you keep having an attitude that they should play with her but keep saying you know they don't have to play with her I can imagine the signals you are giving your daughter.
This is very simple, oh, they already have plans, how about we call some of your friends from school and see who can come over. The only reason this is so complicated for her is you really believe these girls should play with your daughter anytime she wants and should not upset her.
she's not only younger, she's the third wheel. there's no fixing it, really. i'd handle it with brisk sympathy, but not too much of it. the crying and neediness won't help with these girls, nor with any other future relationships of any sort.
'are maya and amelia doing their own thing again? sorry, honey, i know it hurts your feelings. but sometimes you have to take friends on their own terms, and with maya and amelia that means you either need to accept that you can only play with them one-on-one, or not be friends with them at all. it's totally your choice which one you pick. shall we make a batch of cookies?'
don't encourage the sniveling, or bash the other girls. it's not anyone's fault. this is a Life Lesson.
ETA the carpooling really doesn't factor in at all. we carpooled with a neighbor during my son's private school stint. the two boys didn't like each other at all. so what? we weren't carpooling so they'd be friends, we were doing it for the convenience of the parents. the boys were civil and pleasant to each other during the car rides, and didn't bother with each other outside the vehicles. no problem.
khairete
S.
I think Beaver Canoe is bang on here.
When stuff like this happens to us, I try not to take it personally. Instead, I try to focus on what would be a better fit for us. Instead of taking this as the only option, I think your daughter would find a truer friend perhaps from one of her school friends you mention.
I know it's hard. But instead of being reactive here to this situation (which does sound hard) I think being proactive and finding her some really good little pals (her age, her interests, more in common, better suited..) would be more productive. And more positive overall.
Good luck :)
** by this summer, when she's up on her bike etc. and able to take off, she may find it works itself out quite a bit. Something as small as that can make a big difference at that age
Those girls are older than her and and are not her friends. You can't ever force them to be nice and include your daughter, so talking to their parents is not going to do any good. I think you should instead have your daughter invite over one of her friends to play on the weekends. We do this a lot, and it eventually leads to the other family inviting over your child to their house in return. It will keep your daughter occupied with someone who IS a friend and it will strengthen her school friendships. Have a talk with her about how real friends behave. When those older girls whisper in front of her or don't include her they are not being nice and she is to walk away and not give them her time. I had a similar situation in our old house. There were older boys that at first would play with my son. But once they got about a year older they no longer ever wanted to play with him...he was just too young and immature compared to them. I just encouraged my son to play with other kids and we invited over his friends a LOT. He eventually got it and stopped trying to force a friendship with the older boys.
Neighbors are just that. Neighbors. They aren't necessarily friends. I know, it would be nice, because they are relatively close in age, but even I remember this sort of thing, growing up as a girl in semi rural Iowa. I tried to, and sometimes got along with the kids who happened to live nearby, but it didn't always work out.
Just do what I did with my own kids and start focusing on your own daughter's ACTUAL friends. Yes, it takes some effort (we basically had zero kids in our neighborhood when my kids were little so I get how frustrating it can be, you actually have to arrange/schedule play dates.) But really, can you imagine being forced to spend your precious, valuable social time with people you have nothing in common with just because your offices happened to be next door to each other?
Do unto your daughter as you would to unto yourself is my advice.
Neither Amelia nor Maya sound very mature, actually. They seem rather petty and mean. (This makes me really glad for our neighbor kids, who all play together nicely, regardless of age!) I'd tell DD that Amelia and Maya don't seem like very good friends, because friends don't try to exclude other friends like that, and that it's better to play with people who are true friends. Are there any boys in your neighborhood that DD can play with? If not, you should make an extra effort to set up play dates with DD's school friends, even if that means you go pick up the friend and drive them back home afterward.
I've found with my own kids that when they have toxic "friends", it's almost never worth trying to make them play with these "friends", nor to try and find a strategy for them to get along. As an adult, you wouldn't voluntarily hang out with someone who did things like that, so really, it's unfair to expect kids to, simply because they lack the transportation to go hang out with their actual friends by themselves.
Kids in our neighborhood are good about mixing ages so it could also be a personality clash and these two girls just like to play alone. I'd be honest with my daughter. Tell her some kids get like that. She can't change them and she can play when they want but not expect to all the time. Or she can choose to not play at all bc they aren't always nice. Tell her a story from when you were a kid and some girls did this to you so you went and played with other friends. It took me a long time to learn I can only control myself. I wish my mom had taught me that a lot younger so maybe teach your daughter now. Or start to. Sometimes kids aren't that nice and sounds like these girls aren't always. There were two girls like that when I was growing up. Just bad luck but it's also their right to not want to play with your daughter. She is younger. So try to have her friends over. I host tons of play dates. Not always fun to organize but just part of my job. You've written she goes to aftercare so it's only weekends you have to deal with.
