Friend Really Let Me Down

People are very casual nowdays and I'm not sure that they understand that it is impolite to RSVP for a special event like a baby shower and not show up or understand the consequence of being a no-show (unnecessary cost, letting friends and family down), especially if you have never been the one who has hosted a party such as this.

Your SIL's college friends may just be extremely young and immature (and not very good friends after all). Your family friend and girlfriend, well, that was really uncool what they did. What was there excuse for RSVP'ing and not showing up? Did they inadvertently accept two inventations and forgot about your event? Or did they just have a change of mind and never bothered to let you know that was the case? In any event, when you get together with your friend for lunch -- after you have had a chance to cool down and put everything in perspective -- you may want to be honest with her and tell her all that had happened and point blank ask her, "What happened? Why didn't you call me to cancel your RSVP?" And just simply and gently tell her that it would have been nice if she had told you of her change of plans so that you would have known what to expect and wouldn't have purchased as much food and party supplies.

I'm sorry that you and your SIL had this experience. I hope that you are able to resolve this with your friend and move on from here.

Hi J.,
You might try writing a letter to your friend first that you have no intention of really giving to her. See if that helps you sort through your feelings. If she has never done anything like this before, you may not want to make too big of a deal over it. But that is pretty rude not to let you know she wasn't coming.
That was really a sad thing. But it sounds like you stayed very positive. Your SIL is very lucky to have you!
Victoria

Wow how upsetting. I would be upset too. Stepping back will help you look at things more clearly, maybe in a few days. I do not know the answer but I have learned a few things from disappointments. I have learned that circumstances in our lives cloud our thinking. If everyone else showed up you might be more understanding to your friend’s situation. It might not bother at all. If your friend knew that people would no show, she might have made sure she was there for you. I am sad for you because that is really frustrating. Hope this helps a little

Good friends...are the one's you can be honest with...

One thing I live by is not allowing things that I can't control to control me. The top of that list involves people. People are humans, who make mistakes, forget things, and look out for themselves atleast in some situations. If you allow other people's decisions, lack of maturity, irresponsibilitiness, or any other trait to have an affect on you, you're just giving your self control out. I always tell my kids that you can only expect about half of the people you invite to show up, and if more than that show, then GREAT!! I don't want them to grow up thinking that people's words are set in stone and can always hold them accountable. I have nothing against people, I'm a very social being, but I think that a big part of the reason why I love people so much is BECAUSE I see them for who they are, and don't have automatic expectations set for them. If I'm planning on a friend coming out, like this past Friday when my best friend was supposed to come out with a few of us girls, and they say they're just gonna stay home when I call, then I'm totally fine with that! People change their minds, things come up, things just happen!

So no, I do NOT think you should bring up your being upset to your friend. When she decided not to go to the party, do you think she thought to herself "I'm not going to go to the party so I can make my friend mad" No, of course she didn't. She didn't do it to hurt you or upset you, and although you DID get upset, I think you need to try to see things like I said and keep the control of your emotions in your hands. See, those friends of your sister's that were in college or whatever, I would've completely expected most all of them not to come. At that age, just being tired is enough of a reason to them to not show up. It's all about us when we're in our young twenties. When I have parties in which there's a definite direct food affect if people don't show up, I call the day before and just say "hey, I'm giving the final head count to the caterer, are you definitely going to make it tomorrow?" That way if a few of them say things like "I'm definitely going to try" then you can knock out some of the head count because they're probably just trying to nicely give themselves an out.

College kids... ehhh.. pretty irresponsible self-centered folk, a lot of the time. They may not have ever been party to such a momentous occasion and just didn't "get" what a big thing this was for her. And, they might have been tired or hung over and assumed that everyone else was going, so it was okay for them to miss.

Your friends, same thing. Not the irresponsible part, but they probably assumed that all her college gal pals would show and they'd be the ones left feeling a bit awkward. So missing wouldn't be a big deal. I doubt they PLANNED to no-show after saying they would come... but maybe they really did forget what day it was. I have had times in my life when I was so distracted with other things that I would have forgotten something like that COMPLETELY if my hubby hadn't remembered, or one of the kids mention something off hand like "when is that party you were talking about?". OR, maybe they were busy and kept putting off the gift shopping long enough that didn't have it bought by the day of the shower (this is probably more likely... it's happened to me) and had to stop on the way if they were going to come. I have been in some pretty tight time frames trying to buy gift bags and tissue to fit a just bought gift in the car! But maybe they got behind schedule and didn't have time to stop and pick up a gift, so they skipped it all together.. again, thinking that all her college friends would be there so no biggie.

