Friend in Need

Hi Wendy, It sounds to me as if you are in the military. If you have a chain of command, I would suggest asking the next ranking wife or the ombudsman for advice and help. If he wants a divorce, she doesn't really have much choice in that. My only advice to her is to go home, sometimes absence is the best medicine for a marriage. He may realize that he misses her, or he may not, either way, would she really want to be stuck in another country with a man who doesn't want her when she could be home with family that does?

Wendy, I feel for YOU as the friend. Our dear friends, a couple, went through the same thing a decade ago, with the husband walking in the door and announcing he "didn't want to be married anymore," with no earlier indications of unhappiness and a total unwillingness ever to work things out: "That won't change my mind so we're getting divorced." It's devastating to the couple's friends, too, especially if you think you're close to both partners in a couple and find that one of them is nothing like everyone had thought. So take some time to process this for yourself because it will hit you hard too.

Your friend needs to get a good divorce and custody attorney right now. That will be hard for her to consider because she is grieving and hurt and angry, and she may believe they can work it out, but even if they do eventually stay together, she should protect herself and her children right now and get good legal advice from someone experienced with divorce and custody. Her husband may say now that she can have the kids, but he could come back any time and make demands. Getting a lawyer may seem to her to be an admission that everything's over, but she must protect herself, her financial status, her kids and her future alimony or child support money. Going without child support isn't an option --I've seen that too, and it's cheating the children.

Besides helping her get legal help, which may be tougher because you're all overseas, just offer to talk but also provide more concrete help. Offer to take the kids for a few hours so she can get out of the house alone, or so she can see an attorney, or just so she can clear out the husband's stuff without the kids seeing her get upset. If you know what the kids like to eat, tell her you'll bring over food for all of them; maybe organize a rota of meals that you and the other friend bring. She surely doesn't feel like cooking or doing housework right now.

If you just say, "What can we do?" lots of people will say, "oh, that's so nice, but nothing." They hate to ask for help because they already feel helpless. Don't be vague, offer specific help and turn up and do it (unless she is a person who might get offended, as her friend you can figure that out).

I really feel for all of you in this situation I've seen before. I hope she gets good advice and doesn't cling to the idea of getting back together if he truly isn't going to try. Yes, it's good to work it out and she should push for that on the basis of their kids and their history together, but there does come a point when she may have to let it be over to protect her heart as well as her family and finances. Take care.

You mentioned that you live over seas. Are you military? If so, She can ask to see the chaplain for her husbands unit to talk to him. Talking to the chaplain is confidential and they are usually a good resource person too. If she wants for her husband to talk to the chaplain she can ask him to but she can also contact his command and they will sometimes require that the service member get counseling from the chaplain or another source. I would have her get in touch with the chaplain first. they deal with marriage stuff all the time and they should be able to give her good advice on how to proceed in the best interest of her and her children.

Hi Wendy,
I am going under the assumption that both you and your friend are military spouses because you said you are living overseas. If this is the case, most military bases have an excellent family support system in place. I know in the Air Force the First Sergeant is in place to help. Most people think that they are in place only to help the active duty member but that is not the case, they can also help spouses. Beyond that, military chaplains can be of big help as well as the family support center. (my knowledge is only of the Air Force, I know other branches have the same type of system but I am not sure what the official names are for their services) I would suggest you help your friend contact any base chaplain and get some counseling, even if her husband isn't willing to attend a counselling session it will help her to go on her own. Having good friends such as yourself is also going to help her a lot. I've been a military spouse for over 21 years, 12 of which were spent overseas so I know what you're going through. The first step is to get her someone to talk to that can help her figure out whats going on and what the next step is. Getting her husbands First Sergeant involved will also help because he/she can talk to him and maybe find out more about whats going on.

Good luck to both you and your friend.

