Fresh Perspective on Dividing an Inheritance with Unusual Circumstances

You would have been best to have claimed that $50,000 as ordinary income, and paid taxes on it. That way it would have been wages for her care and there would have been no ambiguity.

Now there isn't much you can do unless she draws up a will.

We have been through 2 deaths of family now...and the easiest is if it is just split equally....split the debts, split the funeral costs, split the assets....anything that she wants you to specifically have should be gifted before her death. Anything else just results in complications and argument and family rift.

Speak to an attorney NOW. You need legal advice in the worst way if you are to come out of this in any equitable way. Best of luck to you!

Without a will, Texas intestate law states that all of her property will pass to her children IN EQUAL SHARES. That means that unless your brother wants to sue you over the $50,000, (to which you can respond by suing him for half the cost of caring for mom) you get half of her property.

So, it's really a non-issue, right?

In addition to that, I fail to see the $50,000 as a portion of your inheritance considering it has to be paid back, yes? It's a loan. Or am I not getting something there?

If your mother dies without a will, you have to go to probate court for distribution of assets. Depending on what the law is in Texas, the court will most likely split the estate 50/50. That does not include whatever funds your mom put in your house.

Why not consult an attorney?

Set an appointment with a lawyer and take M. with you. Have the lawyer show her exactly what will happen to her estate if she dies without making plans in writing. She might think it will all be divided between you kids, and eveyone will be happy. She will find out how much of her estate will go to the state first. And whats left might be hard to keep after paying taxes on it. She needs to have money set aside for her funeral and burial also. Show her what it will cost if she doesnt plan ahead. Shes old and comes from a generation where they had family take care of things and shes still thinking it will all be just fine. Life (and death) arent like that anymore. She needs to decide how much, of what, she gives you each. And if after all the years and dollars of help you have given she decides to split her estate equal, then thats her right. She will most likely think that will keep either of you from having hard feelings, and Id hope so. You wont like if he gets the same and he wont like if you get more, and the fight starts. So, no matter how much you have done for her, be grateful to have what she gives you, and stay friends with your brother after M. is gone. He will most likely missmanage his estate and retirement and youll end up in charge of his old age care too. You can do whatever with him then,,lol Im kidding, but you can always dream cant ya?

you need to take her and get a power of attorney and will.
your brother is a selfish turd, like many of the lazy siblings.
no, the house addition was for HER benefit.
I pay $4,000 for a room at assisted living for my relative. This does not include everything and it is not a nursing home.

Attorney. Are you the Beneficiary? Power of Attorney? If not, I would discuss this with your mother. In any case, situation, or medical need that arises that your mother cannot speak for herself, it is wise to have someone represent them. This person also would be in charge of their estate, assets, will, distribution of funds,etc. I know that she probably does not want to think or discuss this, but, if you and your brother are already arguing about it, I see a terrible future for all of you. It's a nasty situation when wills come up, and siblings, or other relatives argue over who gets what. If you are, then contact a lawyer, and have them discuss setting up her will and testaments.

I had a huge fight with my father about his desire to have his third wife be his power of attorney, and the fact that EVERYTHING is in her name. This include his medical practice, property, land rights, home, finances, etc... However, I have accepted that now, and realize that if my father chooses her, then he doesn't really care about how that effects me or my two brothers. In the end, I would rather have a relationship with my father, then worry about what I end up with after he is gone. Regardless of what I have done, or continue to do for him.

Get, an Attorney.

And, bear in mind, that he may 'accuse' you of trying to brainwash your Mom... to side with you, if ever your Mom, gives you her things and not him.

Your sibling, is already bearing his jealousy. And, making issues of what he should get over you. And Your Mom is not even, dead.

Get a lawyer now. If there is no will then things will bet split 50/50 more than likely, but your brother may be able to use that $50,000 to lessen what you get. Keep working on your mom to set up a will that will be fare. Stress to her how it will keep you and your brother from fighting.