But, I am curious about your comment "this is not the first time something like this has happened.". How so? That you threw a party and no one came, or that your best friend ditched you after saying she would show for something? You probably are more upset because no one showed, than you would be if all her college friends showed up and just your friend didn't. But, is this a pattern of your friendship? If so, then she didn't do anything out of character so you shouldn't be fuming. You knew she had this tendency, and you have never felt the need to call her on it, until now. I would be very careful, if you bring it up to her, that you don't let it spill into areas you don't intend. For her, sounds like it was just the status quo. She won't get why you are SO upset. I think you should take a step back and examine your entire relationship with this woman, and decide if that is the kind of friend you want to have. Are her other qualities sufficiently important to you that you really don't mind her ditching you sometimes? Then don't mention THIS time. If you are fine with that. Then be fine with it. If you are not, then be prepared to lose the friendship, because this will disrupt the entire balance of your relationship. It doesn't mean that you WILL lose her as a friend, but anytime you alter the basic balance it is a possibility. She may not adjust to the "new dynamic" and drop you. So just be prepared for that possibility.

As for you SIL, I'm sorry she didn't have more attendance, but that you guys had to the good sense to enjoy what you had and not sit around being bitter all day and making it all a waste. Like it or not, she just got an eye-opener about parenthood. MOST people in this world aren't going to be looking out for your child's best interests... that is YOUR job. And sometimes it is a lonely place to be. Totally worth it, of course, but she knows who cares about her child now, and it obviously isn't her college friends. Kudos to you for working so hard to give her a nice shower and welcoming your new niece!

I don't have anything to add, you've read all of the posts and moving on - good decision. But I did want to say - what a great SIL YOU are! Your SIL is lucky to have you. Your niece will reap the rewards of having you as an aunt. Thank you for caring...you are a jewel!

It seems lately, no one really has true friends anymore. I think it was a bit of selfishness that you are dealing with regarding your friend. She was being selfish. It seems like women go through certain things sometimes, like they dont want another woman to have the spotlight. Its fine and dandy to do things for her, celebrate with her, have your family members watch her kids but what will she do in return? nothing, not even come to a baby shower.....things do come up but if something came up, did she at least have a gift for her? no, b.c. she had no intentions of celebrating with her. Very mean of her, some people dont know how to "pay it forward" give b.c. people gave to you, or give b.c. in the future you would want people to give to you. You can talk to her about but dont expect an apology, she may not she it as you do and doesnt think she needs to apologize, treat her with a long handled spoon, keep her close but keep her distant at the same time.

It's becoming normal for people to either not rsvp at all or rsvp and then not show up. ok, fine for them. not for the person who is being celebrated.
here is what i would do: if this baby shower was for you then you couldn't really say something. this was not your baby shower, but it was for your SIL, therefore you are entitled (without taking it personally) to say to your friend and the other family member that you don't understand why would they say yes they're coming and not show up or make a courtesy call but rather putting you in situation to call and see if they're coming. i love the 'how would you feel if this had happened to you? sitting there all pregnant, waiting for people come to your baby shower, and having to go through the discomfort of people having to call people.'
common courtesy is gone, and doesn't look like it's coming back. yet there are still a few of us who will still try to hold you responsible.
good luck

J. B,

I know and understand what you are going through, sometimes friends are difficult to both trust and rely on them, some friend feel bad and jealous when you are having some thing good and they wont show you that they are not happy for you but the keep on cheering for in disguise.

J. b please !dont skip your friends lunch may be she had her own reasons why she didnt come and its bad to revenge or if you can talk about it with them that would be fine and this will make them realise that you were hurt and the will apologize and you go back to normal.

I wouldn't make a big deal about it. They really are not her friends, but yours. It is really your SIL's friends that you should be disappointed with, not yours. I think that is what you are really upset with. Maybe you just wanted someone to complain about the SIL's friends with and wished she was there, I would!