Wendy,

You stated that you live overseas. Is your friend's husband in the military? If so - there are several agencies that may be able to assist her including ACS (Army Community Service), JAG (Judge Advocate), FRG (Family Readiness Group - this would be a part of her husband's unit), AER (Army Emergency Relief). If your friend's husband is in another branch of the military - (Marine, Navy, Airforce) those branches should have similar resources that your friend can contact. If she does not know how to begin - the military Chaplains at the on base churches can guide her in the right direction. Are the two children from this marriage?
If so and if her husband is military - the children are still entitled to benefits even if the mom and dad divorce.
If the military paid her way overseas - they will pay her way back to the U.S. before the divorce is final.

As far as you helping her - be there for her - she will need a true friend. She will need someone to listen, someone to go to the above places with her (as a second set of ears because she may be too upset to be able to take all the info in). She also will need someone to take care of her children so that she can have the time to get the help she deserves and needs. You can also do "little things" to help her such as prepare a meal for her and the children, offer to drive her places, take her and the children to a park so they can get away from their house,
ask another friend to babysit and then you and this lady with the problems - go out to a movie or just have coffee and talk. Encourage her to contact her family for support.

She is lucky to have found a friend like you. It may be hard to continue this friendship because she will get stressed over her issues but try to remember that she is going through a really tough time. You may not have all the answers she needs but you can help her find those answers and most of all - you can continue to be her friend. She will need her friends.

Wendy first and foremost to GOD be the Glory that you are not leaving her in th loop. Second tell her GOD has her and her children. HE makes no mistakes and if it is time for that season in her life to be over continue to hold her head up and know that GOD has someone better for her and her children. Let her know her first thing is to find a place back at home. Have her start doing things while she is still overseas so when she comes home she has a place for her and her kids rather he comes back or not. If he is in the military he has a responsibility to her and his children and child support and spousal support will take care of. That might not be what she wants to hear but she needs to focus on her and her children. This may sound harsh and no I am not man bashing but men come a dime a dozen we as woman have to know that when one does not want us there is someone else that does. No I do not believe in divorce but I also do not believe in staying somewhere where you are not wanted and are being hurt rather physically or emotionally. She needs to make sure she has all ofhis information, ss#, rank in service commander name all of that. I pray that everything works out and he wakes up to see that he has a good woman but if not let her know she is still a good woman with or without him

GOD BLESS

Hi Wendy,

Are you all in some kind of service?

If you are, they have folks in the service that do marital counseling.

Let everyone take a rest. Get over the shock. If you have a pastor, contact him/her. Don't pursue the guy. Take care of the babies.

Keep your mind occupied and try not to disrupt your schedule for her benefit because you need the strength fof both of you and your family.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Hi Wendy,
If they are a military family the advise given so far is good. I would have her talk to his CO and see if something happened at work(written up, passed over) My husband never left but certainly changed after each deployment so checking that could shed some light. I would also make sure he sets up an allotment to her own bank account so she doesn't have to feel like she is begging for help from him she's entitled to keep their kids fed, clothed and happy without money stressing her.
I know that most spouses keep many things out of their name since we move so much so if your friend has no credit cards have her apply. If she would divorce and have to move the states she needs to have established good credit. She doesn't have to use the card just having it establishes credit. Also depending on the length of service and marriage she could be entitled to half of his retirement. Also leaving the country right now is not a good idea. He is enitled to see his kids and could try to use it against her. I do know that military members can pay a lot of support after a divorce so she would be Ok for awhile.
Hope he is just having an anxiety attack and moves home but she should still get credit and an allotment regardless.

I really hope this is only one day thing and everything will go OK after.
Your friend's husband can NOT leave like this. First, I hope he will calm down and try to work things out in a good manner. But if it's not happening at all... Second, She has to go to a court to file this case to protect the children's future financially. Even if they are divorcing, he still has a responsibility for 2 children whatever the problems between he and your friend. The court will culculate and order some cirtain things like specific amount to give her and so on, to him. Don't just sign a paper to divorcing. If she left the country without filing this case, she should be ready never to get any financial help from him forever. She has to know that, she will raise 2 children all by her self for the next 20 years. ( I just want to make sure she knows that she have to take care childrens future financial support "before" she leaves country!! ) This is a extremely tough time for her, I understand, but she has to be strong for now, she is a mother of 2 children. Hope she will find a way.