I have a question you may or may not have considered... what happens with the $50,000 home equity loan your mom took out? Does that mean that your home is encumbered by that debt? IF you needed/wanted/tried to sell your home, are you going to get stuck by your mom not signing off or by her lender (if the debt isn't paid off when she passes) requiring payment? If she has life insurance, will that debt be paid before the remainder of the "estate" is settled--and will your brother ask you to buy him out of "his share" of YOUR HOME?
There is a lot that could potentially go on in this situation and I think you would protect yourself the best by going over all this with an attorney. And yes I mean protect yourself, not protect "your inheritance". Sounds like a lot of sticky stuff that you need professional guidance to sort through. After you meet with someone, try to get your mom to go meet with someone as well. Tell her it is just to get her "informed" about what will happen when she passes... I'm sure she doesn't want to think about that (that's why she hasn't done it already) but it is very selfish on her part to leave you in such a mess of paperwork with your own home possibly tied up in it.
I wish you well...

Your and your brother's opinions on what your inheritances should be after your mother passes away are both moot points. It's what your MOTHER believes your inheritances should be, if any, that matters. I can't believe that the two of you are fighting over this right now and that this is an issue. Neither of you deserves that inheritance more than the other. Frankly I think your mother should donate it all to charity. What I find appalling is that your mother is still alive and you're fighting with your brother rather than trying to enjoy your mother's company in the time she has left.

The way you're coming off in this post, it sounds like you did all of these things for your mother for the payoff in the end and not because you're "a giver." Or that you did it because your brother wouldn't and you were stuck with the job. The fact is that as the daughter, you were socially more expected to be the one to care for your aging, sick mother. That's just how it is. It may not be fair but that's how many cultures are. I see it in my husband's family (Italian) and I see it in my father's family (Italian). The women are the caretakers. On my mother's side )French) it's still the same thing. The women take care of the sick and the elderly. The men don't do a thing except boss everyone around and take the credit unless they're the only child or it's a group of male siblings and no sisters. In fact, my grandmother has three sons and do you think my dad and his brothers are sitting down to talk with my elderly, ailing grandparents about palliative care? NO, it's up to me. I'm the one who has to call them every two days to make sure everything is all right.

Rather than fight with your brother, get a lawyer to sit down with your mother to go through her finances and to get things in order and explain things to her step by step. Sit down WITH your brother rather than excluding him and causing a needless rift in the family over money and things. As long as your mother's funeral costs and bills are paid for in the end, and you both have photos to share of her, the rest is fluff.

I think some people were out of line with their criticisms. This must be handled now and there are real legal and financial issues that your mother needs to address. You need to have a sit down with mom and let her know what havoc might occur if she does not set out in legal writing what HER wishes are.

The $50 grand she "invested" in your house is a debt not an asset at this point and if she dies it does NOT vanish. It is not about getting "paid" it is about her being responsible for her affairs and the impact they will have on you both when she dies.

You need to get a lawyer...

Your mom needs to pull her head out of the sand and let her wishes be known...doesn't matter how old or young one is - they should have a will ready because you just never know...

You need to have your mom give you power of attorney over her and her estate...yeah - your brother will be ticked but you are doing the care taking. The power of attorney will cover your butt and allow you to do things for your mother...

She needs to understand this isn't a "fight" - this is what you need to know in the event of her death - does she want to be cremated or buried? where does she want to be buried? what happens to her house? all of these questions..MUST be answered...I'm only 45 and have my will set out...I don't plan on dying tomorrow either.

Hi A.!

I have not had a chance to read the other responses, but I had two resource suggestions that may help you come to a mutual agreement in dividing your mom's inheritance. The first is a book by Henry Cloud called Boundaries. The premise is to help you establish some guidelines of when to say yes and when to say no. The second book is called The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. The book premise is resolving conflict biblically. I do not know what your religious beliefs are, but I can tell you that this has been the most transformative book for me on how to engage in conflict. I would even encourage you to consider searching their website for a local reconciler who can help counsel you and your brother through this conflict and help you reach a mutual decision. Their website is: http://www.peacemaker.net

I pray ya'll are able to find a solution that works for both of you. That is a difficult situation for you to face.

