Following Directions and Listening Skills

I too have had a similar situation and a suggestion that you may not want to hear but helped me was i brought my son to a specialist. I had him evaluated for add and found out some interesting things, i also found out that he had borderline personality disorder. One important thing that i found out after much research is that add and borderline personality disorder are very similar and are often misdiagnosed and thats why its important to get a specialist invovled i hope this helps take care and good luck...

All I can tell you is he sounds exactly like my daughter used to be. "Keeping the power" made me laugh-I still talk about the way she was from day one as well- so strong willed! She is now 19 and one of the most independent, self-disciplined, responsible individuals I know. She has turned into a perfectly calm, secure young lady and she makes me proud. She holds a long term position as a legal assistant, she exercises regularly at the gym, she eats food that is good for her, she studies hard and gets all A's throughout HS and now college. Hang in there K., some day he'll make you real proud! :)
I did day care too. Charge lots of money: it's a huge responsibility and tons of work. Have a set price, regardless of whether or not they come. Otherwise you may be taken advantage of and you'll become resentful.

Hi K. -

Raising a spirited child is so much fun!! Have you or are you able to offer him choices in some things, i.e. do you want pb and j for lunch or tuna, do you want to invite friend over or go to park. Sometimes that will help them get on the right track, especially if you have the "big boy" talk - getting older, learning to be responsible, making good decisions, etc. What happens if daddy doesn't go to work - he doesn't get paid then there is no money to get a toy or go to the zoo. This is what growing up and older is all about. We also have some friends who have bought and are using the book "Parenting with Love and Logic". Good Luck!

No advice, but I'm following your thread with interest! Every teacher/provider has asked how we get our 6yo to listen, and we tell them we'd be happy to hear what they find works.

Most troublesome is not paying attention to 'No' or 'Stop' the first or second time it's said to him, especially with his 2 year old sister

You might try reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It's my childrearing bible.

I can't say enough about "celebratecalm.com" and Kirk Martin's program. I get weekly emails from his program and it's wonderful.

Sounds soooo familiar! My husband and son have similar temperments.. What seems to have worked with my little boy is getting him involved in activities that are "his own" and activities that his Dad can participate in with him. In the Cub Scouts, he learns to be responsible, the benefit of listening and following directions, and he and Dad build their pinewood derby car together. Now that he can play soccer, another place where he can tangibly see the benefit of listening and following directions, he has even more in common with his soccer-playing dad, who just "can't coach that age group"! (An added benefit of soccer, your older boy will be ready to coach the nine-month old as soon as he starts walking.)

Pick up The Successful Child and The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears.

I am a teacher of 5 and six year olds, one helpful thing to do with directions is take them one step at a time. Such as instead of picking up that red sock,bring it to the hamper , shut the lid, close the door try just picking up that one sock. Yes it is more time consuming but if he does that one sock, thank him, praise is great especially when there is another little one who is more mobile and always being watched, he might be looking for a bit of that. Hopefully that helps.

How about positive reinforcement? We started giving our sons glass rocks when we caught them doing something good a couple of years ago. That includes listening and following instructions the first time we say something. Once they filled up a small jar they could pick something that they wanted to do with a parent or the family. They always want to do something with the whole family. It worked so well with my older son (now 10) we just stopped it with his agreement. My younger son, now 5, still needs this reinforcement but really works like a charm.

I don't have answers but i've got some good book suggestions. Our son is 12 and he's a delight and a challenge. These books have helped me throughout the years.

Raising Your Spirited Child--by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Driven to Distraction--by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey
Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys--by Dan Kindlon & Michael Thompson
The Mother Dance--by Harriet Lerner

This mix of books helped me to better understand my son, and myself too, in the context of my frustrations with him. Some kids feed on power struggles. If you can turn it around to another focus, other than power, you start getting somewhere. At least that was my experience.

Good luck!

Check out the thread here "doing something the first time I ask." You may find relevant suggestions from previous posters.
Good luck,
J.

I'd try writing things down for him. Play a game with it. Give him a "list of rules" to follow. Put good thought into the most important ones and pick only about 4 to start with. Be specific. example... Listening is not specific enough. Brushing your teeth before bed is. He will earn points for each one followed by a check mark each day. Ask him what he would like to use his points toward. An ice cream treat out at the end of the week is nice. Don't expect perfection in all areas. Only look for the things on the list for now. You can change the list every week and take off anything that he has mastered to add something else. When something is mastered and comes off the list for change, he should get an extra dollar or two handed to him. Make sure you complement him for the ones that are checked off each day. Follow through with his treat no matter what else he does wrong, as long as the list is checked off. Don't use this for a punishment against something not on the list. You will teach him a lot. This will help with children with attention problems too.
One more point of advice I will give to you is to make sure you tuck him in "every" night and read with him. He can read a page and you read a page, etc. ***Also ask him how his day went. Communicating with you son on a "daily" basis is one of the most important things you can ever do for him. Make a vow not to stop when he gets to be a teenager either. It becomes even more important then. Keep it to a positive talk with a lot of listening.
Good Luck!
S.....mother of 4 children (12, 15, 18, 20)

Have you read 'Parenting the Strong Willed Child'? It has really helped us work with our daughter who has a similar temperament.

Hi K.! Reading your post was almost like reading about my life! We have a very similar situation. Not that our is perfect but it has improved so I figured I would share that with you. Our son's behavior was being seen in school as well. So he has been meeting with a small group once a week to discuss and do exercises regarding self control and listening/following adult instruction with the school psychologist. I'm constantly in touch with the school psychologist and his teacher to keep the communication going. Again, it isnt perfect or where it needs to be but it has improved so I think the repetition from all the authority figures in his life is helping - giving that consistent message. We also tried 123 Magic - which worked but as life goes on and we were busy etc the process faded away - we still use the main jist of it but would probably be much more effective if it was consistent....One of my biggest hurdles though is as how you describe in your description about your hubby being a 3rd child.....same here! It drives me batty that he throws in conflicting actions/messages - so that is an ongoing battle and unfortunately I have no advice there because I think it truly depends on who the person is. Good luck.

K. - I am in the same boat as you. I have a 4 1/2 yr old and a 7 month baby - both girl and my 4 1/2 will not listen for anything.. we have tried a behavior modification chart where she has to be good all week and if she is - we do something fun with her like bake cookies etc.. let your son know about something fun he will get if he is good for 7 days - make some boxes and each day have him put a star in the box when he has a good day - we did it MON-FRI and my daughter's teher had to say she was a good listener each day...

J.