GET A LAWYER"S ADVICE: Have her find a divorce lawyer (interview 3 of them). The first meeting is free (or don't go) and take notes. If the lawyers aren't doing any work (researching, writing, etc.), just giving out advice, they will give what good advice they can in the interview time they have...especially if you ask. Keep the one she likes most in her purse (the business card), and follow the advice - immediately.
EXPAND HER NETWORK OF SUPPORT: Have her go to organized children activities at the parks or libraries, etc. in neighborhood area (if possible) and meet other moms who have children the same ages as her's. Support the children to play (don't force, but introduce on to the other), and meet the moms. Some of them will appreciate the contact, then she'll have more friends and people to exchange babysitting and information with, expanding her network of support.

May I suggest that you refer your friend to this website http://gooseysdream.vpweb.com/ I really hope some of these ideas will help here.

J. Fulton

I don't know if you are all military, but shouldn't his commander have some influence over his behavior here in how this is handled. This verges on abandonment in my opinion from your very limited description. I suggest that you have her investigate that route.

Either way, have her get a US lawyer and maybe seek some counseling (being proactive with her own and the kids' mental health will help with issues of custody). Also advicse ehr to make arrangements for a place to stay in the US - her best option may be to just leave - and she should havea safe spot in mind - even if she doesn't nede it for awhile.

PS - I agree wholeheartedly with the previous poster with regard to her needing to protect herself. Maybe they can work it out, but given the approach he has taken here, there will not be and should not be an overnight solution. She needs to protect herself, make sure she is financialy supported, and prepared for a divorce (documenting his behavior with her and the kids). If he comes back to the family, it will have to be on her terms not his after this nonsense. As hard as it is to go down that path, it is the best use of her time. Have her throw herself into protection mode.

if your friend is military this is what she can do. she can start by going to the base family support services. They should be able give her some assistance on what options she has available. He still has to provide support for his family while they are there and until the divorce is complete. Either way he’s going to be paying child support for his children. The military will make sure of that or a court will. He just can’t abandon a SOFA sponsored dependant in a foreign country. Therefore, the best thing she can do is what I stated above. They can help her and the children back home to her relatives or other family without costing her a dime. It’s called early return of dependants (ERD) paperwork. i hope this help

WOw! He's really got her at a disadvantage...to say the least. I don't know if he's with the USG or a private company, but if he continues to refuse to discuss this with her in a mature adult fashion, she will have to go to his Supervisor. They will not take kindly to his abandonment of his dependents on their nickel! This will also serve to get his position "on record" for whatever may be in her future as far as Child support goes. I am a little curious to know what part of the worl you are in. We were posted to Asia and it was the biggest home-wrecking asignment I've ever experienced! Though my marriage survived, MANY in our Embassy did not fare so well...My heart goes out to her.
~A.~

Wendy,

I have seen most of the responses and they all sound great. But if you guys are in the military then things different from branch to branch. If you are Marine Corps specifically please dont think it is the same as ANY OTHER!!! A lot of times the command would rather the wife just leave. We dont have as much family support as the other services. If you need help with ANYTHING or have ANY questions please email me. I am a military wife and former child of Marine. If you guys are not in the military I would just suggest being as emotionally supportive as you can and making sure she gets some kind of support for the children.

E.
____@____.com

If sh has a church family, check to see if the church has a group of other women that have been through the same situation, if not check around.

Other than that for the time pray for her and with her. Help her to make a list of items that she needs to return to her home with, check into how to return home by plane. What information she will need such as a passport, money, etc.

She also needs to believe in herself. God didn't make an trash. She is one of God's lovely creatures. I know how it is to feel like I am no good. Like I can't go on, but the truth is, LET GO, LET GOD. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:8.

I will keep you in my prayers that God will give you the words that she needs to here, and that He will strenthen you. You are such a great friend. She is very fortunate to have you. See God does work miracles. I will also keep her in my prayers as well. She may feel like she can't call on God, but He is always there for us.

God bless each of us.