God's Grace to you,

Lisa :)

My mother lived with us for 5 years before she passed. Everything was split even between my siblings and I. I never once felt I deserved more because I did most of the caring. I was happy to be there for her. When she talked about living with my sister and loaning her money to build onto her house it was decided that my sister would then divided the amount my mother loaned her to add on to her house at anytime in the future if she were to sell. The addition would have increased the value of her house. During the time my mother lived with us she was able to afford all her own bills the only thing we paid for was her cat. Now when she passed the cat did automatically become mine! Right now my husband and I are the only ones caring for his father. My SIL lives out of state and never comes in to help out. My FIL made it clear that even though we do everything for him that he would like everything split down the middle. It is the way his will is written. My FIL is one of the nicest people in the world and I would do anything for him. I consider it an honor to be able to care for him and to have been able to care for my mother. My own father is battling lung cancer right now and lives in Arkansas. I wish I was closer to him so I could do more. Enjoy the time with your mother. Don't let your brother ruin it for you. This time together is more important then any inheritance. My mother also struggled with diabetes and congestive heart failure so I know what a trying time this is for you. Best of luck to you and your family.

I think some people were really hard on you! I'm sure you're incurring a lot of out of pocket expenses to care for your mom as well as it sounds like arranging your job to be able to care for her and therefore possibly giving up income. Of course you should be enjoying your days with her etc but I still think your brother is incredibly selfish. I guess what's not clear is how much of an estate your mom has. It sounds like more than $50k since she has a house... So then your brother would be getting MORE than you? Also, if she has all these assets, why did she take out a loan for the $50k? She's paying interest while at her age, counting on appreciation in the stock market to outpace what the interest is costing is risky. Take a look at the stock market return year-to-date... But in any event, my sister is closer by to my parents so if she ends up doing a lot for them while I do nothing bc of distance, I'd be more than happy to see her get more inheritance. Fair's fair. Best advice I can give is to see if there are atty's that will come to the house so your mom HAS to talk to him. If not, get her to an office somehow. Let her see what's going to happen and then accept whatever she decides. I'd be tempted to start hitting up your brother for some of your out of pocket expenses though. If the $50k she "invested" in your house is just a loan that will be repaid out of her estate, you're paying at least half of that and your brother the other half so it's really $25k you benefitted from. Compare that to what he would get.

It looks like it is his time to take care of his mom!!! After all I am sure he is a devoted loving son(sarcasim) I bet he would love to spend his weekends doing what you do......The time has come -- he gets to take care of her now.
Better yet, see what it costs for a round the clock full time care taker and present the bill to him.
Your brother and your mom have given you a gift-- to see the value of you. You obviously know what your brother think it is and you kinda of know what your mom thinks are she would be making it fair.
You are probably worn out from the care taking position you have taken on for the last few years. If he didn't take on some of the responsibility, I would hire someone to come in and use my mom's money...
Time to make it fair!TIme for you to think like a person who has been taken advantage of.... And family are the worst to take advantage....
WHo do you trust to help you explain your position to him--- a minister, a lawyer, another relative. Or stand up and present him with HIS part of the responsibility. He gets the next few years...
Also, what would it have cost to have your mom in an assisted living center because that is what you provided in the beginning... That should be enough for him to let go of the 50,000.
NO WAY Should he continue to take advantage of YOU!!!
Not nice and certainly NOT FAIR!~!!!
I am betting if he becomes the nurse, the caretaker, the bath giver, he will be singing a different tune in 48 hours... Isn't it time you took a business trip to regroup? Isn't it time you hired someone to help you??? ANd perhaps your brother could be in on the interviews and negoiations for the money it would cost. I would be turning it all over NOW. And I would be the happy person who comes to visit and goes home to a quiet home to do what I want....
I think you being the number one care taker should stop NOW .

