Is it important to be part of my Fiances kids life? He has 2 kids 15yr old girl & 9yr old autistic boy from ex partner(nerver married)...I've only met the daughter once for 10mins 4 yrs ago when we first moved in together and he surprised her by introducing us at a cafe...I've met the son 2 times when he brought him by the house for a couple of hours... every other sunday, my fiance goes to his ex's place or takes them to grandmas or grandpas place to visit and says his daughter does not want me around her where ever they go. I've tried to make contact with the ex in a nice friendly way to get to know her but he says she's not interested.
Am I wrong to feel strange that i dont really know them or that we all cant be in the same place together with relatives? I keep telling myself its no big deal, then kids visiting dates will change at last min and he just goes along with it, worried he'll upset his daughter or ex...and i feel so left out like i'm in the way..he keeps telling me to be patient...Please give me your advise, not sure how to be happy through all this. Thanks.
Want to thank you all for your wonderful advise. I've told my fiance hes not helping us by doing what ever his ex/daughter want, it just shows them that I mean nothing to him, so why would she(daughter) come around eventually and want to spend time together? He says what do you want me to do? i cant make her do what she doent want to do, i dont want her to hate me he says...hes trying to keep everybody happy and its not working.
To answer some of your questions...He hasnt told the daughter about the wedding date yet(worried he'll hurt her feelings)says he'll ask her to come(i know she wont)...as for holidays, if relatives ask us over and she doesnt want to come, she stays home with mom is what he says will happen... he went to theirs xmas eve, and xmas was for him & I. As for bringing the kids to ours every other sunday, again he says he cant make her come and for the son he stopped bacause hes worried he'll just start screaming(autistic) and he wont know how to handle it, sons always been very pleasent when i've met him. also no he desnt talk about them unless i ask or ex has upset him.
He knows I'm not confortable with our situation and thinks just bacause wedding date is set(sept)announcement has been made, that all will be ok(because i've been patient for years). I could put up with not seeing the kids if i had too BUT i just cant see not going to relatives because the daughters there, doesnt make sence to me. I told him I think he disrespects me now because i've been patient for so long, but he doesnt think so, his kids are his priority right now he says...then i say you're not ready for marraige because theres no respect or communication dealing with the ex/kids. So wish life & love was easy.
This is so bazaar. People who have something to hide...hide things...and then ask for patience. So many things wrong about this.
Does he even talk about his kids?
Needless to say, I wouldn't marry the dude.
This is just strange all around. He is not trying to build a family relationship and barely has a relationship with his kids. If he can't make things healthier and include you, you need to move on because I doubt this kind of thing is confined to the situation with his kids. I wish you luck!
ADD: He isn't helping them by catering to them. They need to be loving enough to want their DAD to be happy.
This may be a situation where you care about him, but marrying him isn't the result. It happens, but it will save you a lot of heartache.
I would be concerned that one, he isn't a big part of his kids lives if you have lived with him for four years and can count on one hand the times you met them.
The other thing is that he seems to keep his kids away from you. One of two things, his kids are awful and he doesn't want you to know that or more likely he is awful and he is afraid his kids will tell you.
FOUR years? Please tell me you meant 4 months.
If it really is 4 years, please RUN. Go with your gut, he's either a good liar about what's really going on, or a bad father for not involving you and his kids; and it doesn't sound like he's a very involved father.
Like Momof4 says, if indeed this is 4 YEARS, then you are not important to this man. He has treated you shamefully from the get-go with his daughter, who should have been learning to get along with you, her father's new partner, while she was young enough to accept you. Now she's a smart aleck teen and has learned from her father that it's okay to treat someone like this. It will never get better and he will never stand up FOR you to anyone.
Walk away from this man and have the courage to seek someone who cares about YOU instead of just himself.
Dawn
I had a friend with a very similar relationship pattern. She was engaged to a man with 2 kids from a previous relationship and saw the kids very rarely. Of course it was his "evil ex" that kept him away from his kids. Fast forward about four years, my friend had a child with the fiance, he completely abandoned them. High and dry, no support, no nothing. Probably should have seen that coming from the amount of time he spent with the two kids he already had. Huge, huge red flags. I know you don't want to hear that, my friend didn't want to hear it when we told her the same thing years ago. BTW,she is now married to a great guy with another baby and her new husband is an excellent father to her older child. There are better men and better fathers out there!!
I don't think you *can* be happy through this.
I wouldn't see a future in this situation. Do you?
There are red flags flying as I read this. You have lived with this man for four years but have only met his kids 3 times total! You are going to marry this man and he should want you and his kids to have a civil relationship. How does he plan to do holidays once you are married? Leave you at home alone while he goes to his ex's to be with his kids? I know that kids and parents new loves don't always get along, but this guy is not even trying to make it happen. I agree with Jo W., he is trying to hide something. I'm sorry, but this just is not normal or healthy for any relationships!