While I feel like they should have told you if their plans changed, they are under no obligation to come to any shower. If the girls own friends don't come, why should yours?

I don't buy any excuses for not RSVP'ing or for just not showing up when you've said you would be at an event! It's completely CLASSLESS! When someone gets sick -that's understandable -we all have times when we get sick or a kid gets sick, but this sounds like a bunch of ill-mannered people. If this is a pattern with your friend, the next time I invited her to something requiring an RSVP, I would just say, "Are you REALLY coming, because I have to pay a certain amount per person, and if you just decide not to show up, it creates a problem." Basically when people act like this it speaks volumes about them and loudly states that they were NOT "raised right." As you can probably tell, I don't mind letting folks know it. If I've taken the time and money and effort to do something, and someone is so rude they can't appreciate that, then I usually don't have a lot of time for them in my life anymore.

Strange that NONE of your SILs friends would come...
As for your "good friend", try to cool off, but keep the lunch date and then talk to her, like, "I really would like to understand why you RSVPd yes to a party and then ditched without calling. I felt really let down."
See what she has to say. You will know if she gives a damn or not, and then you you will know the future of your friendship.
But keep in mind it isn't really about the money/caterer (unless she KNEW that there was a caterer--but many showers are just cookies, no big deal), it is about the courtesy and commitment she made....it's about being mature and respectful of others.

I think you gave yourself your own answer when you said....
"We ended up just having a party with our immediate family and did have lots of fun regardless because I refused to let these things prevent us from celebrating my new niece"
I am sure that your SIL felt badly that not one of her "friends" showed up from college but maybe they weren't the friends that she thought they were!! As for your friends that you invited because " they had met her"...I would not be enthusiastic about being invited to a baby shower for someone that I barely knew!! With the economy the way it is nowdays I can't afford to spend money on a gift for someone who doesn't really even know me! I am sorry but I think you overstepped by inviting them, and really put them on the spot. Now I am not excusing the fact that they rsvp'd that they would attend and then didn't come but I think it was an uncomfortable situation for them in the first place.
I would forget it, the party is over, the expectant Mom had a good time and so did everyone else that attended. Just learn from this and do it differently the next time you plan an event. (My middle daughter returned home after being gone for 10 years, pregnant and didn't really have any friends left here in town. We chose NOT to try and have a baby shower for her, I didn't want to put the people that were friends of MINE and had known her for years on the spot by inviting them to a shower that they would have felt obligated to attend) The idea of a baby shower is NOT the gifts, it is everyone coming together to celebrate a new life!!! You did that!!!

I am so sorry your planned party did not turn out the way it was planned. I hope SIL's feelings were not hurt? I would be concerned about her feelings, the party was for her. Just show her as much love and support as you can, and try to let go of the bad feelings you have for her friends and your flaky friend. Being angry about it hurts one person----you. I am not saying what they did was right or ok. It wasn't. But the important one is your sister in law and her new baby. Just continue to shower her with love and be the supportive person you are for her. As for your friend, I would just casually mention how hurt you were that no one showed up for the shower. She will get it. And if she's a decent friend she will apologise for her own thoughtless offense in this.

You have every reason to be upset! If someone RSVP's then doesnt show, without a call that is extremely rude and disrespectful. Since she is a good friend, I would take your lunch as a chance to calmly confront her about it. Thats just not right. Not only were you let down, but you spent alot of uneccessary money. The same thing happened to me for our wedding, there were quite a few people who RSVP'd then didnt come, or half their party came. And when you're paying $30-40 a head, its very upsetting! Its a matter of courtesy and respect that alot of people dont seem to have these days. I'm glad you all still made the best of it, and supported your SIL anyways! Congrats on your new neice!

I would be upset too. If she is a good enough friend, I would tell her how I felt. I would email if you are afraid that she won't let you get your thoughts out without interrupting. I would tell her that she hurt your feelings but you need to wonder that if everyone else showed up, would you be so upset with her? You are upset b/c this was a bad day for a party and the fact that no one showed up was the most upsetting. I would let it go b/c hopefully the ppl who did not show will at least be nice enough to give your SIL a gift. I know you feel it was a waste of time and money but you did it FOR your SIL and she was there. SHE knows the time and trouble you put in for her. You did a good thing and although you are disappointed in all those that did not show, the thought was not missed.