Beaver Canoe is right. Time for play dates with her friends from school, or from her other activities if she has them. If she doesn't -- maybe she needs some activities. I say this all the time on here: Neighborhood "friends" are OK and can become deeper friends, but mostly, lasting friendships come out of shared interests and shared experiences, to me, and not just out of the proximity of living near each other. If there are girls you know your daughter talks about from school, get in touch with their parents and start having play dates.
At these ages (of all three girls involved) there can be a pretty big gap in maturity and interests and social skills among girls. A third grader who's 9 may indeed see your sometimes teary and emotional second grader, still half a year from eight, as too young to be interesting. Those age differences are nothing to an adult or even an older kid, but to early elementary kids -- especially ones who are just, by personality, "older" acting, like the one girl you describe -- these small age differences do create big gaps.
Yes, the other girls are rude and wrong to whisper in front of your child as they do, to leave her in the dust (I'll wager they know perfectly well she can't keep up) and so on. Not nice. It's fine to tell your daughter that it's not nice, but add that real friends do not act that way, and it is perfectly fine if she just turns around and leaves when they do that.
Some parents carp about play dates, setting them up, having to be in touch with other parents about them, etc. as if they're a huge hassle, but I hope you won't go there. It is not micromanaging to start having some play dates with school or activity friends. Many kids are so excited if a parent says, "Ask Sally from school to come over here and play." And yes, you have to make that happen for a long while to come since your child is quite a few years away from calling friends on her own and setting it up--you still have to be chauffeur, check with friends' parents on schedules, etc. Nothing wrong with that. And nothing wrong with bowing out of the neighborhood thing if it is making your kid unhappy -- she is truly not obliged to get out there and "work it out yourself" when the others are not amenable and see nothing to work out. They're tight. She's not, but wants to be. There isn't a friendship here to "work out," which your daughter won't see at first, but you just keep steering her more toward real friends she likes from the rest of her life.
The carpooling aspect makes things a bit tougher. If you really must carpool with Amelia, fine, and that's where your daughter will learn to deal with it better. But she won't care as much if she's got the previous weekend's play date to talk about with you while you're driving them to school.
Sounds like the other girls would rather play with each other. It also seems that your daughter is behaviorally immature and will need to work on areas of concern. Better to just have her friends come over then keep pushing the other girls to play with your daughter.
It happens all too often, but do we find ourselves acting like this from time to time? I would probably waive at my neighbor if I had other company over. A brief hello is about all she would get, to be honest.
Second grade was a pretty tough year, as well as the beginning of 3rd. It seemed to me, my daughter had similar complaints. I just told her, when someone whispers around you, it is impolite and you should leave.
Sometimes an older child will be a bit more controlling. It may be her only oportunity to be the one in control of a situation. I'm not saying it is right, but at 9/10 years old, they have a lot to learn about manners.
I often correct the "bestie" title. I always tell my daughter to have a bestie leaves someone out and that will hurt their feelings. A bestie is not necessary since they are all your friends. I think the entire 3rd grade class has already been through the, "So and so were besties and they got in a fight and so and so was crying". My comment, if it didn't involve you, stay out of it.
One day Maya and Amelia will get in a fight similar to the above. You will know because they will dump their story on your little one.
Solve the scooter and bike problem. Teach your daughter to ride her bike. If she wants to learn bad enough, she will try and try until she gets it.
I would avoid getting parents involved. Teach your daughter what will help her and let them work it out. They will.
If a bee makes your daughter cry, then it is likely time to call her in the house. Give her time to grow on her own, she will.
You nailed it already.
Your daughter is too old to be crying in front of same age or older kids no matter what happened. She needs to learn better social skills. My kids couldn't stand a 'cry baby' playdate.
Your daughter seems a bit old not to be riding her own bike. My kids learned to ride their regular bike without training wheels in KG, so by the age of 5-ish? Perhaps that is a bit young for most, bu all their friends rode bikes around the neighborhood by the end of 1st grade.
Start inviting other girlfriends over so that your daughter is not entirely focused on these 2 girls.
And always treat them nicely, even if your daughter has been left out temporarily. Send some candy or treats over the next time they are outside together to help establish a happier environment.
If this pattern continues and appears to gain momentum after making an improved attempt, I would politely talk to the moms of the kids and mention how uncomfortable it is when just one girl is left out. And if it were their daughter on the outs, they would also wish the girls could learn to get along.