After all it appears, he thinks his worth is way more than yours. His life more important.. I think now.
What do you think? Don't let this continue.. Make it fair or let your mom go to another place where you can regroup and he can see the cost of what your life has been like for the past 7 years. And shame on your Mom for not recognizing this... IT seems your brother and your mom have taken advantage of you.
Today, is the first day for you to getsmart, for you to tell the rest of the family what your value is, it is time for you to worry about YOU! It appears your mom and brother think you are the hired help not the loving daughter and sister... It starts with you!

My dad had a will, but we still had to have a lot of really hard conversations with him about his care before he passed. I would sit your mom down and tell her your concerns about not having a will. Ask her if it would be OK if you had a lawyer come to the house and talk to her maybe not draw up a will yet, but just talk about the difficulties that she will leave you and your brother if she doesn't draw up a will. I am sure there is some lawyers office that would do that. I know these are really hard conversations for both parties... I know my dad hated when we started talking about it, but they are conversations that have to be had (there were a total of 8 kids in our family and there were going to be some hurt feelings, due to the way the will was written). There are some people that have told you differently and that she could give it to charity.. they haven't been in this situation or they wouldn't say stuff like that. It's hard taking care of your parents, when the parent becomes the child, when they can't take care of themselves anymore and as we watch them day in and day out struggle, we just want whats best for them, but we know that they are leaving us, and we don't want there to be hurt feelings about anything when they are gone. We need their help in knowing what they want to do about their material things... we don't care what they do with it, but we want to know what their wishes are. Good luck and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.. we lost my dad a year ago, and the year before that was one of the hardest of my life. I traveled 600 miles every month for 5 days to help in his care, I wouldn't have had it any other way, but tucking him into bed every night and telling him that I loved him... feeling like it was just a short time ago that he was doing that for me was some of the hardest times of my life... so just know there are people out here that support you... please personal message me.. if you need any kind of support.

Tell your mom the government will get a huge hunk of her assets if she doesn't have a will. Sad that old people wait until it's too late to do something like that. My aunt died on her 86th birthday and the papers were on the lawyer's desk ready to be signed putting the family assets into a trust. Well, they had to pay in over $300,000 in inheritance taxes as a result of not doing that before she died.

WHY would she refuse to do a will? WHY do parents want to put their children through that?

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. My grandmother died with a will but my grandfather never probated the will. Therefore when he died 11 years later, my mother was not just dealing with his death and will, but was now dealing with my grandmothers. My Uncle died before my grandmother, so in the state of Texas her estate would be divided 50% to my grandmother and 50% divided evenly among her 2 children. Since my Uncle was gone, his 25% was divided evenly among his 2 children. The problem now is that my grandfathers will says that my mom got everything. My cousins were angry and sued my mom. She ended up having to give my cousins around $100,000 because they were saying that some of my grandfathers assests were purchased with my grandmothers money that belonged to them. It was a very sticky situation that took over a year to settle.

I pray that you are able to find an attorney that will come to your home and explain to your mother what might happen.

Also, keep in the back of your mind what my mother is always telling me and my 2 brothers. "If you three are going to fight over anything, then I hope it all burns in a fire and you all three get NOTHING!" Sometimes I really have to remind myself how much I LOVE Her! Secondly, will it be worth it if you also lose your brother in the process.

Yes, your brother is a taker but you are enabling him by answering his business phone but not asking for his help in the care of your mom, and that has to stop so you don't end up in an early grave. I am in the same situation, work from home, take care of mom, kids, etc and once my mom moved in with us, my brother tried to take the money from the sale of the house, cussed at her constantly, so we ended all ties which hurt like the dickens as we had been very close.

Anything left from my mom's estate after the medical bills goes to the grandkids. She has helped me and we have helped her and she gets to grow older surrounded by grandchildren, loved, instead of in a nursing home like my brother wanted.

Your brother has no rights to anything only your mom can make the decision and he is not entitled. Make sure you get her will done and living will and health care directive for your mom's wishes will be heard.