If he never married the mother of his two children, what makes you think he's going to marry you? And if he does, what makes you think he'll be a good father to your future children? Red flags - I agree with everyone else here - red flags all over - RUN and find someone who wants to make a life with you. Alternately, do some soul searching (or have some therapy) and find out why you are willing to accept this kind of treatment from a man. Best of luck to you.
4 years and he's still hiding you in a closet - oh - I mean, at home?
He's clearly not that into you...I think I quote a book.
The old adage of why buy the cow when the milk is free comes to mind with your situation.
you are not wrong to feel strange-you are wrong to stay in this, difficult at best, relationship. It is a big deal-it will never change-you could more easily move a mountain one teaspoon at a time. Get out, cut your losses, move on. Families broken by divorce, devise, for the sake of the children, workable, viable relationships and dynamics that accommodate the rearing of the children-which oftentimes requires that everyone is together and getting along and actually making it work and liking it!!! You should be happy the day after you end this nightmare and move on with your life-hopefully with someone who thinks the pesky, little detail of marriage before family is important-and that you are important-and God forbid, your feelings and happiness are important, as well.
I get it. There seems to be a shortage of men. I am in a totally different dating league, but I hear that story from all of my straight girlfriends.
You will not win in this one. If its bothering you enough to write to us now--marry him and you will be writing to us monthly with some saga involving his ex, kids, and how you are not included in most anything in his life.
Get on a dating website after you drop this guy.
Things will only get worse the closer you get to the wedding, and even worse after you marry. He's refusing to allow you to get to know his family... no matter what he says this is his choice. His excuses are very poor. I could go off on all of the red flags I see in what you've written, but I don't think he's being honest with you. I don't think he's being a good fiance and that strangeness you feel is your instinct telling you to give back the ring and run far away from this guy.
If the two of you are going to be married, then you and the kids need opportunities to build a relationship, or to decide whether or not you want one.
It could be he is just being very considerate of his daughter's feelings. What does he say when you ask him WHY?
It's very hard on kids when they get to know Mom or Dad's significant other and start to feel they're part of the family only to lose them later. He was right to not rush into making you part of his children's lives.
I would think NOW if he was serious about marrying you, that would influence him to have you all spend time together. Again, you need to talk to him about this.
You're right, he's not ready to get married. These are huge red flags and please don't think that just because you walk down that aisle, things are going to change.
Cancel or postpone the wedding until you resolve this issue. Marriage is about family and you are not being treated as if you are his family. I do agree that the kids come first so if he's adamant about you not having a relationship with his kids, then you need to break off the engagement. He's simply not ready.
I think the daughter needs to get over it. The kids need to accept that you are going to be their father's wife. I think it's terrible that the kids don't visit their father's home. You shouldn't be kept away from family events in his family, and neither should the children. If the daughter refuses to go to a family event because she'd like to fantasize that her parents are getting back together, then let her stay home. You shouldn't be the outsider here when you are going to marry this man, and he should realize that you cannot compartmentalize his life. Are his kids going to refuse to come to your wedding?
I may be late in answering, but this doesn't sound like a promising situation, if you ask me.
Him seeing the kids at the ex's or grandparents' homes wouldn't bother me, but the kids NEVER coming to your house or you being included at all after 4 years? I wouldn't marry into that.
I'm divorced, I know it's hard on kids, but there's been plenty of time to adjust to the idea of dad having someone else in his life. It doesn't sound like anyone, including your fiance, is fostering that notion in a healthy way and you are being left out in the cold.
It's hard for me to imagine living the rest of my life like that, married to someone who doesn't stick up for me at all.
Just my opinion.
Best wishes to you.
If the arrangement is not meeting your needs then you will not be happy. The reality is that he has chosen to have 2 distinctly separate parts to his life - one with you and one with his kids.
Unfortunately, you don't have much influence over the the relationship with the kids, nor should you try. This is really up to him and the kids to decide. And so far, they have decided to not have you in the mix.
If you don't want to accept the situation as-is, then I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment in the long run. You have to accept him (and the situation) as is...not as you hope/wish him to be.
Hi, Sema:
You have red flags going up all over the place..
1) He never married the woman who bore him 2 children.
2) You moved in with him without being married.
3) He tells you his daughter does not want you around.
4) He tells you his ex is not interested in getting to know you.
Stop telling yourself: It's no big deal.
It is a big deal, Your intuition, that God gave you to protect yourself, is telling you, you are being disrespected and unloved.
There is no reciprocity in this relationship. If you don't respect yourself anymore than what you are putting up with, I feel sad for you.
Find a local Co-dependents Anonymous support group and start going as fast as you can get there. www.coda.org
The Bible has taught us to be in subjection to men, that is: Only if you are married to him.
Get strength to know who you are and what you want for yourself.
You won't be young and beautiful all your life. When you keep living for everyone else, you will look in the mirror one day and realize, who really cares about me.
Good luck.
D.