I hate to say it but honestly it sounds like they just don't like your daughter that much. One is also in 2nd grade so the age difference shouldn't be a big deal. She may be less mature though and while some kids don't mind that, some only want to be friends with kids just like them. I notice that with my girls. One of mine will play with all sorts of ages no problem. She floats in her maturity I think based on who she is with. My other seems to have a very narrow band of who she wants to play with and it seems they're almost always the same age as her. One is a year older but she's not so great with a year younger. I don't force her. I suggest she try and play with a girl who comes by the house but she'd rather be alone. Maya and Amelia really click and want to play together. It's a shame for your daughter but just how they are. I'd explain that to her. Say they aren't really friends and that stinks but she has lots of other friends and you will invite them over. At least it's not 8 girls in the neighborhood who all play together and your daughter is the only one who they won't let join in. I know sometimes I'm with a good friend and I don't want the other mom who I only so-so like to join in. Of course I'm an adult and will be nice but doesn't make me a bad person that I just want to chat with the mom/friend I really click with. And if Amelia and Maya don't go to the same school, they likely don't get a lot of time together. So they want the time they do get to be just them or just not your daughter with them. I'd just really try to discourage your daughter from trying to join in. Friendships in our neighborhood have changed with time too. It's natural. I would try to get your daughter comfortable on a 2 wheeler though. She's definitely old enough. Same for a scooter. I'd start with the scooter bc it teaches balance and makes a bike easier. 2nd grade is old to not be able to ride a scooter. So make that a project to keep her busy!
First, a big hug to your kid because I know what its like and so does my daughter.
Now, you must let her know that not everyone will want to be her friend and that as she gets older she will not want to be friends with everyone else. That's just how life is and we know that.
I suggest that she invite friends from school, I am sure she has a bff there. I would use this to let her that she doesn't have to settle on playing with kids that treat her badly. I am sure the other kids from school would love to come over and vise versa.
We live in the country and our neighbors do not have children my daughters age (8). So she looks forward to having friends over or getting invited to friends houses.
This post (along with some previous posts about your DD) lead me to believe that 1. You need to disengage and 2. DD needs to toughen up a bit.
I'm sure it's hard to watch/see but SHE needs to handle this
Encourage her to invite another friend over that DOES like/get along with her.
Neighborhood friends are great, but proximity does not seal the fate of a friendship!
There is obviously a big gap in maturity between the girls. Your daughter doesn't ride a bike yet which is a big barrier to her fitting in. Crying because of a bee is another.
She doesn't seem to have the social skills to fit in with these girls and I have to wonder why you want her to so badly. These girls may always be a step "ahead" and they are just a couple of years from middle school. Do you want your daughter trying to keep up with the neighbor girl then?
Help your daughter cultivate friends that are true friends. Let her grow up at her own pace and realize that life is not "all inclusive" or always exactly the way you want it to be. Help her to feel confident and strong in not letting this bother her. That means you have to stop feeding it and move on. There is no way to "handle this" just let it be.
Ugh, this is so crappy. Fortunately, none of my kids are ever left out so far...knock on wood...and ALSO, I make sure they never leave anyone out! We talk all the time about how not to be mean and leave people out. I learned from some of my cousins with huge families to ask the question, "Hey, is ____having fun?" when they see a kid being left out, and then the other kids know to reach out to that child..And if I'm out around various people, I include people in my line of sight in my conversaton, introduce myself, bring them into the conversation... I thinks it's horrible when parents are OK with this personally. It's normal for kids to do it, but terrible and rude.
Unfortunately, the only ones who could change this would be the parents of the girls doing it, and it's not easy to ask them for that. So. I guess just tell our daughter not to let it get her down. People are jerks. Sorry :( To be honest, if two neighbor girls were hurting my daughters feelings that way, I'd probably say to them, all cheerful, "Hey, can Lulu come play?" I mean, what are they going to say to you? No? They're doing this because they can. If you confront it they may shape up...
I get it. My 12 yo son went through this and after trying a few things, sadly he just stays in now or has friends from school or church come over. Maybe try going out yourself to the other girls and say, hey, my kid wants to play, will you guys be nice and include her? If that doesn't help, then get numbers of moms of the kids at school and plan to have them over. But I get how nice it is to have the kids all just get along and play together but that isn't always reality. It was like that at our old house but not at this house but we have figured it out. I hope you do too. .Good luck.
This year it might be an issue, but next year it might be fine. My kids have gone through similar situations with the neighbors. One day they aren't playing much and then they decide they are all best friends. I'd let it go, invite some other kids over to play more often with your daughter and see what happens with the neighbors. I don't think I'd be encouraging play dates with the other girls anyway...they don't sound very nice to me.
Please don't get into it or get the other parents into it. All that will do is piss off the other girls and make them dislike your kid even more.
You can't MAKE people be friends.
I was the odd kid out a lot of times. growing up. I learned to play by myself.