I hope you can convince your mother to draw up a will. I am the oldest of 3, a younger sister and younger brother. We are in our mid 30's to mid 40's. In our lives we have fought, been there for each other in rough times, had tons of fun together, made each other so mad we could scream, protected each other, gotten in actual fist fights, and loved each other more than siblings possibly could. We have such wonderful memories together - I would absolutely be devastated if something like a will ruined our relationships.
We are all different. I have had to borrow a great deal of money over the last 5 years or so due to serious medical problems that my child has, causing me to not be able to work. This isn't ending any time soon.
My brother has had to ask them for help several times with serious legal troubles.
Then there is my sister, who if we were grading on who hasn't sucked the most money from the family money, she would win by a mile. However, she does live on the other side of the world, so my parents spend the money on an extremely expensive trip twice a year to see her and her kids.
So we all spend our parents money, only difference is one is not judged for it.
I know my parents have a will. I also know that I used to be executer of the will. Then a few years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and they have come to the conclusion I'm not fit, and now my sister is. This does lead me to believe that favoritism may be possible, but I have faith my parents will do what is right.

They have always said out entire lives that they love us all equally. I would expect them to divide the money equally. We have a habit in our family of letting it be well known which dishes, jewelry, trinkets , etc we especially admire - I know my Mom knows who likes what :)

Bottom line - make the will - make it even - it's not worth a family feud

I didn't read all of the responses; however, if you can't get your mom to do a will as her POA the first thing would be to pay off your 2nd mortgage because it was for your mom, not you. Then everything else should be divided equally. Don't loose family over an inheritance; however, you should not be left with the 50k bill because if your mom was fine, you would not have added the apartment. Brother is not right on this account in my opinion.

I am in a slightly different situation. I have an aunt who has dementia. She has/had no children. No one stepped in to help her (my Dad or my uncle) when they realized what she had. My uncle actually moved her to an apartment by herself. Anyway, once I realized what was happening I stepped in to keep people from taking advantage of her. Took her to get a POA while she was still very much her old self. Finally got all of her business straightened out, bills , insurance, money etc. My cousins, all except one, are in agreement that since I'm the one taking care of her, I should keep her car (which is all she has at this point, other than retirement) to get her to appointments, places, etc. She has some jewlery which I've advised my cousins that I will divide it equally. We do have 1 cousin who wants to put her in a center and would clean out her account while she is alive if given the right information. She would be the only one to give me problems and because of that I have moved/changed everything to my house with only my access.

I'm also open to the idea of pricing an answering service for your brother and telling him to either pay you or call them for his next vc. People will take as much as we allow them too. I had to learn that from my own little brother, who kept digging himself deeper as long as he knew someone would come to the rescue. I let him know that God is his provider and choices come with consequences (good or bad).

I pray for good choices for you and your mother. It is a shame that she would allow so much to go to the state to straighten that out because she did not want to be responsible as a parent and make a will.

Wow. That's hard. You know the best thing would be for her to do a will, but I suspect she doesn't want to make anyone mad. Possibly she realizes you deserve more than the $50K house addition, but maybe she doesn't want to rock the boat. So, with that being said, here is my opinion. The $50K she took out to do the addition would be like if she were paying that $50K to a nursing home or some other home care entity. Therefore, I do not think that is your inheritance. Yes, it may increase the value of your house, but you may have also increase the value to the point that you can't get that out in your neighborhood...since I don't know your neighborhood, I don't know, but either way, it is equilivent to the nursing home (that doesn't even mention that you also took out a loan). Next, my grandparents did this to divide assets and I thought it was brillant. They each went to the home and through the assets and put a value on each item. So, one may have valued the couch at $100, one may have valued it at $50, and one at $150. They took all 3 "values" and averaged them, so the couch is now worth $100.00. Next, each person chose what they wanted, so someone wanted the couch, it was worth $100, someone else chose the chair, it was worth $50, etc. They added up what everyone was taking and did the math to make it even..some may have had to pay for some of their stuff, some may not have. Then, they sold the rest. Seemed pretty fair. Your biggest problem is he doesn't want to split anything. If he doesn't see the value in what you have been doing as far as making the addition for her and caring for her, maybe you should put some numbers to that too "if we put her in a home, it would have cost us $X per year. So, if you want to say the $50K was my inheritance, that's fine, but I now need to receive $X for all the years I've spent caring for her". Good luck! I'd had to see all of this go to the state upon her death just because no one wants to deal with it now!

Money is not important. Your relationship with your Savior first and your family second is all that should be priority.

I would go do a free consult with a lawyer to ask what happens in the case when a person doesn't write up a will. Once you understand what happens - which I think means a LONG probate not fun process, perhaps that lawyer would be willing to talk with your mom to help her understand what she is potentially doing to her children. Let her know it is entirely up to her HOW she wants to divide her estate, but that she MUST put something down on paper or it will get ugly!

Also, if her health is failing, you should also have a hard conversation about her burial preferences and possibly an advanced medical directive.

I see several things to address.
1. You need to get an amount it would pay for a full time in home health care nurse. As well as assisted living in a nursing home amount.
2. You need to get the amount it would pay for both a service that would take messages for his calls when he is on vacation. As well as the amount to hire a person to do the same thing.
3. Pay off that mortgage.
4. Call and see if you can get an attorney or legal assistant to come to your house to see about setting up a will. Have a list ready of all your mom's assets. There is bound to be an attorney in the area that will understand that your mom is homebound due to health issues. It is the same as if she is in a nursing home.
5. Who pays for the dr visits and the medicine? If it is you or your mother...then list all and what the costs are.
6. Have all ready for the laywer/ legal assistant. Make copies as you will need to have a copy ready for your brother on numbers 1, 2 and 5. IF you or your mom does not pay anything on number 5, then he needs to be presented with a bill (*copy of) number 1 and 2. Number one should be told he would be paying half of and number 2, since it is for his job only...what he would be paying,.
The other numbers I addressed are none of your brothers business.
You do need to tell your mom about the taxes that will be taken on all her stuff...since they will be appraised and more than likely at your expense of not at the expense of the items of value, and more than likely will have to sold in order to the said taxes and fees.
And it is time to put your foot down. IF he wants his calls answered, he has to pay, you and your mom are not his employees, you get no benefits *wages, medical insurance...*

Please update us on how things are going.

There a few points here:

1.Having a Will does not mean that everything will happen as it written in the Will. Will can be contested in court. I guess your brother will do it if he is after the money even if your mother left a will. If your mother dies without a will your case will be send to court and no one will be able to touch any assets until the court makes a decision. In your case it come down to 50/50 and plus the court/attorney fees and taxes on inheritance.
2. I do not know what POA do you have.... is it for healthcare only or general POA that let's you deal with all the finances of your mother?
If you do all encompassing POA you can do whatever you can with all the money/property now, before your mom dies. Your brother certainly can sue you later but it will be much harder for him to get the money this way.

You cannot leave your bro out of the inheritance completely... just make sure he gets a fair share.

Having a will does not guarantee a smooth sailing. It just makes the process a bit more streamlined. Without a will and with a contested inheritance be prepared to pay hefty lawyer fees, go to court multiple times and pay taxes on everything (they could be due even before you realize any gains from selling any items).

What your mom needs to do is to gift you many things before she dies. You can bring art items to your home this way you can claim that they were given as gift to you by your mom while she was still alive.

Good luck.

Here's what I tell my Mom:
"You worked hard for it, you earned it - spend it all and have a ball.
And if you are in no shape to party - get the best nursing home/care you can if you have to liquidate and spend your very last dime."
I don't care if I get anything at all, or if she skips me and my sister and gives it all to the grandchildren.
You should probably learn all you can about probate laws in Texas so you know what will happen if your Mom dies without a will.
I have no idea if any consideration will be given to your being her care giver.
You should probably speak to a probate lawyer so you are as prepared as you can be when the time comes.
A will or a trust would be a good thing for your Mom to have in place.
http://willsandprobate.com/FAQ/who-gets-it.htm